I wasn't going to need Yelp for this, I knew there was a medical marijuana dispensary just a few blocks from my apartment. There are several within walking distance of my apartment, actually. But one in particular stands out. My girlfriend noticed it first, because the storefront, with its black awning with the business name written in some classy-looking font that probably costs $49 to download if you want to use it in Photoshop, looks like the kind of place where you'd meet your mother for brunch just to find that you're only allowed to eat if you're wearing a jacket (that they'll provide if needed). I exclusively eat at chain restaurants and shady food carts, so I never would have noticed the place ... if not for the smell, of course. It smells like healing.
Legal under California state law or not, I assumed that walking in with camera phones a-blazin' was going to be frowned upon at an establishment that operates in stiff defiance of the federal government. Signs on the wall confirmed as much. But I can tell you that the place was as fancy inside as it was on the outside. I'm pretty sure the wallpaper was made of velvet. I couldn't verify that, because nobody just up and strokes the wallpaper in a strange room without looking like a crazy person. But I think it was velvet, and dammit, I think that's fancy.
When you walk in, they hand you a menu to look over. In keeping with the upscale vibe of the place, it's a full-on foldout, covered in heavy plastic type of setup, like you'd see at a restaurant. Inside, you'll find everything: pot brownies, pot pills, pot spray, pot-infused olive oil and, of course, regular old pot. I picked up an array of goodies, including a gram of weed that was, like all pharmaceuticals, packaged in a medicine bottle.
And named after Sarah Silverman, which is a bit more rare in pharmaceuticals.
Also, because I was a new customer, I got a free "edible" of my choosing. I couldn't afford not to shop there! I settled on a Cannastroop Waffle, because the name sounded silly. My purchases were placed in a white bag that looks exactly like the kind pharmacies use and I was on my way home.
Duuuuuuuuuuude, imagine if you got that bag when you were on your way to see the movie Final Destination. That would be, like ... whoa. I'm sorry, for some reason, as I write this, I have a strong desire to include a paragraph or three about this theory I came up with about prescription medication and the film industry. It's pretty far out. Let's rap about it later.
Anyway, from start to finish, the entire endeavor took me a little over three hours, which included a trip to the DMV and about three miles of walking. I've had a harder time than this buying Apple products in the past.
I assume the process is even easier if you take advantage of one of the many delivery services in the area. I make this assumption because I did take advantage of one when I got home and it was exponentially easier. After emailing them the recommendation for marijuana that my "doctor" gave me and a copy of my temporary California driver's license, I received a phone call about 10 minutes later confirming that I was OK to place an order. This time around, as a new customer, I got more free weed desserts (pecan cookies this time), a fancy container to keep my weed protected from the elements and an inconspicuous black lighter with a gigantic green marijuana leaf inside a cross on it.
"It's just incense, Mom, get out of my room!"
So, now that my job of informing the public on how to properly acquire medical marijuana is done, I just have to figure out one thing. What am I going to do with all this weed?
For more from Adam, check out 5 Days Undercover as a Justin Bieber Fan and 7 Hilariously Failed Attempts at Politically Correct Toys.