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How to Take Naked Pictures of People

Sad pervert news this week I'm afraid, Cracked readers. Congressman Peter King has put forward a bill that will require all camera phones to make a "tone or other sound" every time they take a picture. This would serve to warn anyone nearby that a picture has been taken, thus thwarting the attempts of amateur underpants documentarians to take pictures surreptitiously of ladies or attractive children.

All kidding about felonies aside, those are reasonable grounds for the passage of such a law. In fact, they're so reasonable, that I doubt them immediately. So I'm going to go ahead and question Congressman King's motives for presenting this bill. I've got no evidence or reason for doing this, but you know, hey, it's the Internet. So here we go: Congressman King is passing this bill because he doesn't want people looking at him naked. What could you be hiding under there Congressman? ARE YOU TWO MIDGETS SITTING ON ONE ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS? IS THAT IT?

Look at them, sitting there, scheming their tiny little schemes.

And it's because of that premise, and also because Cracked does not endorse any type of illegal activity at all (unless it's hilarious,) that I'm not going to write an article about how to take pictures of attractive young ladies on the bus. Even if they are asking for it by using mass transit like dirty little whores. Instead I'm going to write an article about how to take pictures of Congressman Peter King without his clothes on. And you're going to read it. You're actually like a third of the way done already. Kudos!

How to Take Pictures of Congressman Peter King without his clothes on.

Conceal a web cam in an area where Congressman Peter King is likely to get naked. A change room at a gym, the upstairs shower in his home, a barn.

Use a cell phone camera, but make a loud covering noise to drown out the camera when you take a picture of Congressman Peter King. Again obviously you'll need to be in an area where he's likely to be naked (Turkish Bath.) For the sound itself, a cough works well here, as does a fart, or a noisy disavowal of the ownership of a previous fart.

Offer Congressman Peter King money to pose naked. If he refuses, offer him more money. Repeat. This will work with almost everyone actually, often sooner than you may think. Everyone has their price, and it has been empirically determined that most legislators price will be between 400 and 500 dollars - more in election years.

Use X-Ray Specs. Does anyone have any old Cracked back issues and is willing to see whether we ever offered these back in the days when Cracked was a physical journal of intellectual curiosities instead of the shallow electric cesspool it is today? I don't think it'll work anymore, but if anyone wants to send me 50 Proof of Purchases for the web site, I'll see if I can send you something that you can pretend allows you to see rude titties.

Offer him a role in an arty flick. Make vague talk about Oscar potential if he acts out with his sack out.* Observe that this is exactly how Gwyneth Paltrow got her Oscar, being sure to explain that the actual scene with her sack was cut when the film ran long.

*According to Google, I just invented that phrase. How bout that? Check out this guy! (If anyone else has also invented it, I am willing to split any residuals with you, once we figure out how to monetize this bitch. Call my people.)

During a torrid inter-class love affair aboard a doomed vessel, ask to render a charcoal drawing of Congressman Peter King in the nude. Upon its completion, reveal that you are a pervert and run off.

Get a shiny piece of metal or mirror, and fabricate it into a round shape, ideally concave. Attach a thick black strap to it, and fasten it to your head. Put on a white lab coat. Now disguised as a doctor, enter the congressman's doctor office, and incapacitate the staff in the usual manner. When the congressman comes in for an examination, ask him to disrobe. Take a moment to drink it all in. Mumble something about needing to take a biopsy, then snap several pictures with a Polaroid before revealing yourself as a pervert and scampering away.

__

And that's about it, or at least all I could come up with without needing to retain a lawyer. On a final note, significant by its absence in the text of the bill is any reference to what "sound" a camera phone should make. Most commentators have assumed that it will be a shutter sound like on an old caveman camera. My personal vote would be for an enormous "BOING!" sound. You know, something that will hang in the air for a couple seconds, quivering like a fat man on a trampoline. How about you? What sound do you think all cameras should make?

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