How to survive a financial meltdown
If you've accidentally looked at a newspaper in the last couple days, you may have noticed confusing headlines screaming about market turmoil and woe. Large fonts scream at you about banks going out of business and the accompanying pictures of downward trending graphs and mopey men wearing ties look worrying to you. But you're far too simple-minded to make heads or tails of what's going on. The articles are all gibberish to you - "counterparty risk" sounds like something you have to be mindful of before engaging in certain sadomasochistic sex acts. Evidently "safe words" aren't a viable solution in the financial world.
So who do you turn to for help in this confusing time? Fucking Cracked.com that's who. We've got your back Chester. Below we present a completely artificial Q&A session to help you wrap your head around something that is so much bigger and more important than you, that it's actually kind of sad.
What do you mean by "financial meltdown?"
A financial meltdown is when banks - whose entire business is repeatedly phoning other banks and then declaring they've made or lost money based on those phone calls - suddenly realize that all the money they made is partially fictional. At the same time, they find out that all the money they borrowed from other banks is worryingly real - at least according to those other banks, who are saying as much over the phone in shrill tones. If that sounds confusing to you, don't worry. It's confusing to those inside the business as well, and completely impenetrable to outside observers. Sort of like a crowded sauna with poor lighting.
The end result of all this is that banks can eventually start to fail, and in the process drag other banks down with them. This continues until you get to a situation that looks a little bit like this.
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So is this a recession?
This is a bit different than a recession, although we'll likely have one of those as well. A recession simply means that the economy stops growing for a little while. Countries typically shake those off within 6-12 months or so. What effect some of the largest banks in the world collapsing upon one another will have is as yet unknown, but public policy experts can't rule out the possibility that we'll soon all be clad in leather clothes, wandering a sun-parched wasteland searching for petrol. The experts also state that they can't discount the possibility that the survivors will envy the dead.
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How will this affect my retirement savings?
If you're an average Cracked reader (statistics say you are) then your "retirement savings" are an Xbox 360 and 6 games. Those should hold their value fairly well until the electrical utilities crumble in late September.
But what if you're a "high-net-worth Cracked reader" (perhaps an Assistant Manager at Sunglass Hut), and have a few thousand dollars saved in a checking/savings account. Although this amount is insured by the FDIC in the event your bank fails, there is a non-trivial chance that the FDIC is inadequately funded to insure all deposits at failed banks in the event of a financial meltdown related zombie outbreak.
With that in mind, the wisest course might appear to be to withdraw all your money immediately and stuff it into whatever it is you sleep on. However by mid October, financial experts agree cash will be essentially worthless, after the United States Government collapses following the seizure of the capitol by a faction of lost and confused New Jersey separatists. For that reason, I suggest you immediately convert your savings to hard goods. You should purchase goods that will have a high intrinsic value in the World-To-Come. Obvious suggestions include petrol, shotgun shells and hockey pads, but really anything that can be improvised into a weapon will be extremely valuable for bartering purposes. Buying a case of double ended dildos now could be the smartest investment you ever make.
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Is the price of gas going to keep going up? Should I consider getting a more fuel efficient car?
Neoclassical economic theories as espoused by the Chicago school of economics generally suggest that the best car to have during times of financial turmoil is a Ford Falcon XB GT coupe with a V8 engine. Depending on prevailing rates of inflation the installation of three large spikes on the front bumper may also be warranted. However the diminishing capacity of existing oil fields and the recent history of commodities markets has given rise to a group of so called "peak-oil" theorists, who suggest that the ideal vehicle to have in a CHUD-infested recessionary cycle is something with a converted bio-diesel engine and a mean-spirited dog in the passenger seat.
If you're like me and don't have the means to change your method of transportation so dramatically, you'll have to improvise. As an example, I'm going to be duct-taping some num-chuks to the side view mirrors of my Protege.
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Is it time to murder my neighbor and steal his canned goods?
That's probably a little premature, unless he's wondering the same thing, and is planning on murdering you. In that case you're probably justified in murdering him a little bit, or at least sleeping in the nook behind your bedroom door with a loaded crossbow cradled in your lap.
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I think you're getting a little carried away. Surely with the support of family, friends and our local community, we'll be able to weather any financial downturn, no matter how dramatic?
I agree 100%. If we all remain calm, work together and help each other out, this coming turmoil will be manageable. In fact upon further reflection, I recommend you do all of that. But while you're doing all of that I'd also recommend that if you ever see a 2002 Protege on the horizon with a cattle-catcher on the front and Jackyl blaring through the shattered windscreen, that you get the fuck out of my way.
fallout 3... mad max... i don't know who the hell you are, but god damn if i wasn't horribly turned on right now.
ReplyHeWhoWas,
ReplyCame across this fun fact, "The Australian of the Year 2007, environmentalist Tim Flannery, predicted that unless it made drastic changes, Perth in Western Australia could become the world’s first ghost metropolis, an abandoned city with no more water to sustain its population." Mwahahaha pack your stuff! :P
I thought Pripyat beat them to it.
Slaughter,
ReplyAs an Australian I will agree wholeheartedly with all of your points regarding how deadly Australia is.
However, the major flaw with your overall theory of "Anyone who can live in the Death Continent of Australia has big chances of survival in a post-nuclear wasteland." is that almost nobody lives in the parts of Australia that have extreme conditions and deadly, wild animals. Why? It's not fucking safe, it's fucking impossible to live there.
Most of our country is "Outback" which is, for the most part, uninhabitable, although there are a few towns out there. Majority of our population live along the east and south-east coast where there's no extreme conditions (aside from drought) and no more deadly animals than other cities around the world.
That said, those that do, for some absurd reason, choose to live in the Outback could probably give that wasteland a run for it's money.
Man. The guy who designed the killdozer would be a serious asset in this situation. Luckily I come from Perth WA, which is the 2nd most inhospitable state in Australia. Only NT can beat us for fucked up things trying to kill you.
ReplyAnyone who can live in the Death Continent of Australia has big chances of survival in a post-nuclear wasteland.
Reply1º In Australia, the list of things that are trying to kill to kill can fill a entire gigabyte of text. The things that aren't trying to kill you can be summed up in some words: Some people, dogs, sheep, cats and cattle. Note the word SOME.
2º Australia's already a desertic wasteland. So, it's not much of a change to climate.
Mymp40... that last comment of yours was hilarious. You are now my Cracked Idol.
ReplyLooks like I am in the lead to surviving the Apoc-a-lypse.
ReplyI have an XB Falcon V8. 33 years old. Made of steel. Not like the plastic cars you have now. According to the movies ( well Mad Max and thats the only post-apocalyptic movie that counts ) Aussie cars are the best for the waste-lands. They are also 100% safe against shark attacks. Also nothing is better to drive against the dolphins when they decide to retake the land. Tuna might be dolphin safe but my car is not. And that, is how we do it Down Under.
Damnit! Not only does being in Amurricuh mean I'll have to swim to the Evil Mob camp, but I live on the far side, so I have to walk, too! Well, to hell with that. The moment society crumbles, I'm going to start a cult and make them take me there. Sure, they'll get tired of carrying my splendiferous palanquin, and they may die of starvation or thirst, but it's their fault for trusting me. When we make it to New York, I shall remake the cult, and command them to sew themselves into a grand ship so that I might be carried to our Evil Mob camp. I may not have much ammunition, but I'll come with my own emergency food/meat shields/slaves!
ReplyDon't know about tea, but I hear their Starbuck's is terrifyingly efficient.
ReplyOne of the USA guys who went over there ordered some special foofie drink one morning and the next morning they quoted the exact order back to him.
The horror.
The horror.
@Critter:
ReplyYes, but did WAMU correctly predict the price of tea in China?
'Cause, as long as those Asians are healthy enough to fuel this whole Cracked Mob of Doom plan, I can forgive some pre-meltdown shenanigans.
micky mick - thanks for the advice. I held his sister hostage with the AR15 but it turns out she wouldn't do "anything" as promised! I asked her to sharpen some arrows and edit a post on cracked for me but it turns out all she wanted to do was take her clothes off, call a couple of "seriously hot" 19 yr old girlfriends and show me an 'awesome' time. Final straw came when she asked if we could video it too! Do you have any idea how much mini DV tapes cost (nearly 3bucks yeah)? .. so I'm thinking I should have held out for the Gyro-copter and the snake. Will now put her on ebay tonight.
ReplyP.S. Have just been told I could have swapped the snake for an 80% equity in either Fannie Mae or AIG.
P.P.S. Rumour has it that that by next week I can be chairman of the Fed if I can still get my hands on the gyrocopter.
I'm calling Christopher Walken ....right now!
Reply[...]
ReplyPlans for the Ragnarok: It seems I must find plans for another cataclysm... that would be challenging, since it's more of a super-natural thing. Maybe getting myself some depleted uranium bullets and trying to kill any evil god with a .50 Barret shot fired in the head would work? If not, then I have to up the ante for Rocket Launchers. No evil god is going to mess my hood, man. I don't care if you are a god whose true name can break my bones and make me go mad, if you menace me, I WILL fight back, god or not!
Replymetalbrainsurgery: right on target.
Replypost-civilisational? all you have to do is travel a few miles inland and BAM youre there.
ReplyA valid point. and i'd also have justification for beating them whenever they spoke French, cause for all i knew they could be plotting an escape in their fruity tongue. I also like croissants more than Guinness, so that's another plus.
Replyincidentally, my dad owns both snakes and a gyrocopter. He's totally preparing himself for post-civilisational australia.
Deprae: have you ever tried to enslave an irish man? They are preaty easy to kick around and opress, but enslaving is something entirely different. They don't take to slavery well. Now french people however, you can kick the shit out of them AND enslave them. Thats where it will be at.
ReplyAnd now for the facts: The fall of Washington Mutual is only partially related to the mortgage crisis.
ReplyI used to work for WAMU.
I truly believe that their most drastic error was outsourcing over 1,000 customer service jobs to ICT Manilla.
The only customer service left in the US was management, but the only way to get a manager is to request one. And if you ask for a manager the Fillipino agent will hang up on you and call you a racist in your cuctomer notes.
This is not something I am exaggerating. I was a Customer Service Manager and read those notes.
I was also privy to the scores of the Manilla agents on their customer satisfaction surveys during the test run of their center.
The acceptable C-Sat score was 86%, allegedly. At least, we were told that anything less was a failure.
The Manilla center averaged 31%!!!! They FAILED the trial run.
But WAMU looked at the numbers and realized that while a US agent makes upwards of 10.00 an hour, a Manilla agent makes 1.36.
They figured that this margin was worth losing a few angry customers. They put profit ahead of decent customer service. They gave communications jobs to people incapable of communicating in the required language. They screwed up. Big time.
They lost customers at a staggering rate. Thereby losing profits at a staggering rate.
They want to throw around all of this 'economy' bullshit, but the truth is that they anally raped their customers and employees and now it is biting them in the ass.
I've started work on an underground lair in the rainforest of North Queensland. MBS, while you're off pillaging the irish, I'll be sweeping across the continent with my army of gene-altered cane farmers, so be sure to bring some slaves back as tribute.
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