There’s something you should know about me, in case I ever decide to respond to one of the numerous invitations I get to come and hang out at your various houses (I would have already, but I’m still working my way through the stack of free blowjob offers). And what you should know is: I don’t take it well when parties end.
I’m the kind of guy who notices people grabbing their coats and milling around near the entrances and immediately leaps onto a glass coffee table, rips off his pants and starts leading a one-man chorus of “Louie, Louie.” I’m the kind of guy who insists that everyone wander around looking for an open bar, or, better yet, a closed Chuck E. Cheese’s. The point is, I’m lonely.
Which is why I’ve decided to keep the Independence Day fever (not to be confused with the mosquito-borne Independence Day Fever currently laying siege to the Eastern seaboard) going! The hot dogs may be cold, the hangovers mounting, and the bloody fingers strewn across the driveway next to spent firecracker casings, but did you hear?! They found George Washington’s House!
According to David Muaraca, a man whose greatest accomplishment in life is likely to be this minor addition to the understanding of the accomplishments of someone else, this discovery can teach us a lot about America’s first President. For example, pottery shards discovered in the house’s basement have revealed that Washington’s father may have been violently abusive, shattering pots as fast as his mother could make them.
The find has debunked some popular Washington myths—there were no cherry trees on the property, and evidence suggests that the “great blaze of Christmas Eve, 1740” was fairly small and localized. Even more disappointing, there was absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support my own “Washington was actually a young Chinese girl disguising herself so she could fight in the army in her father’s stead” theory.
But on the upside—at least for us America-holics—they uncovered thousands of artifacts from Washington’s early life that may end up giving us a fuller picture of young George than we’ve ever had. A set of tiny, child-sized powdered wigs, for example, intimate that the boy may have had some idea of the greatness he was destined for.
Now I’m no archaeologist—I’m more of a “put bones in the ground” guy—but I think it’d be a swell ID4 party game to try and make some broad conclusions based on the finds already uncovered. Then while those egghead historians are taking years to fully understand the implications of a scrap of rotted parchment, we’ll have a fully formed vision of lil’ George to inspire us towards an even deeper disappointment towards our own kids.
What They Found: That the house was a large one-an-a-half story home, rather than the rustic cottage previously thought.
What It Means: Thousands of poor kids across the nation can finally stop imagining that anyone but their rich, spoiled counterparts have a shot at the history books and get back to making my fries.
What They Found: Pieces of the painted walls and ceiling that had fallen into the basement.
What It Means: Washington was an unruly child, constantly painting on the walls and even the ceiling, prompting his mother to hide the walls and ceiling in the basement when company came over.
What They Found: A chimney flue with the symbol of the Masonic Lodge engraved on it.
What It Means: I’m not allowed to tell you, but I can say this: the crow flies at midnight.
What They Found: A cache of wine bottles, knives, forks, and small figurines.
What It Means: Drunk off the masters’ cabernet, these small soldiers had planned a bloody takeover of the Washington home, the suppression of which was surely a formative early battle for the young General.
What They Found: Scissors and a set of wig curlers.
What It Means: No, Washington wasn’t effeminate. He just happened to be a natural at wig grooming, which was considered a very manful pastime in the 18th century. As was floral cultivation, streamside handjobs, and WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE GEORGE WASHINGTON?!
What They Found: A number of unnamed “luxury items.”
What It Means: I’ll tell you what it means! These filthy archaeologists are making off with the Washington Treasure! They’ve found a veritable cornucopia of luxury and refuse to share it with any of us! I say we march to Fredericksburg and burn that mother down!
What They Found: Clay bowls and arrowheads.
What It Means: Washington was an Iroquois Indian.
There! Now, with our own sterling vision of Washington in our minds—the conspiring, effeminate Native American rascal that he was—we’re ready to truly celebrate our nation’s Independence. To the mulled cider!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael does this.
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- The 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time - December 1st, 2008
- The Best Quotes from the New Britney Spears Documentary - November 27th, 2008
- Extinction Is Only For Ugly Animals - November 26th, 2008
- Every Episode of 'House' Ever - November 22nd, 2008
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
July 11th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
No, but I’ve been getting them for K&N Airfilters which I’ve been wanting to buy and that struck me as kind of creepy.
No as funny as when I use an IP hider which wiil show my Ip as coming from Vietnam or Bejing or Ankara Turkey. Which makes some banner ads funny as hell because they will say “Girls in Ankara want to fuck you right now” or ” Local girls in Ankara are looking for love”
July 11th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Is anyone else getting banner ads for masonic rings now? Should I be worried?
July 11th, 2008 at 2:25 am
Share your life and love with friends online. mixedloving . c o m it is a dating service for whites and blacks to find their interracial love. maybe you will like it
July 9th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Better than a Fnord Pinto.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
When not blogging on cracked, Marc drives a Fnord Fairlane.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Please stop writing fnords as they fnord make me fnord anxious.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
kingmonkey +1 . . . if you were initiated you would know. ^_^ But it involves paddling. Lots of paddling. From George Washington himself.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
My confusion at these comments grows greater and greater. Perhaps one thing will clear it all up for me; Ross, is that San Jose Costa Rica, or San Jose California?
July 9th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Rosebud . . .
July 9th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Res, that wasn’t a dream.
The dolphin swims into San Jose. Don’t skip the butter on the eagle.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Bald Eagles are pretty tasty, too.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Gasp!
The Dolphin Dream! Brothers, can he truly be the one?
July 9th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Tool’s videos manage to highly disturb me, and I cannot imagine watching them whilst high! And I’m very glad that the turkey is not our national bird. It’s too delicious.
Freemason requirements:
1) Knows how to rule world
2) Loves being paddled
3) 11 herbs and spices
4) More than one dong
5) Reads cracked.com or bones someone who does.
Dammit, this discussion is infiltrating my brain. Last night I dreamt about the Freemasons. And pushing a dolphin off a ledge into water.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:33 am
~~~~~~~~`All Masonic Lodge singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for Freemason singles and admirers in the world.
If you are Freemason, you already know site url!!
July 9th, 2008 at 6:00 am
“What is the matter in question is whether the Masons are a shadowy true government that rules the world, or just a fun club that rich and powerful people join so they can paddle each other for fun. Conspiracy nuts say the former, others say the latter.”
I say it’s both… a shadowy true government that rules the world with rich and powerful people that paddle each other for fun.
And these have to be some of the funniest comments I have ever read.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:33 am
do you know __http://seekingbbw.com _______All Plussize/BBW/BHM singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for plus-size singles and admirers in the world.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:15 am
And did you all know Benjamin Franklin suggested the Wild turkey as our official symbol instead of the Bald Eagle? (true) The proof is in the whiskey, pardon the pun.
I’m now high enough to instruct you all to watch the video for Tool’s Parabola. Selah.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Thank god; I was worried about having only three…
And while the Colonel undoubtedly knew his shit and had those 11 secret herbs and spices (Goddamn Freemasons again! The secret to the earth can be found in the pop-up timer to the oven stuffer roaster), the indomitable Frank Perdue gave us perhaps the best quote about that specific fowl: “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.”
Indeed, Frank, indeed.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
HEIL ERIS! Watch out for cabbage people.
Fnord!!
Oh and it’s not how many dicks, it’s how you use them ^_^
July 8th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Good Lord–what would you do with them all?? It’s not physically possible to have thirty woman on one man at once! Or is it?!
Ronald McDonald owns so much of the world that he doesn’t even need secret societies! McDonald’s has penetrated so many areas that most others cannot! Hahahaha . . . penetrated. I love having the maturity level of a high-school-er.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I think Brad Neely pretty much summed up how badass G.W. was. You know, I heard that motherfucker had like thirty goddamned dicks.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
FNORD!!
July 8th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
can YOU see the fnords?
July 8th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
FNORD!
July 8th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
two posts above it should read “an” not “i” !!
why am i always so drunk when comenting here?
apologies all around…
July 8th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
just like ronald mcdonald (33rd degreee freemason and illuminatus primus!!),
sometimes your country just makes me sick!!
July 8th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
plus, the colonel was mason and i lluminate too!!!
July 8th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Dammit. Now I want some KFC, even though I know that it usually makes me sick.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I served under people who had less credentials than that. At least Col. Sanders could do something right.
He was a real hard ass too, in his later years he would drive across the country to various
Kentucky Fried Chickens ( this was before the days of the ultra hip KFC) and if you weren’t cooking the chicken or sides to his satisfaction, he would take the cookware out to the parking lot and bust the shit to pieces and revoke your franchise. ( that’s true )
July 8th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Imagine being in the army and finding out your commanders only credentials are that he makes damn fine chicken.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
The real Samuel Adams was awesome.
But Col. Sanders was real too?! Awesome!
July 8th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Ross, he was actually one of the most important men in the revolution; they plotted at his tavern and he was quite outspoken. Of course, the current brewery was formed in the 70’s and owned by someone completely unrelated who just bought the name for marketing purposes. But they do make good beer.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Sam Adams was a real dude, so was Col. Sanders btw, but he be dead.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Sam Adams was real? I assumed he was merely a wonderful folk figure who appeared out of the blue and handed people beer.
No matter what, that’s how I’ll always see him.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
OMG. What if the Bohemian Club and the Masons . . . WERE ONE?!! OMGWTFBBQpissonmeWHAT?!!1one.
Was Sam Adams a Mason? I’m too damn lazy (and drinking beer–Grain Belt Premium Minnesota Non-Masonic Beer) to find out.
If he was (were?), that could EXPLAIN . . . nothing. Except for the paddling–I’ve found that it’s only fun if you’re drunk enough. (And co-ed paddling is just funny . . . yay for voluntary assault and battery!)
July 8th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
“What is the matter in question is whether the Masons are a shadowy true government that rules the world, or just a fun club that rich and powerful people join so they can paddle each other for fun. Conspiracy nuts say the former, others say the latter.”
The same can be said of the Bohemian Club.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Perhaps it was the science of beer. Most of the founding fathers brewed their own beer, you know, and I bet their written recipes contained hidden Masonic clues. Summon Nicolas Cage!
July 8th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Panzier-Stier Ross Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Telling someone to fuck off isn’t hard. Glaring at someone twice your size until they actually do fuck off is.
Wow–I just had a disturbing mental image misinterpreting that sentence. (Using “fuck off” in a somewhat more literal sense.)
But, hey–no one disagrees that Washington was totally awesome. And that he porked like a sexual freight train. It’s SCIENCE. Or beer. One of the two.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Washington also made love like TERRIBLE SKY DEMON! He had CANON DONG and also had PENIS LIKE FIERCE JUNGL ROCKETSHIP! Or so said Martha in her memoirs ” A Fierce
Jungl Rocketship to Freedom”
July 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Telling someone to fuck off isn’t hard. Glaring at someone twice your size until they actually do fuck off is.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
At least he didn’t fuck with Andrew Jackson, who was probably the only U.S. President in history to beat George Fucking Washington in sheer badassery, ballsy-ness, and just being a prick in general. He told British soldiers to fuck off during the War of 1812, and was fucking attacked by a sword for his efforts. (If I remember correctly.) He told pretty much everyone in the U.S. to fuck off: The National Bank, Chief Justice John Marshall, the American Indians/Native Americans, everyone he dueled, etc. etc.
Although I wonder if George Washington would have been more badass than Jackson if Washington didn’t have his excessive modesty. (He fucking turned down BECOMING THE KING OF AMERICA. MULTIPLE TIMES–including stepping down as President after two terms, when the third was guaranteed!)
Oh. And by the way: WASHINGTON WAS A MASON. (And the Masons are connected, at least in some manner, to Weishaupt–but probably not to the degree imagined by some conspiracy theorists.) This is not a controversial subject. It’s pretty proven. So was FDR. And George Bush Sr. And like half the damn presidents, a shitload of Cabinet members, generals, senators, and the like. Washington started the tradition of taking the Oath of Office on a Bible by grabbing the Bible from the local Masonic Lodge. Again–not controversial. What is the matter in question is whether the Masons are a shadowy true government that rules the world, or just a fun club that rich and powerful people join so they can paddle each other for fun. Conspiracy nuts say the former, others say the latter.
I like paddling myself. HOTT. (Mandatory two T’s.)
July 8th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
@drunko: +5 points for having mastered the fine art of googling, -1000 for calling me stupid!
drunk? mostly!! insane? most definitely!! but stupid? no fucking way, i is brilliant!!
and my point was that there are serious theories about weißhaupt going to the u.s. after the bavarian government had banished him, killing washington and taking on his identity. shea and wilson just incorporated this idea in their book.
on a side note, have you actually read the illuminatus trilogy? do you even know what you are talking about when you say it makes fun of idiots like myself? i as someone who has read it more than 10 times, can assure you that “humourously examining american paranoia about conspiracies” does not even begin to describe what this really unique masterpiece is about.
believe me, i got it, took several readings but i got it, and yes it does make fun of its readers, but not the least bit in the way you described…..google will only get you so far, moron!!!
@ swaim: it’s called “eszet” or “scharfes s” in german, our keyboards have it next to the number 9 (what’s there on yours?), but its okay to substitute it with two regular s, and as for weißhaupts name, all three are acceptable (”s”, “ss” or “ß”).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9F
July 8th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
And you’re saying I slandered Washington? I didn’t put fine flaxen albino pubes on his head.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Large, Albino enemies, specifically bred for their fine flaxen pubes.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:58 am
I’ve seen the powdered wig G.W. is wearing in the pictures (one that doesn’t cover his receding hairline). If that’s public hair, George had some large enemies.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Well since the powdered wigs are OBVIOUSLY made from the plucked pubic hair of their enemies…wouldn’t you wear one too?
July 8th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Real superheroes don’t wear powdered wigs.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Swaim, I am going to have to agree with Glendoor on this one. YOU went to far. Dude it George fucking Washington. He is as close to a real super hero as you get. Put the hormone filled water down, you have had to much. Your becoming all weird and girly.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I think he was saying ‘copy, paste’ as a way of doing that ‘ß’ symbol.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
i love it
http://www.fakebuddy.com
July 7th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Thanks Drunko. God, I never thought I’d say that again. I miss you Dad, wherever you are.
Oh and Surgemix…does “copy, paste” mean I stole this article, or that you liked it? Either way, you’re welcome.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Swaim, evidently, Fnord is as insane and stupid as he is drunk. Adam Weishaupt was some guy who founded something called the Bavarian Illuminati, which was originally called the “Order of Perfectibilists.” I know it sounds retarded, and it probably was, but it’s not important what that was about. The point is the character of Weishaupt, or Weißhaupt if you prefer, was used by author Robert Anton Wilson in a book described by Wikipedia as such: …the cult classic The Illuminatus! Trilogy (1975), co-authored with Robert Shea and advertised as “a fairy tale for paranoids,” humorously examined American paranoia about conspiracies. So Fnord didn’t get the joke that Weißhaupt was used as a tool to make fun of idiots like himself.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
“the crow flies at midnight”
The puppy drowns in butter at noon.
oh and Swaim…copy, paste.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Fnord, I would totally google that guy if I had any idea whatsoever how you made your keyboard type the “B” symbol.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
For that remark Swaim, Washington’s zombie is coming after you. It may take him a while, but he’s coming. I hope you sleep well.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
*…is anyone…*
being drunk is sooo much fun, but typing drunk is a feat i’m not sure
i will ever master…
July 7th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
masonic lodge symbol? really?? that’s not too surprising!!!
us anyone around here familiar with the washington/ weißhaupt theory?
if not, google “adam weißhaupt”, read some r.a.w. (robert anton wilson),
and start reconsidering everything you thought you knew about the u.s.
and its first president….
HAIL ERIS!!
VIVA DISCORDIA!!
July 7th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Glendoor,
“suffered from malaria, smallpox, pleurisy, and dysentery, nearly drown, had two horses shot out from under him, nearly shot himself ,FOUR FUCKING TIMES”
Sounds like a sickly Gomer Pyle if you ask me.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
If you read Dan O’Brien’s article you would know the You can keep the Independence Day party going for the rest of the year, as well the next few.
And judging by the photos and information Hillary Clinton didn’t have the chance to become the first female president
July 7th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
should read nearly got shot himself
July 7th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Alright Swaim, you are about to piss me off. First you piss all over the space program and the dramatic discovery of water on Mars and now you are pissing all over George “GODDAMN”Washington. Who, if were he alive, would kick your ass all over this great country of ours, THAT HE WAS THE FATHER OF, DAMMIT.
This dude was a total badass, He suffered from malaria, smallpox, pleurisy, and dysentery, nearly drown, had two horses shot out from under him, nearly shot himself ,FOUR FUCKING TIMES, and almost single handedly started the French and Indian War, all before he was fucking 30.
YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THE “GEORGE” MAN!!!!!!
July 7th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Mulled Cider! HUZZAH!
Then we all head to the river for a nice wig curling/handjob sleepover party
July 7th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Robot Jesus, seriously? Streamside? That’s why we have canals now, man.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I can see that California life has already gone to your head, Swaim. Specifically, it has gone up your nasal passage like so much cocaine. Your manic antics fill me with delight.
As for your president, I heard that they found the first edition printing of Amazing Fantasy #11, thereby proving Washington was also a nerd.
Also, they’re not figurines; they’re action figures!! (Two exclamation points mandatory.)
July 7th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Wait?
Areyou suggesting that streamside handjobs arent considered manly anymore?!