Everybody’s up in arms about this healthcare debate, and it’s easy to see why: We are being asked, as a country, to either sacrifice our lives to the faulty healthcare system we already have, or sacrifice the very beliefs that this great nation was founded on and yield to socialism. There’s no easy answer to a debate as complicated as this, but a recent trip to the doctor’s office really helped me put some things into perspective. Allow me to relate:
***
“So we’ve had you on the Celexa for a few months now, Robert, and you say you’re not feeling any progress?” I had to commend the doctor on his bedside manner: He looked genuinely concerned. Maybe it had something to do with the sackful of doorknobs I was swinging relentlessly about my head.
“Keys. Wallet. Red pants. Knob-sack. All right! Let’s keep some fucking appointments.”
“Yep, no progress whatsoever. These things didn’t get me high at all,” I replied, destroying his computer with a thundering metallic crash.
“You… wait. Why were you taking the Celexa again? It’s a commonly prescribed anti-depressant. I’d just assumed you were showing some symptoms.” He seemed to be edging toward the phone, so I shattered that next. My doorknob sack cut the air audibly and fragments of his answering machine ricocheted from the walls. One hit him on the cheek. A solitary line of blood divided his face.
“Well, my last doctor thought it would help take the edge off… my sobriety,” I answered testily. Jesus, did this guy get his doctorate in Stupid Questions at Asshole University?
Close enough.
My arm was starting to get sore. I’d started swinging the knob-sack soon after I entered the office, when the receptionist informed me that there was a wait-time of 15 minutes. I find a makeshift brass flail tends to put you at the front of lines almost immediately. I call it the Expediter.
“And who was your last physician?” The doctor was visibly shaking now, and that made me nervous. I wasn’t sure I trusted him. He could be on something.
“Jesus Christ,” I said.
“What? What’s wrong?! I promise you, whatever it is, we can fix it!” He cried out, cowering.
“No, you misunderstand. That’s my doctor. Doctor Jesus. Check the chart,” I was feeling unsure about how long I could continue to keep the Expediter in motion, and I find that most of my appointments usually end soon after the motivating presence of a knob-sack does.
“Ah, yes. I see. Right here on the prescription pad: Signed by ‘Doctor Jesus Christ (The Best Doctor).’ Did you, ah… did you write this yourself?”
“No, dude. Look. It says right here: prayer. The treatment for cardiomyopathy is prayer.”
“Of course,” I replied, trying to see how close I could swing the sack to his face without hitting him. Not very close, it turned out. I nicked him a little, but he seemed to feel a bit better after spitting out that tooth. “You think I’d trust just anybody to put crap into my body? This shit is a temple. Ask your wife. She worships here every night.”
I held out my unoccupied hand for a high five, but I didn’t trust the way he went in for it, so I hit him with the Expediter again instead.
“Oh god, please. Please stop. Just… just tell me what happened.”
“Well, I saw a commercial telling me to ask my doctor if Celexa was right for me, so I mugged a doctor and told him to tell me ‘it was right for me.’ But this doesn’t do shit!” I cried, heartbreakingly sober. “In the commercials some guy was staring through a window all bored, then he took the stuff, and next thing you know he was seeing horses run down the beach and some lady jerking it in a field of flowers.”
“I figured it was a heavy-grade hallucinogen. But the only things I’ve seen so far are real. You know, boring crap like restraining orders and terrified doctors,” my arm was starting to dip; I would have to speed this up.
“Well, yes, it’s just for depression and anxiety. It doesn’t have any uh… narcotic effects. However, I feel pressed to inform you that you shouldn’t simply stop taking it, as it can have some serious side effects like nausea, suicidal urges and Paraesthesia, or what we call ‘electric shocks.’”
I brought my knob-sack to a sudden halt. The momentum change threw me off balance and I slammed into the doorjamb. As the blood streamed down my face, I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically at my own slapstick. That seemed to unnerve him for some reason.
“What?! No shit? I quit this stuff and I get electric powers? Like a wizard?!”
“Celexa: Ask your doctor if awesome lightning powers are right for you!”
“No, they’re not really electric it’s just-”
“So what you’re saying is, I stop dosing up on half a bottle of this crap every morning, and I just suddenly get lightning powers like the Emperor from Star Wars? Fuck yes! Medical science is tits on toast!” Now that I had lost momentum on the knob-sack, I knew I couldn’t get it up and going again before the doctor could make a move on me. I saw the same realization dawn on his face, and we both broke for the door simultaneously. He got there first, but as our hands touched a bolt arced between us and he went down like a tazed fish.
“Fuckin’ sweet!” I yelled, staring awestruck at my own sparking hands.
“Wh… how did you? It’s not real! It doesn’t work like that!” He was clearly having trouble understanding basic biology, so I shot him with another burst. I heard somewhere that violent electric shocks really boost your learning capacity. Sesame Street, I think it was.
“Electricity helps you learn, and burning helps you grow!”
As I emerged from the doctor’s office, I saw the usual security contingent waiting for me. Doctors, man! Ain’t that always the way? You gotta wait in line all day, reading outdated magazines and sitting on paisley chairs, and then 14 unprovoked assaults later and all of a sudden you’re under arrest. Typical.
“In the interest of sport,” I hollered down the hallway to the waiting police officers, “I feel pressed to inform you gentlemen that I just quit Celexa and now I control lightning.”
“That’s not what he meant,” the nurse poked her head around the corner, “it’s just the sensation of ele-”
“SILENCE FOOLS!” I thundered, both metaphorically and literally. Lightning bolts raced from my hands and traced the doorways in jumping arcs as they traveled down the narrow hall, “ELECTRONICO SPEAKS NOW.”
(I figured I should probably be called Electronico from that point on).
DO NOT MOCK ELECTRONICO’S SUPERVILLAIN NAME. IT WAS LAST MINUTE.
“LISTEN TO HIS DEMANDS AND OBEY. HE… umm… HE WANTS…” I panicked, not having any actual demands ready. “ELECTRONICO DEMANDS… A NEW BELT, FOR HIS BELT IS JUST A TAPE MEASURE KNOTTED ABOUT HIS PANTS AND IT IS VERY CHAFING.”
All right, that would do. What it lacked in glamor if made up for in functionality. The new kingdom of Electronico would be one ruled by utilitarianism. No longer would the bourgeoisie oppress the lower class with their selfish, rampant hedonism!
“ALSO TO SHOWER IN CHAMPAGNE. ELECTRONICO DEMANDS THAT TOO!” I added. Hey, sometimes a brother’s got to treat himself, you know? The bubbles really help exfoliate.
***
After I’d made one of the nurses strip the unconscious doctor of his belt (and pants, because that’s just funny) and bathed in the finest sparkling wines of France, I found myself suddenly concerned with the workings of the world. Yes, I had welded myself a shining throne from the carcasses of the hospital staffs cars. And yes, I had set up a makeshift fiefdom in the parking garage. And yes, I made the nurses dance for me every hour on the hour while I rained lightning down on the peasants to display my dominance–but I needed to contribute something valuable to society.
I know, right? Like, the second you start ruling people with an iron fist, hygiene goes right out the window.
And I knew what that something was.
“Herald,” I called out for my herald: The man who was my voice to the masses, who recorded my demands and presented them to the world outside. Nobody stepped forward. I should’ve probably appointed one, and then called for him, come to think of it.
“That’s you,” I said to the pants-less doctor, “you’re my herald. Doctor No-pants. Whatever your name is.”
“My name’s Harold,” he replied, meekly.
I shocked him in the eyeball, and he yelped. “Don’t be a smartass, herald. Record my words so that the world might hear my wisdom, and despair.”
“Why would they despair at wisdom?” The herald asked me. I shocked him in the other eye. Now each eye was twitching with alternating frequency. He looked like he was continuously winking. How darling!
“Tell the world that I have the answer for our current healthcare woes,” I laughed as the herald scrambled for a pen, winking frantically. The twitching must have made seeing difficult, because he fell several times.
“I’m not being charming, bitch, I’m having a stroke!”
“As I have sat and ruled over this medical establishment, I have long pondered the state of our healthcare system and, indeed, have found it in need of reform,” the herald dutifully transcribed my words, timing the writing in between eye-blinks. “Relying on an entirely capitalist approach to something as direly important as one’s health makes little sense. The concern for profit is at direct odds with the concern for the sanctity of human life. Profit, by its very nature, is selfish. Profit is concerned only with prolonging and enhancing profit, and if it is required to do so at the expense of life, it will. Running healthcare like a business means that patients are merely assets, and assets are expendable.”
Some around the room nodded in mystified agreement.
“Yeah! It’s a moral imperative to care for the sick! Keep capitalism out of it! Free Tibet!” Screamed one particularly filthy looking individual. Admittedly my kingdom of Parking Level Orange was a rough and tumble place, but I was nonetheless astounded at just how filthy the peasant had managed to get so quickly.
The realization struck me with nauseating impact.
“Hippy!” I screamed in horror, shooting a bolt of ozone-splitting electricity into his dreadlocks. I needed to think quickly. I simply could not reconcile myself to agreeing with mewling, puking babes like that.
No shirt, no shoes, no valid opinion.
“But socialism is not the answer, either!” The herald looked confused, but dutifully continued writing. “No, socialism is the most corruptible form of government. When lives are on the line, one cannot simply hope and place their well-being in the hands of a vast agency with no incentive to do well by their charges. What better motive to excel at one’s field than profit?”
“Yeah!” Cried another peasant, this one so clearly ravaged by inbreeding that his teeth were backwards. “Love it or leave it, this is a capitalist system! Fuckin’ these colors don’t run! Git-R-Done!” He seemed furious, but deeply confused as to exactly why. His stupidity revolted me, so I called down the thunder and reaped the whirlwind on his groin.
“No, neither option is the answer…” I trailed off. I had nothing, but my kingdom could not see their ruler admit fault. A long, silent moment passed, with no sound to be heard but the sickly wet blinking of my herald.
My people began to get restless. There were murmurs of dissent, and still I remained silent.
Squick went the herald. Squick.
“So what is the answer?!” Demanded a voice from the crowd. Suddenly it came to me: The perfect solution to the healthcare debate! An answer that would apply equally to both sides, addressing all current concerns so thoroughly and completely that even the extremists would receive it with open arms.
“The answer is lightning, motherfucker!” I rained a thunderstorm down on the crowd, and cackled as they jerked and seized like broken marionettes. I used the brief time they were stunned to make good my escape.
Q: Anything. A: Lightning.
As I ran through the empty and now utterly destroyed offices, idly wondering if I had accidentally electrocuted 20 people to death in the parking garage, I couldn’t help but think that I had really dodged a bullet on that one. That healthcare shit is tricky.
What? You didn’t seriously think I had an answer, did you?
***
Epilogue:
Several assaults and one brief kidnapping later, I discovered that detoxing from Celexa doesn’t actually grant you super powers, it just creates the sensation of an electric shock. When asked why I briefly experienced electrical mastery, an unnamed accredited medical professional (Hint: He cries when covered in spiders) informed me that I was simply so astoundingly susceptible to the placebo effect that, as long as I believed it was true, it actually worked. When asked to explain this in simpler terms, he elaborated that I was “so retarded that it crossed the line into the supernatural.” When asked to further simplify, he sighed wearily and showed me a Wile E. Coyote cartoon where the character ran on air until he realized the ground was gone. I finally got it.
It was magic, right?
Don’t forget to check out today’s feature: 5 Superpowers You Didn’t Know Your Body Was Hiding From You. And also check out our Photoshop Contest: 22 Awesome Ways to Reboot Classic TV Shows.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Medicine, Politics, insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
GO CRACKED!!
November 18th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Best use of Lightning Axe yet!!! BWA haha!
November 15th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Hey shut the hell up dumbass Jake. You make us non dumbass jakes look stupid. That shit was funny
October 20th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
not funny.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
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October 12th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
This might possibly be the best cracked.com article of all time.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Hilarious copy, Robert.
Our HC delivery system doesn’t deliver.
Much like Wile E Coyote, American culture keeps running unaware that there’s nothing holding it up.
October 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I think Amy has well and truly mastered the art of satire
“the core of the conservative mindset is love, not hate, for all humans”
I haven’t laughed so much in ages. Thanks
September 28th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
OK you win Amy. Your lucid argument has shown me the error of my sarcastic ways. Your compassion has melted my hardened heart. It is obvious from your well reasoned post that yes indeed all liberals are essentially distrustful and disrespectful - how could I have been so blind! I will no more foist any poor attempts at humor at the sophisticated readership of Cracked.com.
September 28th, 2009 at 9:52 am
@uncle sam
nice, elaborate, misleading post. i commend you for your almost perfect impression of a republican pov.
i can’t help but point out however, your single biggest flaw. it is clear that you are liberal at your core because of the lack of respect for humanity. hidden beneath all those impressive words, you essentially distrust and disrespect most of the people around you, especially people who disagree with you. the core of the conservative mindset is love, not hate, for all humans. i have found that it is impossible to explain this type of love to liberals because they neither feel nor understand it. to think that setting people free to run own and operate business is love is an idea you are not capable of grasping. to think that regulating suppressing and preventing people from competing for themselves is good for them is a concept born out of jealousy. there is balance in the middle. that balance is to let people be free as long as they don’t infringe another person’s right to be free.
if you want to truly master the art of satire, you must completely understand the other pov. however, you are incapable (not intellectually but emotionally) and i suggest you give it up.
September 26th, 2009 at 5:54 am
@cohiaman
sorry to be a history nazi, but are you actually trying to refer to the consitution that was cadopted in 1787? 1776 was when the declaration of independence was written (and the articles of confederation), although it, unfortunately, managed to get some items wrong when dealing with our so called inalienable rights. life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? well, for starters we do not have the right to life, which is where the giant health care debacle comes into play. saying we have the right to life means that we would not be able to walk out of our doors on a daily basis because we could control all of the means that could potentially kill us on a daily basis. as sam elliot said in the big lebowski, “sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear, well, he eats you.” the pursuit of happiness? if making me happy involves infringing on the liberty of others, then i cannot morally pursue happiness. liberty. this is actually the one right that all men have. but only to a certain point. for example, my right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins, but there will always be people out there who continue swinging that fist until it connects with your nose. you have the right to liberty until it is infringed on by someone else, from what is in all actuality a morally incorrect stand. if everyone acknowledged everyone else’s right to liberty, and did not try on infringe on the liberty of others, then we would really be living in a much happier place.
as for fixing health care in america today, it needs to start with the complete dismantling of the private insurance sector, followed by getting the government’s meddling fingers out of health care entirely. cut down on the bureaucracy necessary to make health care run, and you can start cutting down on the costs.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Or both Frances - I take it you received your degree from that esteemed ‘institution’ and are offering a hearty endorsement….
September 21st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
The university of Pheonix is for liars and whores.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
GETS PAID BY THE WORD?
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September 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
gotta git me a sack-o-knobs! {already have the lightning shit down, I use magnetic cock-rings, twelve of them}
I’ll expect and answer by tommorow, or your little dog gets it.
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September 14th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
You really are my favorite, Mr. Brockway. Enjoyed this article immensely. Keep up the good work.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Haha awesome article
September 14th, 2009 at 7:54 am
@DBoz
Stupidity and blind follower-ship is not the exclusive purview of the left- it’s actually universal. Human minds are limited and the majority of human beings reason and rationalize their views based upon preexisting conceptions built upon irrational forces such as emotion and comfort with that which is familiar. Everyone does it… in fact, your brain does not work in such a way where you can easily avoid doing it.
The result is that, when we observe those with whom we agree, we see rationality and good sense. This is because there is already commonality between the subconscious views that underlie our conscious opinions. When we observe people with whom we disagree, we are more inclined to trace their arguments back to their subconscious emotional and irrational sources. As these aspects tend to be in disagreement with our own thoughts at this level, we note that the other side is operating blindly and out of emotion. The fact is that no matter how rational we might believe ourselves to be, we do this too. We all follow blindly, even the most reasonable of us, and fundamental changes in point of view can normally be traced to a more fundamental change in an individual’s psyche.
@Anonymous
The United States was not built on Rand’s principles. While Rand certainly looked to the founding of the US as an inspiration for her views, most of what she wrote was in reaction to philosophical problems she had with her homeland, the Soviet Union. Rand presented some interesting thoughts but she is generally is not taken seriously. This is not due merely to the dominance of “altruistic” philosophies among the intelligentsia, but rather because her views are ultimately even more Utopian in character than the Communist ideologies she rejected.
I would also argue that the system built in the United States back in 1776 did not in fact work for the majority of the country. It more or less worked only for rich, white, male landowners. The United States only began to become economically significant in comparison to European nations after World War I, as a result of those same European nations decimating themselves in vicious war. Prior to, during, and after that time, most Americans had to work ungodly hours to scrape together even a meager living. Things did not really pick up until after World War II, when Europeans practically decimated their own industrial and economic infrastructures (along with their populations) and where we, as the only country untouched, stood to benefit economically by helping them rebuild. By that time, there were all sorts of government programs and regulations which helped spread the wealth from this time of prosperity.
These are the factors that have led to the quality of life and standard of living you now enjoy, not the principles instituted by the founding fathers of the US off of which Rand attempted to base her model.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:41 am
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September 13th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Must be something wrong with my internet connection or my browser, because on my monitor I don’t see anything funny or interesting or more sophisticated than you’d expect to get from some high school freshman who had read his first Hunter S. Thompson, stopped taking his Ritalin, and tried to write in the late master’s gonzo style.
And failed.
September 13th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Lascivious Vulgarians,
Among the pack of wheedling, braying jack-asses that is this sites regular contributors, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to run my business. Indeed, hardly a day goes by in which this strident horde of mewling, puking harpies offers their unwelcome opinions here on how to ‘right the ship’. Like many successful and wealthy plutocrats, I am sometimes asked by one or another of you god-damned sheep exactly what it is to which I credit my good fortune.
There is one quality I possess in spades which separates me from the misled cattle that is man-kind. But it is neither my low animal cunning, nor my ruth-less attitude. It is not even the fact that I was born into incredible wealth and privilege and raised in a stress-infused and Byzantine family before most of you were but a series of brutish animal impulses in your drunken grandfather’s pants-creases. What makes me a force to be reckoned with is my capacity to feel ever-present, mind-wracking, pants-shitting fear.
In the realm of business, it has been an unparalleled boon. Fear, after all, is at the root of hatred and anger, the two empire-building tools which have spurred me to fill my coffers to a state of absolute, unfettered corpulence. Like all good capitalists, I fear and despise competition and have therefore crushed whatever rivals poke their heads up.
I make a point of motivating every last one of my employees, from the scullery-maid to the previous President, with fear, as well as its constant companion, derision and threats. In fact, I believe that if you begin living your life in fear, you will be a better and more successful citizen. Is that enough of a cogent articulation so that the gaggle of you dullards are able to at least vaguely comprehend the primary point?
Uncle Sam esq. (Republican)
September 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
wow brockway you kick ass.
September 12th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Fantastic article Mr. Brockway. I believe you figuratively hit the nail on the head here as to why everybody is so uppity about this issue. There really is no simple answer to this problem, so why not resort to the simplest of answers (violence)? I am totally going to go get some Celexa now.
September 11th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@anonymous
I thought the whole point of Rand’s thought is that does away with a concept of society, so a Utopian society based on her tenets is somewhat oxymoronic. Like when existentialists whore themselves out to get famous fast (I’m looking at you, Sartre and Camus).
I had several attempts at imagining Rand’s perfect world, but gave up when my brain exploded. Probably, it involves her getting a ton of lucrative royalties from impressionable sophomores. Possibly, it was the 80s.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Holy shit Brockway, have you been playing inFAMOUS while on drugs?
September 11th, 2009 at 6:43 am
tonyP44, while most of your proposal sounds reasonable (except the “basic treatment for all bullshit”. What is this, the People’s Republic of Temperate North America? Get that shit outta here), I must point out that if we were to explore space and get a large chunk of the population settled on another planet, or, what would be even cooler, a Halo-esque space ring (minus the flesh-eating parasites, hopefully), it would greatly reduce the population of Earth and thus reduce the number of people needing medical treatment here on La Tierra. Let’s boldy go, motherfuckers!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
great article homie
September 10th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Gabriel Says:
@Bah: Show me any society that has used Rand as a model as successfully as you claim that it should be, and I’ll eat my leg.
@Gabriel: Well. . . there IS that one country. . . sorry, blanking here. . . what’s the name? Oh, yeah. The United States of America. Of course, they didn’t use Rand directly, as she wasn’t alive at that point, though the Declaration of Independence might as well be part of Galt’s speech in AS.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
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September 10th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I am not sure that estrogen is an emotion.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
oh my god i love you. send me an email and we’ll hook up k?
September 10th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
This had some fantastically great sentences in it; the sort of sentences that lead me to write glowing, religious-epiphany-style comments. But the rest wasn’t quite up to the spread-your-seed-in-my-fertile-ass-fields level of adulation, so I am only moderately worshipful. However, I am currently not earthed, so I will overlook the self-indulgent acid-trip Brockway style that I hate so much, and hope I can get away without any cruel Tesla zaps.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:20 am
That was amazing! Methinks there’s going to be a showdown one day between Brockway and DOB.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I love you Brockway. Is your book out yet? Get on that.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:25 am
wait…I thought canada doesnt exits.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Great column. This just made my work day less painful. Or was it the Celexa?
September 10th, 2009 at 3:09 am
ha ha. being born in canada is fantastic. you can go to the doctor for whatever stupid shit you want and you don’t have to pay!
sure, we’re pinkos, but i still don’t understand why our national passtime is hockey and not bothering doctors as much as possible.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:08 am
DBoz: Though a left-leaning moderate myself, I agree with your point about the foolishness of knee-jerk reactions. However, I just can’t take you seriously when you sully that point with needless, uncalled-for sexism and, uh, hateful partisanism. Seriously, why all the hate?
September 10th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Definitely going to order Brockway’s book.
This bastard made me guffaw so heartily, I vomited amusement from every orifice, simultaneously.
True story.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:16 am
PROMETHEUS! I thought you learned your lesson after that fire incident! Now you’re giving the humans my lightning bolts?!?
September 9th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
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September 9th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
. Now each eye was twitching with alternating frequency. He looked like he was continuously winking. How darling!
pure genius…
September 9th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
“You think I’d trust just anybody to put crap into my body? This shit is a temple. Ask your wife. She worships here every night.”
That was the best line I’ve read in a long time.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
That was awsum. good job.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
p.s. it’s just a darned joke
September 9th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
THANKS FOR THE FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After an exhausting day of nursing clinical (I actually chose this profession AFTER I graduated with a degree…damn going back, it makes you insane)
I reiterate….
THANKS FOR THE FUNNY!!!!!!
this has been a hard run of years for any grade of care staff -
I am presenting nominal credentials because I am concerned and I would encourage all actively involved in reading this article:
laughter is a fantastic therapy and anger is a debilitating stressor…take a deeeeep breath and smile.
At any given moment you have the opportunity to learn something that benefits another.
Share those things and realize they are an opportunity to build a community.
Before any re-action, analyze and evaluate the action.
Be well and thank you for the humor.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Genius. Best part was him not writing the right name on the prescription.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Brilliant article
September 9th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Brockway, you sir are many amounts of awesomeness. I laughed particularly hard at “I’m not being charming, bitch, I’m having a stroke.”
September 9th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Verinon, it seems like enough people have already pointed out just how ignorant you looked with your comment, but I can’t help but join in and call you a retard. You’re obviously a liberal. Why? Because it’s generally the kind of people who blindly follow a political movement who think with their emotions (most likely estrogen, in your case…) instead of stopping and actually thinking. You do prove, however, that liberals can be just as closed minded as conservatives, though, so congratulations on that one. Even if it wasnt a joke, though, you should have read the whole thing if you wished to make a statement about it. I know it’s easier to have a knee-jerk reaction, but when you do that without actually PAYING ATTENTION to what you’re bashing, sweet moments like these occur to make you look like a complete waste of mass. Anyway, good luck with having to be you. Have a nice day.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
verinon Says:
September 9th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
As soon as I heard the word socialism, I stopped reading. Newsflash, people: We’ve had socialist aspects t our country for decades! Ever heard of a library? Oh, that’s right. Nobody goes to those anymore.
Fuck this. I’m out.
You’re an idiot dude. Everything on Cracked is a huge fat joke. Even it RB is Republican or Democrat, it has nothing to do with this article. Lighten up man
September 9th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
wow, verinon, youre retarded ” i stopped reading a comedy article written for entertainment value cause i’m a little bitch” you did notice that this had nothing actually to do with anything right?
September 9th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Didn’t she try to throw herself at Bucholz yesterday?
September 9th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
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September 9th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Brockway, I love you. You are so hilarious it’s retarded. Supernatural, even.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
As soon as I heard the word socialism, I stopped reading. Newsflash, people: We’ve had socialist aspects t our country for decades! Ever heard of a library? Oh, that’s right. Nobody goes to those anymore.
Fuck this. I’m out.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Goddammit Broackway:
Q: Anything A: BATMAN
Get your shit together!
September 9th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I love this article. Really and truly, I do.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
fukin hilarious thats all i got to say just fukin hilarious
September 9th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Hey, it’s about time you guys got with the program and updated your comment system! ;D
September 9th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I happen to know for a fact that Leah Wills has a massive cock.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Robert Brockway, I want to have dirty kinky sex with you. And yes, I am a woman.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
since when are we using magic the gathering images?
September 9th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
It was magic.
September 9th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
“Q: Anything A: Lightning” Somebody has to put that on a shirt. This was another hilarious article brockway, keep it up.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
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September 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Having lived in a capitalist country with socialized health care, I can say for sure that private health care is just wrong. There isn’t anything called death panels or whatever fearmongering bullshit spewed by neo-con shitheads, the government just pays your medical bills with taxpayer money. Think about why the government forces you to insure your car, and you’ll figure it out.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
dick dick cunt nigger black jews lol
September 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Damn Brockway, I haven’t laughed this hard in bloody years.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Lightning- the answers to all our problems.
Ask God.
XD
September 9th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I agree that this is not funny.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
sehr gut mein herr
September 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Nice lightning axe. Hope you discarded a card so it wasn’t hella expensive to cast.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I love how all the dick-swinging monkeys constantly call every article “the best article ever.”
Sure does make me laugh.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
That was not funny.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
The last time someone thought this “lightning is the answer to everything” jaunt, we came up with the defibrillator.
Answer: Brockway should be the new head of medicine for the world.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
BEST. ARTICLE. EVER.
I had to cover my mouth to stifle my at-work-LOL-ing several times.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Thank you. I don’t usually post comment just to say thanks. But this article really cracked me up.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I’m from Canada and funnily enough our socialized healthcare system is largely based on lightning.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Brockman, Brockwan, Brockway? …Whatever your damn name is…
You are a dick. You’re funnier than hell, but you are a dick.
“I’m not being charming, bitch, I’m having a stroke!”
Hillarious!
Dick.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:17 am
This article is made out of gold-plated, chocolate frosted dongtacular Win.
(please god let no one else combine those adjectives in such a way again)
Well played Mr. Brockway. Well played.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Absolutely astonishing. I always love a good long piece that makes me constantly choke on laughter. And as gay as that sounds, I still stand by it.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Easily my new favorite article on cracked.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:16 am
@Bah
Fuck off with your shitty book you hipster-douche. Fucking hell.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:15 am
“Celexa: Ask your doctor if awesome lightning powers are right for you!”
“Fuck yes! Medical science is tits on toast!”
“When asked to explain this in simpler terms, he elaborated that I was “so retarded that it crossed the line into the supernatural.””
FUCKING HILARIOUS!!
September 9th, 2009 at 10:09 am
U of P? Really? Like the U of P has sole proprietorship of being an a-hole? Ok, point taken!
Seems to me either you except a government run system with all its flaws and problems or a private system with all it’s flaws and problems. I’d take a private system any day and every time. I’d have two words for some liberal government hack suck a-hole U of P grad “End of Life Counselor” who thinks they knows me better than I do, ….” Fuck you!”
September 9th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I find a makeshift brass flail tends to put you at the front of lines almost immediately. I call it the Expediter.-omfg could not stop laughing
September 9th, 2009 at 9:49 am
– Effective health care delivery –
* Basic treatments for all. Better coverage is paid by individual. We encourage folks to work hard and there is no more free lunch. The government can spend an agreed % of GNP on public health care.
* Prevention: voluntary and non-voluntary (via taxes) on smoking, fast food…
* Limit lawsuit award on malpractice.
* State-of-the-art treatments are less effective than prevention such as a low-dosage aspirin for all over 50 years of age.
* Stop illegals and foreigners from using our medical systems free.
Import foreign doctors and nurses is the worst we can do to a poor country.
Before we send soldiers abroad or explore space, should we solve our home problems such as health care first?
September 9th, 2009 at 9:45 am
@Bah: Show me any society that has used Rand as a model as successfully as you claim that it should be, and I’ll eat my leg.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:36 am
“I feel pressed to inform you gentlemen that I just quit Celexa and now I control lightning.”
Best. Sentence. Ever.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:20 am
That was dongtacular!
September 9th, 2009 at 9:18 am
That was groin grabbingly funny sir GROIN GRABBING!!!!!
and the MAGIC card was awesome.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:16 am
nice.
just never look down and we’ll all be okay.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:14 am
“You think I’d trust just anybody to put crap into my body? This shit is a temple. Ask your wife. She worships here every night.”
Solid gold, brother *high fives*
September 9th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Bah! If you read Atlas Shrugged you’d know there is a solution which is neither socialism (working for everyone but me) nor the military-industrial plutocracy we have now, the solution is a reasonable and humanistic capitalism where prices aren’t set artificially high, taxes are low, debt is discouraged, and government stays out of the system entirely.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
That was so funny!
Never stop writing!
September 9th, 2009 at 8:40 am
“so retarded that it crossed the line into the supernatural.”
this made me LOL at work…
September 9th, 2009 at 8:39 am
What about zombies THAT SHOOT LIGHTNING?!
September 9th, 2009 at 8:27 am
So Mr. Brockway:
You have experienced the delight of shooting lightning from your hands.
Don’t you just love the way you can use it to make the peasants dance for your amusement . . . I mean use it to show the masses the error of their ways and correct their wrong thinking?
Bwahahahhahhah . . .gak eeew!
Great article.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Dongtastic!
This brought a tear to my eye. So beautiful!
The answer to the question you never asked us: The solution to the health care problem is….zombies. If you are fighting for your very life during a zombie apocalypse, health care is the least of your worries.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Way to bring the awesomeness, robort.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Awesome stuff. In a word - rofltastic.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:17 am
hi-larious!!
btw - when’s ur book coming out? u should write a book!
September 9th, 2009 at 7:14 am
To many laughs to count, great work man.
WORD PUNCHER STRIKES AGAIN!!!
Keep up the good work.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Yeah, so, I’m going to buy your book so hard that the sheer force of my purchase will register on the Richter Scale.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Sir, I haven’t got to read it yet, but the fact that the preview picture is a Magic Card art has given me enough clues to prepare: I’m setting this article for later, in the privacy of my house, with a convenient glass of milk so I can expel it through my nose with laughter.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Dear Mr. Cockway,
The clear answer to the healthcare problem is to injure as many people as possible (such as by lightning). That way, hospitals will make boatloads of money treating trauma cases. Enough money to make treating illnesses and stuff that aren’t your injuries a “loss leader,” or something that they offer to get people into the store, but they make money off the other stuff (in this case, trauma.) Costs of everything goes down as volume goes up. Less costly healthcare, poor people can afford it. And it’s not like boatloads of money aren’t being made.
The economic term for this is the “broken window theory,” because the guy who fixes windows makes money when someone’s window is broken.
It’s also good that you recovered with your previous bout with socialism. Splitting hippies asunder with lightning is, in a word, awesome. Welcome back to society, Mr. Cockway, I officially don’t hate you anymore.
Though apparently not enough to stop calling you Cockway.
-
Mike
September 9th, 2009 at 6:16 am
My word raining lightning down upon the masses. Dude we need you to go to Washington and straighten out the goverment.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:08 am
That was brilliant! I’m still laughing - very well done!
September 9th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Awesome.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Dear Mister Brockway,
you and your fellow writers are the new wave of comedy. We - your esteemed readers and fans of this wonderful interwebs periodical called Cracked - are most humbled by this dawn of a new beginning in comedic writing. In other words: we are not worthy!
September 9th, 2009 at 5:52 am
“so retarded that it crossed the line into the supernatural.”
cannot. stop. laughing.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:47 am
I second sideshowjim:
Dear god sir, that was so good I’d like to send you some money.
I don’t actually HAVE any money, but y’know, the thought is there…
September 9th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Prety good points you bring up there dude!
RT
http://www.privacy-resources.tk
September 9th, 2009 at 5:39 am
Oh, you crazy Yanks.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:37 am
I find your article very vague, I know of many prominent doctors who cry when covered in spiders.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:36 am
[...] Healthcare Debate: With Violence Jump to comments Posted in: Featured So yet another new column has gone live at Cracked today, thus furthering my plans for complete internet domination. It’s mostly about assault, [...]
September 9th, 2009 at 5:33 am
8 out of 10 Boners.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Awesome! This article kicked the ass
September 9th, 2009 at 5:30 am
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September 9th, 2009 at 5:20 am
“When asked to explain this in simpler terms, he elaborated that I was ’so retarded that it crossed the line into the supernatural.’ ”
That was such a fucking great line! Well done on solving the nation’s healthcare crisis!
September 9th, 2009 at 5:17 am
If you believe that nobody should go without laughter due to health care reform, then repost this on your colon for the rest of your life.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Epic dongtaulosity.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:12 am
poor people in america should just kill themselves, problem solved
September 9th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Dear god sir, that was so good I’d like to send you some money.
I don’t actually HAVE any money, but y’know, the thought is there…
September 9th, 2009 at 4:42 am
No offense, as this is a very fun article, but I felt this had to be said:
Words words words words words words
September 9th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Genius!
September 9th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Haha, University of Phoenix!
September 9th, 2009 at 4:29 am
You are a God Brockway. Awesome, funny and very smart article
September 9th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Dongtacular.
For a moment I thought you had the answer.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:13 am
funny shit, keep the articles coming