If you’ve accidentally looked at a newspaper in the last couple days, you may have noticed confusing headlines screaming about market turmoil and woe. Large fonts scream at you about banks going out of business and the accompanying pictures of downward trending graphs and mopey men wearing ties look worrying to you. But you’re far too simple-minded to make heads or tails of what’s going on. The articles are all gibberish to you - “counterparty risk” sounds like something you have to be mindful of before engaging in certain sadomasochistic sex acts. Evidently “safe words” aren’t a viable solution in the financial world.
So who do you turn to for help in this confusing time? Fucking Cracked.com that’s who. We’ve got your back Chester. Below we present a completely artificial Q&A session to help you wrap your head around something that is so much bigger and more important than you, that it’s actually kind of sad.
What do you mean by “financial meltdown?”
A financial meltdown is when banks - whose entire business is repeatedly phoning other banks and then declaring they’ve made or lost money based on those phone calls - suddenly realize that all the money they made is partially fictional. At the same time, they find out that all the money they borrowed from other banks is worryingly real - at least according to those other banks, who are saying as much over the phone in shrill tones. If that sounds confusing to you, don’t worry. It’s confusing to those inside the business as well, and completely impenetrable to outside observers. Sort of like a crowded sauna with poor lighting.
The end result of all this is that banks can eventually start to fail, and in the process drag other banks down with them. This continues until you get to a situation that looks a little bit like this.
__
So is this a recession?
This is a bit different than a recession, although we’ll likely have one of those as well. A recession simply means that the economy stops growing for a little while. Countries typically shake those off within 6-12 months or so. What effect some of the largest banks in the world collapsing upon one another will have is as yet unknown, but public policy experts can’t rule out the possibility that we’ll soon all be clad in leather clothes, wandering a sun-parched wasteland searching for petrol. The experts also state that they can’t discount the possibility that the survivors will envy the dead.
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How will this affect my retirement savings?
If you’re an average Cracked reader (statistics say you are) then your “retirement savings” are an Xbox 360 and 6 games. Those should hold their value fairly well until the electrical utilities crumble in late September.
But what if you’re a “high-net-worth Cracked reader” (perhaps an Assistant Manager at Sunglass Hut), and have a few thousand dollars saved in a checking/savings account. Although this amount is insured by the FDIC in the event your bank fails, there is a non-trivial chance that the FDIC is inadequately funded to insure all deposits at failed banks in the event of a financial meltdown related zombie outbreak.
With that in mind, the wisest course might appear to be to withdraw all your money immediately and stuff it into whatever it is you sleep on. However by mid October, financial experts agree cash will be essentially worthless, after the United States Government collapses following the seizure of the capitol by a faction of lost and confused New Jersey separatists. For that reason, I suggest you immediately convert your savings to hard goods. You should purchase goods that will have a high intrinsic value in the World-To-Come. Obvious suggestions include petrol, shotgun shells and hockey pads, but really anything that can be improvised into a weapon will be extremely valuable for bartering purposes. Buying a case of double ended dildos now could be the smartest investment you ever make.
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Is the price of gas going to keep going up? Should I consider getting a more fuel efficient car?
Neoclassical economic theories as espoused by the Chicago school of economics generally suggest that the best car to have during times of financial turmoil is a Ford Falcon XB GT coupe with a V8 engine. Depending on prevailing rates of inflation the installation of three large spikes on the front bumper may also be warranted. However the diminishing capacity of existing oil fields and the recent history of commodities markets has given rise to a group of so called “peak-oil” theorists, who suggest that the ideal vehicle to have in a CHUD-infested recessionary cycle is something with a converted bio-diesel engine and a mean-spirited dog in the passenger seat.
If you’re like me and don’t have the means to change your method of transportation so dramatically, you’ll have to improvise. As an example, I’m going to be duct-taping some num-chuks to the side view mirrors of my Protege.
__
Is it time to murder my neighbor and steal his canned goods?
That’s probably a little premature, unless he’s wondering the same thing, and is planning on murdering you. In that case you’re probably justified in murdering him a little bit, or at least sleeping in the nook behind your bedroom door with a loaded crossbow cradled in your lap.
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I think you’re getting a little carried away. Surely with the support of family, friends and our local community, we’ll be able to weather any financial downturn, no matter how dramatic?
I agree 100%. If we all remain calm, work together and help each other out, this coming turmoil will be manageable. In fact upon further reflection, I recommend you do all of that. But while you’re doing all of that I’d also recommend that if you ever see a 2002 Protege on the horizon with a cattle-catcher on the front and Jackyl blaring through the shattered windscreen, that you get the fuck out of my way.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Economy, Financial, Money. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 12th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Also check out The Financial Meltdown Rap song/video on youtube.
It’s funny, and informative!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrBuPsvbHB8
October 6th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
fallout 3… mad max… i don’t know who the hell you are, but god damn if i wasn’t horribly turned on right now.
September 20th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
HeWhoWas,
Came across this fun fact, “The Australian of the Year 2007, environmentalist Tim Flannery, predicted that unless it made drastic changes, Perth in Western Australia could become the world’s first ghost metropolis, an abandoned city with no more water to sustain its population.” Mwahahaha pack your stuff!
September 20th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Slaughter,
As an Australian I will agree wholeheartedly with all of your points regarding how deadly Australia is.
However, the major flaw with your overall theory of “Anyone who can live in the Death Continent of Australia has big chances of survival in a post-nuclear wasteland.” is that almost nobody lives in the parts of Australia that have extreme conditions and deadly, wild animals. Why? It’s not fucking safe, it’s fucking impossible to live there.
Most of our country is “Outback” which is, for the most part, uninhabitable, although there are a few towns out there. Majority of our population live along the east and south-east coast where there’s no extreme conditions (aside from drought) and no more deadly animals than other cities around the world.
That said, those that do, for some absurd reason, choose to live in the Outback could probably give that wasteland a run for it’s money.
September 20th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Man. The guy who designed the killdozer would be a serious asset in this situation. Luckily I come from Perth WA, which is the 2nd most inhospitable state in Australia. Only NT can beat us for fucked up things trying to kill you.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Anyone who can live in the Death Continent of Australia has big chances of survival in a post-nuclear wasteland.
1º In Australia, the list of things that are trying to kill to kill can fill a entire gigabyte of text. The things that aren’t trying to kill you can be summed up in some words: Some people, dogs, sheep, cats and cattle. Note the word SOME.
2º Australia’s already a desertic wasteland. So, it’s not much of a change to climate.
September 19th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Mymp40… that last comment of yours was hilarious. You are now my Cracked Idol.
September 19th, 2008 at 4:58 am
Looks like I am in the lead to surviving the Apoc-a-lypse.
I have an XB Falcon V8. 33 years old. Made of steel. Not like the plastic cars you have now. According to the movies ( well Mad Max and thats the only post-apocalyptic movie that counts ) Aussie cars are the best for the waste-lands. They are also 100% safe against shark attacks. Also nothing is better to drive against the dolphins when they decide to retake the land. Tuna might be dolphin safe but my car is not. And that, is how we do it Down Under.
September 19th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Damnit! Not only does being in Amurricuh mean I’ll have to swim to the Evil Mob camp, but I live on the far side, so I have to walk, too! Well, to hell with that. The moment society crumbles, I’m going to start a cult and make them take me there. Sure, they’ll get tired of carrying my splendiferous palanquin, and they may die of starvation or thirst, but it’s their fault for trusting me. When we make it to New York, I shall remake the cult, and command them to sew themselves into a grand ship so that I might be carried to our Evil Mob camp. I may not have much ammunition, but I’ll come with my own emergency food/meat shields/slaves!
September 18th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Don’t know about tea, but I hear their Starbuck’s is terrifyingly efficient.
One of the USA guys who went over there ordered some special foofie drink one morning and the next morning they quoted the exact order back to him.
The horror.
The horror.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
[...] That’s probably a little premature, unless he’s wondering the same thing, and is planning on murdering you. In that case you’re probably justified in murdering him a little bit, or at least sleeping in the nook behind your bedroom door with a loaded crossbow cradled in your lap. (stolen from Cracked.com) [...]
September 18th, 2008 at 7:49 am
@Critter:
Yes, but did WAMU correctly predict the price of tea in China?
‘Cause, as long as those Asians are healthy enough to fuel this whole Cracked Mob of Doom plan, I can forgive some pre-meltdown shenanigans.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:25 am
micky mick - thanks for the advice. I held his sister hostage with the AR15 but it turns out she wouldn’t do “anything” as promised! I asked her to sharpen some arrows and edit a post on cracked for me but it turns out all she wanted to do was take her clothes off, call a couple of “seriously hot” 19 yr old girlfriends and show me an ‘awesome’ time. Final straw came when she asked if we could video it too! Do you have any idea how much mini DV tapes cost (nearly 3bucks yeah)? .. so I’m thinking I should have held out for the Gyro-copter and the snake. Will now put her on ebay tonight.
P.S. Have just been told I could have swapped the snake for an 80% equity in either Fannie Mae or AIG.
P.P.S. Rumour has it that that by next week I can be chairman of the Fed if I can still get my hands on the gyrocopter.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:04 am
I’m calling Christopher Walken ….right now!
September 18th, 2008 at 6:06 am
[...]
September 18th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Plans for the Ragnarok: It seems I must find plans for another cataclysm… that would be challenging, since it’s more of a super-natural thing. Maybe getting myself some depleted uranium bullets and trying to kill any evil god with a .50 Barret shot fired in the head would work? If not, then I have to up the ante for Rocket Launchers. No evil god is going to mess my hood, man. I don’t care if you are a god whose true name can break my bones and make me go mad, if you menace me, I WILL fight back, god or not!
September 18th, 2008 at 12:11 am
metalbrainsurgery: right on target.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
post-civilisational? all you have to do is travel a few miles inland and BAM youre there.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
A valid point. and i’d also have justification for beating them whenever they spoke French, cause for all i knew they could be plotting an escape in their fruity tongue. I also like croissants more than Guinness, so that’s another plus.
incidentally, my dad owns both snakes and a gyrocopter. He’s totally preparing himself for post-civilisational australia.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Deprae: have you ever tried to enslave an irish man? They are preaty easy to kick around and opress, but enslaving is something entirely different. They don’t take to slavery well. Now french people however, you can kick the shit out of them AND enslave them. Thats where it will be at.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
And now for the facts: The fall of Washington Mutual is only partially related to the mortgage crisis.
I used to work for WAMU.
I truly believe that their most drastic error was outsourcing over 1,000 customer service jobs to ICT Manilla.
The only customer service left in the US was management, but the only way to get a manager is to request one. And if you ask for a manager the Fillipino agent will hang up on you and call you a racist in your cuctomer notes.
This is not something I am exaggerating. I was a Customer Service Manager and read those notes.
I was also privy to the scores of the Manilla agents on their customer satisfaction surveys during the test run of their center.
The acceptable C-Sat score was 86%, allegedly. At least, we were told that anything less was a failure.
The Manilla center averaged 31%!!!! They FAILED the trial run.
But WAMU looked at the numbers and realized that while a US agent makes upwards of 10.00 an hour, a Manilla agent makes 1.36.
They figured that this margin was worth losing a few angry customers. They put profit ahead of decent customer service. They gave communications jobs to people incapable of communicating in the required language. They screwed up. Big time.
They lost customers at a staggering rate. Thereby losing profits at a staggering rate.
They want to throw around all of this ‘economy’ bullshit, but the truth is that they anally raped their customers and employees and now it is biting them in the ass.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I’ve started work on an underground lair in the rainforest of North Queensland. MBS, while you’re off pillaging the irish, I’ll be sweeping across the continent with my army of gene-altered cane farmers, so be sure to bring some slaves back as tribute.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
@myph: hold the sister hostage with the AR!
September 17th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Large Hadron Collider: New and improved Still to make more vodka with less greenhouse gas. No shit.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Asian women in sweet and sour sauce sounds yummy. Unless i can get them with “Fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti”. BTW: What the fuck is a fava bean?
Being as irish as a bottle of Glenlivet, the only way to survive the coming apocalypse is to grow potatoes(potatos?). You can eat the white stuff and use the brown stuff to make some great prison vodka. Otherwise known as Stoli.
You see we Irish have already survived the apocalypse. At one time in our history we were completely out of potatoes(potatos?) and moved to America and grew more potatoes(potatos?). And we still do not know what is a “Fava bean”.
There was a song back in the day by “The Kinks”. It was called “Gallon of Gas”. Google it. Know it.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Baka to the future is right. Just to be sure, JUST… we need crowbars. you never know…
September 17th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
My plans for the Rag of Rocks, metalbrainsurgery? I’ve been stashing ammo, armour, random weapons, and power-ups in boxes across the countryside. The 1Ups were a bitch to get (I got a lot of them off eBay), but I’ve safely hidden them in secure, glowing blue boxes that will only open when you smash them from underneath, or with a turtle shell.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
What type of probes will our LHC provoked all powerful alien masters have? Will they hold a grudge after being ripped from their home planet then violently twisted through time and space then puked out in a different dimension half a mile under switzerland? V12 minimum yeah.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I’m a mad scientist, can I bring along my mutant koala army and help you guys out?
The koalas can function as flamethrowers if you feed them tortillas.
I have no idea why, to tell the truth.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I have a V8 interceptor, its the FASTEST of the V8s
and three days ago I saw a rig that could haul that oil tanker
you wanna get outta hear?
talk to me.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
slaughter, what are your plans for the ragnarok?
September 17th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I’m preparing my contigencies:
Here are my plans:
In case of alien invasion due to the Hardron Collider: Crowbars, Revolvers, Shotguns and ammo. Run to the wilderness and stay near a river. Join the Brazilian Resistance and make a guerilla war using the amazon rainforest to flee. The aliens have no idea of what we have here, so they will step in and lose.
In case of Nuclear War: Find somewhere where I can produce Ethanol fuel. Find weapons (Shotguns and revolvers are recomended, pistols are too suceptible to wear) Then turn myself into the richest and strongest man of the post-nuclear world as the band of roving road-warriors kill themselves with ethanol-ran vehicles. Also, try to live in what remains of the amazon rainforest, with plenty of water and no radiation except the Fallout coming from the north. Also, I’ll get a lot of 50s music before I go. I like my apocalypse retro fifties, so to say.
In case of Alien Invasion AND Nuclear War: Shrivel down and die. Too much for my mind to cope with.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I love all you people who commented….. nubile asians = priceless.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Landmasters! Get yer Landmasters! Right here. We also have Herkimer Battle Jitneys in stock.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Xpheyel Says:
This post apocalyptic future is not nearly dystopian enough for my taste. When are those Cern guys going to open a portal to a hostile alien race that takes over the earth and enslave us all?
Sorry, but (fortunately or unfortunately) that’s not going to happen — Reddit got together and arranged for a red crowbar to be sent to them.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Just started on my neighbour. Fatten myself up as a precaution for future apocalypse related famine. Microwaved his hands, not bad. Gonna try his head in the Aga shortly.
Also have Mad Maxed my wheel barrow and have been useing it as a tool of supremacy.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I currently have a Holden Monaro V8 and and an AR15 with 200 rounds of 5.62mm. My financial adviser has just offered me a part exchange on them for a Gyro-copter and a snake. The difference will be made up in my choice of either canned dog food or cross-bow bolts. I’m unsure whether to take this offer or hold out as my mortgage broker has just called and is coming over with his sister “who will do anything” if he can have the AR15. Any advice?
September 17th, 2008 at 5:49 am
What is it a bad sign of? Like a “Danger! Bridge Out!” sign?
September 17th, 2008 at 4:01 am
When people discuss entirely unrelated matters in the comments section of your article, and no one complains, this is a bad sign.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:49 am
Great article, I couldn’t stop laughing. Is it weird that the comment “Sort of like a crowded sauna with poor lighting.” confused me more than the description before it?
@ BearMan, Wiglaf and many other commenter
If it has a shelf life of 10 years that shit ain’t bacon.
@Kingmonkey
Save me a helmet!
September 17th, 2008 at 2:27 am
My car’s in the shop, but I can get ahold of plenty of rebar to start building the Thunderdome. (Wait, in our Viking-ruled society, would it be more of a Thjunderdomme?)
September 17th, 2008 at 12:13 am
i have a plaid shirt, blue jeans, and an 86 toyota landcruiser. not exactly mad max, but it’ll suffice.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
i know the world is coming to be horrible, but not this bad. plus one of the biggest problems is how humans treat each other…. oh and gas too.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Ah but if you pork them then they taste like sex.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
m0nk3y Said:
“PSR: In my opinion, nubile Asian girls will provide you with a very satisfying “sweet and sour chicken” flavor…”
Actually, they taste more like Sweet and Sour Shrimp.
Unless you grill them. If you grill them they taste like pork.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
JAKYL!!!!!!!
September 16th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Metalbrainsurgery, check out http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnNews:Large_Hadron_Collider_opens_wormhole_to_Mirror_Universe
It’s already happened!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Getcha zombie repellent, here! The REAL stuff, none of that fake shit! Order now people!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Enigma: I should clarify. It’s theoretically possible for you to rape a man, assuming there was one out there who wouldn’t want to have sex with you. ~_^ Now, speaking practically, it’s unlikely you’ll actually meet the man who would be like that, thereby creating the situation in which you committing rape could occur.
And why would you rape for Pete’s sake? Who is this Pete and why would you require rape to drink his sake?
Oh, I get it now; nevermind.
Gigaknight: Thanks for the reassurance!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Amppppuuttatedddd haanndzzzz rrreeeepplaaaacceddd wwwww cccchhaaaiiinsssaawwwwsss. iiizzzz biiiiittccchh 2222 tyyyppee ( Electrical squarking noise. )
September 16th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I don’t require rape for pete’s sake. I was just sayin’…and I’m sorry, Res, but I’ve never met a man who said anything like “if you don’t stop trying to have sex with me, I’m calling the police” hehehe
September 16th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I’m also a physicist, and truly expect for the lhc to explode. Wait till we can reduce that technology and create a proton pack…
September 16th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
enigma: Technically, any time you have sex with a man (or woman) without his (or her) consent, it’s rape. So a woman is perfectly capable of raping. With MBS’ no-rape policy, maybe you can pretend to rape someone, like role-playing or something.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
enigma, I like you’re spirit, but rape is kinda dirty and im not down with it. So these vikings only pillage and kill.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Shit! I’m Jewish and can’t make use of the canned bacon. On the other hand, we have canned Gefilta fish. So I guess I’m okay. Plus, my people have survived the collapses of so many civilizations, I think we’ve written a few strategy guides about it. Oh, and I’m also a physicist. Pay us money, and we won’t activate the LHC. Capeesh?
September 16th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Ragnarok is upon you! Heimdall has sounded his trumpet, Thor has taken up his hammer, Odin has mounted his eight-legged steed! The wolf has broken his bonds and the world-serpent has loosed his coils! All shall burn! To arms, vikings!
September 16th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
if the lhc dosen’t create a black hole, but only explodes it will kick the world into a nuclear winter. so a frozen wasteland it will be. In related news, they pushed the firing dates back to early 2009.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Being extensively pierced and tattooed over most of my body, I’ve perfected the skill of looking menacing. Also, I’m viking by marriage. I’m still trying to figure out how I, as a female, can effectively rape…I’ve got the pillaging down.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Yes, ma’am! The resulting offspring will not even need a crib, it will be so hardy and tough.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Mongrels are a hardier species. Infect my Swedish womb at once!
September 16th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I need to know how to protect my young son. Will regular people be eating babies, or just the zombies?
September 16th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
The CERN dudes say nothing is gonna happen, but then again, who are you gonna ask? a physicist? they are the ones running the show! And if something should go wrong, there wouldn’t be a wasteland left. The planet would cease to exist. But the wasteland scenario seems nice… who will survive and what will be left of them?
September 16th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
@ tshp: Can you unite with a Lithuanian and become briefly powerful?
@ Tulip Sniper: Best crib ever. I can’t remember what we Irish/German/English/French/Hungarian/Mexican mongrel babies get, but it can’t beat that.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
in the post apocalyptic future, one will be able to hear menacing synthesizer soundtracks in the background.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
This post apocalyptic future is not nearly dystopian enough for my taste. When are those Cern guys going to open a portal to a hostile alien race that takes over the earth and enslave us all?
September 16th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
As a proud son of Poland I will respond to this coming doom the way my people always have. I will surrender after a brief and suicidal struggle for freedom. Unless I win, in which case I will elect someone else to be my overlord. Hey it what we do? I need a drink.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Until your head is of appropriate size, the helmet serves as a crib.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I can get kerosene. Lots of it.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Your helmet still fits? Does this mean Scandinavians are born with full sized heads (which must be rather painful during childbirth for the mother) or that the helmet is made from some sort of flexible material? Is it fashioned from defenseless baby Naugas?
September 16th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
My superlative sniping skills are at your disposal, Evil Mob of Doom(tm). I have my own Viking helmet. Scandinavians are issued them at birth.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Therein lies the intimidation.
Muwahahaha!
September 16th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
MBS, doesn’t Ragnarok end with everyone and everything dying, including all the gods and people? And two surviving (I think) the World Tree? (Too lazy to look up the spelling.) If that’s coming, then I’m just going to run wild until the end, as I’m pretty much screwed anyway!
Our coordinated leather-clad dance routines are a sight to behold though. Once we bust one of them the fuckers know it’s on. We require payment of sledgehammers and metal-studded hats.
Can I pay not to see your coordinated leather-clad dance routines? Unless the gang is full of attractive women, of course.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
my bf’s one of those survival types, i’ll just go find him if the world ends and we’ll cruise around in an MLVW or something with his twin brother and gf. Thing is i just know I’d either be the first one to die or the one being rescued all the damn time >_<
September 16th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Speaking for the New Jersey separatists: “We are neither lost or comfused”
Great (and depressing) article!
September 16th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
same thing happened in ‘29. i remember slaying zombies, protecting my precious gas from those damn neighbor kids. i think i’ll be able to whether this crisis.
sheila, get my shotgun!!
September 16th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I can contribute a gang to the Evil Mob of Doom(TM). Derr Voinlok. Unfortunately with my modified Trans-Am 2 of my 6 henchman have to ride on the roof, which could make us vulnerable to attack.
Our coordinated leather-clad dance routines are a sight to behold though. Once we bust one of them the fuckers know it’s on. We require payment of sledgehammers and metal-studded hats.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
To maximize our Evil, I suggest someone kidnap Malcolm MacDowell and bring him to us.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I shall bring the licorice and my standing Monkey Army (which is now 7 strong!). We’ll pile into the monkeymobile (a 98 Honda Civic with corkscrews tied to the front and back bumper, and a knife glued to the antenna) and meet you guys at the end of the world.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
the ragnarok is coming. My viking beserkers pledge their axes to the Evil Mob of Doom (TM). Only one stipulation, I get a bag of gummi dinos every week untill we run out.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Palmer: canned bacon is damn easy to catch
September 16th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Well, due to the fact that i’m from Hungary i’ll be providing the Evil Mob of Doom(tm) with canned bacon…btw the cans (after they are emptied) can be used as a housing for a mine…
September 16th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I don’t have the time to start hunting for asian girls…they are swift and nimble…is there a slower, easier to catch prey?
September 16th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Dammit, I’d better go buy me some shoulder pads and a dingo.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
» How to survive a financial meltdown | Cracked.com…
How to survive a financial meltdown…
September 16th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Several have wondered how to handle the zombie hordes. Carry a cricket bat and aim for the head. You might get red on you, but it’s a tried and true method of defeating the zombie hordes.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I didn’t think about live ones; good call Ross. Guess I need to start wearing a fur coat and start working on pimp-hand strength exercises. Sigh. Things are about to get more difficult. The dead ones only open their mouths reflexively or by force; now I gotta hear a bunch of complaining.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
And crack.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Nooooooooooooo! Time to stock up on preservatives.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Unfortunately J-Pappi hookers will inevitably become a valuable commodity in this apocalyptic future. No more wasting them.
Hookers will become the next enviromental concern.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
R_I: this pending apocalypse does not bode well for our dead-hooker business; they’ll be much easier to come by. We must diversify our operation. Good thing I just re-upped my weed stash; I’ll get right on it.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
If someone develops personality-storing crystals within the next year and a bit, Eric Seufert is going to have some apologising to do.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I recommend everyone buy copper jacketed lead and avoid austrailians. I would also invest in tatoo and piercing shops, as they always seem to do a lot of business when roving gangs run the cities.
Also, if you own a cafe racer, you better lock that sumbitch up.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Kingmonkey, I assume you’ll be bringing your simian army? The Evil Mob of Doom (TM) should have predetermined roles. One person be the armorer, one person stock up on beer and liquor, one person stock up on women (or men, for any female members), one person stock up on food and water, &c.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Okay, everybody, I have a serious thing to propose here. In the event of an apocalyptic financial downturn as described here, I say we should all meet up in a predesignatede location and form our Evil Mob of Doom(tm).
I’ll try and find as many novelty viking helmets along the way as I can.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I hate to admit it but you may be right! I’m almost ready, I just need more food, some coffee and an ethanol still. (found a few!) I got a dog but he’ll need some toughing up. 2 of my vehicles will run on whatever I can find or brew with a little tuning. I’ll need more ammo because you can never have TOO much! So when the system breaks down and the raping and pillaging begins, don’t come near MY house, it will not be safe……………
September 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
More win from Robotman. His contributions are basically the only thing worth reading on the blogs. I wish they’d just scrap the section altogether and bring back the old PWOT News Skim instead.
Also, to those who don’t appreciate his writings, may you all be raped by the post-apocalyptic road warriors that will inevitably inhabit the US.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
At least until the dragonships row up the Danube, leaving a path of destruction and pregnant teens and empty canned bacon warehouses in their wake.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
That’s because they’re HUNGARY for it.
……..buh dum tshhh.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
“goofball Says: Who makes the canned bacon?”
Well, from the label in the picture, Hungary does.
OMFG Hungary will emerge as a new world power in the new economy!!!!!!111oneone
September 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
How will the shambling zombie hordes impact my 401k and my commute to work?
September 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Who makes the canned bacon? I totally need to max out my bank credit and stock up. Canned Bacon WILL become the currency of the new age.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
You have my axe, Metalbrainsurgery. And my Manowar cd collection. The world shall tremble at the sound of Sleipnir’s hooves, and bow before the might of Mjolnir’s flames.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Awesome, loved it.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Hi,
This article sucked the big one.
That is all.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:01 am
my friends are fans of the “Crimson Ghost” serial chapters. We know how to construct a Cyclotrode (EMP device) if people still have electricity we could control it & become gangster-warlords. Everyone shall submit to our whims of extortion & blackmail. It’s just our plan if the shit ever came down. You all might as well submit to us now before the apocolypse happens. Join or die! Of course, if there is no electricity to control–we’re fucked like the rest of you!
September 16th, 2008 at 10:54 am
thedamned — I’ll second your recommendation. As long as they’re indoctrinated properly, the children would indeed be put to better use as a warrior class/fanatically loyal servant base. Although that starts to get deeper into the whole villainous overlord shtick, which inevitably begs intervention by aforementioned rugged douche-heroes.
I do think that the resentment issue would be trivially dealt with, though, by ensuring that, following delivery, said Asian mothers were immediately relegated to the food supply.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Wiglaf, canned bacon while pillaging sounds like an excelent idea.
Actually part of me is terrified of canned bacon, not unlike my fear of spam.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Baka To The Future, breeding for consumption would ultimitely end in your demise. The mother(s) of these asian women would soon grow to resent your hording and then eating of their children. Also, asian children really only become edible after the age of five, but by this time it has given them enough time to develop their innate kung-fu abilities and you will have a pretty big fight on your hands. I would recommend using the offspring as a sort of unholy army of the night.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:21 am
When people ask me whether I’m prepared for a downturn in the economy, I reply “Sure! I’m well stocked up on .357, .38 Special and 9mm, though my ‘portfolio’ is a little light on 12-gauge shells.” Ammo: it’s the currency of the new millenium.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Very funny article.
Yeah, I really hope that when the particles collide some shit like this goes down. It’s the closest thing we’ve had to a good post apocolypse scare in awhile… It’s already been fired I think, and they’re supposed to hit on the 20th… I’m going to get fucking drunk and go nuts.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I thought Viking music was all just a bunch of war-cries as they go pillaging and looting! I feel the lack of Norse in me. Sad. The overabundance of Romano-Celtic-Germanic in me feels terrified. The part of me that wants to bone Asians is glad that the Roman Bakalic Church has declared that not boning hot Asian girls is a sin.
You know what’s most interesting (to me) about this article? That while it tries to be humorous, I’m actually frightened that parts of it might come true. Bucholz is once again trying to cower us non-robots into submission, I think. Curses!
September 16th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Canned bacon is awesome! Yoder’s even comes in a camo can:
http://www.mredepot.com/servlet/the-364/Yoder%E2%80%99s-Celebrity-Canned-Bacon/Detail
Shelf life of 10 years! I’m definitely bringing cases of this on my pillaging forays.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:04 am
THEY MAKE CANNED BACON?! I know what I’m stocking up on for my bomb shelter.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:50 am
but what do we do about those leprechauns? damn they are tricky.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:50 am
But seriously, all of this will be done in vain come the first week of october, when they fire the large hadron colider.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:45 am
And we might possibly relocate to a coastal area so that we can start sailing and piliageing islands. Especialy those damn irish.
Hail Rothgar! Hail Wigalf!
September 16th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Ha I thought that was very funny!
September 16th, 2008 at 9:42 am
How about a modified Camaro with an extra gas tank? I don’t have spikes on the front, but would a few well placed dildo’s work?
September 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am
You guys can stick to your road warriors post apocalyptic world, I live out in the country, so I’m going to convert to a more Viking type of post apocalyptic world. Who’s with me? The only music alowed is Amon Amarth and some anything remotely viking-esque.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Excellent financial analysis! You should really add a wikipedia entry for “Financial Meltdown” using the exact definition you so eloquently expressed.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Res. it’d be a sin not to. Those you elected not to cannibalize immediately would churn out mini-Asians for future consumption.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Can we also bone these nubile Asians as well as eat them? Or is that more appropriately suited to a certain other blogger’s blog?
September 16th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Skipper: Not really seeing a problem with that. If my existence after financial Armageddon comprises solely of eating nubile Chinese tuna, bring it on!
Baka: heh, laid…
September 16th, 2008 at 8:05 am
How about investing in a flying machine? what do they call them? helicopters I think? or was it an eagle? either way I’m hunting one down with my crossbow today.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:02 am
We need some fire, lots of fire, we need to show those damn mutants and CHUDs who’s fucking boss.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Ah, and Robb, if we’ve learned anything at all from those movies and games, it’s that some rugged douche with a chip on his shoulder will always come along and ruin our best laid plans no matter how well or with whom they are laid.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Whichever ones actively get in the way between you and essential supplies.
In the event that this does not narrow things down enough (e.g. organized mobs), start by consuming the ringleader. This will have the added benefit of a chance at scoring some lackeys of your own.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:53 am
m0nk3y: Yeah, but you’ll be hungry again in a half an hour, know what I’m sayin’? High five.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Wait…If everyone is here, talking about this now, then why not form a board of evil leadership that holds the world in its horrible, human rights obliterating clutches? Pleassseee? We could own all the good shit, and since we watch so many movie, and play so many video games, we know exactly how to avoid getting blown up/ over thrown/ shot in the face by some hero type. So, any takers?
September 16th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Ross, I heartily recommend vegans in red wine sauce. If you get an activist kind, they are fit and muscular from fighting with riot cops. Plus, they are just loaded with vitamins and have an almost sweet taste, which is really counterpointed well with the red wine sauce.
Ideally, you should serve them with a side dish of green beans, and some spaghetti carbonara.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:46 am
PSR: In my opinion, nubile Asian girls will provide you with a very satisfying “sweet and sour chicken” flavor…
September 16th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Also, what peoples would you recommend taste the nicest in the event of cannibalism?
September 16th, 2008 at 7:24 am
I have a pair of leather chaps, a modified Trans-Am, feathered hair and a stock of basic gas reserves, how well are my chances of survival in the post-apocalypse?
Do I need to invest in the three spikes for the front wheels as you suggested or can I make my own using rubber and a garden rake?
September 16th, 2008 at 7:09 am
meh