Earlier this week, Ridelust posted this absurd article about how to deal with cops if you get pulled over. The article talks about your rights, the fifth amendment, what a cop is and is not allowed to do, and it has a handy little video and everything. It was pathetic.
My problem with Ridelust’s guide is that it’s so academic and by-the-book that it feels detached. Ridelust comes from a place of theory, I come from a place of experience. To date, I have been pulled over 9 times while driving, twice while walking, and once while sitting in a park.* So, while Ridelust’s guide might work on a Theoretical Level of how the world should be, my guide works on a Real Level of how the world is. Below is the true guide to dealing with cops as well as a neat little section dedicated to debunking several famous cop myths. Enjoy, my lawless readers!
Getting Pulled Over
When you see the familiar lights of a police car flashing in your rear view mirror, your immediate instinct is going to be speed up and try to lose him. Resist this urge. (Unless, of course, you’re pretty sure you can beat him.) Instead, pull over to the side of the road slowly. Traditionally, cops like to make you wait when they pull you over. According to a recent scientific study, it’s because they’re assholes. While they’re sitting in their car, making you wait, take the time to inspect the inside of your car. Is your seat belt on tight? Tighten it up! Is your radio on? Turn the volume down and switch it to a soothing, non-incriminating station. Do you have any provocative photographs of the police officer’s wife proudly displayed on your dashboard? Discreetly place them in your glove compartment, or down the front of your pants.
Once all of these “Trouble Spots” are taken care of, you’re ready to face the officer.
How to Talk to a Cop
Choose your words carefully. How you speak to a cop is extremely important. You don’t want to sound aggressive, or angry, because anything that a cop interprets as “hostile” can be grounds for any number of charges he can add on. Cops love trumping up charges. So, if you get pulled over for speeding and you speak too aggressively, suddenly the cop can give you a ticket for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest and public masturbation. (Note: Do not masturbate in front of a cop when he/she pulls you over. They hate that.)
Not that I’m saying you should be silent when pulled over. Remember, you are completely within your rights to demand an explanation as to why you were stopped. Just know that there’s a Right and Wrong way to do it.
Wrong: “You better have a good fucking reason for pulling me over, you shit eating bastard.” (Frowning, you extend your middle finger.)
Right: “Why did you pull me over, officer? Also, I’m curious, what kind of bastard are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” (You extend your middle finger and smile.)
Did you see what was good about the “Right” scenario? By asking the officer what kind of bastard he is, you show that you’re taking an active interest in his life, (he will appreciate this). Further, when you let him decide what kind of bastard he is, you avoid making any potentially inaccurate assumptions. Because you know what happens when you assume, right? You get your “ass” maced. Also, your eyes.
Additionally, notice how in the “Right” scenario, the driver smiles. Nothing brightens up someone’s day like a smile, even when garnished with a furious middle finger.
Here are some more examples of a few language traps you will undoubtedly run into when you get pulled over.
When Discussing Your Plans:
Wrong: “Can we move this along, Officer? I have to pick up your sister in time for the underage rape party.”
Right: “Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law; You sister and the underage rape party can wait.”
When Handing Over Your Information:
Wrong: “It doesn’t say it on my license, but my middle name is ‘Cop-fucker’ and, if I thought your mouth was big enough, I’d shove the ole’ wiener right in there without hesitation. WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!”
Right: “You have a very petite mouth that I’m sure some people find to be very attractive but sadly just doesn’t appeal to me. Westside.”
When Saying Goodbye:
Wrong: “Thanks for the ticket, asshole, your mother would be real proud if she wasn’t already dead and I wasn’t about to have sex with her corpse.”
Right: “Thank you for the ticket, Officer, I understand that you’re just doing your job. I’ll tell your mother’s corpse all about you while we fornicate later tonight, and again on your birthday.”
“Step Out of the Car”
If a cop asks you to step out of your car, it’s because he suspects that you have something illegal inside and, let’s face it, you do. Please be aware that you do not have to let any police officer search your car. When asked to step out of your car, you can politely say “I am not giving you consent to search my car,” as demonstrated in Ridelust’s video, or you can say “I ain’t steppin’ outta shit, all my paper’s legit,” as demonstrated in the Jay-Z hit “99 Problems.” (These are the only two choices.)
Your goal is to make sure he doesn’t, under any circumstances, search your car and discover whatever drugs/alcohol/small migrant family you’ve been smuggling. If he presses the issue and threatens you with jail time or openly wonders how “smart” you’ll be once the canines come, try to turn the tables. Ask to search his car. Point out that, if he didn’t have anything to hide, he wouldn’t mind if you looked around the car a little bit. Walk up to his car, open the doors and inspect in between the seats and complain about the smell. Discover marijuana, (or, failing that, plant some), and shake your head in disappointment. Read him his rights, throw him in the back of the police cruiser and, if you’re feeling frisky, maybe even call him the N-word, (unless he’s black). Take him to the nearest police station and attempt to book him. You will, of course, be unsuccessful, but everyone down at the station will have a big laugh about it, and he’ll be far too embarrassed to ever try to arrest you again. The boys at the precinct will never let him hear the end of this one.
Freeze!
A classic mistake that a lot of novices make is that they’ll try to distract a cop by waving frantically or setting off a few fireworks. The problem is that cops don’t understand bright lights, and the spectacle as well as the sound of fireworks makes them nervous, and confused. Also, they hate it when you wave. In either scenario, a cop will have no choice but to react aggressively which may result in serious damage to your car.
Never make a cop nervous.
Instead, when pulled over, remain absolutely still. No waving, no fireworks, don’t even say a word. Cops, as a rule, cannot see you if you don’t move. This in conjunction with their short attention spans means that, if you stay motionless, any cop will get bored and leave you alone after a few minutes. They may nudge and paw at you for a while, perhaps even inspect the contents of your automobile or picnic basket, (to check for narcotics or snacks, respectively), but they will eventually lose interest and scamper back into the woods.
“What’s That Smell?”
I don’t think I’m telling you something you don’t already know when I say that cops have an acute sense of smell. What you may not know is that if one cop catches the scent of another dominant cop on you, he will immediately stop hassling you. (Cops are extremely territorial.)
So, if you get pulled over, discreetly reach into your glove compartment, pull out the jar of Cop Urine that you have stored there, and completely douse yourself with it. This will inform your cop that you’ve been “marked,” and he will not want to challenge the marker for dominance, (cops live by a very strict code). This is just one of the many reasons that you should always keep at least one jar of cop urine in your car at all times.
Always in my trunk.
Famous Cop Myths Debunked!
There are a ton of myths and legends about cops that are simply not true. Hopefully, this guide will clear up some long-standing misconceptions.
Cops Have a “Ticket Quota” That Must Be Filled Each Month:
FALSE. A cop’s thirst for giving tickets is insatiable and therefore requires no outside motivation.
Cops Pull Over Red Cars More Often Than Cars of Any Other Color:
FALSE. All cops are inherently colorblind.
If A Cop Isn’t in Full Uniform, He Can’t Legally Arrest You:
FALSE. If a cop is trying to give you a ticket and you take his hat and put it where he can’t reach it, he is in fact more likely to arrest you. Ditto for pants.
You’re More Likely to Get a Ticket During the Winter:
FALSE. The winter is when cops hibernate.
If You Report a Cop For Being a Dick, He Will be Suspended:
FALSE. You can copy down an officer’s name and report him all you want, but it won’t do any good. If a cop treats you unfairly, the best plan of action is to take down that officer’s name, find out when he’s on duty, and then drive to his stupid house in Burbank while he’s working and have filthy, chimpanzee sex with his redheaded wife. This is called “Citizen Justice” or, sometimes, “Citizen Justice up the Butt.”
Cops Will Not Respect You If You Throw Garbage At Them:
FALSE. This is the only way to gain a cop’s respect and trust. (Please try this and tell me how it goes.)
Cops Are Allergic to Garlic:
FALSE. You’re thinking of vampires. Cops love garlic, and feeding it to them will only make them stronger.
If You Challenge a Cop to a Fight and Win, He Legally Can’t Give You a Ticket:
KIND OF FALSE. There is one cop in West Virginia who actually follows this rule, but there’s nothing legal about it and he rarely loses.
*True story. Two cops snuck up on me and claimed to be looking for someone who looked like me. I agreed that I did look like me, but I wasn’t who they were looking for. They apologized and told me to call the police if I saw anyone who looked like me, (but who wasn’t also me).
This entry was posted on Friday, October 31st, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Jay-, Jay-Z and I are friends, Police, citizen justice, cops. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 11:45 am
best!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
brilliant!!!!!
September 4th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I love that half way through writing this you came up with the ‘cops are bears’ concept and just kinda ran with it…
August 7th, 2009 at 4:15 am
wicked article
August 6th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
ummmm about the trash throwing to gain respect… Pepper spray is in fact not delicious like it sounds and tasers are jerks.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
i laughed out loud at a cop one time when i pulled over and he asked me if i had any explosives, grenades, etc. i asked him if he was kidding. he then proceeded to remind me how because of 9/11 we are all threats to ourselves, especially white girls driving around by themselves at night.
probably shouldn’t have laughed at him but i was getting the ticket anyhow. lol
May 15th, 2009 at 5:52 am
COL. LT. DOB please do more conversation like in between you and the cop in other articles. I laughed until i cried at the underage rape party one. Funniest line ive ever heard.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:26 am
This has been really informative, I had no idea cops could function at such a high level. If they could only figure out how to fling their own faeces at each other, they’d pretty much be on an intellectual par with a particularly stupid chimpanzee. Remarkable.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
HOLY SHIT!
My fucking stomach hurts…seriously…wtf did I just get into… I feel like I just fucking ate a fucking bomb and then did 3000 sit-ups while a cop was stepping on my forehead to hold me down!
SERIOUSLY! I HATE YOU DAN!!!!!!!!!
but I’m going to show this to everyone I know so they suffer as much as I! =P
January 15th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Oh, no! The cops have infiltrated the page! Nobody move!
January 11th, 2009 at 1:28 am
I’m a cop and I loved it =P
fucking hilarious
huge fan dan =D
January 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
DOB, I’m your biggest fan.. (unless you have fans that weigh over 140 pounds) I love your work..
Oh, but you forgot one thing:
The smaller, more timid cops can be ran off by beating pots and pans together..
January 6th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
My buddy in upstate NY is a cop and he verified that this list is pretty accurate, but he said that O’Brien left out the whole “cop mustache hierarchy/cop toughness factor,” which, simply put, states that the bigger the cop’s mustache, the stronger/more dominant the cop. Don’t mess with the Big Bear with a big mustache, but treat the ’stache-less cop like the wuss he is!
December 24th, 2008 at 2:48 am
Actually, my grandpa was a cop, and in fact he really was colorblind.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
OMFG.
I’m reading this at work and it took me an hour. I don’t read slow or anything, I just had to stop too often to hold my hand over my mouth and contain the laughter.
Everyone else here thinks I’m working. Shhhh. It’ll be our little secret.
B1N
December 10th, 2008 at 6:13 am
[...] For even greater insight into how to deal with such a situation visit Cracked.com [...]
December 9th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Had to be someone from the Westside that put this out.
what a waste.
(you people give LA a bad name everywhere.)
Find a brain.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“Because you know what happens when you assume, right? You get your “ass” maced. Also, your eyes.”
Dugg!
December 5th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Oh come on wtv grow yourself a sense of humour.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
wtv if you like cops….. then….. you like cops. Westside.
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:04 am
wtv go kill urself fucknuts this was hilarious
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Whatever. What do you have against cops? This isn’t even funny. What a waste of time.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:24 pm
so funny
November 8th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
try this:
“i always lie, even when i’m telling the truth”
it will get him stuck in a loop, and his brain will begin to throw sparks. worked for cpt. Kirk and the ships computer, so defintely should work for a cop.
November 8th, 2008 at 6:56 am
‘Two cops snuck up on me and claimed to be looking for someone who looked like me. I agreed that I did look like me, but I wasn’t who they were looking for’
Similar thing happened to me. They said ‘We thought you were someone else’ and I said ‘I am.’
November 7th, 2008 at 2:26 am
‘Two cops snuck up on me and claimed to be looking for someone who looked like me. I agreed that I did look like me, but I wasn’t who they were looking for’
Awesome
November 6th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
I’m glad I came back. Rhys David’s comment just made me laugh so hard I peed a little.
“Can I put my special CD in first? And right before the cavity search, can you choke me just a little?”
It makes me laugh every time I think about it.
I might just try it…
November 6th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Thats good stuff. Their is this site that is entertaining about cops
http://www.dumbazzcops.com
November 6th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Oh by the way, i was wondering, how should i approach a police man and tell him that a few deer stole my tom tom? I was lost in the woods for days after this incident. Luckily, nothing sexy happened between me and the deers cos i used my tae-bo skills on them. Uppercut, roundhouse, uppercut. I used those movements. Luckily, the deer could only use the headbutt movement. My tae-bo skills helped me that day. I know i won’t see those deer anytime soon so i wont be able to get my navigator back. I take the bus now. Thankfully, the bus driver knows where he is going, altho he sometimes doesn’t stop at the stops i request. I keep having nightmares about policemen laughing at my deer story. Its strange that one of the policemen had a petite mouth. I shout WESTSIIIIDE and then i wake up in a pool of sweat. Help!
November 6th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I smeared cop urine on me the other day, but unfortunately, it was deer urine that makes deers want to fornicate with one another. Needless to say, i was later stopped by a few deers posing as policemen. They stole my tom tom and kicked the roof of my car off. Outrageous!!
November 5th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
this was stupid. i mean i really dont like cops, but this was stupid and a waste of my time. and a huuuge waste of yours. work more on your jokes
November 4th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
David,
Before we proceed any further, if you’re asking based on this article, you should know that the photo of the bear cop sitting on the car holding a human arm was done by the amazingly talented Randall, one of our interns. The other photos here were mine, but Randall is clearly the more capable photoshopper.
If you still want to throw heaping piles of money at me in exchange for photo work, I can be reached at dan@cracked.com.
…Or if you’re asking because you want WRITTEN work, ignore everything I said. Especially everything about Randall.
Seriously, fuck that guy.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Dan, I’m editor of American Photo magazine. Do you do freelance work?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Whoa…I just posted ONE comment on Gladstone’s blog and then 5 minutes later tried to post one here and Wordpress told me I was “posting too quickly…slow down.” Really? Fucking really? What, to let the ‘tards catch up? Fuck you, Wordpress.
“Fuck…fuck…fuck…fuck da police.” (Pioneering gangsta rap sounds by N.W.A.)
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Knocked this one right on out of the park! Great stuff.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Oh shit how did I not see the Obvious man bear pig joke there. Jeez, Manbear “pig”. Shit….
November 3rd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
You know how just about when cops search your person (like your pockets and shit), they ask you if you have anything sharp in your pockets so that they don’t get stuck with anything? What if you were to say that you don’t have anything, and then let the cop go inside your pockets so he can get stuck with a sewing needle you had in your pocket and then tell the cop that needle was infected with hiv aids?
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I hate rap with a passion, but if the assholes ever did something good with their lives is to write songs about killing cops and shit. word.
Great article by the way
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Another surefire hit is to say “You’ll probably want to search me so I have my own gloves cause I’m allergic to latex. Also, can I put my special CD in first? And right before the cavity search, can you choke me just a little?”
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:54 am
Here is a little something about cops most people don’t realize.
If you have a little bit of weed and you get pulled over, and they arrest you, that means the cop has to fill out all sorts of paper work which is a royal pain in the ass. In fact, the only reason why (unless they’re real dicks) they do is because they get in huge trouble if they don’t because its their job.
Cops generally HATE paperwork.
Also, they likely get paid no matter what. It makes very little difference to them if you get the ticket or not, etc. But then again I could be wrong.
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:12 am
firemans blood = mag +15
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:49 am
This was totally great.
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:33 am
Awesome article firstly. Extremely well done. My family has had countless run-ins with the Boys in Blue, for all sorts of reasons. For example, walking down the road, (The nerve of us!). Every time they were the biggest jack holes I’ve ever encountered. I’m glad to see some people still realize that Police are a load of blood-thirsty BS, whose sole existance revolves around terrorizing random citizens. Oh by the way… If you ever want to meet the REAL deal of dickwad cops, take a visit to Gilbert, AZ. A fair warning be given… You may get shot.
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I just assumed the fireman’s blood was a tasty, nutritious snack.
Although DOB never responded to any of my initial requests that he marry me, I’m gonna ask again. Westside.
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Dont’t trust the police. No justice, no peace.
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
It’ll enable you to master fire and the ability to fight it.
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
That was brilliant.
Curious as to what the fireman’s blood will do…
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:31 am
Don’t do it, ibh. I already told you guys. I got frisked.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
Also…I plan to use DOB’s sage advise as I’m now middle aged and no longer as young, adorable or blond as I used to be.
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
Jum, that’s absolutely true. Cops leave all the crime fighting to the crime fightng duo “Machete & Mace”.
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Jum is right. It’s a superhero’s job to fight crime. It’s a cop’s job to look on in disbelief.
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
That was one of your best articles, Dan. Genius.
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:17 am
There are those who believe that the function of police is to fight crime and thats not true; the function of police is social control and protection of property
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:03 am
I hope you die.
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:34 am
That was really good DOB.
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
p.s. San is a douche
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:09 am
las vegas- shut up you tool, its a joke…
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 am
You’re an idiot.
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:38 am
IT BURNS WHERE I PEE! IT BURRRRRRRRRRNS!
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:07 am
Learn how to spell and use grammar if you are going to be an idiot. I would love to see all you bastards without cops. You all are pussies and you know it.
November 2nd, 2008 at 1:00 am
Last time I got stopped, I was coming over the overpass and the cop got me, he asked me if i knew how fast I was going to which I replied, “pretty fast?” He laughed and said no I wasnt going that fast so I had to tell him the truth, “thats cause I slowed down when I saw you :)” He laughed and gave me a warning
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:04 am
fuck the police goddamned shiteating faggot chink nigger cockloving retards
November 1st, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Don’t forget to solicit the cop’s opinion.
Ask him what he thinks about the state police hiding in the bushes and shooting across an open field at a bicycle activist?
After all, if the court can’t make a charge against a bicycle and hear it out man-to-man in a court of law, what kind of respect can a citizen have for a police summons?
November 1st, 2008 at 8:28 pm
another funnier than shit article by the DOB.
November 1st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Those look like manbearpigs to me…
November 1st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Dammit Dan you got me frisked today!
I was at my college taking a Flash Animation class, and we went on break, and there was some kind of test going on to become a cop or something like that, so there were tons of real cops around. As I was going back from my car to my class, I walked through all the cruisers and the cops must have thought I was doing something bad, so they stopped me. Here’s the conversation:
Cop-What are you doing here?
Me-I’m just walking to class…
Cop-Why are you going near our cars?
Me-Dude, I’m just going down the hill to the door.
Cop-Do you have a student ID?
Me-No they didn’t give me one. It’s just continuing education. It’s not a real class.
Cop-(pause, staring me down) Alright, go.
Then as I walked away, I threw up my hand sign and said “Westsiide!”
AND THEY FUCKING FRISKED ME. THANKS DOB.
November 1st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
this was helllllarious.
November 1st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I know that cop from West Virginia. He’s my uncle/brother.
November 1st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
awesome !!
November 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
ahah wow the lil hidden true story is halarious
November 1st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
LMAO , “pull out the jar of Cop Urine that you have stored there, and completely douse yourself with it”
WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
November 1st, 2008 at 11:58 am
this is lame
November 1st, 2008 at 11:34 am
[...] How to talk to cops. (satire) [...]
November 1st, 2008 at 10:28 am
I prefer to use the method described in the instruction manual by Hunter S. Thompson, “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:08 am
Thanks for the tips.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:07 am
Okay I am a Truck Driver and since I started driving a truck 7 years ago I have been pulled over about 30 times for speeding and only have 1 ticket on my record…here are a few examples of how I got out of them…..sadly I really pulled this shit and it really worked:
Example 1:
Officer Approaches Semi and says: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Me: “Yes Sir, I was speeding like a mother f***er, I passed that car illegally and I ran that red light.”
Officer laughs hardily and says: “All I saw was speeding, slow it down” then gets in his car and leaves, while still laughing
Example 2:
Officer Approaches Semi with gun drawn (note: don’t run 90 in a 35 construction zone or this will happen) and says: “Put your hands where I can see them and slowly get out of the truck”
Me: “Sure officer, do you mind opening the door as I can’t do it and have both hand visible”
Officer: “Put one hand down and open the door”
Me: “Yes Sir” and I open the door
Officer: “You have any weapons”
Me: “Yes Sir”
Officer: “What and Where?”
Me: “I have a knife on my waist, another by my seat, a sledge hammer by the seat and a big ass club in my pants”
Officer laughs and says:”Are you flirting with me”
Me: “If it will get me out of this ticket, then Yes Sir I Am, otherwise No Sir I Am Not”
Officer laughs again and says:”You where doing 90 in a 35 construction zone, what is your hurry”
Me:”Your wife called and said if I saw you to tell you she was leaving and was taking your boat with her”
Officer: “How the fuck do you know my wife”
Me: “She was working the parking lot at the truck stop last night trying to get up enough money to leave you, I gave her a $50 and she gave me……..umm………….her phone number”
Officer: “Your under arrest, turn around and put your hands behind your head”
Me: “You can’t arrest me”
Officer: “Why is that?”
Me:” Because it is April 1st, and you just got FOOLED!”
Officer: “You son of a bitch, that was funny, but your still a son of a bitch….get out of here”
Those are just two that I have used successfully….there are many more!
November 1st, 2008 at 9:07 am
I laughed a lot at your funny article. Well done for writing it.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:52 am
Reading this page was a mistake, I’m sorry you got half a cent from ad money because of my visit.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:22 am
This is freakin hilarious! Diggin it..
November 1st, 2008 at 8:18 am
Cops don’t believe in Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or atleast the ones in my area. I was driving home from a satellite campus of DeVry (which was 40 minutes from home) and my IBS kicked in roughly 2 minutes after getting on the highway. I was driving 90mph all the way home on the highway, no cops in sight. I get off the highway and am roughly 1/5 a mile away from home, going 50+mph in a 35mph zone and a cop hiding in a construction site (this is after 10pm btw) decides that I need to be pulled over. I contemplated just driving home, but remembered that cops don’t like to travel to bitch you out or you’ll get the beatdown like in COPS. I inform the officer that I suffer from IBS, my home is two streets away and that I have to go NOW. He laughed at me as if he had heard this a hundred times. I told him I was serious so he says “Ok, I’ll make this fast” and walks back to his car. I instantly decided I would attempt to shit my pants to get out of a ticket. I started to initiate the expulsion of liquid hate that was stored in my bowels, but I couldn’t shit! My one way out of this and the reason I was driving fast had failed me! I’m surprised the look of pain on my face, and the faint smell of ass didn’t solidify the fact that I was going to die any moment.
November 1st, 2008 at 7:04 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-really-talk-cops/ [...]
November 1st, 2008 at 6:45 am
[...] How to talk to cops when you get pulled over [...]
November 1st, 2008 at 6:21 am
If you are going to switch to a classical station to be less-incriminating, just make sure the cop doesn’t approach your car to find you very slowly inching the window down and grinning at him/her.
“I’ve been expecting you…..officer.”
Best not to refer to the officer as Clarice either, even if it is a woman.
November 1st, 2008 at 3:36 am
Pete owns a “going” that will get the cop killed. No wonder he was getting a ticket!
November 1st, 2008 at 2:46 am
Hilarious! Good shit mr. o’brien.
First time i got a ticket was on the freeway and i accidently pulled over to the left. Sware to god, the cop screamed out of his microphone:
“What are you doing!? Your going to get me killed!”
November 1st, 2008 at 2:15 am
turn the volume down and switch it to a soothing, non-incriminating station .. hahaha switch it to a classical station
October 31st, 2008 at 11:35 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
October 31st, 2008 at 11:25 pm
hey DOB what’s with the fireman blood? is it because of the same territorial purposes? like say you have an enemy so you pour fireman blood on his car and other things belonging to him e.g. him, his house, etc. then you light whatever you poured the blood on, on fire then when a fireman comes to put it out they smell that a fireman ha claimed it and they leave it to burn?
October 31st, 2008 at 9:11 pm
You BASTARD, DOB! I trusted you and you LIED! Cops do NOT enjoy having garbage thrown at them! DO YOUR DAMN RESEARCH NEXT TIME!!
The rest of it was absolutely hilarious. Nicely done.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Yeah… That little part about WVa in the end? It’s 100% true. Seriously.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Chrysler quit offering the garden shed in ‘95; but good try. I always get out of tickets by offering up the sexual services of whatever female happens to be riding with me. Mom’s STILL not talking to me; I’m beginning to despair of Thanksgiving.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Oh, man. There was definitley tears over that article. Absofuckinglute gold! Luckily I bottled the tears to use against any times I encounter evil clones of myself…y’know, again.
Yet again DOB, you prove yourself utterly deserving of my manlove.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Hilarious as always DOB, it’s why I keep on readin’ every week.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I hate having cops tell me that I smell like alcohol. I always ask “What kind? Beer, wine, Everclear???” and I always respond with “You are so full of shit, my cigarette would clearly cover up any smell that could come off me.”
My court date is in January, wish me luck.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I subscribe to Science Right Now. The centerfolds are awesome.
October 31st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
@Jujube- I drive a 1997 Chrysler Garden Shed.
October 31st, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Windmil, that’s already been covered. I’ll recap the conversation: “What’s the penny for?” “Luck.”
Thanks for playing.
I’m more curious as to why DOB’s trunk looks suspiciously like a table, and the back of it has paint chips, nail marks, and a pipe.
October 31st, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I understand the vampire tears, and fireman blood, and now even the cop urine. I cannot however understand what you could possible use a penny for or why you would carry it around in your trunk
October 31st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
“Wrong: “Thanks for the ticket, asshole, your mother would be real proud if she wasn’t already dead and I wasn’t about to have sex with her corpse.””
HAHAHA! Oh DOB, how I love thee. Let me count the ways,
(Note: There’s only one reason, and it’s because you’re super fucking hilarious)
October 31st, 2008 at 4:54 pm
IrritableBowelSyndrome, I’ve actually done something similar to what you did. Since I live in Mexico most cops dont speak to much english, so if I talk to them real fast they often get confused and leave. On the downside they sometimes try to take advantage because they think I’m a tourist.
Best solution yet is David Gee’s donut trick, I bet it works every time. The dildo one seems effective, although I’d feel bad beating up a woman… just for a little while.
October 31st, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Great advice … thanx! And I love the link to “Science Right Now”.
October 31st, 2008 at 4:26 pm
trust me no female cop wants that showing up as evidence in the court room
that had me laughing as hard as the article…good one
October 31st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I can’t wait to get pulled over and try all of these. Thanks Cracked.com, I can always count on you to solve lifes dilemmas
October 31st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Hahahaha this was a great article. You definitely have the best blog.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
@Kingmonkey-
Luck. Duh.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
i liked this article
October 31st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
i liked the park story. i hate it when people think i look like me. so condescending
October 31st, 2008 at 3:20 pm
greengoddess,
Thank you for writing the funniest thing I’ve seen on this site in months. Yes, you heard me Cracked staff. Months.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:15 pm
This was a hilarious article
Oh and greengoddess…that may have been even funnier than the article.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I meant to ask (aks, in the street vernacular), Dan, you have a photo of the things in your trunk– what’s the penny for?
October 31st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
The polite “Westside” was easily the best part of this insanely hilarious article.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
wow how did you know about the cops in wv. we keep that a secret
October 31st, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Westside? What happened to Jersey pride?
I find this article particularly funny considering your older brother’s alternate career choice was a police officer.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:49 pm
somebody make this a video
October 31st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I just tell the truth. It’s the easiest and it usually floors them. The last time I was stopped for driving 25 over the limit in a construction zone at night. When the cop asked me why I was speeding I said, “It’s late, I didn’t see you, and I thought I could do it.”
This beefy Southern Bubba cop just stared at me (Mr. Greengoddess was in the passenger seat with his mouth open). I think the cop was trying to figure out if he’d heard me right. Then he told me he better not catch me doing it again and went back to his car.
I make no guarantees. This method will quite possibly get you arrested and/or severely beaten, depending upon the particular details of your traffic stop. You may have to withold some information just based on good common sense. For example, I didn’t tell the cop I was high.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
How many varietals of bastards are there?
October 31st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I started realising yesturday that Daniel O’Brien was writing all of the posts that I thought were the funniest. After reading this one thats still true. I always wondered why the firework distractioins never worked.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Thankee.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
lala it is 3 simple words “BIG BLACK DILDO” if the fun doesnt start at the mere sight of it, just smack them in the face with it and drive off, trust me no female cop wants that showing up as evidence in the court room
October 31st, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Lesbian orgy?
Sorry wait, what was LaLa’s problem again?
October 31st, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Ha. What about female cops? My town has a bunch of them and they all act tougher than need be…Most of them are complete bitches. What is a girl to do? Please oh wise DoB…impart your wisdom upon your unworthy disciples.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I am a State Trooper in the south. The majority of the things in this post are completely true! Just remember, if you say something stupid or smart-assy, do not be surprised if you get a facefull of sarcasm and taser.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
<3 DOB
October 31st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
lol DoB
October 31st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
one thing you forgot to mention in this article is how to hande different minorities of cops. I keep in my glove box or trunk at all times a nip of jamesons(irish cops), an unbreakable comb and some industrial hair gel ( Italian cops), a bass guitar and grape soda(you figure that out), a blow up doll and vigara(personal pleasure but also for the loser cop), an sombrero, a poncho and a donkey (hsipanic cops), a big black dildo(again personal pleasure and female and gay{all} cops), and finally some rice and opium, never ran into an asian cop but better safe then sorry
October 31st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
@philbot
I’m retired US Navy, so it’s not if I’d fuck it, it’s how much would I have to drink before I’d fuck it.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I always look forward to reading your posts!
October 31st, 2008 at 11:56 am
I just roll a donut out into traffic and take off.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:48 am
@Maeghan- What? When have I ever shown disrespect for women? I love women. Take your shirt off.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:43 am
oh man, dob.
i think i love you.
AND your blatent disrespect for the law
[and women].
October 31st, 2008 at 11:30 am
@Berger- A friend of mine actually tried the “I’m speeding because I have an important emergency” technique, only they used “My stove is still on and I don’t want to burn my house down” and not “I have to poop super hard.” The cop DID follow my friend home and DID give him a ticket.
@kingmonkey- The strategy works fine with all of the cops you mentioned, but all bets are off in any cop anywhere is partnered with a dog or, failing that, a wise-cracking little boy with dog-tendencies (reckless peeing).
@Mike- Go fuck yourself.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:28 am
@Cherlindrea - WTF?
Vampires cry all the time and for no good reason. Because they’re big undead sissies in crushed velvet capes.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:27 am
here in the northeast, cops don’t hibernate for the winter. they just grow more hair.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:22 am
More importantly, would any of these techniques work against batman, because I have plans, and I WON’T BE FOILED AGAIN!
October 31st, 2008 at 11:14 am
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
You: OH GOD I’M HAVING A BABY..UHMNNNNNN HUNNNNNN!
Cop: !?!?!
October 31st, 2008 at 11:04 am
Screw you, DOB.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:02 am
Thanks for the entertaining article. I was expecting it to suck ass like some of the other articles lately, but this one was actually pretty funny.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:00 am
Dan, how does this strategy work against other breeds of cop? For example, will these tactics work against a loose cannon with nothing to lose, who doesn’t play by the rules, but always gets the job done? How about the mentor cop with three days to retirement? And what about the brooding dark cop who always works alone, but has been forced to work with a sassy younger female officer?
October 31st, 2008 at 10:56 am
For the record, the cop in west virginia will let you off if you win. If you lose not only do does he give you the ticket, but he’ll make you do…things… On the downside my room is littered with empty liqour bottles on the brightside, I can now suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Not sure what its good for (for me, begin a straigh guy), but hey its a neat party trick.
DOB That was a fantastic article, one of your best. I love the scientific study.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:36 am
I’ll go you one better, Berger. I ran a red light with a cop right behind me, and pulled that “gonna shit myself” story. Only it was actually true. Oh, and I was stationed in Germany at the time. His English was good enough for him to understand me, (plus, I did use the word “schiesse” (sp?), which helps). But he couldn’t speak English well enough to harrass me. He grew frustrated and let me drive the next three blocks to my home, where I promptly repainted my toilet.
Seriously. It was like a terrorist attack down there, with the darkness and the noise and the running and the screaming. It sounded like someone was just dumping a bucket of water into the toilet, only it was mostly stomach acid (and corn).
October 31st, 2008 at 10:33 am
“I’m sorry officer, I know I was speeding. I’ll tell you why. The truth is I have to go to the bathroom urgently and I can’t wait any longer. I’ve been driving for an hour almost shitting my pants. Please follow me home and let me go to the bathroom, then you can give me a ticket. Please, I really have to go!”
Do you by any chance subscribe to Cosmopolitan? They ran an article with almost that exact quote last month. And I’m pretty sure Cosmo isn’t based on your life story.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:14 am
There is a very effective method in my experience to get rid of cops (I’ve only tried it once because you need melon sized balls to try it).
When a cop pulls you over for speeding you can say the following:
“I’m sorry officer, I know I was speeding. I’ll tell you why. The truth is I have to go to the bathroom urgently and I can’t wait any longer. I’ve been driving for an hour almost shitting my pants. Please follow me home and let me go to the bathroom, then you can give me a ticket. Please, I really have to go!”
When I tried it the officer said “that’s okay. Gome, but try not drive too fast”. For a moment I thought he was even going to escort me home so I could get there faster. I’m not sure if this works most of the time, the only reason I went through with it is because I had the afternoon off, so I had nothing to do.
You could try it out and let us know how it went for you, but remember, you have to look like you’re actually shitting your pants.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am
don’t forget, your chances of outrunning a cop are always 10X if they have their dumb, naive almost married son with them.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:08 am
[...] Hilarious satire from Cracked: How to REALLY talk to cops. [...]
October 31st, 2008 at 9:57 am
DOB, you do realize you probably just now gave the government the idea to make bear/police hybrids? If and when these horrors are released, plunging us in a bear/police state, I blame you. Well, you and the people who made them BUT MOSTLY YOU!
October 31st, 2008 at 9:49 am
I think I met that cop in West Virginia.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:46 am
we are all now dumber cause we read this
October 31st, 2008 at 9:44 am
dude that was an awesum article, i cant remember a time when i wasnt laughing whilst reading it, DOB you r truly an artist
October 31st, 2008 at 9:42 am
You can’t make me laugh this hard at work!
Someone might hear and give me files.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:41 am
You’re crazy for this one DOB!
It’s your boy!
October 31st, 2008 at 9:34 am
DOB, I have been anticipating this article from you from the first time I read your blog. I’m so glad I know your tactics, now. But what do you do when the cops siege your home and arrest you for stalking Hannah Montana? We need to hear of your philosophy on internet crime.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:30 am
All this from a man who accidently picked up a hooker, and had no idea she was a hooker? I don’t know if I trust your perception of law’s and law enforcement DOB.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:23 am
Dude, this is reeeeeeally corny. Disappointing.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:13 am
@icansummonbears: You dig vampire moms huh, dig ‘em right out of the grave (fact: vampire moms might be sexy mom dust by now, bring a LOT of lube)
October 31st, 2008 at 9:08 am
Yay! I love your articles.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:58 am
I make vampires cry by boning their moms and making them watch.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:55 am
dude i live in burbank. the cops here realllly are the biggest assholes ever because there’s no crime so they just give tickets to everyone for pot or j-walking. fucking ridiculous
October 31st, 2008 at 8:51 am
I’m wondering how one goes about getting vampires to cry in order to store their tears in a mason jar.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:41 am
I stopped at the scientific study about cops. I got too busy crapping my pants to read the rest of the article later.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:12 am
This will immediately be forwarded to my father (a New York State Trooper) for verification. I believe, however, that you are on the money with this one, DOB.
You rule at money shots. Wait for it………..BA DUM-TING!
October 31st, 2008 at 7:56 am
Wait so if cops hibernate during the winer, then are BEAR ATTACKS more likely to happen in winter?
People and their myths always mixing me up, thanks for getting me on track BOD.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:38 am
awesome