This question has a ring of cheese-like toothpaste stuffed into its crust! Can you finish it? 1. Surviving a _________ is impossible if you're a chair or a fish tank. A. fat person B. SCUBA suit filled with termites C. bar fight D. shark with chair cancer If you answered any or all of them, you're right and AWESOME. However, we're going to focus on the one we can solve: C, bar fights. Sorry fat people, the pizza wizard is your enemy. He will not solve you. Bar fights are started when beer is applied to douches or sexual frustration. They are ended with karate. You're about to learn everything in between. I've scoured book stores for the finest literature and DVD sets to unlock the secrets of the drunken Orient, and now every time I have a beer 17 people die. Bar Fight Self Defense by Scott Rogers Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of a New York accent to always sound like he's kidding. His video set explains how to defend against every bar weapon, including pool cues, karate chops, knives and guns. Let's go through the Scott Rogers process: 1. Bar Training in the Gym. Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it's polite to gently go "arrgh" as if it hurt you.* Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: I've seen seven-year-olds win fights. * Fighting Fact! In the combat community, to not react to an imaginary punch at all is seen as a sign of aggression. For example, if you ever throw a fake punch at Hulk Hogan and it appears to have no effect, he's about to fucking destroy you. During the gym parts of the DVD, I started to wonder if I was supposed to be drunk when I'm at the dojo training for bar fights. But that seemed like the kind of thing someone would wonder right before Scott Rogers called them a fag and rammed a pint glass into their heart, so I had a beer and started thinking about what tits would look like if they didn't have shirts on. All bullshit aside, Mike is lucky to be alive. If you were struck by a real Scott Rogers punch or kick you would fly through a you-shaped hole in the cement wall behind you, leaving behind only a platter of meat that restores Scott Rogers's energy. 2. Drunken Improv Karate Theater or DIKT. After pantomiming how to murder Mike for 15 minutes, the next step is going to a bar set and putting on little plays to show how the moves work. After seeing several of the scenarios he comes up with, I get the idea that everyone who has ever met Scott Rogers has attacked him. His bar fight scenarios seem to come out of nowhere. It's never anything like "You spilled my drink!" or "You were a guy in a dress this whole time!?" Instead they all seem to start with, "Hi, I'm Scott Rogers. In this scenario, you walk into a bar and you look like me. Every person who sees your face feels a desperate need deep inside them to approach it and kill it with anything they're holding. Here's how to fend them off with a torch on the end of a grappling hook. Mike will play the part of Yoda, and everything that isn't the couch is lava." 3. Reviewing or R. In this part of the video, Scott goes through all the moves from his bar fight theater in detail. He might explain how when Mike came at him with a knife, he countered by jamming a pool cue into his neck, then grabbing it in the center so he could use both ends of the pool cue to batter him. Oh, he should have mentioned this earlier, but steps one through seven of winning a bar fight are being Darth Maul. Caution: Scott's 2298-0 record in no-contact bouts against Mike has made him more jungle cat than man. For you, it takes a bit of time for your eyeballs to tell your brain about the incoming knife, cross reference its knife files with its karate files and then tell your hands to start twirling a pool cue. For Scott Rogers, he has time to change out of his good shoes, kick a pen up your dick hole and repair a falling VCR. For the rest of us, the idea of stopping a knife swing by hitting a moving Adam's apple with the end of a pool cue after even one beer is so ludicrous that Scott might as well ask us to throw a fireball at our attacker. And do you know what happens when a normal person grabs the middle of a pool cue and smacks someone with the tip of it? Fucking nothing! It does so little damage that they actually get healthier. That's how you train cats to not shit in house plants, or how you get an elderly person's attention when their hearing aid is off. I'm glad you can kill a guy like that, but we were raised in Earth gravity, dick. S.P.E.A.R. System for Women and Self Defense Coaches - Rape Safe by Tony Blauer Tony Blauer sells special armor to wear when you pretend to rape people, and Tony Blauer has lost his goddamn mind. I don't know if he grew up on the streets outside a rape factory or if scientists replaced his brain with a stack of rejected Dirty Harry sequels, but he is living on Planet Tony Blauer, the stabbing capital of the universe where nothing goes unraped. He invented the system of Chu Fen Do which is Chinese for "I read Bruce Lee's book and I vote against rape whenever given the option." The tape begins with Tony recording the intro on his balcony, and it falls apart in less than 10 seconds. Tony talks about how he doesn't teach martial arts "moves." He teaches a mindset... a "concept" that will keep you safe. Then he gets interrupted by a low-flying aircraft. Where a normal person would stop filming, he instead goes insane. He just starts incorporating it into his speech. He says, and I fucking quote, "This is classified information. That's why we've got helicopters flying overhead." What the fucking what!? Is he out of his fucking mind, or does he think we are? He's recording a description of a concept on a VHS camcorder for retail market, and he's protecting it with helicopters!!! Why?No wait, How? Are they going to drop napalm on his camera man? Scream ineffective martial arts tips and hope the enemy spies get mixed up? Plus, who decided that all this information on how to prevent rape should be classified? Shouldn't you be extremely suspicious of why anyone would suggest that? And then it gets crazier! He warns the viewer that people are using listening devices to get this information right at this very moment, but he has a SWAT team there to take care of it. I'm serious! This is not hyperbole for a comedy article! To be honest, I couldn't understand some of the SWAT team part because nearby traffic choppers beat nearby camcorder microphones every time. But he definitely said something that implied there was a SWAT team close by to protect the intellectual copyrights of his karate tape. I think Tony sent the National Guard into his apartment complex that night to rape everyone within earshot of his balcony, and anybody who knew how to prevent it got arrested for stealing classified information. And you know what happens to people like that in prison! Well, not them, I guess. The whole tape is like that. Tony never teaches anything for more than 10 seconds before getting sidetracked by his own gritty and vivid imagination. At one point he loses track of where he is because he starts ranting about all those damn guys who sign up for rape prevention classes just to prove how they don't work. What? Has that ever happened? And if it has, wouldn't that have been the most famous headline in history? Tony Blauer and 14 Women Raped by Overzealous Martial Arts Demonstrator at Rape Prevention Class. The Approach by Eddie Quinn The Approach has its own theme song, which is mostly about two things: 1) how much of a pussy you are and 2) what The Approach does to pussies. The Approach recorded it by wiring an electric guitar to a heavy smoker's dong and then torturing them both. As we've seen, all martial artists fend off imagined attacks differently. Scott Rogers stops an attacker by striking four separate nerve clusters simultaneously. Tony Blauer would take what he knows about Eastern martial arts, remember a story about a kung fu fighter who was raped and tell it to his attacker before hearing a car and announcing that it must be the secret, mobile headquarters of his enemy, Professor Crime. And now we have Eddie Quinn and The APPROOOOOOOOACH!!! Listen to the theme song and watch the intro. It's the APPROOOOOOOOACH!!! The Approach seems strangely practical for a self defense technique. It seems to know that my attacker won't always move in slow motion after a cute skit. It also seems to know that when a punch is coming in, I won't have time to block with both hands while applying joint locks with my feet. The Appro(ooooooo)ach sort of looks like an ape learning to swim, using your head instead of water. I haven't seen such savage combat since a girl scout gave Chris Brown the wrong change. The Appro(ooo)ach seems to go by the basic rule of street fighting: If you're Chuck Lidell, carefully punch your opponent's jaw when they leave an opening. If for some reason you're not Chuck Lidell, tornado spaz with your arms before your opponent thinks of it. If an untrained caveman and a karate man meet during their travels through time, the caveman wins. Because he uses The Appro(oo)ach. I hate The Appro(o)ach. The appeal of non-competitive martial arts is that they exist in a world where ninjas might rappel out of a Blackhawk to interrupt you while you're training with nunchucks. Where every street corner has two muggers that drop their knives when you gently snap your foot into their tummy. The Approach has none of this. It's practically an instruction manual on how to effectively win a real confrontation! Without ass kick fantasies, most martial arts are just a shitty workout. An ass kick fantasy is when you imagine an unlikely situation, then solve it like Marvel comics would. For example, if you're on the way to the movies and you start picturing a guy talking behind you, and then you picture how you would climb over the seat to drive your thumbs into his eyes and knee his nose cartilage into his brain as your rippling muscles... they... NO! Your muscles! They're reknitting themselves into the form of a wolf!!! Not here! Not noooooooow!!! That's an ass kick fantasy. In the black community, you might have heard this phenomenon referred to as "wish-a-nigga-would." In the Burmese community, I think they call it "brunch." But whatever you want to call it, it's the inspiration behind every martial art. Martial Arts for People with Disabilities Like I mentioned, most bar fighting videos are so concerned with jump kicks and laser beams that they ignore the obvious: For very location-related reasons, I'm all fucked up. I'm watching something with 5 o'clock shadow shit in a beer pitcher while I make sure I have enough condoms for what comes next. I'm in no condition to be fighting anything, much less an attacker! Well, the closest I could come for this eventuality was Martial Arts for People with Disabilities. It sucked. It was mostly diagrams of Katas, which are slow motion fights that martial artists have against invisible enemies. They're not very effective against real enemies, but that doesn't matter. Because when you attack someone in a wheelchair, God makes a special appearance to spell "Are you fucking kidding me!?" in your corpse with lightning bolts. Bas Rutten's Lethal Street Fighting Self Defense System by Bas Rutten Here's what I learned from Bas Rutten's video: If you ever have a disagreement with Bas Rutten, he will perform a one man show on your groin. Please enjoy these highlights: Bas takes true pleasure in ramming human heads into things, and his self defense system seems to center around entertaining his friends as he hospitalizes a foe. In at least half the bar fight scenarios, he's the one who initiates the violence. A typical Bas Rutten scenario is this: I'm not positive, but I think Bas Rutten has made the first self defense instructional video for the bad guy. Which is troubling news because it's much, much better than the ones for the good guy. So I guess the only thing I've learned is that when a bar fight ever breaks out, you're going to die. And if Bas Rutten ever breaks out, we're all going to die.