“Come in, Robert,” Head Editor Jack O’Brien said, carrying a bottle and two glasses over from his My Little Pony-embossed bar, “take a seat.”
I pulled a chair up to his enormous, polished mahogany desk. The Care Bears logo worked into the wood gleamed dully.
“What’s this all about, Ja-“ I started to say, but I was cut off by a resounding metallic bang from the ceiling.
“JACK THE PLANET!” Came the sound of a muffled, distant voice.
“What the hell was that?” I asked, startled.
“Dan,” he sighed with a weariness that touched my heart, “he’s stuck in the crawlspace again. He’s trying to make another one of his dramatic entrances, but he can’t manage to get through. Every couple of minutes he’ll kick at the ceiling panels and scream a pun about my name, and then it’s quiet again…until he thinks up another one.”
Pictured: Cracked Blogger Daniel O’Brien.
“Should we…should we call somebody? Get him out of there?”
“No, he always gets out…eventually. I just try to savor the peace in betwe-“ Another impact sounded from above, dust settled onto the brim of Jack’s purple velour Rainbow Brite derby.
“ALWAYS BET ON JACK!” Came the barely audible cry.
“Listen, Robert, I called you in here because you missed the Inauguration Liveblog the other day…” He uncorked the bottle and motioned to me “Scotch. You want two fingers?”
“That last one was Wesley Snipes, from Passenger 57,” the ceiling clarified.
“No thanks, Jack. Scotch makes me simultaneously sad and violent - all sobbing about dead family pets and taking swings at strippers - you know how it is,” I replied, “Besides, you’re supposed to measure two fingers laid horizontally. It totals about two ounces of liquor. You’re measuring your fingers vertically, that’s like a quarter of a bottle.”
“You’re new here, Brockway, you’ll learn what a ‘Cracked Pour’ is the six-hundredth time some asshole gets stuck in your crawlspace.”
“THE NEW JACKNESS!” DOB responded, the detritus from his mighty blows raining down on us.
“You missed the Liveblog, so you owe me a political article this week.” Jack said, settling back into his Corinthian-leather She-Ra embroidered Executive Chair.
“Oh Christ, Jack — no! Listen, you’ve read my comments section, you know I was moonlighting sucking cocks outside the gay Communist strip club!”
“What you do outside The Hammer and Suckle is your problem,” he replied coolly, like the cold, frigid, chilly son of an arctic bitch that he is, “not mine.”
Pictured: Cracked Blogger Robert Brockway’s second job.
“Please, God, I have a family!” Tears sprung to my eyes as my balls retracted instinctively into my abdomen.
“I’m afraid I have no choice; you’ve missed the quota. The other bloggers took the hit yesterday. Now you need to make it up.”
“You don’t understand, Jack. After my last political article, somebody drove a car through my living room window!”
“That was probably an accident.” Jack said dismissively, draining his platinum-coated Strawberry Shortcake goblet.
“I live on the 14th floor, Jack. Unless the driver was Marty McFly or George fucking Jetson, I doubt it was an accident. The cops don’t even know how he did it! They don’t even have a theory! I can’t take this heat, Jack. I’m already on the strongest anti-anxiety medication money can buy – they use this shit to euthanize rabid jungle cats– I can’t go any further!”
“Faster, Doc! If we don’t get up to 88MPH the impact might not kill Brockway!”
“Not my problem,” he leveled a glare at me so level you could’ve measured it with a level, and it would’ve turned out completely level, “you owe, and you’ll pay. A political article, Robert, by tomorrow. If you don’t pick a topic, I’ll assign one to you. I was thinking ‘8 reasons why Ron Paul is Functionally Retarded.’”
“No! I’ll…I’ll do it,” I said, slipping meekly toward the door.
“JACK MY BITCH UP!” DOB added, his mocking, derisive tone clear even filtered through the ceiling.
***
“Shit, Bucholz. I’m not gonna make it through this one,” I said, my incessant pacing more erratic than the third season of Lost, “this is the end for me. I tried asking Swaim for advice, but I guess he’s mostly CGI these days. What do I do, man? How can I persuade Jack to change the assignment?”
“I dunno aboot any of that, eh?” Bucholz responded, his voice mostly drowned out by the Celine Dion he blasted incessantly, “I tink that maybe yoo should try offering Jack something better, eh?”
“I’m panicking here, man. If I had any better ideas, I would be hurling them on his desk like fists at Jack Johnson’s face.”
“You need to relax, eh? Labatt Blue?” He said, offering me a beer from his puck-shaped cooler.
Pictured: Cracked Blogger Chris Bucholz.
“I CAN’T RELAX! MY TIGER XANAX DOES NOTHING ANYMORE!” Tears streamed down my face as I ran crying from his office. I wasn’t going to find my help there, but I needed something – anything! I was desperate enough to bargain with the Devil himself at this point.
***
“Wolinsky?” I asked, knocking tentatively at the black door, its surface slick with rancid, unidentifiable ichors in which one could see distant, screaming faces, “Are you…in? It’s uh…it’s Robert.”
The door swung open silently, revealing a painfully bright, impeccably clean office, completely empty save for a small wooden shrine in the dead center of the floor. It was impossible I know, but I swear it was larger within than without, and a sense of vertigo shook through me as I crossed the threshold.
“Hello, Robert. How do you do?” Came a small, tinny voice, quavering as though distorted by the impassible distances between worlds, “what assistance can I offer you?”
“Ross?” I asked, scanning the room again. There was nothing, nobody, just a small wooden pedestal bearing a horned idol covered in pitch. “I need some advice on how to deal with Jack. I was hoping you could help?”
Pictured: Cracked Blogger Ross Wolinsky.
“Help I can,” replied the wafting voice, “but at what price? What offer have you for my advice?”
“I have the tears of conjoined twins long separated,” I said, pouring the vial onto the shrine, “and a pledge of devotion from a desperate heart.”
“Your meager offer exceeds your heartsick pleas, and thus my dire hand is bought - but heed what events you’ve wrought – the consequences for this inquire may be most dire. To help the meek,” crackled the voice, “it is the Stone you seek.”
“Gladstone! Of course,” I exclaimed, kowtowing away from the altar, “Thank you, Ross!”
“Only happiness fleeting comes from this meeting,” answered the voice.
“What a dick,” I thought, closing the screeching door behind me. “I mean, the guy gets one little Associate’s Degree in Animal Husbandry and all of a sudden he’s King of the Monsterverse.”
“Where can I find Gladstone’s office?” I asked a narratively convenient passing page.
“Oh, Mr. Gladstone doesn’t keep an office anymore. Not since retiring Hate by Numbers. Now he just ceaselessly circles the block in his Camaro during business hours. You can see him anytime you want. The only problem is catching him.”
The narratively convenient page and I high-fived goodbye, as was company policy, and I headed down to the street to seek the ‘Stone.
***
A streak of gold and crimson shot past as Gladstone rocketed by again. Speed alone wouldn’t snare him, I had discovered, but I had a cunning plan:
Tits.
I paid the bag lady in the alleyway to flash him next time he passed, and when he inevitably slowed to yell profanities, I leapt through the T-top and into his pink zebra-print bucket seats.
“Brockway,” he said, throwing a half-empty beer can out the window and into the face of a now unconscious police officer, “well played. I assume you need something?”
“I do, I need to ask you something,” I began as he floored it into a straightaway, weaving through traffic with the creamy ease and sleazy skill of a buttered gigolo.
“Stop,” he cut me off, reached below my seat and thrust a pair of sunglasses and a white sport jacket into my arms. “I don’t even talk to people that don’t look good.”
Pictured: Cracked Blogger Wayne Gladstone.
“I need help with Jack,” I said, struggling into the jacket that I quickly realized was sleeveless, “he won’t lay off the politics and I just can’t take the heat.”
“Rookies,” he scoffed, shifting gears and reaching casually out the window to slap an elderly woman on the ass without slowing, “you need Jack off your back, you got to give him something better. That’s it.”
“But I’ve got nothing,” I replied, sliding the fluorescent green shutter shades on, “I’m blank.”
“This ain’t rocket surgery,” he sneered, slicking an errant hair back into a perfect curl with his switchblade, “pitch him something with the words ‘badass,’ ‘insane,’ ‘animals,’ ‘conspiracy,’ or ‘Photoshop’ in it, and he’ll cream his Dickies.”
“Gross,” I said, “and thanks. One more thing…” I began, but he had already leaned over, opened my door, and was firmly kicking me from the moving vehicle. I would like to think that he flashed me the horns as he skidded around the corner and out of sight, the sounds of Lynyrd Skynyrd fading with him, but I’m pretty sure he just flipped me off.
***
“What have you got for me, Brockway?” Jack asked, his Crocodile-skin Raggedy Ann headband gleaming softly in the sanguine light from the blazing sunset, “5 Gayest Founding Fathers?”
Alexander Hamilton: Definitely #1.
“I’m not doing politics this week, Jack,” I replied, sliding my proposal across the desk, “read it.”
“The 7 Most Insanely Badass Deadly Animal Conspiracies…” he read, his voice barely containing his astonishment.
“Turn the page, read the rest.”
“…That Aren’t Photoshopped.” He set the proposal down and centered a look on me so centered you could put Center tags around it and it couldn’t be any more centered, “what’s your number one?”
“This is the Caucasian Shepherd. It’s real, it’s deadly, it’s fucking insanely badass, and it’s not Photoshopped,” I said, taking Gladstone’s sunglasses out of their case and slipping them on dramatically.
“What’s the conspiracy?” He asked, skeptically.
“I have it on good authority,” I said, removing my sunglasses exactly as dramatically as I put them on, and returning them to their case “that this breed was invented by Scientologists, and it is currently in the employ of Big Vitamin, terrorizing Turkish pharmacies.”
“My god,” Jack said, the liquor-drool hardening on his Jem and the Holograms lip-stud, “it’s the perfect storm.”
“HackeyJack,” said DOB, his voice thick with awe and probably also asbestos, “…hackeyJack, you magnificent bastard.”
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 at 8:02 am and is filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 11th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
wow. ive never come across this article. made me believe in god. how does one go about pre ordering your book?
November 8th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
”He’s trying to make another one of his dramatic entrances, but he can’t manage to get through. Every couple of minutes he’ll kick at the ceiling panels and scream a pun about my name, and then it’s quiet again…until he thinks up another one.”
I laught so hard I shed a tear (and annoyed my roomate)
September 27th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
where is the write an article button
August 30th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Sounds like a seriously fun place to work.
Lucky dog.
August 2nd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
That’s some of the funniest writing I’ve read in years.
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April 1st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Keep up the good work, Brockway. Punch it!!!!!!
http://VeyronBugatti.com
March 28th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Hey! Can I ask what’s this template you are using in your blog? thanks.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I read this article when I first found cracked.com, and not that I’ve found it again it stills makes me giggle like a hyena.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“Where can I find Gladstone’s office?” I asked a narratively convenient passing page.
Small stuff like that is what shows your true skill. Extremely enjoyable.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Brockway you still kick ass. Plus you have a name that sounds like it belongs to a mustached detective from the 70s who thinks he’s “above” the law.
That must have gotten you laid in highschool, am I right?
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 am
Great blog, thanks for the info!
January 31st, 2009 at 10:06 pm
hahaha pretty funny. the real lol part was when he made you put on a sleeveless jacket…good stuff man.
January 29th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
yAY!
January 27th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
That picture actually does look like Gladstone.
January 26th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Sexy girl fights two guys: HOT!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=fab6abfcf1c333aa9838&page=8&viewtype=&category=mr
January 26th, 2009 at 2:44 am
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January 24th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
stunning…
absolutely stunning
The mad giggling coming from my rook followed by the occasional cackle not only awoke everyone in the house but in the entire district. My local MP just called to tell me to shut it.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Ok, I don’t care who writes it, but somebody has GOT to write the Ron Paul article. This would be just about the best political article Cracked has ever written. Please. I’m begging.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
brockway you are amazing your ability to inculde other writers is awsome(to say the least) but my inability to love anyone that is not already a cracked writer if faultering so please stop toying with my heart
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
And while I know it’s a bit late, I’d like to state that for the record, the person who posted the first comment is a complete douche. Using extensive vocabulary doesn’t negate the fact that you are a fucking toolbag who, might I add, commented on THIS article to piss about a completely different article. If you’re going to criticize, at least make your criticisms about the article YOU’RE FUCKING COMMENTING ON.
And by the way, Brockway, I really like your political articles, weather or not you’re being a commie cock sucker or a right wing apologist. So please don’t let assholes sway you from writing on these topics.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:48 pm
As much as I adore DOB, I must admit, the lines
“You’re new here, Brockway, you’ll learn what a ‘Cracked Pour’ is the six-hundredth time some asshole gets stuck in your crawlspace.” and “Alexander Hamilton: Definately #1″
made me fall out of my bed. I am now uncertain as to of weather or not DOB will eternally own my heart.
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Yep.
Funny.
Highlights included the “narratively convenient page” and the presence of the other bloggers. And I missed Swaim (although, yes, he’s pretty much all CGI at this point).
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:51 am
LOL. soldiers kissing!
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:08 am
and if you went to the cgracked hq, you would in fact find… another damn cube farm!
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:54 am
Blog entries about the bloggers are always hilorious. More of these please.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 am
Loved it!
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 am
Bondy is right. One of the top images when you search for Daniel O’Brien is a naked man jumping out of the water. And to be clear, the only reason I checked is because I thought there was no way in hell that could be true. Sadly, I was wrong.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 am
ha!
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Topless girls jump from airplane… Woohoo, pert nips!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8e71e69f4b3e36627fce
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
By far the funniest part was the Gladstone as a cop from Miami Vice reference. The rest of it was mildly funny, I guess.
“he said, throwing a half-empty beer can out the window and into the face of a now unconscious police officer,”
This part was gold, though.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
So Wolinsky IS the devil… I thought as much.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
i’m sorry, new guy, but you’re not funny.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I haven’t been this entertained since DOBs article about his anti-Google campaign. This is a work of pure genius.
Also: Gladstone you sexy, sleazy badass! What happened to the slightly pudgy nerd we used to know and love?
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I also miss Ross. He never calls.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Hahaha this was brilliant! Your best article yet Brockway. You are slowly but surely learning the way of the Cracked writer.
The comedy is strong with you, Brockway.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I loved every joke. The pictures were completely hilarious as well, my favorite being the one of Bucholz. It’s just how I pictured him…
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I loved the “not nearly enough words” bit at the bottom. Also, try calling your boss Hugh Jackman. It will appeal to his…I don’t know, I’ve never met him, but everyone wants to be Hugh Jackman.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
That was awesome. I love when you bloggers make fun of each other. It warms my dead heart.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I’m not racist but…
that was funny as heck. I literally creamed my dickies.
Also, blacks are inferior.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
How come when I search “Daniel O’Brien” on google images, the first picture is a naked man leaping out of the water?
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 am
Mr. Brockway,
I feel compelled to reply. I enjoy your work and have been supportive from the beginning. I never said it wasn’t funny merely derivitive. But since you put it that way…
I feel so silly. You’re totally right. In all the other articles that DOB wrote where the theme was “a wacky visit to Jack’s office” he was breaking and entering while in this one, you were invited.
BTW: I think you captured DOB’s “man-child with ADHD and a borderline personality” persona to perfection.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:07 am
I can’t believe you didn’t punch Gladstone at anytime through your whole adventure
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:06 am
WOw, nice one dude! Well done for sure!
RT
http://www.privacy-web.us.tc
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:43 am
dont no what you towking abot bwoy
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:36 am
buttered gigolo!!
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:35 am
Cheers man, my hat’s off to you…
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:47 am
Hilarious. Bravo man
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:51 am
Wow dude. This article is great. I liked you from the start, and it’s good to see that I was right about what you can do. Keep up the awesome work.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 am
I was reading this during a business trip and people kept staring at me for laughing so loud in the airport! Tears and all! Great f’ing job!
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:11 am
Also i heard you suck a mean dick.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:10 am
Good shit man, i enjoyed reading it.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:54 pm
very good
January 21st, 2009 at 11:32 pm
‘Hammer and Suckle’
brilliant
January 21st, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I’ve always sort of casually read your articles, gotten mild enjoyment on it, and then sorta changed the channel to see what else is on, but you really hit this one out of the ballpark, to the point that it might be the best cracked blog I read this week (though i’ve not read Swaim’s or DOB’s yet….but still, they’ll need to really bring it to match this.) Kudos.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:13 pm
DOB and I must have a chat, as his behavior seems to be becoming increasingly erratic. In my completely unlicensed and poorly educated opinion, I suspect he may be FUCKING AWESOME. Really, let’s hang out dude, preferably on my limited edition Spiderman hammocks. Oh, and nice article mansir.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:00 pm
If someone was constantly climing in my ceiling, I would personally make sure he can’t drop in and leave his @$$ there to teach him a lesson, maybe even eat some food to taunt him.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Wow, Jockin DOB’s style but brilliantly done
January 21st, 2009 at 8:00 pm
As the man who replaced the ‘Stone, Mr Brockway, I’ve resented you from the start.
But really, this article and “buttered giggolo” in particular has won me over.
Seriously.
You have triumpled. Fuck Gladstone and his oily pecs and wonderful heady man-breath.
Fuck him right in the ear.
January 21st, 2009 at 7:50 pm
…I wonder how long Gladstone will last up there. Btw where do you buy Tiger Xanex? Alcohol alone isn’t powerful enough, ever since the recession
and now that we have a new president, I’m starting to miss and apreciate the Almighty Eye of Sauron-esque government of yesteryear 
:( 
:( 
Whos ganna be there to not pay for my diabetus now?!?! Huh?
January 21st, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I love Gladstone’s description. He’s as badass as they come…and DOB just has issues. lol
January 21st, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I always pictured Jack as a Barbie and the Rockers-kind of dude.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:42 pm
DOB,
Surely I am not the first to make the McClane/O’Brien connection. You fuck shit up, especially on holidays, you play the harmonica horribly, and you kill terrorists while screaming obscenities. It was obvious from the start.
Swaim,
I’ll make sure to mock you more in the next one. I’ll get some practice in now: You have ugly shoes.
I will try to do better in the future.
Lbh, das_w00tman
It’s not derivative or stealing - we work in the same continuum. The Cracked Offices are kind of an established arena for jokes around here, like Swaim’s horrible racism, or Ross’ intimidating inscrutability. Calling writing within an established framework stealing is like saying sitcom writers are thieves because they’re writing characters others have created. It’s an in-joke, I just added my part to it.
Darkmage,
It’s called the internet. It has boobs on it. That’s pretty much all it has, actually.
Taephit, cutitdown528,
I’m not seriously quitting political articles – I’m just not the political guy. This was a politically charged season I came in on, so comments needed to be made about it. And if they need to be made again, I’ll do it. Assuming Jack can catch me first.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:38 pm
… I have no clue why, but I spent a good five minutes trying to decide if that, somehow, was Gladstone wearing a really bad wig. Tiger Xanax does that to you.
This was funny. Especially Wolinsky’s section.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Great work. Great photos;)
January 21st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Mahogany. Ma…hogany.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Umm… I hate to be that guy, but that’s definitely a white BMW behind “Gladstone” in his pic rather than the gold and crimson Camaro which you explicitly stated that he drives. I hate to call you a liar, but I just find it incredibly unlikely that any Cracked writer could afford a second car, even a first one is kind of a miracle
Anyway, great job
January 21st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Great job Robert.
You’ve really gotten the guys down. One thing though, DOB’s “Jackisms” are funnier.
What a great addition to the gang, Congrats!!!
January 21st, 2009 at 5:25 pm
[...] week’s column is up over at Cracked, wherein a police officer is knocked unconscious by a beer can, John McClane gets stuck in the [...]
January 21st, 2009 at 5:24 pm
i’d like to see that gayest president article as well Mathieu
January 21st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
You know, if you guys convinced Jack O’Brien to auction off all the vintage children’s TV show paraphernalia he apparently owns, you could probably afford a Cracked company jet.
…on second thought, you wouldn’t want DOB getting his hands anywhere near that. Spiderman with a jet? Oh shit.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Your best article so far brockway. I knew you could join the team.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Hmmm, this article seemed more like fanfic to me and for your next article, I’m envisioning it will depict a sketchy scotch-induced orgy involving the Cracked writers and a unicorn.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I have all sorts of crazy new respect for you after this Mr. Brockway. If that is your real name, which I suspect it is.
I laughed through every single line of this. It actually made my day, which was a pretty good day to begin with.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Anyone who thinks that this article wasn’t good is wrong.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:45 pm
me likee.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Am i the only one who would’ve loved to read the gay presidents article?
January 21st, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Someone give Cracked it’s own TV series/cartoon based on the antics/adventures told in these articles/stories…I would watch it religiously/pleasure myself to it.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
WRONG!
January 21st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Este pinche articulo no tiene madre, es una chingonada parada de huevos!
(great article!)
January 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Also: Awwww, wookit the doggy!
January 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Great article, but am I the only one that heard the phrase “It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon” like 15 years ago?
January 21st, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I was laughing through pretty much the entire article. I have no real complaints, but how in God’s name (or maybe God’s not involved) is Wolinski evil incarnate? Maybe a huge tool and a jerk, but if anyone’s gonna be evil, it’s Gladstone. Have you SEEN Hate By Numbers? Besides having hate right in the title (as any good prince of darkness would hate pretty much everything), he sits there with a cocky smile and the easy charm of the mutant offspring of a used car salesman and an injury lawyer. If that’s not the form Satan would choose when coming to Earth, then I really need to brush up on my bible.
Which, I guess, I do, cause I haven’t read it in like 7 years…
January 21st, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Absolutely beautiful. Keep punching them words, Brocktoberfest!
January 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Swaim approves and DOB is deliriously happy. I guess you ARE a Cracked blogger now.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
This was hilarious and I desperately wish it were true-to-life. Although, who am I to assume it is not?
January 21st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
“Darkmage Says:
January 21st, 2009 at 9:27 am
Where the fuck do you find all these amazing cleavage pictures? Do you guys have some kind of enormous cleavage collection? If so, how the fuck do I get a look at that shit?”
Of course I could be mistaken, but I believe the Cleavage Collection can be found at the Cracked.com Library, located down the hall from Jack’s office. Go through the door marked “rest room” and look for the magazine rack mounted opposite the toilet paper dispenser.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Articles this long = usually not read.
However, you had me at the ‘My Little Pony’ embossed bar.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
yes, wayne is gladstone’s first name. it’s also batman’s last name.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
“das_w00tman Says:
January 21st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
hey, wasent it superdan’s idea to make fun of jack
and write exaggerated stories about their meetings?
is this theveriy? and bad speling aside,
this is fucking theft of ideas! big brother!
wibe brockaway clean and then kill him!”
Why that’s mighty white of you to put “bad speling aside” there genius.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Ein Dose & Cherlindrea
It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one asking. I left a couple comments on one of DOB’s articles and Ross’ last entry asking what’s up. No reply to either.
Kind of sad to think that he may have quietly slipped out the back while we were all busy waving goodbye to Gladstone.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
this article is almost as long as my penis!
January 21st, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I sincerely hope “you magnificent bastard” is a reference to Dead Man on Campus.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
hey, wasent it superdan’s idea to make fun of jack
and write exaggerated stories about their meetings?
is this theveriy? and bad speling aside,
this is fucking theft of ideas! big brother!
wibe brockaway clean and then kill him!
January 21st, 2009 at 2:37 pm
This kicked so much ass I’m pretty sure I’ll still be sore tomorrow. Awesome work, Brockway. Truly, truly stellar.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Wayne? Is Gladstone’s first name seriously Wayne?
January 21st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I was thoroughly entertained:D So much in fact that i felt the need to comment as opposed to putting on pants and going to class…totally worth it though, totally.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
What, no “Jack to the Future”?
I expected more from you, Dan.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:19 pm
gotta say this was an unfunny, dull, piece of garbage I gave up on half-way through the article. The crawl-space Jack/pun DOB thing wasn’t funny the first time, when you go on to make the joke 5 more times it is just irritating…same goes for referencing girly 80’s toys the first one wasn’t funny by the 4th or 5th you’re just wasting space
are you paid by the word or something?
January 21st, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I look forward to reading The 7 Most Insanely Badass Deadly Animal Conspiracies That Aren’t Photoshopped. Hope it’s out soon! lol
January 21st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
please do the ron paul one next week
January 21st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
“Hammer and suckle.” You slay me, Brockway!
January 21st, 2009 at 1:53 pm
You know what I hate? The phrase LOL. Except that I DID lol. I really did. And even though I still want to hump DOB’s face the most, I want to hump your words’ face(s) a whoooole bunch.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:53 pm
The more I hear about the cracked office the more I want to work there. I have no real skills but can I have a job? With a high salary? And benefits?
January 21st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
You make me want to retire “Brockway, go choke on a cock”. That was really funny.
The narrative ability is strong in this one.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Hilarious.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Say it Loud, I’m Jack and I’m Proud!
January 21st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
No shit? difficult to comprehend.i heard that news times from many friend play on a tall dating site ___SweatyCrotch.com___,i did not to believe, me thunk that they them are know nothing but dating and love. boyoyoyoyoing.
i am always wrong.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Great article. I see many good things to come in your future.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I want Jack’s my little pony bar and she-ra chair. That way people won’t have to add me on xbox live to know I’m super bad ass.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Posting here for the very first time just to say how awesome I thought this article was!
January 21st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com___,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.
i am wrong.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
This was so funny I wish I were mocked in it more. Well done!
January 21st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Brockway is the Rock Way!
January 21st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
You are a bunch of beautifully illustrative bastards!! Great work!!!
January 21st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Where do I get a She-Ra embossed executive chair?
January 21st, 2009 at 12:19 pm
After the first sentence I immediately thought “DOB rip-off,” but it definitely stands on its own merits. New guy’s got jokes. Good work, Word Puncher.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Absolutely hilarious, Brockway. You keep astounding me with your ability to hilaritify (yes, it’s a real word. REALLY AWESOME.)
The Duct-Cloaked DOB was priceless.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
God damn that was funny. Is it possible to just have an entire article of Jack puns made by DOB? That would rule.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I got the perfect Cracked article to present for the pseudo- political crowd.
“7 Reasons why Obama couldn’t possibly be involved in
past male prostitution scandals, cocaine binges,
and not pushing the agenda of shady Zionist puppet masters.”
Then proceed to debunk every scandal and myth surrounding Obama in an effort to convince the Cracked audience that no such things can exist in this world, and especially not involving such a perfect specimen of a man. Only crazy people and retards would consider it a possibility.
Thats pretty much how every conspiracy article plays out on this website. It shouldn’t deviate too much from the standard formula.
Keep up the good work, Brockway. Punch the shit out of those words!
January 21st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Awesome
That is all
January 21st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
“how not to write a cracked article”? Blimey, you’re right! This IS a good example of what not to do. All the tired references, etc…Still, this was pretty lazy of you.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Hilarious!.. I can totally envision DOB doing these things, and knew,, just absolutely knew you’d throw in Jem, ha!
January 21st, 2009 at 11:59 am
Excellent, excellent, excellent!
January 21st, 2009 at 11:51 am
Words can honestly not describe how funny this article is
January 21st, 2009 at 11:50 am
I love thinking of DOB being stuck in the ceiling yelling at Jack. It will crack me up all day.
I was also a fan of your Obama article, but the trolls/morons scared you out of it (political fairness)? Oh well.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:45 am
YES! I’m JOHN MCCLANE FUCK YES!
January 21st, 2009 at 11:23 am
Okay, now THAT was funny.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:18 am
In a loveable response to not responding during the liveblog, our hero finds a way to pull out before accidently screwing himself. Way to stick it!
January 21st, 2009 at 11:17 am
Finally, I think I have a feel for what it must be like to work at the legendary Cracked office. You lucky, lucky bastards.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:16 am
Twas funny!
Give political articles a try again, the last was great. You just need to ignore all the bitching in the comments.
Don’t let a bunch of emos and ragging fat chicks influence your writing style.
For every bitchy comment, there are at least a hundred people who read it, laughed, and moved on without wasting their time by writing “Lol” or “twas funny” to drown out the hyper-sensitive cry-babies.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:16 am
This was brilliant
January 21st, 2009 at 11:10 am
“..he leveled a glare at me so level you could’ve measured it with a level, and it would’ve turned out completely level..”
“..centered a look on me so centered you could put Center tags around it and it couldn’t be any more centered..”
Cracked! Totally!
U’re the man dude! After this article I like you as much as my favorites DOB & Gladstone!
Keep it up!
January 21st, 2009 at 11:06 am
I like to look at the pictures.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:53 am
Sweet article Ro-Brock. It’s like “The Wizard of Oz”, but with less furry appeal. And funnier, much much funnier.
Hope I didn’t contribute to your politics anxiety…I wasn’t attacking, just discussing.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:39 am
The boss has a thing for girly cartoon characters?! My, that IS contrary!
January 21st, 2009 at 10:31 am
Also, follow Mr. Right’s advice.
Also, also, Bucholz is a lot more badass than that. He IS your number one.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:30 am
You know, when I started reading this, I thought it was going to suck, but this was awesome! A fantastic tour through the Cracked bloggers! Great job, Brockway This was great.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:25 am
Dear Mr. Cockway,
I still hate you because of the last politics article. But this one’s a lot better. Seriously, stick to dick jokes, pictures of tits, and DOB yelling from the crawlspace. You’re improving.
Also, I’m with Jack about what “two fingers” of liquor is.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:25 am
I think i peed a little reading this, i was laughing so hard.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:24 am
Freaking awesome.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:14 am
I thought Bucholz was more lasers and durasteel exosceleton….
January 21st, 2009 at 10:12 am
This is one the funniest articles I have ever read…anywhere! Died laughing.
Thanks man
January 21st, 2009 at 10:12 am
That was hysterical!! Loves it!
January 21st, 2009 at 10:02 am
Awesomesauce.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:59 am
tl;dr
January 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am
Yeah, what has been up with the lack of Ross?
This was one of the greatest visions of the Cracked life ever. I love it. I love DOB stuck in the crawlspace. Well done, Brockway! You have made my morning, sir.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am
Awesome job Brockway! You’re right, stay away from the political articles, just stick with humor. LOL at lot at DOB stuck in the vent.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:54 am
Heheheee … Great article, Brockway, I died laughing … must be fun to work at the Cracked office :))
And really, what happened to Ross’ articles ?!
January 21st, 2009 at 9:49 am
W-E-A-L- t- H- Y me- E -T -U -P. c 0 m—– ? It is really a funny and interesting place to date attractive girls or hot guys. I am Rose, a sexy and beautiful model. Internet is a quite good place to meet friends and even find whatever your need. i am just in the beginning of my career and want to find a rich man, so i uploaded my hot and even nude photos on W E A L T H YM E E TUP. c0m . under the name rose11, maybe you want to check out my photos firstly! or email me? springzyp11@yahoo.com
January 21st, 2009 at 9:49 am
Robert Brockway started off good, continued well, and he’s still able to deliver quality laughs. He’s a great addition to this website and a superb find on the part of the team. I salute him.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:29 am
So… Am I the only one that, after this article, isn’t questioning anything actually in the article, but in fact why the hell I haven’t seen a Wolinsky article since early December?
I mean, good article and all, but… It’s just somethign I noticed.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:29 am
bloody hilarious.
a laugh a minuit and the amazing quote “this ain’t rocket surgery”
January 21st, 2009 at 9:27 am
Where the fuck do you find all these amazing cleavage pictures? Do you guys have some kind of enormous cleavage collection? If so, how the fuck do I get a look at that shit?
Also, cracking article!
January 21st, 2009 at 9:16 am
you’re getting good brockway….. you’re getting good.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:01 am
I pissed myself laughing at the image of DOB trying to bust his way through the roof.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Well done Bob.
Well done.
But the obvious answer was to begin the Melia Obama 18 countdown.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:57 am
Truly bloody amazing. And I know that this is too early to start something like this but I’ll say it anyways;
hisownspace, you are dumber than a sack of hammers. Really and truly.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:50 am
Well done! The anti-political article article!
January 21st, 2009 at 8:50 am
This … was beautiful….
January 21st, 2009 at 8:44 am
Rather derivative of DOB articles with Jack Obrien encounters, eh?
At least I came away with the quote: “This ain’t rocket surgery.”
January 21st, 2009 at 8:44 am
The word puncher strikes again, awesome work! I lolled many times at ‘Pictured: Cracked Blogger Wayne Gladstone.’
January 21st, 2009 at 8:39 am
OKay… that was awesome
January 21st, 2009 at 8:38 am
wow, that was awful. and your last “political” article wasn’t so much a political article as it was a deliberate obfuscation of a clearly racist concept by conflating it with a literary term (think calling someone an uncle tom, and then claiming your not being racist because “It’s from a book”).
and yes, that’s right, now even the mere mention of a political article will get people angry at you.