How to Get a Teenage Girl Pregnant
In an article in Time magazine last week, a high school principle in a small town explained his school's high pregnancy by saying that a group of girls had made a pact to get pregnant together. Surprisingly, this unleashed a smidge of a media furor, of the sort that only the hint of illicit teenage sex can unleash. "Oral sex amongst teens drops in popularity" the headlines screamed, I presume. "Teen sex: More babies, less fisting" they continued, again, in my mind.
For some reason (a sudden influx of oily guys with camcorders?) the mayor of the town has reacted vociferously to the story, claiming that there is no independent evidence of a pregnancy pact. But the fact that 17 girls in a school all got pregnant within a year is undeniable. Everyone following the story is asking the same question: how else could so many teenage girls get pregnant so suddenly?
Yet a followup article by Time, backs the original story, finding more evidence of hot, taut, pre-planned teen pregnancy. Most notably, many of the girls in question were reportedly extremely happy when they heard the positive results of their pregnancy tests, and reacted with high fives, fist bumps and impromptu demonstrations of the 'Soul'ja Boy.'
Much as it pains me to say something sensible, I have to side with the media in expressing my distaste here. I'm no prude, but I feel really uncomfortable with the concept of girls making a pact to have babies together, for any purpose other than racing them. Some have suggested that the recent film Juno and high profile teenage moms like Jamie Lynn Spears are to blame for this new found desire amongst teenage girls to get knocked up. Personally I reject that easy answer, instead choosing another, easier one: I blame the girls, for the twin crimes of being stupid and fertile.
A more grounded observer might also lay some of the blame on teenage boys, the presumed fathers of the children, and a demographic not known for being terribly mindfull of the eventual destionation(s) or effects of their sperm. (As an example, at one point during my youthful, peak years of fertility, I believe I got a golf club head cover pregnant.) Yet the articles I've read only mention the teenage fathers in passing. They instead focus more attention on claims by local authorities that some of the fathers were in their mid twenties, one of them possibly homeless.Yikes. Who knew there was such a thing as a homeless pedophile? How do they get on to Myspace?
If I can conclude this with some kind words and guidance (probably not), I'd like to direct a message to any teenagers who are reading this. Kids, I speak from experience: no matter what the cool kids tell you, sleeping with a homeless guy is not the way to become popular.
And for the internet enabled homeless people reading this: Dudes. Not cool. We've all been there, ok? We've all been homeless before, and we've all been asked by a teenage girl to impregnate her. These are all just normal aspects of growing up. But by the same token, we've all had to find the maturity within us to look that girl in the eye and say "What are you, a cop?"
I too know this from experience. But if youre a teenager or a young guy and you have a naked teenage girl infront of you who wants sex you aren't gonna say "oh no thanks". As soon as she is on you nothing else matters to you. All logic and common sense goes out the door. Once theyre on we become weak and stupid. You just have to hope for the best. Its hard to fight mother nature. There are some things you wish you could stop but just cant.
ReplyIt's like MTV's "16 & Pregnant"
ReplyBy the way, every time one of the girls says "This is so much harder than I thought it would be," you have to take a drink, :D
In my soph**ore year of high school there were 25 pregnant girls waddling around. Our school only houses about 350 students. There was no pact, we just have a lot of whores in my town!
ReplyOn an unrelated note, we also had 15 pairs of identical twins. I think it's the water.
That's hilarious. Soph**ore was bleeped.
This is the second word that cracked has told me about that has a funnier word inside of it. Thanks cracked!
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Reply"No you may not has my cheezburger."
ReplyMy brain only processed one line of this article and it has left me gasping with laughter.
well really abstinence education is actually teaching teen-agers about sex (if they didn't already know about it). so it's like giving sombody a doughnut and telling them not to eat it.
ReplyOnce the due date has passed and there
ReplyI can't believe you did an article involving my hometown and I missed it. Then again, the overwhelming shame of being a Gloucester resident during the scandal caused me to block out huge chunks of '08, so it's entirely possible I did read this before. I seriously miss the days when we were known solely for The Perfect Storm. The storm itself sucked, but it brought us tourism and George Clooney, so it wasn't all bad.
ReplyGloucester's a very boring town to grow up in, and so traditionally kids have had two options for entertainment: A) Develop the ability to be endlessly amused by shiny things, alternative music, and accessories made of duct tape or B) Get drunk and stoned off your ass. I really hoped that when our youth evolved enough to add a third option that it would be something innocuous like competitive stencil graffiti or cool like robot wars. But no, the third option is apparently getting knocked up by homeless dudes and becoming a burden on society. Great choice, girls. We could have ALL enjoyed battling robots, but instead now we just have squealing babies to spend our tax money on.
LAME.
I WISH I COULD FUCK A GIRL AND GET HER PREGGO
ReplyI feel sorry for you my friend. Hopefully by now you have reached your goal.
Life is an STD and the mortality rate is 100%.
ReplyBut seriously, what dipshit goes out and get pregnant (on purpose) when they are 16 or 17? That has to be one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. I'm a girl, but I would think that the guys would have enough common sense to be a tad worried, those girls could go back to them any day of the week and demand child support. I guess guys don't really have the ability to think that far in the ahead when presented with a naked teenager. Oh well.
Seriously, WTF?! Are they out of their fucking MINDS?! They just fucked up their lives and for what? Friends? DIPSHITS!
When I was a teenage boy first having sex, it was such an overwhelming experience that logic and reason went right out the window. And she got pregnant (possibly by me, to be honest), and she decided on an abortion, and I paid for it and I got my mom let her stay with us for that weekend even though she was "sick."
In short, we were dumb as hell and were only saved from an early end to our youth by modern medicine and her willingness to endure severe discomfort.
Now I was raised by a VERY feminist mother, a real middle-American Gloria Steinem. In retrospect, I think the respect and even reverence she taught me for women has even been socially crippling. But when I saw that girl's boobies all other issues evaporated, and by the time we'd preceded to the mutual nether rubbing, it was like evolution was in the driver's seat. Or maybe my upbringing lead me to believe that all women knew what they were doing at all times, and I was therefore absolved of any responsibility.
Anyhow, my point is that neither "manly" nor feminist households seem to have figured out how to raise boys to show self restraint when it comes to sex. The only solution I can currently think of would involve thrice-weekly sleepovers in the school gym, a staff of prostitues, and a truckload of condoms.
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Replythank you, Yoda
i need more sexy and hot grils, therefore it is my favortes choice. if some lady to ike hot sexsy with me i shuld be guald and funny in my life............?
ReplyYou sick bastard, you have sex with grills at Home Depo?!
Pregnancy is an STD.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesbesides the disease and transmitted which implies that the man had pregnancy and got the woman affected with it.
Yes, this is not a very good analogy...
In fact, it's rather terrible and nonsensical.
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ReplyHoly shit, karmakaze... that's practically the origin of Arseface in the Preacher comics! (Except it was Kurt Cobain's suicide that sparked that fictional intant.)
ReplyPeople do this all the time, they just usually do it in their late 20s so no-one notices.
ReplyA stupider pact? How about this one:
Reply"The essential facts of the case are not in dispute. After smoking marijuana and drinking beer while listening to songs from several Judas Priest albums, Mr. Belknap and Mr. Vance agreed to a suicide pact, went to a nearby church playground, and shot themselves in the head with a 12-gauge shotgun.
Mr. Belknap, 18 years old at the time, died instantly. Mr. Vance, then age 20, destroyed most of his face but survived, underwent several painful and costly reconstructive surgical operations, became a born-again Christian, lapsed back into drug consumption, and died late in 1988."
Seems far stupider than pregnancy I say - you can adopt out an unwanted child, but you cant put your brain back in your head after you blow it out with a 12 gauge.
I agree with Dan.
Replyits a simple fact that people are fucking stupid. I cant find it hard to believe that a large group of teenage girls were retarded enough to to want to get pregnant, let alone promise they would all do it together like some batshit insane cult. if you look at the general public youll notice that they worship celebraties like they are golden cows sent from heaven or something. Look at these role models they have. Society is warped, its going to eat itself from the inside.
ReplyThat is such a baffling story that I'm having trouble thinking of anything super witty to say.
ReplyIntentionally ruining your life and a brand new one isn't a group activity. If you want to have fun with your friends, that's what slumber parties are for.