For the past year, lunatics have been buying up ad space around the Internet to tell us how stupid we are. Their banners are as ubiquitous as they are crazy-- optical illusions, broken English riddles, and fake email notifications that all lead to the same site-- OfficialIQquiz.com.
If you're stupid enough to click on one of their ads, you'll see that their IQ test is untimed and ten questions long. If these right now are letters to you and not a parade of meaningless shapes you're trying to eat, it's truly inconceivable that you could get one wrong. How many weeks are in a year? What's the chemical equation of water? How many teddy bears is one teddy bear? And when you're done, it texts you your results (which they say, no bullshit, varies on gender). This also signs you up for a monthly service that texts you "facts" for ten dollars a month. By now you're probably seeing that there's a secret, easier intelligence test hiding behind the first one.
So who would fall for this? Well, the site seems to be weeding out potential non-stupids with their ads. These are all wildly different, all categorically nuts, and all seem to have no idea what "I.Q." means. I can't tell if they were made by geniuses trying to find morons or morons trying to find advanced morons. I haven't ruled out that it's one rich madman trying to find someone smart enough to build him Spacebike and Spacebike Extreme. Luckily, I've been collecting them, so let's go through six of my favorites and see if we can't get to the bottom of it all.
If this is Photoshopped, let's hope it was done from a prison. This isn't an intelligence test, it's a genetic crime scene. It's the worst thing marketed to dumb people who think they're smart people since Frasier. If you email Human-Dog HYBRID to someone, all their houseplants die.
The Wrong Answer: Flight.
It doesn't matter if it's real or not. If it's real, run from it and all the small things that have parts of it in their mouths. If someone made this, then their hands and brain should be considered rapists. Every second you spend not fleeing is another twenty points off your IQ. You see how that Human-Dog baby-puppy on the left is dead? That's nature's way of telling you not to drink breast milk out of a fucking monstrosity. And it's a trap. Because it's not dead at all and now it's behind you and there's 15 of it. The Genius Answer: Fight.
You think this beast deserves your pity? Think again. Or better yet, don't. This is no time for thinking. It's time to correct what dog sperm got wrong. Human-Dog HYBRID is not to blame, but blame it. For everything. I just hope you have enough bullets left after it stops bleating to fire a few rounds into the heavens. May they strike whatever dark god allowed it.
Wow, Spider-Man has really let himself go.
The Wrong Answer: Six.
You unbelievable racist.
The Genius Answer: Hail Prince Insecto.
Lord Insecto, I can hear the gift of you inside my mind. I already feel my memories transforming themselves into fuckbeds for your larva. 2,3,4... not to change the subject, but it's six, right? I mean, it has to be.
What? Bet I can't do what right? Are you trying to see if I'm a replicant?
The Wrong Answer: Maybe?
There is a classic optical illusion where two silhouetted faces create the shape of a candlestick between them. This seems to be an advanced version of that where two faces create a candlestick and also have a mariachi band inside them. I imagine if you looked hard enough, there are probably a few wolves and a treasure map in there too. And all that's great, but I still don't know what about any of this makes anyone smart. Is it to see how well I can detect tiny Mexicans camouflaged among the elderly? How is that useful to me if I'm not a condor?
The Genius Answer: Oh, I get it.
Only 3.3% of people(?) get this question(?) right, which makes me think 3.3% of the population are insane in exactly the same way as the people who made these ads. Running that through a google search of "3.3%" and "mental disorder" indicates that 3.3 is the exact percent of volunteers at the National Institute of Mental Health who developed mental disorders from substance abuse. Coincidence? How else do you explain that questionless question made up of tiny foreign people living on faces.
This is probably the IQ Quiz's most famous ad. It's like Highlights For Kids, but adapted for our adult needs. So instead of developing the skills to spot a close-up view of a sea sponge, we're developing the skills to spot a post-op view of a penis. And speaking as someone who spends a lot of time very drunk, here's a truism they don't teach in philosophy class: if you ever think something only might be a woman's crotch, it's not a woman's crotch.
The Wrong Answer: Yes.
If someone asks you if you're looking at a bikini or a lamp, the question you should be asking is if that's a lamp, why is it trying to fuck me? And here's my followup question: fine, I'll do it.
The Genius Answer: Oh yes.
If there's one thing the Internet is good at, it's pictures of vaginas. So it didn't take long for the original picture to surface, and that lamp was a bikini the whole time! Who knew that if you turned a woman upside down and chopped her into pieces you could make a lamp? NAZIS, that's who. Busted, officialiqquiz.com.
The Reverse Genius Answer: Quick, put all that sperm back.
Ha. You were masturbating to a lamp.
So it's come to this. A color blind test? Call me old-fashioned, but shouldn't people in charge of an intelligence test at least kind of know what "intelligence" means? I haven't been this confused since the first question at my college admissions interview was the admissions officer putting his dick on the desk and asking, "What's the capital of pleasure?" Man, I failed that interview so badly that you'd have thought I was a color blindie trying to work a calculator.
The Wrong Answer: I don't know-- I'm color blind. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid, dick. The Genius Answer: Fifteventy Threeteen.
Some clinical testing done at the University of Toledo showed a trend of color blind people to test slightly higher on intelligence tests while getting slightly worse grades. So the chances of you being a genius are actually a tiny bit better if you got this wrong. Well congratulations, Mr. giant brain color blindie. That also means you can't tell when us stupid people have peed in your water bottle until it's far too late.
Since intellectualism was invented, one of the greatest mysteries of the mind has been The Huge Mouth Kid. At least half of Arisotelian logic is based around looking at a school photo and deciding if it's badly Photoshopped or if someone fucked a duck. In fact, deductive reasoning itself was invented as a way to defeat these duck children. But the joke's on you, ancient philosophers, because you can't think your way out of a situation when it's already clamped its mouth around your brain.
The Wrong Answer: Duh?
No matter how badly your eyeballs fail at digital forensics, you can see that the image is FAKE. First, if this child was REAL, he would almost certainly be killed by ghosts this far from a power pellet. And second, nice airbrushing. It looks like the kid's father is the Photoshop Blur Tool and he beats him.
The Genius Answer: Fear.
Okay, so it's obviously FAKE. But it says right next to him that "77.7% can't pass the illusion test!" Which leads us to believe that we've been tricked and it's REAL. This thing is out there right now, with that unclosing mouth and with all that rage behind its eyes. So forget our IQs-- it doesn't matter how smart we are when our remains are being dug out of duck monster stool. When you see this kid, the only thing you can do is try to make your final words something wise. Something that really proves you're intelligent like announcing your lack of color blindness or naming which lamps in the room are safe to masturbate to.
Argggh! I'm going somewhere... but not with you. Duckboy took care... of my traveling arrangements. But before I take my final journey... I want to leave you with this... I... I think that fat baby had... six AAACK!