"WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops

Earlier this week, Ridelust posted this absurd article about how to deal with cops if you get pulled over. The article talks about your rights, the fifth amendment, what a cop is and is not allowed to do, and it has a handy little video and everything. It was pathetic.

My problem with Ridelust's guide is that it's so academic and by-the-book that it feels detached. Ridelust comes from a place of theory, I come from a place of experience. To date, I have been pulled over 9 times while driving, twice while walking, and once while sitting in a park.* So, while Ridelust's guide might work on a Theoretical Level of how the world should be, my guide works on a Real Level of how the world is. Below is the true guide to dealing with cops as well as a neat little section dedicated to debunking several famous cop myths. Enjoy, my lawless readers!

When you see the familiar lights of a police car flashing in your rear view mirror, your immediate instinct is going to be speed up and try to lose him. Resist this urge. (Unless, of course, you're pretty sure you can beat him.) Instead, pull over to the side of the road slowly. Traditionally, cops like to make you wait when they pull you over. According to a recent scientific study, it's because they're assholes. While they're sitting in their car, making you wait, take the time to inspect the inside of your car. Is your seat belt on tight? Tighten it up! Is your radio on? Turn the volume down and switch it to a soothing, non-incriminating station. Do you have any provocative photographs of the police officer's wife proudly displayed on your dashboard? Discreetly place them in your glove compartment, or down the front of your pants.

Once all of these "Trouble Spots" are taken care of, you're ready to face the officer.

How to Talk to a Cop

Choose your words carefully. How you speak to a cop is extremely important. You don't want to sound aggressive, or angry, because anything that a cop interprets as "hostile" can be grounds for any number of charges he can add on. Cops love trumping up charges. So, if you get pulled over for speeding and you speak too aggressively, suddenly the cop can give you a ticket for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest and public masturbation. (Note: Do not masturbate in front of a cop when he/she pulls you over. They hate that.)

Not that I'm saying you should be silent when pulled over. Remember, you are completely within your rights to demand an explanation as to why you were stopped. Just know that there's a Right and Wrong way to do it.

Wrong: "You better have a good fucking reason for pulling me over, you shit eating bastard." (Frowning, you extend your middle finger.)

Right: "Why did you pull me over, officer? Also, I'm curious, what kind of bastard are you, if you don't mind my asking?" (You extend your middle finger and smile.)

Did you see what was good about the "Right" scenario? By asking the officer what kind of bastard he is, you show that you're taking an active interest in his life, (he will appreciate this). Further, when you let him decide what kind of bastard he is, you avoid making any potentially inaccurate assumptions. Because you know what happens when you assume, right? You get your "ass" maced. Also, your eyes.

Additionally, notice how in the "Right" scenario, the driver smiles. Nothing brightens up someone's day like a smile, even when garnished with a furious middle finger.

Here are some more examples of a few language traps you will undoubtedly run into when you get pulled over.

When Discussing Your Plans:

Right: "Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law; You sister and the underage rape party can wait."

When Handing Over Your Information:

Right: "You have a very petite mouth that I'm sure some people find to be very attractive but sadly just doesn't appeal to me. Westside."

When Saying Goodbye:

Right: "Thank you for the ticket, Officer, I understand that you're just doing your job. I'll tell your mother's corpse all about you while we fornicate later tonight, and again on your birthday."

"Step Out of the Car"

If a cop asks you to step out of your car, it's because he suspects that you have something illegal inside and, let's face it, you do. Please be aware that you do not have to let any police officer search your car. When asked to step out of your car, you can politely say "I am not giving you consent to search my car," as demonstrated in Ridelust's video, or you can say "I ain't steppin' outta shit, all my paper's legit," as demonstrated in the Jay-Z hit "99 Problems." (These are the only two choices.)

Your goal is to make sure he doesn't, under any circumstances, search your car and discover whatever drugs/alcohol/small migrant family you've been smuggling. If he presses the issue and threatens you with jail time or openly wonders how "smart" you'll be once the canines come, try to turn the tables. Ask to search his car. Point out that, if he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't mind if you looked around the car a little bit. Walk up to his car, open the doors and inspect in between the seats and complain about the smell. Discover marijuana, (or, failing that, plant some), and shake your head in disappointment. Read him his rights, throw him in the back of the police cruiser and, if you're feeling frisky, maybe even call him the N-word, (unless he's black). Take him to the nearest police station and attempt to book him. You will, of course, be unsuccessful, but everyone down at the station will have a big laugh about it, and he'll be far too embarrassed to ever try to arrest you again. The boys at the precinct will never let him hear the end of this one.

Freeze!

A classic mistake that a lot of novices make is that they'll try to distract a cop by waving frantically or setting off a few fireworks. The problem is that cops don't understand bright lights, and the spectacle as well as the sound of fireworks makes them nervous, and confused. Also, they hate it when you wave. In either scenario, a cop will have no choice but to react aggressively which may result in serious damage to your car.

Never make a cop nervous.

Instead, when pulled over, remain absolutely still. No waving, no fireworks, don't even say a word. Cops, as a rule, cannot see you if you don't move. This in conjunction with their short attention spans means that, if you stay motionless, any cop will get bored and leave you alone after a few minutes. They may nudge and paw at you for a while, perhaps even inspect the contents of your automobile or picnic basket, (to check for narcotics or snacks, respectively), but they will eventually lose interest and scamper back into the woods.

I don't think I'm telling you something you don't already know when I say that cops have an acute sense of smell. What you may not know is that if one cop catches the scent of another dominant cop on you, he will immediately stop hassling you. (Cops are extremely territorial.)

So, if you get pulled over, discreetly reach into your glove compartment, pull out the jar of Cop Urine that you have stored there, and completely douse yourself with it. This will inform your cop that you've been "marked," and he will not want to challenge the marker for dominance, (cops live by a very strict code). This is just one of the many reasons that you should always keep at least one jar of cop urine in your car at all times.

Always in my trunk.

Cops Pull Over Red Cars More Often Than Cars of Any Other Color:FALSE. All cops are inherently colorblind.

If A Cop Isn't in Full Uniform, He Can't Legally Arrest You:FALSE. If a cop is trying to give you a ticket and you take his hat and put it where he can't reach it, he is in fact more likely to arrest you. Ditto for pants.

You're More Likely to Get a Ticket During the Winter:FALSE. The winter is when cops hibernate.

If You Report a Cop For Being a Dick, He Will be Suspended:FALSE. You can copy down an officer's name and report him all you want, but it won't do any good. If a cop treats you unfairly, the best plan of action is to take down that officer's name, find out when he's on duty, and then drive to his stupid house in Burbank while he's working and have filthy, chimpanzee sex with his redheaded wife. This is called "Citizen Justice" or, sometimes, "Citizen Justice up the Butt."

Cops Will Not Respect You If You Throw Garbage At Them:FALSE. This is the only way to gain a cop's respect and trust. (Please try this and tell me how it goes.)

Cops Are Allergic to Garlic:FALSE. You're thinking of vampires. Cops love garlic, and feeding it to them will only make them stronger.

If You Challenge a Cop to a Fight and Win, He Legally Can't Give You a Ticket:KIND OF FALSE. There is one cop in West Virginia who actually follows this rule, but there's nothing legal about it and he rarely loses.

*True story. Two cops snuck up on me and claimed to be looking for someone who looked like me. I agreed that I did look like me, but I wasn't who they were looking for. They apologized and told me to call the police if I saw anyone who looked like me, (but who wasn't also me).