So the second movie of the year about mall security officers came out this weekend, leading many entertainment observes to cry out, “Seriously WTF?” or words to that effect.
Hollywood of course has a long history of releasing similar themed movies within months of each other, but this pair feels a little over the top. Two asteroid movies in one year seems downright reasonable in comparison, and even the two volcano movies almost seem plausible. But two movies about mall security in three months? Speaking on behalf of the world, I have to ask, “Hollywood, are you fucking with us?”
I haven’t seen either of these two movies yet because I’m pretty certain that they’re both terrible. (Don’t worry; years of writing Internet comedy has given me the ability to make pretty accurate snap judgments like this about movies, other creative works and entire cultures.) Based on the ads alone I can probably tell you exactly the plot of both these movies. They’re about mall security guards and are terrible, right? See, easy.
The problem is that the concept of “mall security guard” lends itself to five or six really obvious jokes and themes. One big trick with humor is ignoring these obvious jokes, and approaching your target from a different angle. (Failing that, it also helps to insert obscene biological acts, or references to 80s cartoon shows.) Looking at the ads, I can tell that the creators of these two movies did not ignore those obvious jokes, meaning we’ve already seen these movies before they were released.
In Japan, their movies about mall cops are actually movies about mall cop robots. I love that country so much.
Here then are my observations for what the obvious jokes are for a mall cop movie, how to avoid them and, with the insertion of some unnecessarily obscene biological humor, how to make a movie eight billion times better in the process. How can I make such bold claims? Because I write on the Internet and none of you will check my math.
__
Obvious Joke/Theme #1:
Mall Security Guards are self-serious buffoons who want desperately to be real cops.
Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed Chowdhury was a doctor in his native Bangladesh. But because none of his training is recognized in America, he has been forced to take a menial job as a mall security guard to feed his family. The humiliating nature of his job, combined with the low levels of racism he regularly faces, has engendered in him an enormous antipathy towards most Americans in his heart. He relieves these feelings of ill will by rubbing his genitals on selected items in the Williams & Sonoma after hours.
Obvious Joke/Theme #2:
Mall Security Guards make humiliatingly small salaries, and have horrible home lives because of it.
Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed does make a humiliatingly small salary, but works two other jobs at different malls to compensate. To make extra money, Syed operates a private members club after hours in the Sears furniture department, a place where “Spokane’s fattest swingers” can come to play.
Obvious Joke/Theme #3:
Mall Security Guards are fat and lazy.
Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed is smaller than average, and possesses the trim physique of a cricket player. His small hands and slender wrists get him unwanted attention from Friendly Mike, a regular at his after-hours club. Friendly Mike produces videos of the sort where things that aren’t meant to be inserted into other things, are, repeatedly and vigorously.
Obvious Joke/Theme #4:
Mall Security Guard gets in over his head when actual criminals perform actual crime in his mall. Hilarity ensues.
Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed himself gets caught up in a criminal enterprise within his mall. The wife of one of Spokane’s most important car salesmen dies on mall premises during the production of one of Friendly Mike’s films. It is not a good death. Hilarity ensues.
Obvious Joke/Theme #5:
Thanks to some quick thinking, and the use of a useless-seeming skill that was demonstrated earlier in the movie, the Mall Security Guard battles the villains in an action packed sequence.
Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed makes things much, much worse, and soon finds himself in the center of a dark carnival of death and intrigue. The film of the car salesman’s wife’s demise does brisk business thanks to the horror that is the Internet. This business opportunity is seized upon by Syed and Friendly Mike. By day Syed begins offering “parole” programs to shoplifters who want to avoid a criminal record, and by night Friendly Mike films these same shoplifters as they meet horrifically erotic demises between the racks at the Hallmark Store.
Obvious Joke/Theme #6:
The Mall Security Guard overcomes his enemies and learns some important lessons about himself and life.
Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed disposes of the bodies in the dumpsters used by the food court. They go unnoticed as it turns out they already smell like death. He learns that he should stop eating at the food court, perhaps the hardest lesson of all.
Obvious Joke/Theme #7:
The Mall Security Guard wins the heart of the girl who is much too hot to plausibly be attracted to him.
Not Obvious Joke without the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor:
Syed and Friendly Mike begin spending time socially, and soon develop a platonic relationship that is more fulfilling than anything Syed has had in his life. The film ends with the two of them riding a paddle boat in the park, laughing and splashing water on each other.
__
This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Mall Cops. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 25th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Actually Observe and Report didn’t really have these jokes. The main character was a crazy dude who took his job seriously and thought that catching a sex offender made him a superhero.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:13 am
I don’t understand your obvious issue. There are movies making fun of everything and everyone. Why does it bother you so badly to have two security guard movies depicting them idiots want -2- be police, this is what security do. Type in Security being sued.They violate not just laws,but civil rights. Look up what a RICO is and you will see,they are bottom feeds who do get in over their heads and no business pertending to be cops. Boohoo,, facts are facts. Security guards should keep to what they know. Nothing but observing&reporting thats worth 4 bucks an hr.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Wait, I thought the mall Cop in observe and report said “Fuck You” to the girl that was out of his league and settled for the semi crippled one that had the hots for him anyway?
October 8th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Yeah, that Syed movie sounds brilliant. And I say that as someone who used to be a security guard.
(I don’t think I had any coworkers named Syed, but I had a few named Mohammed.)
August 31st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
golf stat…
Your topic ” Blog Archive ” Kuriose Uni-Wettbewerbe (1): Schwimmende Betonboote was interesting when I found it on Monday searching for golf stat…
August 13th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I saw neither of these movies, but based on other things Jody Hill has done i assume Observe and Report was at least ok. But i get very sick of Seth Rogen.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Admittedly I almost laughed in the trailer of Paul Blart and do love Seth Rogen, those obvious deep personality flaws aside I actually thought Observe and Report was really funny, didn’t see Paul Blart so I’ve got nothing on that subject.
July 18th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Ben…
…
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
I was pointing out that I don’t blindly love Rogen movies like an idiot drone. The movie was bizzare and hilarious - not at all like the author of this article tries to portray it. You clearly missed the point. I think the author was wrong. But clearly your feelings were hurt- I’m so very sorry…really.
Still say Observe & Report was great.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Make. That. Film.
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
going out on a limb here, but if you like seth rogen movies enough to anonymously defend them on a humor website, then there’s a good chance nobody likes you or your friends. You were obviously very deeply affected by Bucholz’s alleged carelessness in defaming “Observe and Report”, which honestly, makes you way more of a douche than the author of this article.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
give me $50 and i will make the syed movie
May 18th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I think I accidentally saw Paul Blart instead of Observe and Report. Oops.
May 15th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Maybe observe and report didnt fall for all of the cliches, but it made up for it emphatically by replacing #7 with “mall cop discovers that the hot girl he lusts after is actually a bitch and that the girl he previously overlooked (who is suddenly much hotter than aforementioned bitch) is his true love”
taxi driver it aint
May 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am
that sounds like such agood idea
May 11th, 2009 at 5:17 am
“Based on the ads alone I can probably tell you exactly the plot of both these movies. They’re about mall security guards and are terrible, right? See, easy.”
Wrong.
“Looking at the ads, I can tell that the creators of these two movies did not ignore those obvious jokes, meaning we’ve already seen these movies before they were released.”
Wrong again.
I agree that two mall-cop movies in the same month, year, decade is fucking weird. But I also knew that something had to give - with that being said I tried my luck with Observe & Report. And no, I’m not an obessed Seth Rogen junkie, but I happen to enjoy his movies. It was the most shocking experience I’ve had at the theater so far this year. My best friend and I were hyperventilating and crying at some points because the insanity of the movie was so, uncontrollably and unpredictably hilarious. Do your self righteous ass a favor and watch the movie. Writing about things before you know what they are doesn’t make you funny sir- it makes you a douche.
May 6th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
thank you for addressing this concern of mine…now i can rest wit the knowledge i wasnt the only person to be iritated by this bs
May 5th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
That movie should be made. Please make it.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
did you actually see observe and report? that shit was actually pretty tight. more taxi driver than paul blart.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I would watch that movie. Streamed even!
April 26th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I saw Observe and Report awhile ago, it’s actually pretty damn awesome.
April 26th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Yeah, Bucholz, sheesh. Way to judge a tasteless, unfunny movie in which the central character is a rapist before you even see it. Do you think you’re some sort of satirical internet writer or something?
April 25th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Get Juss Apatow to produce this and Quentin Tarantino to direct it and I would seriously consider downloading your film.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
i would love to see your security-mall movie, it sounds fun
April 21st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
You are a total jackass, see Observe and Report then recant your shit brain statement’s. Paul Blart did suck because Kevin James is a fat fuck oaf and not funny, I guess families like him. Fuck families.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
i don’t know how to say this…
a few months ago my friend and i somehow got roped into seeing paul blart…
we actually laughed quite hard. it was very generic comedy, but something about it was still funny.
or it might’ve been the fact that we make our own jokes and love bad jokes.
and at one point, the dude fell over and the theater went quiet. then a toddler said “fail” and i just about lost my shit
April 19th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
i havent seen paul blart, but observe and report only fell for the first joke. the rest were ignored. it was a good movie. not what i expected at all. but it seems it would have gone straight to dvd if not for seth rogen.
April 19th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Where did they even come up with this mall cop stereotype? I’m not so sure about everyone else, but the mall security at my local shopping establishments has always seemed very serious.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Watch observe and report before you write on it
April 17th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
*laughs at opinion mans post*
Unpredictable?
hehe.
Honestly, people judging cracked articles amuses me.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
This was pretty fucking stupid. Please actually watch Observe and Report before you write about it; it’s a comedy literally close to nothing like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He doesn’t win the heart of the “much too hot to plausibly be attracted to him.” He’s not fat and lazy. Pretty burly, a bit overweight. But not fat. And he doesn’t fight any “criminals” in it. He overcomes enemies in his own way. That movie is far too unpredictable to be slapped into a serious of stupid stereotypes and prejudices.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Haha thanks for writing this. My buddy and I had the exact same reaction when we saw the trailer for another mall cop movie. “Dude WTF?!”
I can just picture the guys who were making the 2nd one getting all pissed off when they saw the trailer for Paul Blart come out. “Oh nooooo!!”
April 17th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I am sure he meant Spokompton, not Spokane.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:35 am
You obviously have insider information about Spokane, Wa. While I commend your bravery, there is a big difference in admitting you’re a Cracked writer and admitting insider knowledge of Spokane…I would tread carefully, as your credibility may already be shot :p
April 17th, 2009 at 8:17 am
so cool , I will upload this to tall dating site http://tallconnect.com which is a hot dating site for all tall admirers ,tall man and tall woman.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
These jokes weren’t obvious at all. Either I should never even consider attempting to be funny in public, or I should totally go for it and be avant-garde and new wave. I could be the Yoko Ono of empty comedy films.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I assume Doctorchaos still has the intelligence of a golf ball but the pretension of a college professor.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I’m going to go ahead and assume that you and Gladstone had a little slap fight in the elevator on the way up to the office, concerning your submissions this week, and he won, therefore getting the better movie to take the piss out of. His video was very amusing, this however was not, but you didn’t really have much to work with. I suggest more time thinking about how to make a good article with much better subject matter, and less time drinking whatever you were drinking all week. Or maybe you could go to a slap fight training camp and learn to win, then G-Stone might make a shitty submission that I can laugh at.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
“Observe and Report” is basically “Travis Bickle gets a job as a mall cop.” It is really, really fucked up.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I would definitely see your alternate mall cop movie in theaters, and buy it on both DVD and Blu-Ray, AND download it off the internet. Great post.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
It’s not really a fair comparison.
Paul Blart was a shitty, formulaic, predictable movie.
Observe and Report isn’t a cliched shitty film; it’s actually good. Calling it “just another mall cop movie” is like calling Superbad “another teen comedy”. It’s actually different, which is why it’s good.
Also, a typical plot can still have original, well done humor within it. There were films before Superbad about things like “Teens try to buy alcohol and get laid”, but it’s because of how they handled that concept that made it funny.
Basically, don’t harp on Observe and Report just because it had the misfortune of Paul Blart being released first.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
oh my god, i would totally watch your alternate cop movie. I think a lot of other people would too actually… maybe you need to get on the phone to Hollywood?
April 15th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Chopping Mall was a movie about robot mall cops. Great sci-fi/horror if you’re into that kind of b-list stuff.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Really?!?!?! Insulting someone in defense of a stupid movie. Here is my impression of some of the posters to this article…
“How dare you try and compare lame-ass paul blart with seth rogain! His movie is the shit! Any movie he makes …GRALPHGRAGGLEMMPHCHOKE …Sorry I had observe and reports dick in my mouth for a minute… is awesome!!1!!”
The idiocy of these posters is the real comedic value here. GREAT JOB Buch…GRALPHGRAGGLEMMPHCHOKE…olz
April 15th, 2009 at 9:44 am
You have a sick mind, sir! I like it.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:14 am
seriously? you have to understand that hollywood isn’t some great, single entity. it’s a term that encompasses all the individual film makers in the region. It would be one thing to complain about one director doing two similarly-themed movies, but these are all different film makers here. Say you made something but then found out that someone else was making that same something, but you still felt your something would be better. wouldn’t you still make your something?
April 15th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Omg I had the same thought years ago. Why the fuk did hollywood release 2 movies about volcanos in the same year then 2 movies about astroids Deep Impact and Armagedon now 2 movies about mall cops in the same year. Is this some kind of conspiracy? I bet 2 hollywood execs say to eachother we already have a assload of money how bout we put out 2 movies with the same theme but months apart from eachother whichever movie makes the most money gets to fuk eachother in the ass. Hahaahah my friends said I was crazy now I have proof.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Observe and Report was made to make fun of Paul Blart’s movie. That’s kind of what Seth Rogen does.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:07 am
This is why Cracked should start making movies. You guys can turn even the most retarded and/or overused ideas into a masterpiece of intrigue and dick jokes.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
sounds like a possible coen brothers movie.send em a draft
April 14th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Observe and Report is more Taxi Driver than Paul Blart mall security
April 14th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
i love seth rogan!!!!
April 14th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Yay! Snuff films! Finally, Cracked is catering to my tastes. Cheers Bulcholz.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I would definitely see your mall cop movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I thought this article was funny Sean, don’t listen to all those meany-heads.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Good idea, poor execution.
Though Observe & report should get a little credit for Having seth rogen in the staring role.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I stopped reading after theme 3…..
Blahhhh
April 14th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Paul Blart is the SHITTEST movie I have ever seen
April 14th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Cricketers don’t have trim physiques.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
I would pay big money to see that movie…
April 14th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
you know you kind of ripped off the Syed character from the Indian airport janitor in Terminal.
he was a doctor
he resents america (laughs at people who slip on his cleaning puddles)
he plays after hours poker games (similar to the Sears swingers club thing)
But I’ve read some of the other comments and I feel bad that people have been so harsh so I’ll keep the rest of my opinions to myself
April 14th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
ignore that useless “the”
April 14th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I think the Mr. Bucholz should watch Observe and Report and give us an honest review.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Mall Cops are the new Penguins.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I haven’t seen paul blart so I can’t really compare the two (even for internet comedy), but observe and report is… unique. you should watch it.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I refuse to see “Paul Blart” unless I’m so inebriated I won’t remember it. Even the title is stupid. “Observe and Report” is iffy, but at least Seth Rogen isn’t too bad in general. But dammit all if I never get to see your mall cop flick, Bucholz.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Where’s my name-sake? Off reaming a post box I bet
April 14th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Paul Blart looked stupid but come on Observe and Report is FUCKING Seth Rogen but yes Swaim, DOB maybe even Gladstone wouldve had something funnier/more interesting to say
April 14th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
This might’ve been funny if they had chose someone who can actually write to tackle this topic.
DOB? Swaim?
April 14th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I would totally see this movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Yawn. If you’d actually bothered to see “Observe & Report,” you’d know that it was much closer to your Syed movie than the “Obvious Joke” one.
The movies are totally different: one is about a bumbling mall cop who wants to a real cop, the other is about a burgeoning psychopath who just so happens to be a mall cop.
Seriously, who saw “Observe & Report” and didn’t think that Seth Rogen was going to shoot up the mall? Watching this movie felt like watching the makings of the Columbine or Virginia Tech guys.
Both movies were entertaining in different ways, but aside from setting, they’re nothing alike.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I think I would pay the $9.50 necessary to go see that movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
oh lolz.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
i skipped out on paul blart, but thought observe and report was hilarious! i know everyone is entitled to their opinion, I hate reading shit like this from people that don’t even do their own research before trashing a movie that is actually good
April 14th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I’m all in favor of gang-banging Anna Faris, she is a lot funnier than most (all) other actresses
April 14th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
you really need to try harder at this whole internet comedy thing. if the stuff i read to waste time at work, isn’t funny, then you’ve wasted my wasted time. that hurts me and my employer. c’mon man, don’t be unfunny, people depend on you.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Ehh. I stopped reading when the retard started claiming that adding “unnecessary obscenity” to a movie will make it good. That’s part of what’s wrong with hollywood.
Garbage “pot + boobs + beer is as funny as mankind can get in it’s current non-energy based form” movies, those who make them, and those who enjoy them can all go fuck themselves.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
…Holy shit, Mr. Bucholz, I would see your movie.
P.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
any movie with anna faris is shit, not even seth rogen can save it
she should be gang-raped then killed
April 14th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Please start writing movies, Chris.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
haha…. Jody Hill who wrote Observe and Report is a WAY more talented writer than you. Hence, he is a big successful filmmaker and you write for a blog (and most likely still live with your mom).
April 14th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
IberianSoapOpera said what I was thinking much more eloquently than I was thinking, so I’ll write “Good Job” and leave it at that.
-A.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
“years of writing Internet comedy has given me the ability to make pretty accurate snap judgments like this about movies, other creative works and entire cultures”
Hilarious.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Wow, I would actually pay to see that movie of yours.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I actually LIKED “Observe and Report”, but because of YOU, I feel like a jackass for doing so. Thanks a fucking lot, Bucholz!
But the first one, the title of which I cannot remember, looked dumber than hell, so there you are.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
…hasn’t this topic sort of been done to death, since its been known for a good long while that there are going to be two mall cop movies? And that one of them is going to be pure family drivel while the other is supposedly dark and offensively in your face done by an actually respected comedic director?
I too haven’t seen either movies, but I’ve also known that at least Observe and Report looked good, and Paul Blart looked like the death of america…
April 14th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
am i the only one who thinks ana farris is horribly unfunny?
“psychologically noooooooo!!!!” how the fcuk is that funny?
April 14th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
You were WRONG, Bucholz! I checked your math, and your mall-cop film would only be 7 billion, 420 million, 174 thousand and five times better than either Observe and Report or Paul Blart. Get your facts right, or I may have to boycott you.
April 14th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
“lordGONDOR Says:
April 14th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Hey Bucholz how about you get your lazy fat ass off the couch and actually watch observe and report then you would know that it anally fucks paul blart’s mall cop in the ass! Do some reserach you dirty dumb fuck cunt.”
Anally fucks it in the ass? As opposed to anally fucking somewhere that is not the anus? WTF?
April 14th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Awesome movie. (Yours)
It has to be made.
In fact, since I just started a film club, I might be inclined to make it. Not for profit of course. Do I need copyrights for that?
April 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Yeah, well maybe mall cop movies suck, but Hollywood would never make a movie starring an asian actor. Silly Bucholz!
April 14th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
While they might give a few chuckles, I agree with the main point o’ this article. What the fuck two mall cop movies within months of each other?
April 14th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Hey Bucholz how about you get your lazy fat ass off the couch and actually watch observe and report then you would know that it anally fucks paul blart’s mall cop in the ass! Do some reserach you dirty dumb fuck cunt.
April 14th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Your movie must be made…
April 14th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
You should see Observe and Report, as the weird and dark jokes actually kind of resemble your not obvious unnecessarily obscene humor.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Yeah, I gotta say that Observe and Report is actually pretty funny. It’s nothing like the trailers make it out to be. I will admit that it follows most of the Obvious Jokes on the list, but really, that’s how mall cops actually are.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I would watch a mall cop movie by Bucholz.
I would watch it repeatedly, I imagine.
Naked.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Ok I never planned to see either of these movies so I thought the article was funny. Now reading the comments I think Observe & Report actually sounds good so I will go see it. Thanks Cracked readers!
April 14th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
i’d love to say that observe and report will be good.
but my hopes are low.
and i am looking forward to hearing how well “Syed’s Heavenly Mall” does at SXSW.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I agree that Paul Blart’s pile of Mall Cop desrves nothing more than a snap judgement being shallow and hollow and quite clearly bad, but I’m still withholding judgement on Observe and Report till I’v had a fair time to eye the beast which may be a terrible movie or meerly missunderstood.
Also it’s not just Movies that do this, just recently AC-DC and Guns N Roses both released a “We’re not dead” Album (AC-DC so won) and games do it all the time some unavoidably (tying in with the opening of a sports season) whilst others on purpose.
Anyway this phenomenon needs further research and I’m too lazy to do it.
Yours Carl
April 14th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
SIR
SIR
EXCUSE ME SIR
I JUST READ THAT YOU WATCHED THE TRAILERS FOR A MOVIE AND HELD A DISSENTING OPINION FROM MY OWN IN ORDER TO WRITE YOUR ARTICLE
I AM NOW IRATE AND WILL POST AN OBSCENITY CONCERNING YOUR PERSON AND BITCH ABOUT CRACKED TO MY FRIENDS
YOU FUCKTOGGLE
April 14th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I guess that’s funny, I’m not planing to see any of those movies any time in this life… but judgin from the comments, I see that a lot of people did… So, Bucholz, you know why there are two movies about mall cops this year.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I really hate to join the mob, but Observe & Report ISN’T one of those stupid Judd Apatow movies like you (and I) expected it to be. It’s actually fairly decent, and that’s coming from someone who can’t stand Seth Rogen.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Um, Bucholz, STOP WRITING INTERNET COMEDY NOW, and GO MAKE YOUR MALL COP MOVIE. That is a piece of Genius!
April 14th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
make this movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
My girlfriend thought the trailer was hilarious.
The trailer has Seth Rogen making out with a girl covered in puke.
That is all.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
You know, something about writing and publishing critiques of movies that you haven’t seen, and taking all your “Obvious Jokes” straight from the trailers, and then to be wrong, is more sad than funny.
I thought this was going to be funny. But, it’s really just sad.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
“Obvious Joke/Theme #1:
Mall Security Guards are self-serious buffoons who want desperately to be real cops.”
All right, I’ll give you this one. Yeah, this is pretty much the one thing that the two movies have in common.
“Obvious Joke/Theme #2:
Mall Security Guards make humiliatingly small salaries, and have horrible home lives because of it.”
The guy has mental problems and he lives with an alcoholic mother. That has everything to do with a meager salary.
“Obvious Joke/Theme #3:
Mall Security Guards are fat and lazy.”
Yeah, the character is fat, but he isn’t all that lazy. He blazes through an obstacle course used to train police officers, and can
“Obvious Joke/Theme #4:
Mall Security Guard gets in over his head when actual criminals perform actual crime in his mall. Hilarity ensues.”
He doesn’t seem to have too much trouble beating several drug dealers to death right before they’re about to blow his brains out. I’m sure Rogen’s character was thinking “Oh lawd, a single unarmed flasher is running through the mall, what can I do to stop this?”
“Obvious Joke/Theme #5:
Thanks to some quick thinking, and the use of a useless-seeming skill that was demonstrated earlier in the movie, the Mall Security Guard battles the villains in an action packed sequence.”
Yeah, shooting an unarmed man, point blank, is a skill demonstrated earlier in the movie.
“Obvious Joke/Theme #6:
The Mall Security Guard overcomes his enemies and learns some important lessons about himself and life.”
The guy is still bipolar, and delusional. All the attention he gets for apprehending the flasher only reinforces his delusions. You ever see Taxi Driver? Yeah, it’s kinda like that.
“Obvious Joke/Theme #7:
The Mall Security Guard wins the heart of the girl who is much too hot to plausibly be attracted to him.”
Well, she doesn’t really like him all that much, and in the end, when she starts to like him (only because he shoots a guy), he tells her to fuck off.
Hell, I don’t think it’s a problem skipping that Paul Blart movie, and I seriously lost so much respect for the people I know who saw it and liked it. Observe and Report, on the other hand, is like the funny version of Taxi Driver.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:55 am
newb f4gz
April 14th, 2009 at 11:44 am
i hate you and you family, im gonna mindrape your life … observe and report is actually funny
April 14th, 2009 at 11:31 am
The best I’ve ever seen Seth Rogan isn”t where he’s playing the idiot loser, or the washed up everyman, its the movies where he is a bitingly sarcastic son of a bitch, a la Freaks and Geeks. Every time he releases a movie that features him as a nice guy who has had a little trouble, or as the universe’s butt monkey I feel depressed knowing that the film makers aren’t making the best of his skill set. Personally I’d like to see the acerbic Seth Rogan applying a cruel wit to the situations he finds himself confronted with.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Yeah, I’m gonna add my voice to the mob: Observe and Report isn’t what you think it is, Bucholz.
It’s got like a 50something on Rotten Tomatoes right now, because critics basically expected Paul Blart 2 and got a mashup between Death to Smoochy and Taxi Driver. It’s dark, fucked up, and Seth Rogen is played entirely against type. None of the characters are good people, and it almost entirely condones date rape.
You really owe it to yourself to see it, because this one really is a victim of timing and shitty marketing. Everyone who would like it is repelled by the Blart associations, and everyone who expected a light, disposable comedy is completely blindsided by how dark the whole thing ends up being.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:18 am
You shouldn’t totally write off Observe and Report. It’s not one of those Adam Sandler-esque movies where the middle-aged manchild character gets the girl after an hour and a half of talking like a retard and getting a boner on a prison bus. Nor is it like a Will Ferrell comedy, where the humor is mostly derived from releasing dangerous animals into unlikely places or teabagging a drum set.
Observe and Report is more like those conversations you have with that emotionally disturbed guy at work or school that are so fucking unusual that you can’t figure out whether to laugh, cry, or get a restraining order.
If you liked Foot Fist Way or Eastbound and Down then you’ll like this
April 14th, 2009 at 11:05 am
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April 14th, 2009 at 10:51 am
To join the Greek chorus, Observe and Report is just about as dark as Syed’s story. It’s a subversive, cringe-inducing comedic riff on Taxi Driver. The fact that it gets lumped in with effing Blart is the great cinematic tragedy of this year. I would have figured comedy writers would know this. Also, check out director Jody Hill’s HBO miniseries, Eastbound and Down. Brilliance, I tells ya. Hilarious brilliance.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hilarious article. Good work!
April 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I would definately watch the Chris Bucholz version of a mall cop movie if and only if Jay Chandrasekhar was in it though.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Please go watch Observe and Report. i depend on cracked for all my pop culture knowledge so that means you guys have got to be right about stuff (cause my shits improtant yo). O&R is a great film…one of the darker “comedies” i have ever seen. you laugh the same way you laughed during pulp fiction (cause you didn’t ecpect that kid to get shot in the head mid sentence).
Also….I think the movie Twilight was made to make fun of the books…i mean i was really high when i watched it…but i laughed the entire time and i am pretty sure that they wanted us to. seriously….watch it and get back to me….it was suppossed to be insulting to the author because she is a borderline functional retard…right?
April 14th, 2009 at 10:41 am
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April 14th, 2009 at 10:40 am
dude…
that would be hilarious….
April 14th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I enjoyed this article, but to be honest, Observe and Report was one of the funniest fucking movies I’ve ever seen. Not THE funniest, but up there. While it does have a few cliches, it would be hard not to, and the majority of the jokes aren’t based on them. I’d recommend it to just about anyone.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:20 am
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April 14th, 2009 at 10:16 am
When I saw the preview for the second mall cop movie I was REALLY confused. It looked exactly like the first one with a different actor, I didn’t think it was even possible.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Now I kinda want to see one of those movies just to see if you were right…
April 14th, 2009 at 9:43 am
As a Bangladeshi-American, I gotta say that Syed Chowdhury guy sounds like a total badass… I would def. go see that movie
April 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
We think you’re on to something Mr. Bucholz. We’d love to look at any scripts you may have written in the past as further writing samples but honestly, the story beats you’ve already worked out here are probably good enough for us. We’ll call your people to set a lunch.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:17 am
i hope seth rogen doesnt end up like other hollywood celebrities,
joining a cult like scientology and adopting babies from africa as a new fashion statement
April 14th, 2009 at 9:06 am
If this film about Syed was made, I would so go and see it in the cinema. Unless I was busy, or couldn’t be bothered, but I would definately then buy the DVD, or just download it. uTorrent FTW.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Observe and Report was infinitely better than Mall Cop (although being infinitely better than zero is not saying much). Mall Cop hit each and every cliche and pandered to the lowest common denominator of moviegoers.
Observe and Report still had a lot of cliches going on, but was actually enjoyable to me because it had a darker, offbeat tone and was a bit like watching the movie ‘taxi driver’ (which is an excellent movie, i’m not comparing the two quality-wise) with a Mall Cop.
But yeah, Hollywood needs to chill the heck out and find some new ideas.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Who the hell is this Sayed people keep posting about? Seriously dude, start using freetranslation.com to write your articles, or use your Canadian magic to make me understand what you’re saying.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I’d probably put more stock in the bible if it WERE on the back of a fruity pebbles box, rhank.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Nice, Bucholz.
The problem with a lot of comedies today is they confuse funny with awkward and depressing. Seth Rogen movies are notorious for this. You spend every ‘funny’ moment just feeling uncomfortable.. like you’re stuck at dinner party with a couple who are arguing about how the husband had an affair.
Cohen Bros movies are formulaic? Lol! Tell me you were trying to be ironic.
I leave every Cohen’s brothers movie wonder WTF just happened (in a good way).
April 14th, 2009 at 8:49 am
I’m sorry, but everyone who thinks Observe & Report is a formulaic mall cop movie is wrong. It’s an extremely dark comedy. The movie took every cliche up there and made them just as fucked up as the Sayed movie. And if you are tired of Seth Rogen and his typecast role as the lovable fat guy, then you’ll be happy to find out that he pretty much plays a psycho.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:47 am
What mall in Spokane has the Sears with the after hours fat swingers club
(the women prefer the term BBW, thank you very much) is there a cover charge? Or is there a password to get in? Do you have to present a recent clean bill of health( no STDs) to get in? What is the ratio of men to women there?
Understand I’m not asking for me, uh…..uh…. kingmonkey wanted to know.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Congrats you have just written an awesome movie that someone is probably stealing from you right now.
Seth Rogen is f*ing funny but Pineapple Express sucked ass.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:22 am
And Micheal Swaim is our first pick for “Friendly Mike”. Although, I am guessing the role is not a far stretch for him. Hell, I don’t think he would know he is even in a movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I am a film student, and we are so making this movie
April 14th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Watch it Cracked, O&R was one of the funniest, most intriguing movies all year and judging it on the shitty previews would be like trying to guess what the bible was about if it was in a fruity pebbles box.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:03 am
That actually sounds like a really good fucking movie. I’m impressed.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:00 am
The lead-up to your list is much funnier than the actual list. It is not humorous to randomly pick common bits of movies, apply them to the current topic and then say they suck. I do find the suggestions vaguely interesting, but not funny; they are like you attempted some dead baby humor and fell horribly flat.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:00 am
bucholz tuesday
April 14th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Even though I liked where you went with this, it seems you turned a shitty formulaic Rogen movie into a shitty formulaic Cohen Bros movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Seth Rogan movies are NEVER funny.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Bucholz you SON OF A BITCH i am from bangladesh, how dare you
anyhoo, good article, but you forgot to add one thing, syed probably saves up enough money to buy 7 stores
i knew this bangladeshi guy who worked a minimum job and saved enough and invested his money and made millions
interestingly enough all the girls who fucked with him socially then really wanted to fuck him because got rich
April 14th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Well, at least it was unpredictable. And not that “twist” crap that you can see coming a mile away.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:06 am
dammit bucholz, if hollywood reads this then they’ll use this formula and create a new mall cop film
April 14th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Linking to 11points.com at the very beginning of this post might’ve been the most dangerous thing you’ve done in a while, considering the lists seem to be the most interesting thing on this website. Just putting it out there.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:59 am
*weeps quietly*
April 14th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Actually, that’s not Anna Farris at all, I’m an idiot.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I think Mall Cop with Kevin James is getting a bad rap because it’s being billed as a comedy. It’s just in the wrong genre. It should really be sold as SciFi thriller mystery. I mean you have Kevin James, which is the creepy, stalker psycho. You have the dumb blonde victim, played by Anna Farris. And then you have the bad guys, which are essentially evil, human versions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Friendly Mike = Michael Swaim?
April 14th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Holy crap, this is like guerrilla marketing for the third mall cop movie of the year.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:38 am
So it’s settled. You’re going to write the Syed movie. Got it?
April 14th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Observe and Report was consistantly more shocking (and funnier) than any of those jokes.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:28 am
I’m sorry, but the obscure film just sounds like a really dark independant movie on very bad drugs.
Hilarious.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Thanks you for addressing this issue. I would just like to add that “Observe and Report” is one of the worst movie title that I have ever heard, especially for a comedy.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:19 am
The trailers for Observe & Report completely misrepresent the movie. You got a couple of the minor points right by accident, but it’s the funniest movie I’ve seen in a long, long time.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Oh, and I REALLY want to see someone make the movie with Syed
April 14th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Yeah, studios have done this for years. I think Xony hit it on the head; Tombstone and Wyatt Earp are the most blatant in my eyes, but there’s Speed and Blown Away also.
In fact, I even remember two identical B-ish movies that came out at the same time and had plots very similar to Mr. Bucholz’s Mall Cop movie! One was called “Very Bad Things”, and the other was “Stag”.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Haha your version with Syed sounds like something I would actually pay money to see.
April 14th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Haven’t been out to a movie in 5 years, but would totally stand in line for Syed!
April 14th, 2009 at 6:04 am
So, isn’t this just the latest example of the studios ripping each other off? How about: Tombstone (1993) vs. Wyatt Earp (1994), Antz(1998) vs. Bugs Life (1998), Finding Nemo (2003) vs. Shark Tale (2004)……I’m sure there are more we could come up with….
C
April 14th, 2009 at 5:57 am
holy sh*t. Type up that treatment and send it out STAT! You could get an Indie Spirit for it or even a prize at Cannes.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:46 am
I couldn’t understand a word you typed…did you write this in Canadian?
April 14th, 2009 at 5:40 am
According to Youtube comments, Observe & Report is awesome, so sorry, I’m going with those guys.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I have no plans of ever seeing either of these movies, as I, also, heard about them and immediately knew the whole plot of both movies.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:37 am
I just saw the trailer for Observe and Report and it seems to have more in common with Taxi Driver than with that Kevin James movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:31 am
“fuck you”
April 14th, 2009 at 5:30 am
There’s a bar in my town called Friendly Mike’s
April 14th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Yeah sorry, gotta say observe and report was pretty awesome. The Kevin James movie sucked. It’s really really fucked up. I’d tell anyone who likes this site to see it.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Saw the trailer for that Seth Rogan tumor the other day.
I love America, I really do, you know? Which is why it is so… DISTRESSING when you see something like that and go; “…Ohhhhhh, so THAT’S why the Muslims hate us. Yeah, I get it now!”
April 14th, 2009 at 5:18 am
I’ll give you that the Kevin James one is more than likely retarded, but the other one has Seth Rogen and Seth Rogen movies are always funny. Whoever says otherwise is a huge fucktard.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Write this screenplay ASAP
April 14th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Cracked failed this time, as Observe and Report is actually a very good movie. It’s just not a comedy, it was advertised horribly.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:54 am
How about a scene of numerous failed attempts to revive the dead wife, who choked on semen or something? Imagine the Heimlich maneuver here, and mouth to mouth… Hilarity.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:51 am
I would only see this movie if Friendly Mike was played by Burt Reynolds, and Syed was played by that dude from the Indian version of Thriller. This, of course, would require it to be a musical.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Man this’d be hilarious. Write this screenplay, Bucholz!
April 14th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Basically you have described a heartwarming cross between Sweeney Todd, Mall Cop, and the home video of myself and your grandmother.
Well played, sir.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Be glad it’s not like that time not too long ago where we got a horde of CG animal movies. And, granted, they are still being made, but it was a time where they appeared way too close together, seeming like that’s the only children’s film people could make. I’m fairly sure some of these movies are worth your time, but since I own Wall-E, there’s practically no need to see such films anymore. Or ANY FILM EVER.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:38 am
I like your movie idea way better than any of Seth Rogen’s movies about him getting with hot women. He’s so overrated, man. I also have not and will not see either movie, and am convinced they both suck.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Wow, you should make this. Pauley Shore needs the money. It’s based on the life of Pauley Shore right?
April 14th, 2009 at 4:32 am
How about fat streaker runs at the hot chick to rape her, then fat mall cop comes from behind and shoots him in the chest leaving a huge bloody mess? Or mall cop can’t make it as a real cop because he has crippling psychosis that makes him ultimately stand off against 30 cops in his mall after hours who beat the living shit out of him? OOOR how about mall cop gets wasted, snorts blow, does heroin, then beats the fuck out of some little kids with skateboards?
oh wait that all happens.
observe and report is fucking scary.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:29 am
I think I would actually pay to the the “not obvious” movie.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:29 am
I want to see the Syed movie. And the disturbing videos friendly Mike produced…
April 14th, 2009 at 4:27 am
That was awseome……
April 14th, 2009 at 4:27 am
I dont know what is worst: that is funny or that it reminds me of my neighbor. I hope they do a movie like that.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:24 am
When is this Syed movie coming out then?
April 14th, 2009 at 4:10 am
That was… umm… kind of disturbing.