In case you don’t live in the best part of America: the best part of America is currently aflame. Yet, though tongues of searing death lap feverishly at my windows, I blog on, intrepid as ever. As the only CRACKED blogger with the ability to report from within the firewall, I figured I should shed a little light on the subject. Or as much light as can be shed, considering the impenetrable, unbroken sheet of ash that rains down on our very heads.
First of all, a debt of gratitude is owed to the general SoCal population, who have donated so much food, water, and other goods to the relief effort that not only are the 500k and climbing evacuees well-fed, they are in fact unpleasantly full and lethargic, and wish to be left alone on the couch to watch Nascar while they digest.
Are you paying attention Africa? Catch on fire and the food will start pouring in. It just goes to show you that people are basically altruistic after all, and anyone who says otherwise is a fuckface who deserves to die in a fire.
And I hate to be the guy who brings Global Climate Change into every discussion, but they did warn us. Those of you reading from the Mississippi delta (AKA “The third best part of America”) should watch out as well. Please note that the above sources aren’t totally credible, as they are the first things that came up on Google. I hope you’ll forgive me if my research is lacking this week: I’M ON FIRE.
Okay, maybe not directly, but my life has without question been impacted by the disaster. For one, my fiancee’s parents stayed here overnight, forcing me to sleep on the floor in the living room. Secondly, the play I’m producing had to take a one-day break from rehearsing because our space got shut down. I’m telling you, it’s like Hell. Thankfully, the parents have relocated to a friend’s empty condo, so we’ve got our bed back. Your prayers, it seems, were fruitful.
In the meantime, I feel it’s my civic duty to draw this readership’s attention to a startling and disturbing fact. If you look below (click this link for a better view), you’ll notice something utterly shocking: the fire WON’T GO INTO MEXICO.
If you know anyone with FEMA or you are President of the United States (I know you read my blog Mr. Bush; I got your last cookie bouqet), I urge you to strike a deal with our neighbors to the South, either to allow our evacuees to head to Tecate or to give us the secret of their awesome firefighting prowess. My only guess is that it’s got something to do with their fine, zesty beer. Also possibly a water sombrero of some sort.
Soldier on, Southern California. My thoughts and dry goods are with you.
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
April 5th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Preteen Preteen Lolitas Innocent Preteens…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
November 12th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
As one of the few people in southern california not inconvenienced by the wildfires (lower part of riverside county) ive got say WHY WAS MY HOME NOT ON FIRE? WHY DID I STILL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL? WHY DID I STILL HAVE TO GO TO WORK? WHERE IS MY FREE FOOD? i know this may seem callous but i feel like the only guy who didnt get invited to the party? DAMN YOU GOD FOR PROTECTING MY HOME AND FAMILY!!!!!!
October 25th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
hey I never said I was happy these people are burning….just that it’s not at all surprising, L.a. will burn quake and have social chaos because of it’s geography and history. new orleons will flood, my home state of florida will have hurricanes, cocaine and will one day sink into the ocean because of it’s geography….And montana here will have paranoid gun nuts,out of control wild fires and blizzzards because it’s geography and culture.
nothing hateful there. I do admit to feeling disgust for l.a., florida, the northeast urban corridor, the deep south, chicago, california south of san fran starting in sacromento, the state of nevada, phonex, wyoming,kansas,dallas , houston, greeley, pueblo, colorado springs. but that doesint mean I necessarly want to see anyone get hurt.
As for spelling…thanks, I figure the less I use spellcheck the better
may all the houses burn but yours and the in-laws mr. swaim
October 25th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
S.U.C.C.E.S.S., that’s the way we spell SUCCESS!
October 25th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
I don’t like you or your opinions, and etc.
October 25th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
I gauge the success of my posts by the number of comments, regardless of their nature. In this case, success=12. Yay success!
October 25th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Umm… I’m gonna go read some other threads now. Hopefully one with lots of boner jokes.
October 25th, 2007 at 10:40 am
James’s comment finally explains the humorless hate-filled commentary that follows some of these comedy articles. What are you doing even reading anything? Are you glad when women get raped, too? Do they deserve it because they’ve turned you down? Did you gloat when there were bodies floating down the street in New Orleans, because they got to party more than you? Do you want us to nuke Iran, because the people are different than you are? You are a scary, sad, pathetic person. Grow up and get a life. Did you know that San Diego is full of rural, down-to-earth people who raise animals and are good neighbors? That they love their kids? Do you know how hot and destructive fire is? It does not choose rich, haughty people, it is indiscriminate and burns everything in its path. What is your problem, to leave such a ridiculous comment where others can read it. You have no morality, no spirituality, no humanity, no humor, no goodness, and there was not even a point to putting such hatred and bad taste out into the world. Lack of these qualities will make you an even more unloved, hate-filled person. San Diego is not Hollywood, by the way. Get a map. James, why are you reading Cracked? It’s a comedy site. Oh, I know, because your lowly, hateful, disgusting comment about being glad people are overrun by fire would not be published anywhere else except these internet sites, where freedom of speech truly reigns and you are invisible. You shall remain invisible. You can sit at home in your dark room at your computer and spew hatred out. Enjoy your life. Get a sense of humor. And while you are at it, get some humanity. And Linus, quit sucking your thumb and go back to school. I count 10 words spelled wrong in your illiterate comment.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:39 am
Geez just show how unschooled you are there in the US. I can at least name one of your states…..errrrrr. Ok I can’t. Screw you!
October 25th, 2007 at 1:24 am
Guateng? Never heard of it. Request summarily denied. Welcome to AMERICA, fucker.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:17 am
Hi I’m from South Africa. I just set fire to the entire Province of Gauteng. The food better be fucking flooding in or we gonna declare war against you pansies from the USA! You hear me WAR!
October 25th, 2007 at 1:12 am
kudos james…socal is a misshapen accedent…ecologicly and culturaly on the verge of collapse…No wonder you people are so paranoid. Right now I’m liveing amonst antigoverment, computer chip in the ass, gun nut survivaliasts….but at least there paranoid about abstract concepts like the i.r.s…you people I scared of your neabors…the sooner socal-vegas-phonex-florida cease to exist the better
October 24th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
You know, Ross, if Southern California gets so engulfed in flames that it completely disappears and then the world suddenly likes America precisely 97.3% more, (did you know that the emotions of the collective world were measurable? They are.), you, sir, will look pretty foolish.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Shit, wait - did my sarcasm come through in that comment? I don’t think it did.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
A well-researched, well-thought-out and well-spoken comment, James. If this were Digg you’d totally have a shitload of thumbs-ups next to your name right now.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
I hate to say it, but if I’m saying it anywhere, it should be this despicable site: You guys deserve it. Southern California is 97.3% of the reason the rest of the world hates America. They don’t hate us for gritty crime shows that take place in NYC, they hate us for The Hills, and the OC, and Laguna Beach, and Baywatch, and basically every Hollywood star who has stolen a baby from at least one country in the rest of the world. I hope you all burn in hell, right after you burn in SoCal, even though its hard to tell the difference.
October 24th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
I have poured Tecate all around the perimeter of my house and my body, so I should be safe. Also I live in Oakland.
October 24th, 2007 at 11:31 am
In an effort to raise money for the Michael Swaim Foundation, I’m going to eat a sandwich and take a nap.
I haven’t exactly worked out the details of how I’m going to get money out of this, but it is my personal guarantee that every dime I get as a result of my hard work and dedication will go directly to you, sir.