4 Things To Consider When Painting A Tunnel On A Wall

So it's finally come to it. You're going to paint a tunnel on a wall. I'm not going to ask why you're doing this, what strange road your life has taken to get you to this point. I don't want to know. As I understand the law (I do not understand the law at all), any advice I give you is nice and legal if I don't know how you intend to use it.

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I don't understand "advice" that well either, actually, so heads up.

Still, I can guess. There are only so many reasons you might be painting a tunnel on a wall, after all. You might be trying to:

- Kill a troublesome bird.

- Cut corners at your failing contracting business.

- Impress a woman.

- Impress a troublesome bird.

- Escape the authorities.

- Get up to some mischief.

- Make just one beautiful thing in my life, so stop criticizing me, Karen.

Here's how to get that done.

#4. Understand Perspective

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Painting a tunnel on a wall requires a lot more than just paint and a treacherous heart. You're trying to portray a three-dimensional scene on a two-dimensional surface. To even have a chance of doing that, you need to totally understand the concept of perspective.

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No, that's prospecting.

The details are a little complicated to get into here. I suggest you practice drawing for five to ten years to get the basics down. Basically, it involves all the parallel lines in the three-dimensional scene converging to a vanishing point in the distance. Railroad tracks are an excellent and simple example, and it's no coincidence that so many fake tunnel practitioners make use of them in their craft.

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Looks like a tunnel, right? Wrong. If you move a little to the side, you'll see it's actually an image on your computer screen.

But as you experiment with drawing fake tunnels around your house and such, you'll quickly come across a problem. Perspective only works when the viewer is standing in a single specific location. From any other point -- closer, further away, or to the side -- the illusion slips, and your target will realize that they're not about to escape you, but instead have a head-on collision with comedy.

Which means you'll also need ...

#3. A Distraction

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You already have a few tools for getting around the perspective problem. Tunnels are naturally dark, which helps disguise the problem from far away. And people typically approach tunnels using a road or other predictable path, which minimizes any chances of them seeing your fake tunnel from the side. But the illusion will always break down as they get closer to the painting.

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"Hang on a second. This doesn't look like the tunnel to Albuquerque."

The only way around this is to use some form of distraction. Once your target gets within a certain distance of the fake tunnel, you'll need to divert their attention from it somehow so that they look away in the moments before their hilarious death. Distraction can come in any number of forms, and will vary depending on the terrain and who you're trying to fool. Fireworks, brightly flashing lights, or an attractive girl bird are traditional options, but remember: You still have a bucket of paint. You can do a lot of things.

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Distracting and comforting.

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