In Canada yesterday, Oasis star Noel Gallagher was attacked by a fan who leapt up on stage and pushed him over. The show came to a halt for 15 minutes or so while the two brothers conferred backstage, and, I’m guessing, said “Fuck” a lot. The duo did eventually return to the stage to finish the set, much to their fans’ delight, as they were anxious to get a chance to finish Noel off. I’m kidding of course. These were Oasis fans after all, who statistically hate Oasis less than anyone else.
Here’s a clip of the incident.
For a critically acclaimed band, Oasis sure are loathed by a huge amount of people. This isn’t the first time that they’ve been attacked on stage. Something similar happened in 1994, when someone managed to actually punch Noel in the face, presumably before being swept away on the crowd’s shoulders and publicly acclaimed as the president of England.
So what went wrong this time? Instead of punching Noel, why did this attacker only manage a shove (albeit a pretty solid one.) I’ll tell you goddamned why. Laziness. We live in an age where physical activity is at an all time low. Amateur sports leagues are contracting, P.E. classes are being canceled to make room for toffee eating classes, and people (you, probably) are getting fatter. As a potential solution to this smelly, doughy problem, below I present an instruction manual for what I hope will become the hot new exercise trend/co-rec sport in the world. Like Tae-Bo, but less ridiculous and more socially redeeming.
How to punch Oasis in the face
The Basics:
1) Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart, about 2 feet away from Oasis. Turn yourself slightly so your dominant foot is further away from Oasis.
2) Roll the fingers of your dominant hand together into a ball. Clench your thumb on to the side of this ball.
3) Extend your dominant hand towards Oasis’ face, straightening the elbow as you do so. Push your shoulder forward on that side and keep the rest of your body weight behind it.
4) When your hand connects with Oasis’ face keep pushing! Your mental goal should be to reach a spot 3-4 inches directly behind Oasis’ face.
5) You’re done. Take this time to reflect upon your accomplishment, or go back to step 1 and try again.
Practical methods for punching Oasis in the face in the Natural and Built Environments:
Jump up on stage, run across it, punch Oasis in the face.
Purchase a delivery truck and paint it in a non-descript way (I like to write “Potatoes” on the side of mine.) Park it outside Oasis’ house until they leave for work, then jump out of your truck and punch them in the face.
Conceal yourself within an enormous birthday cake, wait until Oasis’ birthday. When Oasis is leaning over the cake to blow out the candles, punch Oasis in the face.
Hide within the ceiling space of a military installation where Oasis is standing guard. Wait for Oasis to walk by, remove a ceiling tile, hang upside down from some pipes and gently tap Oasis’ shoulder. Punch Oasis in the face.
Offer to teach Oasis martial arts, to help them stop people from punching them in the face. Teach them no martial arts, and use the training as a veiled excuse to repeatedly punch Oasis in the face.
Form your hand into a fist shape, and position it somewhere where you know Oasis will be moving their face soon at great speeds. This works great if Oasis is traveling in a convertible with a small windscreen, like a 1920’s roadster.
If Oasis is outdoors, in a large open area where they can carefully observe anyone approaching, consider leaping out of a plane directly above Oasis. By extending your fist at the right moment (the right moment is when it will hit Oasis’ face) you will be able to break your fall.
If Oasis is married, study the habits and appearance of their mate. At an opportune time (maybe when Oasis has fallen down bleeding, after having just been punched in the face?) seize their spouse, and replace them with yourself dressed in identical clothes. Two weeks later, when Oasis is sitting on his saddle-brown, full-grain leather Lancaster sofa, weeping into your shoulder about the sheer terror he feels at facing a world seemingly gone mad with the desire to punch him in the face, punch him in the face.
Gain access to the crawl spaces inside Oasis’ house and wait for Oasis to go out to purchase cigarettes. Remove a full length mirror and cut a hole in the wall behind it. Dress exactly like Oasis, stand in the hole behind the mirror frame, and wait for Oasis to return. When they return, mirror every action they make (practice having a terrible haircut and moping.) When they happen to examine their appearance in the mirror, punch Oasis in the face.
Set up a well respected psychiatric practice in Oasis’ neighborhood, and treat several of Oasis’ friends and family to increase the likelihood of them referring Oasis to your care. When Oasis comes to you, clad in despair and on the verge of suicide, offer to help them. During the first session explain to Oasis that to help them they must trust you. Look Oasis directly in the eyes, and make a fist with your dominant hand. Wait 3 seconds. Unclench your fist and hug them (they will be crying at this point). Oasis will now trust you absolutely. 4 months later, hit Oasis in the balls with a cricket bat.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 9th, 2008 at 6:00 am and is filed under Oasis, Violence. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 10th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I’ve prolly read 30 so of your rantings and I can’t even see strait anymore because I am laughing so hard.
October 4th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
JEEZ I’ve wanted to do that >how< many years? Thought I was the only one. I had a GF who played them to death and beyond in the 90s, I never said a word. I only kept wondering how the hell they got a record deal. One of the most annoying bands EVER! And whoever produced them needs to be taken out and hanged. Obviously never heard of a limiter. I can show you 20 garage bands tonight with more talent and better songs.
Thanks for the article.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I love this site, there is so much information to be found. Thank you.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Could this guide in fact be transferred over to punching any person in the face as well? Or perhaps smaller, cuter and thus funnier-when-punched-in-the-face baby animals?
July 15th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
We just read this Article and we will use it to punch you in the face.
June 28th, 2009 at 10:15 am
fucking love oasis but after their last album, i will indeed punch Oasis in the face!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:47 am
I admit that they’re complete dicks, but the music is really good. I can stand the guys, but I like what they do.
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:10 am
Thank you Cracked, I am now a qualified expert on punching Oasis in the face! I shall use my invaluable skills to better the world, and pass them on to the next generation so that they too can enjoy punching Oasis in the face
May 20th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Informative professional site, whatmore can i say!!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
that was freaking awesome, but wtf did oasis do to deserve so many punches in the face?
March 12th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Good advice.
February 1st, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I’d just like to thank you for this informative guide. It works! I jumped out of a cake at Noel’s birthday party and punched him right in the face. I’ve never done anything so satisfying in my life. Thank you, Cracked. Thank you.
January 1st, 2009 at 6:57 pm
[...] assholes usually sit pretty solidly on the US charts while bitching about not winning Grammys and getting attacked at concerts and the like. It could be, however that one such artist, the by-now-quite-infamous Kanye [...]
December 8th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Ok, I’m no fan, I just dl’d some of their shit cus I like their music but why are they so deserving of this shit?
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] hosts of awards shows has grown fashionable in this blog and forum age. Generally I have no problem being crassly populist, but this time I’m going to go a different way. Instead of making jokes about god damned Jeff [...]
September 16th, 2008 at 11:44 am
One Hundred Seventy Second!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I’m a Canadian Oasis fan and it’s absolutely despicable what that goof did in Toronto. Kudos for them finishing their set.
That being said, this article OWNS HARD. Freaking awesome.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:59 am
ha, both the brothers are such anuses. lol i’d nut him for a laugh
September 12th, 2008 at 9:10 am
kingmonkey, +1, 2.014, and now he’s kingmonkey 3?
Keep ‘em coming, Cracked. I eagerly await the KingMonkey > 9000.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Oh I actually love steve lukather, he’s a great player. I just don’t like toto that much. Winger also has some cool songs, as Reb Beach is a freakin awesome player.
And steve vai? Oh hell yes.
September 11th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
This is actually a very bad guide, how do i avoid oasisfans and the police after carrying out these punchings?
September 11th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Oasis makes Winger look like Black Sabbath. Im from the states, please don’t hold that against me, but I honestly thought these douchebags were dead. Seriously. I didn’t even know they were still sucking air. Thanks for the update.
September 11th, 2008 at 11:28 am
When I’m in the mood for metal, and I mean real heavy metal, I turn on my local radio station and wait for Def Leppard to come over the airwaves. Then I crank it so hard, you’d think I was some kind of boy soldier.
Def Leppard, yeah!
Hey, have you heard that one song of theirs… the one with no bass, you know, the one where they harmonize. Yeah, that one. I love that shit.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I really needed this. You see, I pass Oasis all the time in hallways, on the street, etc. Now, armed with the knowledge I gleaned from this blog entry, I will be able to successfully punch him in the face.
The funny thing about this Toto business is that Steve Lukather, Toto’s guitarist, doesn’t seem to care for their music too much either, judging from the way he talks about them in interviews. And to be fair, Toto never claimed to be making art…They’re session players who realized that you make more money when you’re the artist then you do playing for other people. I think the members of Toto know how they’re percieved…and when they’re cashing those quarterly royalty checks I’m sure they’re angst ridden about people calling them wankers on the internet. Something to ponder the next time “Rosanna” comes on the classic rock station.
I’ve seen George Lynch live three times, (Dokken in 87 and 88 and Lynch Mob in 90) and he was jaw dropping incredible each time. But the best performance I’ve ever seen by a guitarist was at a Whitesnake show. Slip of the Tongue tour. Playing lead for them at the time was Steve Vai. his solo lasted almost 20 minutes and it was amazing.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I liked the part where Oasis got punched in the face. I think it was Oasis anyway…. could have been someone else.
September 11th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I love hair metal (among other types of music) and you can go ahead and kiss my ass after you’re done making fun.
Jackyll was extremely entertaining at Rocklahoma last year. First time I ever heard a port a john called “port a shitter’.
OK, you may continue Oasis bashing…
September 11th, 2008 at 7:40 am
anyone who insults George Lynch (even by proxy) desivers to be bitched at. Especialy if they, in the same sentence say that toto was any form of metal.
September 11th, 2008 at 6:19 am
J-pappi, buddy, chill.
I’m sure he didn’t mean any disrespect by it.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Neil, The fucking difference is, one band has long hair and doesn’t play metal guitar and the other does both. Dokken and Toto? Really? Are you that fucking lost? Yeah, Dokken’s cheesy but they had one of the greatest metal guitarists ever in George Lynch. I mean EVER. The guy’s a fucking guitar GOD. What makes Poison and Whitesnake different from Toto and the reason they’re considered a different genre of music is because they play what’s known as the “Power chord.” It makes the music (for better or worse) sound very, VERY different and puts it into a different genre. You can argue it all sucks if you wish (and may well be right), but arguing it’s all the same does little but illustrate you’re a fucking ignorant douchebag, and you might ought to find something else to do. Please, feel free to hang yourself.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
hahaha “setup a well respected psychiatric….”
love it
September 10th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
The best part about the whole thing, because I was onstage when it happened, is that that jerkoff left the venue on a stretcher. He had the living shit beat out of him on the side of the stage. Funny as shit seeing him get knocked the fuck out!
September 10th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Lol. This was one of the funniest blogs entry’s I’ve read on this site. But you missed one more tactic for opperation Face-Punch-Oasis:
Get “New York T-shirt.” Cover self with baby powder and body glitter. Then appear to Oasis as the ghost of John Lennon. Praise Oasis. Tell Oasis that you always felt that your songs was weighed down with too much “creativity” and “meaning,” and that your soul can finally rest knowing that Oasis has finally balanced out your sound with self-centered lyrics and an undeserved sense of entitlement. When Oasis begin to start pleasuring itself at the sound of your words-which is inevitable-introduce them to your five fingers of karmic justice and cleat stomp them.
Also see if you can get ringo in on this, the guy just doesn’t have much going on these days, and I’m sure he’d appreciate the company.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Jay-Z should have Noel Gallager killed
he’s rich he’ll get away with it
September 10th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
[...] Here’s a great guide, from the folks down at Cracked, on how to properly punch Noel Gallagher in the [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@ MJ-89
From your last comment: “You’re not superior to everybody else…, you’re just a dick for assuming you’re special.”
I may have to get a T-shirt that says that. Or maybe I’ll just say it to Oasis right before I punch them in the face.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
If Dokken counts, Toto counts
September 10th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Toto is definitely hair metal - yes they’re horrible and sucky, but so is hair metal. Looking back on hair metal in general is wasn’t very metal. What’s metal about that poison video where they’re prancing around? What’s metal about whitesnake? They all count. Same genre. Same giant abortion of a genre. Listen to hold the line and tell me that doesn’t fit with the rest of what was going on at the time. That whole genre wasn’t very metal if you ask me.
And my new favorite part of this article is the little picture of a physical oasis. I didn’t even notice that the first time.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Funny stuff! However this manual does not apply to Torontonians. As the video proves they are too weak to throw punches. Nyuk! Nyuk!
September 10th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
hahaha thisi s genius!!
i will remember this for next time see oasis…
*takes notes of blog post*
September 10th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Mmmm, Serengeti and meatballs!
September 10th, 2008 at 10:55 am
No way are toto a metal band…
“I know what I must do is right,
sure as Kiliminjaro rises like Olympus, from the seringeti….”
That metal? nah…
I hate HATE toto, especially bacause I’m learning another one of their songs for me own band
September 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I friend of mine cut down trees as a side business and played that chainsaw song all the time. I hate that song.
For the record, Toto was the dog in “The Wizard of Oz” and he did not sing.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Jackyl’s from Georgia; don’t be dissin’ my homies. And Toto doesn’t even have a guitarist, how can they be a metal band? On their videos the “guitarist” stands around strumming but there’s no guitar sound. I can’t tell you how angry as a guitarist that sort of thing makes me.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Neil Says:
September 9th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Yo Kingmonkey … where does Toto rank on that scale of 80s hair metal you’ve developed. What about Jackyl?
Oh no, you did not just dis the musical genius, the epic grandeur, the unfathomable majesty of Jackyl. That shit with playing a chainsaw? What a virtuoso performance! No other musician alive or in history has veer been more imaginative or skilful in their adaptation of a lumber-related weapon.
Also, R_I… I do have a standing army (although they’re currently all sitting). They’re not that deadly or imposing, though. It turns out I’m not what you’d call a competent tactician. I spent more time practicing my victory dance instead of strategy that time we faced the forces of Mandrilvania. That… did not go well. Still– Monkeyvania forever!
Fucking mandrills.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:52 am
@R_I
It’s simple, you can punch the shit out of shit, or kick the shit out of shit, occasionally you can knock the living shit out of shit.
Only in rare circumstances can you ever, EVER beat the fucking crap out of fucking shit.
(I think somewhere a nun just burst into flames.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:25 am
[...] Îmi place Oasis, au melodii mişto, dar e dificil să rezişti tentaţiei de a-l lovi pe unul din fraţii Gallagher(de exemplu) în faţă. Părerea mea. Au păţit-o în dese rânduri, o vor mai păţi. Tutorial, aici. [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 6:33 am
BTW, I feel sort of sorry for Noel, so I I removed ‘Oasis’ and filled in the space with, successively, ‘Toby Keith’, ‘Silvio Berlusconi’ and ‘Nancy Grace’. And in each case I have to agree that it was funny.
September 10th, 2008 at 6:25 am
When the glittery T-Rex-meets-the-Stooges sludge of ‘Supersonic’ was released I thought a great band might have appeared. Unfortunately they’ve have only had a few other songs as good as that.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:51 am
before you begin, first make sure that no one is hurtling through the atmosphere with fist pointed downward, on a collision course with oasis’ face.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:35 am
First.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:01 am
Hahaha. I aint laughed like that in a while.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:24 am
While I certainly appreciate the sentiments behind this article (physical violence aimed toward vapid and wanky musicians) I am somewhat saddened that Oasis / the Gallagher brothers are still relevant enough to warrant having a comedy article written about them.
I’m torn between my enjoyment of the article and my disgust at society for ensuring these twats will probably continue to be considered relevant and talented for some years to come.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Actually, in England, we call our ‘President’ by a new name - Wanker!!
September 10th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Okay this is REALLY starting to bug me.
To all the uneducated fucks that keep commenting on the President thing:
Chris Bucholz is from Canada. In Canada they have a Prime Minister. (Hint: he’s aware they exist and are a separate entity from Presidents.) Canada itself is even part of the Commonwealth.
Not that this point is even relevant seeing as it’s no huge secret which countries have Presidents or Prime Ministers or Kings or Queens and anybody that believes otherwise is a grade A moron. You’re not superior to everybody else just because you know the UK doesn’t have a President, you’re just a dick for assuming you’re special.
If you think Chris honestly believes that the UK has a President, you’re retarded.
If you think most Americans believe that the UK has a President (which seems to be the running theme), you’re retarded.
So for the love of God stop trying to be so politically correct and just bag out Oasis with us!
/endrant.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:40 am
I think in England, they call their President their ‘Prime Minister’ - idiots!
September 10th, 2008 at 2:49 am
Chris, you’re fighting a loosing battle with this “trust me with your daughter” stuff.
You see, Gladstone and DOB have already labeled you as a scary ass Canadian motherfucker who rides motorcycles and makes them wet themselves in fear. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but they have a superpower that means once they’ve labeled you something that label is there for life. Just ask Swaim about the dog thing….
It’s not your fault that we’ve already been brainwashed, sorry man.
@ J-Pappi.
I laughed out loud at your last comment. “You dumb fuck” Haha. Don’t beat around the bush, ey?
September 10th, 2008 at 2:32 am
lol he shat himself, then when the security had him restrained he tried to act tough and kicked him in the balls or something
what a fuckin pussy
Oasis suck balls through a straw
September 10th, 2008 at 1:23 am
The subject matter of this article should be taught in schools
September 10th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Bills a secret member of Oasis with his coughing nail and bein a wanker in general.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:03 am
Chris Bucholz! You nearly tricked me there! You cannot be trusted with our daughters! you bawdy, monkey, you.
Oh, and Toto most certainly counts as Hair Metal. Hair Metal is a very regrettable time in metal and this nation’s history. I like to think that it never really happened. Those bands started to get attention and then Slayer showed up and brutally murdered each and every one of them and feasted on their entrails, but alas it is just a fantasy. And that fantasy is destroyed when I turn on my television and see Bret Michael’s very much alive (but dead inside) face because some one put on vh1 when that channel has been strictly banished from my understanding of reality.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:56 am
great article! write here more often
September 10th, 2008 at 12:18 am
You guys are all crazy. The best line was “Natural and Built Environments”
Also note that despite the tone of recent articles, I’m actually a very nice young man. I can be trusted with your daughters.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Bill, it’s a “coffin nail,” you dumb fuck; not a “coughing nail.” The fact that you don’t know the difference makes me hope there are some blokes from Manchester who can really represent who are embarrassed you got here first.
R_I, it’s difficult for me to be misogynistic when there are no women involved, unless you consider Oasis to be women rather than homos.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
I just have to say that I love Oasis. If for nothing more than watching an interview and having to rewind it forty-five times just to find out….well I still haven’t a clue wtf they are saying. Oh well punch ‘em all in the face.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Well done, sir! I’ve wanted to punch Oasis since at least 1995.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Oh, Wallsy, relax! Live! Love! Laugh at your fellow humans!
Or stop reading the comments. Either way.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
As to referring to Oasis as a single entity, that works because Oasis is a hive mind. Punch one and all the rest would feel your crippling blows!
September 9th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Once again, the comments section ruins everything, but that was a hilarious article.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
After a full in-depth analysis, and having weighing all the facts I have come to some new conclusions.
1) This was brought on by Oasis themselves. Their rowdiness is well publicized. A fan, and true admirer (albeit misguided) was engaging in some simple, faithful idol worship. He thought this was the behavior the band promoted, and appreciated. Reap what you sow as they say right?
2) Liam didn’t realize what was going on until well after his brother was laying face-down in some speakers. Noel was able to continue the show afterwards. Hence, both were drugged out of their gourds and wouldn’t have felt a thing anyway.
3) The Canadian who did this seemed to pause before shoving Noel. Everyone knows Canadians are nice and polite people, so therefore the guy who shoved him must have been doing some careful evaluation as whether the boys were medicated enough so as not to feel any pain.
Love this forum. Funny as hell.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
ROFLOLAWLMAO at the last one!!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
“You lot really are bunch of tits aren’t you.
The gallaghers could shit funnier things.”
No……No…..they couldn’t, Now Gallagher, well that’s a whole other kettle of fish.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Bill: You’re an idiot if you think most Americans think the United Kingdom (not England, which hasn’t been an independent kingdom for a while now) has a presidency. Bucholz knew what he was doing.
And I wonder how long a Manchester “bloke” would last in the ghettos of Detroit, New York City, the barrios of L.A., etc. I’m sure there are some very tough British/English/U.K.-ish/whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-it-ish people out there, but you can’t just claim someone is tough because they come from some place. That’s quite idiotic.
Want a cookie and/or beer?
September 9th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
I just kept laughing and laughing and laughing. Buchholz, your violent and rational humor is making me feel so alive. Maybe it’s just my new level of fitness after incorporating your Oasis punching workout into my busy day.
And the comments! They just keep getting better and funnier! I almost peed myself when I got to the Oasis fans shouting about them “telling it like it is.” And DOB, you know I love it when you assert your authority. Meow!
Is Gladstone on this program? Is that how he lost the weight?
@MetalBrainSurgery: that clip was awesome.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Man, Bucholz, do you know how to bring out the rabid fanboys! People, we’re just trying to have some fun here!
@ MJ-89: I feel like I’ve gotten to know you in a non-creepy non-stalker-ish sort of way through your comments and your rad (yes, I said “rad”) Photoshopping skills. I’d ask you to non-marry me but my better (way better) half might object. Keep commenting; your comments balance out the idiotic comments I have to scroll through.
@ P.S. Ross: “Could someone punch the creator of Thingswhitepeoplehate.cock?” I second that motion! And, can you teach me your “punching the shit out of shit” technique?
@ Glendoor: You’re too badass, it scares me. I’m glad you’re on Cracked’s side. I think you are. Maybe. Scary.
@ J-Pappi: You still haven’t made a misogynist comment on this yet–should I be proud or scared? Just kidding. You know I love you in a non-sexual way. Unless you’re Christian Bale.
@ MBS: Is someone daring to challenge your metal-ness? (Is that a word?!)
@ D.O’B.: I’m going to drug you and steal your abs. And Gladstone’s charisma.
@ Bucholz: Please invent a martial art based on your previous posts.
@ Kingmonkey: Do you have a loyal monkey army? Because that would be pretty wonderful.
@ Kat: Good.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
it’s actually laughable that probably most of the americans leaving replies to this think that England has a presidency and that they assume that Oasis are bunch of wimps, they’re British and from Manchester, which generally makes you harder than a coughing nail
September 9th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
As an industry pro, I feel this piece could be cited as a timeless paragon of technical writing!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Bucholz, not only are you Cracked’s resident badass, but you’re also the best guide-for-fighting-various-people-writer-person ON THIS PLANET. Not only am I prepared to fight off twenty children (or maybe thirty, if I’m feeling wild), but I feel I am ready to take them on even if they unleash their horrible, HORRIBLE secret of being Oasis in disguise (because you never know…). The eighth suggestion for prime examples to punch Oasis in the face was my favourite. Nicely done.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
hmm toto? were they even hair metal, or metal at all for that matter?
September 9th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Hey Larry (or F*** guy as we now call you), why not grow a pair and send me your home address to keiffermichaels@gmail.com.
And Doug, yes I have seen more than few interviews of Oasis. They keep it real during interviews? Oh, I’ll say they do. “Yaaaay maaaate, (sniff, sniff) I can keeeep it real afta 12 pints a Guiness n’som pills ana little weed ya know what I’m sayin!” - my best Oasis impression.
They guys give sex, rock and roll, drugs a bad name. My summation, in one word for this little on stage event?
Shadenfruden
September 9th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
This Oasis-bashing post has totally made my day. Ever since my wonderwall listening sister bought that fucking album all I have wanted to do whenever she played it is
a) Kill myself
b) Kill everyone else
c) Destroy Oasis
@SickBoy
I have to disagree with you there, Cracked has consistently had me on the verge of wetting myself while doing internal injury to stop from laughing/laugh-crying at work when I’m pretending to be productive.
Good article Chris.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
LoL I saw this earlier.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Neil, it was Filk, filk you buddy.
Oh, and I’m willing to bet Toto is somewhere between F.I.S.T and Firehouse.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I gotta be honest, Cracked hasn’t been especially funny these days, not as funny as it used to be. But this, sir, is redeeming. This was a very funny article. Good show!
September 9th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Yo Kingmonkey … where does Toto rank on that scale of 80s hair metal you’ve developed. What about Jackyl?
September 9th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Hey Larry, what are you trying to tell me? I have no idea. I’ve never seen a word that contain asterisks before. Just what are you trying to say? What’s the origin of the word? This is truly astounding, I did not know that there were words in the english language that contained asterisks. Why if I had known this I would fucking use them all the time! Asterisks look so cool!
September 9th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
This is one of those articles that I read and when I try to think of my “favourite line” I simply can’t because there were too many. So many in fact that almost your entire blog is made up of them.
Nice work.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
The best part of this article is that you could potentially use it as a guide to punching anyone in the face. Why stop at Oasis? Lots of people deserve a little cranial abuse.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
You lot really are bunch of tits aren’t you.
The gallaghers could shit funnier things.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I’m in the position of actually having had a fight with Liam: 12 years ago when I was working in Portugal. Some crap he’d started with my friends (who were his from back home, hence his presence) about football.
The fight never really went anywhere, but he’s a lot harder than you might like to believe.
Also, the guy who got up on stage and did that is a stupid cunt; it doesn’t matter what you think about the band.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Also, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Jizzboy enjoys poop.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I have giggled myself retarded. Bravo, sir!
September 9th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
hahaha AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY NEED TO BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY!!!
haha thats great.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
About the Dimebag thing,
you’re comparing an influencial musician getting killed by a deranged fanatic in some freak incident to a couple of assholes who say they’re bigger than the beatles (which is untrue unless they were refering to specific insects) getting somewhat deservingly punched in the face.
I’m trying to be unbiased here, I tolerate pantera as much as oasis. Not a whole lot.
I’m just releaved as to how this happened in Canada without any Jerseying (a hockey move).
September 9th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Hey Bucholz, your comments section doesn’t have nearly as many graphic and unsettling sexual descriptions in it as mine does. What’s your secret?
September 9th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
haha, love how the radiohead fanboys and oasis fanboys have a go at each other here. it’s only music and you’re playing the tough guys from behind the screen in mom’s basement.
…virgins <_<
September 9th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Real funny until you remember the last time a fan jumped up on stage and killed Dimebag Darrell………………..
September 9th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I have an opinion too!
I do not care for Oasis.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Oasis reminds me of this band in my high school that were only popular because they were a band, in high school. They lorded it about, and people thought they were great for some reason. The only difference between them and Oasis was that they were better than Oasis, and less overrated. Jesus they sucked.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Bucholz, do you have some anger issues? Your articles are getting so violent! Beating up kids, crappy bands, etc.
Then again, they do deserve it. Here, have a beer and a cookie.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
They hit the wrong brother, imo.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
ha ha nice work i hate oasis, you just gave me some ideas =D
September 9th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
He deserves it!! He is such a ass…
September 9th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Hey, an angry “FUCK YOU” comment that adds nothing to the conversation. Neat. Let’s see if those don’t get swiftly deleted from now on.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Hey Neil….F**K YOU.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Mike, I don’t think YOU have seen an Oasis interview. Don’t know how to handle fame? They’re not handling anything. They just keep it real. Stop trying to sound like a tough guy. We all know you’re a pussy.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
What I would do to punch Oasis in the face. I’d do just about anything.
I found this article very amusing … now I have to explain to my coworkers why I’m laughing so hard.
maybe i can recruit them to punch oasis in the face with me.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Toronto tough guy huh? F**khead
September 9th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
And I dare those two insolent twats to come back here to Toronto.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Anyone who hates Noel Gallagher is an idiot? Whatever fanboy. Some celebs can handle fame. These two brother can’t. While their music may be enjoyable, they’ve made a name for themselves as d rug and alcohol addicts who make musicians look like idiots. Have you seen an interview with these two? It’s like an interview with an old boxer. They know maybe 25 words, and when they don’t understand a question they get frustrated, have a mood swing, tell the interviewer to ‘F*ck off’ and storm off set. Yeah, I hate Noel Gallagher. You should too.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Your article’s not funny and the dipshit readers who want to punch,kick,whatever to Oasis are douche bags too.Oh how cool are these tough guys talking how to punch the band…LOSERS!
There’s no humour in this and someone could have really been hurt.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
hang on a minute
OASIS are a brilliant band
i hope he’s ok tho
im seeing them in october lol
September 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Anybody who thinks this is funny is an idiot. This guy could have had a gun, or a knife, or he could have pushed him of the stage and really did some serious damage. Anybody who hates like Noel Gallagher is also an idiot. You can’t hold a grudge against somebody simply because they tell it like it is. His job requires that people ask him questions, sometimes you may not agree with his answers. At least he has the balls to speak his mind.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
If you’re going to try and make a name for yourself by ‘attacking Oasis’ then for gawdsake do it properly. A ‘big-girl’ push to Noel doesn’t really cut it. A full on punch in Liam’s big gob or a headbutt is the only thing you could be proud of!
September 9th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
HAH! MBS, I’d never seen that video before. And here I was, thinking LaBrie was an out of shape chump, (did you see the DVD where he tries to play basketball? It’s pathetic.).
September 9th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
As an expert in frenzied random punching attacks (I do them at least once a week) then I’ll try my damndest to represent you 12 Pack.
I suggest we plead temporary insanity, or we rope Bucholz into a devious role as a cult-like mastermind who convinced you to punch everyone in the face.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
What a pussy, THIS is how somehting like this should be handled:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzsSZly1FZU
James LaBrie (a canadian) owns.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Damn, I have no way of getting back in touch afterwards…
should have thought that out more
September 9th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Glendoor…thanks for the advice, unfortunately it came too late as I just ran out the door after my earlier comment and punched as many people as I could in the face in quick succession. Also, unfortunately, my mail man is a pretty big dude, and didn’t appreciate my frenzied flailing…which resulting in a thumping of previously unimagined thoroughness.
Luckily, the local P.D. is letting me use the comments section as my one free call, because I’d like to try and get Panzer to represent me. How about it, friend?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Wait a minute G…is Chris an idiot? Are we all idiots? Are you talking to yourself?
What the hell? The limits of your philisophical fly-by insult are astronomical.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Heck yeah dude, smack him a good one now! let him have it.
Jiff
http://www.anonweb.net.tc
September 9th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
You’re a straight up idiot.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
“4 months later, hit Oasis in the balls with a cricket bat.”
The problem with this approach is that it assumes that Oasis has balls. Other than that, fantastic list.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I would have knocked the shit out of that motherfucker. 209 Stockton BITCHES!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
See how punching makes you feel better? If only the ass that shot Dimebag had just challenged him to a fist fight…the world would be a better place.
Proud to be Canadian.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Well. I’m proud to be Canadian after seeing that. Maybe I’ve been going to punk shows for too long but stopping for 15 minutes because you got shoved? Fucking laughable.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Could someone punch the creator of Thingswhitepeoplehate.cock?
September 9th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Or one could grab Kim Kardashian by her ankles and hurl her chest first into him. I think those jugs she carries on her chest would do more damage than a simple fist. Come on……you have to get more creative than that
September 9th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Did you know Christy Dignam from Aslan got smashed at a gig just last week? He was hit by a bottle thrown from the crowd, got badly split, there was a riot after that
September 9th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Brilliant. Please tell me how much funding you will need to begin relaying this message to the public at large. I’m talking about radio and TV spots… I’m talking NBC News, Leno, Oprah…. we have to let the world know that it’s okay to act on their urges to haul off and slam Oasis in the face, they don’t have to hide anymore.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I actually love this band, but this is the best cracked article ever. I farted four times laughing. Right after a protein shake too. Or maybe someone punched me in the face because I’m kinda woozy.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I spit my Froot Loops all over my laptop. Hilarious.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
[...] práctica para golpear a Oasis en la cara. Vía Cracked Alec /// 09.09.2008 @ 12:52 PM Categorias: Notas Cortas. Tags: [...]
September 9th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Didn’t felt a thing, pft.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Glendoor42 has gone mad with power! Mad I say!
September 9th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I usually skip punching Oasis in the face and just punch myself in the face. I’m much more assessable to myself and don’t care to spend the time/money/effort or subject myself to the horror of attending a concert where Oasis is performing.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:32 am
He pushed a man in his forties from behind while he wasn’t looking, that’s just weak.
Oasis is one of the greatest bands of all time, just ask them.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Okay ona, calling Michael Swaim a dog rapits is one thing, glendoor42, but you’ve gone too far.I mean, Winger? Winger? Come on. That’s like one step down from Ratt, and two steps up from Stryper.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I’m 94% sure that the distinguished author of this blog is aware that England has a prime minister. Perhaps that is why he presumed the face-puncher was made president. The position of prime minister was already taken and it would be rude to oust him from his prime minister chair.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
This was beautiful. Saying more would only cheapen it.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Oasis is an asshole.
Can’t wait to dress like an english woman and punch him in the face… or in the balls.
Oh yeah… First!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 11:07 am
However funny and appealing this article seems, England doesn’t have a president. We have a prime minister, allbeit a bad one. I think the next time someone hits Oasis in the face, they should be prime minister.
Would solve a lot of problems..
September 9th, 2008 at 11:01 am
First!
September 9th, 2008 at 10:57 am
@J-Pappi
You know what sucks? Just after reading your post where you wrote “Wonderwall” got that piece of shit stuck in my head…
September 9th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Brilliant, Bucholtz. Well done. Now, can someone punch me in the face to get “Wonderwall” out of my head? Thanks in advance.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:53 am
I love that it’s how to punch Oasis, like they’re a single entity, moving in unison, aways at the same place.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I’d like to get some good ideas on how to beat up Bono. Preferably while he’s handing a bag of rice to some African kid while getting his picture taken for People magazine wearing sunglasses valuable enough to feed that kid’s whole neighborhood for an entire year.
I don’t like Bono, teach me how to punch him!
September 9th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I don’t know, Michael Swaim’s ” My years as a Winger groupie, a personal sexual journey through the big hair bands” was pretty close , though not intentionally.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Finally. Not since Bucholz’s 1992 Thorough Guide to Dropkicking Hall & Oates has there been a more complete and practical instruction manual for attacking irritating rock stars.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:24 am
@ Lawrence:
Most Oasis-punching instructors recommend that working up from light one-fist presses on Oasis, gradually putting more pressure and within quicker intervals.
They say you should maybe work yourself up gradually, as any attempt to punch Oasis with heavy one-two combinations staight away can cause wrist strains.
As an active Oasis-puncher (since goddamn Standing on the doddamn fuck shit Shoulders of fucking Giants was released) I’d say your pregnant wife should engage in no more than one Oasis punching a week, and your kids can start at any age as long as they work the Oasis body and groin.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:19 am
One of my favorite things about this article was how he kept referring to Oasis as a single person. I laughed everytime I read that.
Also the part about dressing up as Oasis’ wife…
September 9th, 2008 at 10:15 am
fantastic article for getting curious stares at work whilst helplessly giggling..!
i loved how each more was more ingenious than the other - actually like oasis, but now would also like to see them punched in the face…
September 9th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Dimebag gets shot and this dbag walks off with only a punch to the face. Life isn’t fair.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I am interested in beginning a Oasis punching regimen to lose excess body fat. Should I consult a physician before beginning?
My wife is pregnant, is it ok for her to punch Oasis in the face?
At what age can children begin to safely punch Oasis in the face?
September 9th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Look, say what you want about Oasis. The fact is, they’re out there on stage every damn night. And they’re charming!
September 9th, 2008 at 9:58 am
“Everyone in the world now assumes we Mancs are mini-gallghers with bad hair and an inability so speak in a decent voice.”
That scarily and accurately just described me, and I’m Glaswegian.
Also, the simplest way to punch Oasis is to be a member of the Russian Mafia when Liam Gallacher has had too much to drink.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:24 am
@ Stickels.
I noticed that too. He wanted to get stuck in and act like a hard man only he was sure he wasn’t going to get hurt.
He’ll probably go on record saying how he was just about to kick the shit out of him, ‘cos no-one messes with the Oasis brothers.’
Douche.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Who is Oasis?
September 9th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Each one of those was better than the last. Great article!
September 9th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Anyone else notice when Oasis #1 got shoved Oasis #2 kind of flailed about like a pansy and only tried to do something after about 4 guys had the attacker? What a urine receptacle. Funny article, Chris.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Does traveling back in time counts for punching Oasis in the face? Gasp, time paradox.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:38 am
“Two weeks later, when Oasis is sitting on his saddle-brown, full-grain leather Lancaster sofa, weeping into your shoulder about the sheer terror he feels at facing a world seemingly gone mad with the desire to punch him in the face, punch him in the face.”
Genius.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:38 am
@ 12 Pack I tried that tactic, a lot, when I was drunk…….it…..it really doesn’t work well…..at all. The cops get a lot of pratice though.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Build the LHC so you can play God, replicate big bang, create new universe, create Oasis, punch Oasis in the fucking face!
September 9th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Is it okay to practice punching Oasis in the face by randomly punching others in the face? It seems as though it would be the ultimate defense in court.
The only thing to do is test this theory…I’ll let everyone know how it goes.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Ok Liam is a wanker, but Noel has some decent views such as Rap is shite, a comment I would defend to the death. So I may have to go mental balls on this attackers ass.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I have to say this article was one of the best (got me laughing)
September 9th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Funny as hell! Was takin’ a swig when i started reading and nearly spouted out what I was drinking! Nice one! and damn u’ve got a wild imagination! the military oughta recruit you for planning sneak attacks man.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Not really, no. You’re a horrible person who has no friends. You may be, in fact, Oasis.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Cricket bat to the nuts was my favorite.
I once saw a guy, who had this other guy by the hair, punch the dude so hard, it ripped part of his scalp off. Then the guy with the hair in his hand screamed like a bitch when he saw the hair and scalp in his hand.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:41 am
“Hide within the ceiling space of a military installation where Oasis is standing guard. Wait for Oasis to walk by, remove a ceiling tile, hang upside down from some pipes and gently tap Oasis’ shoulder. Punch Oasis in the face.”
OMFG that’s classic right there. Great stuff!
@Stillwater, I’d not think that of people from Manchester all due to the Stone Roses, baby!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:32 am
First!
Was it Noel or Liam that got hit? I thought Noel was the singer, and Liam was the guy who used a guitar. I didn’t see the Potaotes van in the video; can I assume it was waiting outside for the puncher, Butch Holes?
First!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:19 am
I live in Manchester, not far from where the Oasis lads were raised. Everyone in the world now assumes we Mancs are mini-gallghers with bad hair and an inability so speak in a decent voice.
Ergo: I now TOTALLY love Canada! Just because of this one bloke!!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:07 am
FFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:04 am
thanks for the laugh, though I must admit for my own sick delight I went back and re-read and every time it said “oasis” I substituted “britney spears” hehe
September 9th, 2008 at 7:02 am
FAAAARUCON PAAAAWWWWWNNCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 7:02 am
Love it.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:57 am
I have always considered Oasis nothing more than a Beatles tribute band that got out of hand.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:57 am
My dog once mauled Oasis, making it the King of England. Until that President of ‘94 came along, singlehandedly turned the UK into a republic, completely reshuffled the democratic system and legalised guns.
So I shot him in the balls. And Oasis too.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:51 am
I like penis
September 9th, 2008 at 6:43 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
September 9th, 2008 at 6:42 am
I’d like to punch all of Oasis in the face. Especially the Gorilla bros.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Sorry Amy, we we’re both beaten by Garfunkle *wanders off mumbling..*
September 9th, 2008 at 6:42 am
chris bucholz, mate u never fail to disappoint , even tho in a blog thingo i read on here Dan O’brien said you were scary, i rekon ur a genius
September 9th, 2008 at 6:42 am
damn it. I dithered for so long as well
September 9th, 2008 at 6:41 am
First! Oasis does have mates, and they would not be hard to imitate.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:41 am
w00t first! and this is of epic amounts of win, that man in ‘94 is definately the president of the UK!
September 9th, 2008 at 6:40 am
lol wut