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How To Stay A Virgin For The Rest Of Your Life: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Sonic Metal

It happens to all of us every once in a while: You're doing something completely irrelevant - sitting in your office, working on your car, maybe just playing some Sonic the Hedgehog - when all of the sudden you get hit with a sudden urge. It sneaks up on you at first, just a faint hint of a suggestion, but then you can't stop thinking about it. You try to ignore it, but the truth is you can no longer help yourself.

You must build a guitar out of an old Sega Genesis.

So you pull the Genesis out of storage in your parents' basement - which is convenient, because that's where you live - and you get to work, but then your girlfriend walks in and she's like, "What the hell are you doing?" and you're like, "Wait a minte - I don't have a girlfriend. Who the hell are you?" and she's like, "Oh, wait - I think I have the wrong house. I'm looking for Donny," and you're like, "Yeah, Donny lives a block over. On Kendall Avenue. This is KenDALE Avenue." Then she's like, "Oh, weird - his house looks exactly like this one," and you're like "Yeah, I know," and then she looks at the Sega Genesis and severed guitar neck on your workbench and is like, "Uhh... yeah. Good luck with that."

A few days later you'll be done building your Sega Genesis guitar, but you'll still be thinking about Donny's girlfriend. You'll read the Wikipedia entry for "Courtship", hoping to glean something about the art of seduction, racking your brain to come up with a way to win her affections, and then you'll decide to impress her the only way you know how: by making a video of yourself wailing on your Sega Genesis guitar in front of some Sonic the Hedgehog levels and putting it up on YouTube. Then you'll sit back and wait for her to blow you up with her digits in the comments, but then your mom will be like, "DINNER!!!" and you'll have to turn off the computer and go upstairs.

A few days later Donny will kick your ass and steal your Sega Genesis guitar, which he will then proceed to sell on eBay for $101. Good times.

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Ross Wolinsky

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