If you’re like me, Valentine’s Day’s approach means one thing: Your bank account is about to take a hit and several lucky ladies are about to know the joy of a 15 minute bump and grind session from the greatest lover the city bus system has to offer. Okay, so I guess it means two things.
But the fact remains, in these troubled economic times, I’m no longer able to lavish Valentine’s Day gifts upon my gaggle of female companions. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation: They miss the oils, diamonds and wine-soaked furs to which they’ve become accustomed, I’m out a series of increasingly brief lovemaking sessions and the city has been cheated of the substantial revenue that would be generated by the court fees involved in the ensuing paternity suits.
That’s why I’ve put together this guide. Here are the secret ingredients to the perfect recession-proof Valentine’s Day date. Learn how to sweep her off her feet without living on the street! How to get your guy primed without spending a dime! How to romance and do the no-pants dance while managing a refinance!
It’s a simple system I call:
Is This Guide For You?
First of all, we must determine whether the strategies in this guide are suited to you and your lifestyle. Of the following sets of items, use a sharpie to circle which most applies to you. Please refrain from scrolling the page while taking the test, as that may invalidate your selections.
A. You wear patches on your elbows out of necessity rather than stodgy affectation.
B. You once delivered a Valentine’s Day gift with a helicopter and a modified horse-harness.
A. You’re reading this on a gas-powered computer by lamplight.
B. You can watch Lexus commercials where people put bows on new cars and park them in front of their date’s house without saying “oh yeah, right, sure, good.”
A. You consider love more precious than any earthly possession.
B. You consider every day Valentine’s Day, in the sense that you use money to get sex all the time.
If you selected mostly A’s, then a mixed congratulations is in order! This is the perfect guide for you, and you’ve probably eaten out of a dumpster for non-dare related reasons in the last month.
If you selected mostly B’s, I’m sorry. You and your virile stock portfolio should look elsewhere for sex. May I suggest any bar, coffee shop or Internet dating website in the world?
My Patented System
Many so-called “love gurus” will try and tell you that the secret to finding lasting happiness in your relationship is communication and mutual respect and admiration. These people are lying to you, all in order to line the pockets of the greeting card corporations that sponsor them.
Think about it: Who is the world’s most admirable person? Most would agree Marie Curie. And who is known as an impressive and powerful communicator? Adolf Hitler. Yet their brief romance in 1928 ended in tragedy, heartbreak and the devising of a powerful Nazi super-weapon.
The true index of a relationship’s stability is a healthy flow of money and gifts, which I will collectively abbreviate as “love” for the remainder of this guide. But what if a sagging economy has deprived you of most, or all of your “love,” or even the stockpiles of mild affection you had squirreled away in offshore accounts? Then you’ve got to focus on a big, showy expression of your devotion once a year, and that annual bank transaction is fast approaching.
But don’t panic. By thinking creatively, and practicing what I call “lossless replacement,” you can wow your date without having to then sell their organs to pay rent.
Simply take a traditional Valentine’s Day date scenario (for example, a candlelit dinner at a French restaurant) and replace it with a more cost-effective, but equally romantic substitute (for example, a handful of complimentary mints and some road flares).
This will give your date the impression of an adventurous, thoughtful Valentine’s Day experience while simultaneously projecting an air of craftiness, resourcefulness and financial prudence.
Here are some more examples to get you started:
And so forth. By the time you’ve exhausted even half of these possibilities, you’ll be several years into marriage and it will be too late for your significant other to rethink their decision.
Now, all you need to do is sink your claws into them and hang on as you slide towards a miserly retirement and lonely death.
But at least you’ll have your precious money! Happy Valentine’s Day!
*NOTE: This guide is not to be confused with “Fuck For A Buck: Becoming A Bargain Prostitute” or “Fuck For A Buck: Seducing Ten-Point Elks,” neither of which I endorse or condone.
This entry was posted on Thursday, February 5th, 2009 at 7:00 am and is filed under Guides, The Recession, valentines day. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
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May 26th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Ha!
You would think that they world have OK’d it at the beginning instead of allowing it to go so long without saying a thing and then bringing it back up when it was too late. I don’t understand it at all. Extenze
February 25th, 2009 at 6:52 am
marie curie as most admirable person? Maybe most irradiated person as I find many people don’t know who she is.
February 20th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
A Quatrain
———
If you have no money
On Valentine’s day,
Consider becoming
A woman or gay.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:43 am
seriously, i took the advice concerning what i should do for my boyfriend on Valentines Day and really…it saved me a TON of money.
February 14th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
“If my boyfriend suggested staying in on valentines and playing Mario Kart or maybe Soul Calibur, that would be my valentines made!”
I hear ya there sister. That would be a nice V day for me as well ^_^
February 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Who cares? What’s love got to do with this anyway?
February 12th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com___,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.
i am wrong.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:44 am
“Instead of getting him a wallet, jacket, watch or anything else, try putting his junk in your mouth.”
It’s the perfect gift for the man who has everything. Or the man who has nothing. Or the man who has a few things.
I’m not a big fan of Valentines day. If you really love me, you’ll buy me stuff everyday. Like DVD’s and CD’s and records and funny t shirts. If you buy me flowers I will hate you.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
[...] Fuente | Cracked [...]
February 10th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Be still my heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day, or “Singles Awareness Day”, as I call it.
February 9th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Fuck teri…
I read it.
February 8th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
read this
February 8th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
my name is john
i want love
February 8th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Mildly useful
February 8th, 2009 at 9:50 am
@ It’s a me-
If my boyfriend suggested staying in on valentines and playing Mario Kart or maybe Soul Calibur, that would be my valentines made!
February 8th, 2009 at 9:35 am
S wearing
W ill
A lways
I mpress
M ongoloids
February 7th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
S cantily-clad
W ookies
A ren’t
I deal
M ates
February 7th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
“Instead of getting him a wallet, jacket, watch or anything else, try putting his junk in your mouth.”
That seems to be a good fix for most situations when it comes to women, lol. Not that im complaining.
February 7th, 2009 at 8:25 am
These instructions were so thorough I thought that Bucholz was writing them for a second…possibly more than a second…maybe even until I got down to the end and saw your name, Swaim.
It might be an important corollary that I’ve been drinking my body weight in rum for the past few hours though…
Either way, great article–whoever the hell wrote it.
February 6th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Could I just take this opportunity to declare my love for the Swaim? Thank you darlings.
PS. I am on some heavy codeine shit but I’m into the ties.
February 6th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
“In Japan on Valentine’s Day the women give the men a present (usually something marshmallow), and guys don’t have to come out of pocket for squat.”
Women give men dark chocolate and then men give the women white chocolate about a month later. If your boss is male and you’re female, you HAVE to give them chocolate, but only nice bosses return the favour!
February 6th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Once again you rock Michael, happy valentines day you foxy bastard.
February 6th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Luckily I don’t need any of this wonderful, classy advice because I’m horribly, horribly single! Out of choice, you understand, obviously I’m beating men off with a stick on a daily basis…….*supressed sob*
And is it just me, or did anybody else read the third paragraph and hear it in their heads in Swaim’s 1920’s “Smilin’ Bob” pimp voice?
February 6th, 2009 at 2:40 am
WorkerMonkey
“In Japan on Valentine’s Day the women give the men a present (usually something marshmallow), and guys don’t have to come out of pocket for squat.”
You’re right, but the guys are then expected to return the favor with something a lot better on White Day the following month. It does, however, give you time to conveniently plan a vacation. They can’t ask for a gift, if they can’t find you.
February 6th, 2009 at 1:23 am
I fuck whores for dinner
February 5th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
It’s spelled “Masturbating,” not “Masterbating,” you hopeless fucks.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
To hell with interstate wildflowers! Here’s what I do– Hang out at the cemetery near my place. I wait around until I see somebody arrive to visit a relative’s gravesite. Most of the time, these people will be bringing fresh flowers to their loved one. So I wait until they’ve left, which is usually never more than 20 minutes or so. Then, I run over, dig up the grave, and have hot sex with the corpse. Then I don’t need a girlfriend, and thus have no need for flowers!
February 5th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
If you want a source of free flowers, I recommend fresh graves.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Oh, and SmR: You just must not be very good at it.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Pretty spot on, but I think most women would see straight through the wildflowers trick. Spontaneity and non-traditional ideas are a big no-no.
Good thing you passed up on “give her one of those children’s Valentine cards with Disney characters” though. Light and flirty gives the impression that you don’t take her seriously.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Cute article. Oddly sweet, and strangely tall, just like the man himself.
I always run to Swaim when Gladstone beats me.
P.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Give your loved one a lightsaber for Valentine’s day. It will be most appreciated.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
“Instead of getting him a wallet, jacket, watch or anything else, try putting his junk in your mouth.”
Why women have it so easy on certain things in life? Well, ok the rest of the world is a male dominated world where we could make bad taste jokes about how they are sexual objects that could get out of many problems giving free sexual favors but… c’mon
February 5th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111
February 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@harej:
“You forgot an obvious way to please a girl on the cheap: oral sex.”
The difference is, given the choice between a wallet/sweater/watch/etc. and oral sex, a guy will almost invariably choose the latter. Girls…not so much. (Also, there’s no funny female equivalent to “put his junk in your mouth”.)
@Sprayette: That’s the Lord of the Hebrews- good old common sense. And damn good taste in television.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I misread the junk thing to “try putting his junk in his mouth”
Now that IS a Valentine’s gift.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@Sprayette
It is in the Bible.
Leviticus 12:42
And Moses Spoke unto the Israelites relaying what the Lord God had told him. “A woman in being so promised to a man in marriage, must set forth to please him. She may do this in one of two ways. She may either provide him with gifts of coin purses, robes, or sun dials so that he may flaunt these objects and lord them above the heads of those he does not like. Or she must place his junk in his mouth.” And so it was that women the world over became obsessed with shopping, and the Lord looked down upon his people and realized that it was not good…but “House” was on and the Lord was really hoping for some 13 Lesbian action, so’ith he did’ith nothing.
The word of the Lord.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
“Instead of getting him a wallet, jacket, watch or anything else, try putting his junk in your mouth.”
This advise should be in the bible or something
February 5th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Easier way to get flowers.
Pop down to a graveyard, or a church. Just take the flowers from there.
What? The dead don’t need flowers!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
So, is it a good idea if I take my gal home and spend the night watching Star Trek with her on this Valentine’s Day? Or should we play of Mario Kart on my Super Nintendo?
February 5th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
You forgot an obvious way to please a girl on the cheap: oral sex.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
C’mon, ppl, where’s your sense of competition? Stretch. Well thats nice is one up on, well, everybody.
Well Thats Nice Says:
February 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
S o
W hy
A m
I
M asterbating?
Let’s go:
S ome
W ill
A lways
I mitate
M e
February 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Finally! Some SWAIM. Although I’m feeling more and more like the lists are just an excuse for the introductions to the lists, which are consistently funnier. ASSHOLE.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
WorkerMonkey, if it’s from Japan, I expect it to be a giant transforming robot mashmallow with large eyes and speed lines!
February 5th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I found the perfect solution to the V-Day dilemma. I now date only Japanese girls. In Japan on Valentine’s Day the women give the men a present (usually something marshmallow), and guys don’t have to come out of pocket for squat.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Good guide…but where can I find the one on seducing elks? I’ve looked all over Amazon.com and can’t seem to find it.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
S o
W hy
A m
I
M asterbating?
February 5th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
[...] cracked.com hätte ein paar preisgünstige Vorschläge. Einen weißen Hengst per Helikopter? Na ja, warum nicht. Aber man(n) kann richtig das Näschen, das man(n) so sehr liebt, sehen, wie es sich kräuselt, und wenn sich der Rotorblatt-Sturm wieder gelegt hat, ‘sie’ einfach nur fragt: ‘Und, wo ist der Prinz dazu?’ [...]
February 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Is it just me, or have the Cracked bloggers stopped commenting on their own posts?
I don’t know about you, but I like a little bit of narcissism in my Cracked articles…
February 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
It was funny but it kind of petered out at the end.
Ah well. Maybe I’m just sleepy.
February 5th, 2009 at 10:56 am
very nice Swaim, good as usual!
February 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Instead of getting him a wallet, jacket, watch or anything else, try putting his junk in your mouth.
hahahahahahah seriously, i never asked for more! And its really cost efficient
February 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Very good!!
February 5th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I’ll reread this and laugh through my tears as I drink myself to sleep cold and alone this valentines day.
Swaim, the article was great, really top notch, but when I hit ’simply called fuck for a buck’ I nearly blew coffee out my nose.
February 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Delightfully absurd and, as Cherlindrea said, “Deliciously twisted”. Thank you, indeed, Swaim.
February 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Damn you, Swaim! Where were you one-and-a-half kidneys ago?
February 5th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Deliciously twisted. Thank you, Swaim!
February 5th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Dude, once again, you hit the mark (pounded the leather, for those of us using typing machines). Cracked should have a contest using your name as acronym, as you do so cleverly in your vids.
Here’s my entry:
S o,
W ho’s
A lways
I ntimidated:
M en
February 5th, 2009 at 8:43 am
@jokefail, the aroma of semi-decomposed plant material all adds to the environtment, imagine it as a free, natural aroma, instead of say, some expensive perfume.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I can give her nothing but my dreams
tread softly…. in case you trip over my massive genitalia
BAM!
February 5th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I didn’t say, should have been, just could have been. (Shhh!! You’re ruining it :P)
Honestly, I really enjoyed this article. I just have to tone down my Swaim-Love or Gladstone gets all jealous at me.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Dried leaves have the unfortunate tendency to crumble and get all up into some unpleasant places.
Don’t ask.
“the flower library.” haha
“Instead of getting him a wallet, …” haha & ha
February 5th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Very true,
it’s a simple yet poetic sentence, worthy of its own Hallmark card
February 5th, 2009 at 8:04 am
As Michael’s editor I have to disagree with you MJ-89. That makes the joke borderline incoherent. The way he has it is actually sort of perfect. Best line in an awesome column. I get to say that because I barely touched this one.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I think your last point could have just been:
“Instead of *insert anything you like here, it doesn’t matter at all*, try putting his junk in your mouth.”
February 5th, 2009 at 7:32 am
The maple leaf thing sounds like a good idea. The really bright and colorful ones are as pretty as flowers. They probably wouldn’t keep fresh until Valentine’s Day though. Not that I have anybody to give one to.