How to Take Naked Pictures of People
Sad pervert news this week I'm afraid, Cracked readers. Congressman Peter King has put forward a bill that will require all camera phones to make a "tone or other sound" every time they take a picture. This would serve to warn anyone nearby that a picture has been taken, thus thwarting the attempts of amateur underpants documentarians to take pictures surreptitiously of ladies or attractive children.
All kidding about felonies aside, those are reasonable grounds for the passage of such a law. In fact, they're so reasonable, that I doubt them immediately. So I'm going to go ahead and question Congressman King's motives for presenting this bill. I've got no evidence or reason for doing this, but you know, hey, it's the Internet. So here we go: Congressman King is passing this bill because he doesn't want people looking at him naked. What could you be hiding under there Congressman? ARE YOU TWO MIDGETS SITTING ON ONE ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS? IS THAT IT?
Look at them, sitting there, scheming their tiny little schemes.
And it's because of that premise, and also because Cracked does not endorse any type of illegal activity at all (unless it's hilarious,) that I'm not going to write an article about how to take pictures of attractive young ladies on the bus. Even if they are asking for it by using mass transit like dirty little whores. Instead I'm going to write an article about how to take pictures of Congressman Peter King without his clothes on. And you're going to read it. You're actually like a third of the way done already. Kudos!
How to Take Pictures of Congressman Peter King without his clothes on.
Conceal a web cam in an area where Congressman Peter King is likely to get naked. A change room at a gym, the upstairs shower in his home, a barn.
Use a cell phone camera, but make a loud covering noise to drown out the camera when you take a picture of Congressman Peter King. Again obviously you'll need to be in an area where he's likely to be naked (Turkish Bath.) For the sound itself, a cough works well here, as does a fart, or a noisy disavowal of the ownership of a previous fart.
Offer Congressman Peter King money to pose naked. If he refuses, offer him more money. Repeat. This will work with almost everyone actually, often sooner than you may think. Everyone has their price, and it has been empirically determined that most legislators price will be between 400 and 500 dollars - more in election years.
Use X-Ray Specs. Does anyone have any old Cracked back issues and is willing to see whether we ever offered these back in the days when Cracked was a physical journal of intellectual curiosities instead of the shallow electric cesspool it is today? I don't think it'll work anymore, but if anyone wants to send me 50 Proof of Purchases for the web site, I'll see if I can send you something that you can pretend allows you to see rude titties.
Offer him a role in an arty flick. Make vague talk about Oscar potential if he acts out with his sack out.* Observe that this is exactly how Gwyneth Paltrow got her Oscar, being sure to explain that the actual scene with her sack was cut when the film ran long.
*According to Google, I just invented that phrase. How bout that? Check out this guy! (If anyone else has also invented it, I am willing to split any residuals with you, once we figure out how to monetize this bitch. Call my people.)
During a torrid inter-class love affair aboard a doomed vessel, ask to render a charcoal drawing of Congressman Peter King in the nude. Upon its completion, reveal that you are a pervert and run off.
Get a shiny piece of metal or mirror, and fabricate it into a round shape, ideally concave. Attach a thick black strap to it, and fasten it to your head. Put on a white lab coat. Now disguised as a doctor, enter the congressman's doctor office, and incapacitate the staff in the usual manner. When the congressman comes in for an examination, ask him to disrobe. Take a moment to drink it all in. Mumble something about needing to take a biopsy, then snap several pictures with a Polaroid before revealing yourself as a pervert and scampering away.
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And that's about it, or at least all I could come up with without needing to retain a lawyer. On a final note, significant by its absence in the text of the bill is any reference to what "sound" a camera phone should make. Most commentators have assumed that it will be a shutter sound like on an old caveman camera. My personal vote would be for an enormous "BOING!" sound. You know, something that will hang in the air for a couple seconds, quivering like a fat man on a trampoline. How about you? What sound do you think all cameras should make?
Major lulz at the velociraptor under the lady's clothes.
ReplyI think it should play the pokemon catch jingle (*click* da da daa dadadada dadaa) and then go on to play the song it plays while the pokedex updates repeatedly, only stopping when the phone is turned off. Not only would this be hilariously annoying, it would also stop those people who take pictures of absolutely everything (read as teenage girls).
ReplyThe sound of gunshots, obviously. Or alternatively, an excessively loud *Fapping* noise. Let them KNOW...
ReplyAll cameras should play If I Ever Die by Candlemass to its completion at the same volume as a jet. Taking another picture should play the song again, at the same time
ReplyPeter King?
ReplyThat's a porn name, right?
I think there's some merit in using a sound byte from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask...you know, "Hey!" "Lookit!"
ReplyI spent a year in j*pan, where this is already a law. Anyone want to claim that it has curtailed the number of upskirt pics coming from that bastion of sexual enlightenment? Also, this would only be feasible on cheap phones; anyone with a smartphone is going to be able to disable it. My jailbroken iphone can reject calls from a user defined blacklist, you think I can't disable a sound effect?
ReplyI don't think Pete has any worries about anyone wanting to see him unclothed, let alone photograph this traumatizing experience. Nobody wants to see his droopy ratbag, or his shriveled, malformed teenis, goatse is way more appealing. In fact that's probably him in the goatse photo... He has repeatedly proven himself to be a HUGE a*****e.. No wonder he is being such a douche about all of this...
Replyit should go "mah lolcamera's goin click click click click click click."
Replyshould make a sound like a middle aged child molester exhaling
Reply"I think it should be Michael Ironside’s gravelly voice announcing 'I saw your titties.'"
ReplyHoly shit, someone give this man a job in the camera industry. He's the kind of genius that the industry needs to stop not making money. I will happily kill any and all of your enemies if you hire this man.
"During a torrid inter-class love affair aboard a doomed vessel..."
ReplyThat one took me a second, but three seconds later when I got it, I nearly shot coffee out of my nose.
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
Replythrow "act out with your sack out" on a shirt
ReplyAderas: The "usual manner" is of course showing them pictures of Peter King naked. It's like looking at Medusa, they turn to stone. Just tell him that when you replaced the doctor he took it out on you by putting up creepy statues of himself and his staff.
ReplyImma clickin' mah shutter! SHOOP DA WOOOOOOP!
ReplyI think it should be Michael Ironside's gravelly voice announcing "I saw your titties."
ReplySame phrase, but I would prefer if Jeremy Irons said it.
hi
ReplyPervert. Well at least i get to see his fucking dick-sack.
Replyit should be something loong and irritating. Maybe you should get a choice of either stupid sounds or sentences that r sure to get u fucked up. And it should all be played at several decibles higher that a 3 year olds happy scream of excitement. Really! this is a good idea. Imagine if every camera made a loud and distinct sound like an elephant calling to his group or a male swans trumphet. Or if the other option were phrases like, "Damn ur fat!" or "man, ur hideous but i cant take my eyes off u! Or my personal favorite: "That right! im trying to catch u in the act and turn this pic in for a reward!" Cud u imagine how phucking quick they wud totally drop that law from existence? With my ideas, id give it a week and everyone in the country will finally unite on something for the bettr good....killing that bill!
Replyoh and Congressman Peter King wud prabubly have his home burnt down, his town rioted, and his dick irreplacably btchered. So theres always that plus.....