For the tone deaf and the illiterate, there's some good news and some bads news. The good news is there will be a new Oasis album. The bad news is that it might not have any lyrics.
Songwriter Noel Gallagher explained his writer's block to reporters:
'I've literally got nothing left to write about. I've written about being a youth, and I've written about being a rock star, and I've written about living life in the big city.'
Wow. What a crushing blow. An Oasis album without lyrics. That's like having diarrhea without vomiting. Like being anally raped without getting fisted first. Like someone running over your dog without setting your cat on fire. It's a tough pill to swallow, but let's be reasonable people. Noel's written about being young, being a rock star, and living in the city. I mean, what else is there?
Can you name one song in rock history ---JUST ONE--- that ISN'T about those things? Oh, you can? Lots? Well, sure YOU can, but what if you were a stoned, mildly retarded, douchebag from Manchester? What about then? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Still, always the humanitarian, I thought I'd give Noel some ideas for new songs:
- Sing something about an old not famous guy who lives in the country.
- Write a song about being so unsightly and annoying that you have to get your no talent, only mildly better looking brother to sing lead.
- Steal lyrics off of George Harrison's tombstone now that he no longer has new lyrics to poach from.
- Write Blur an apology letter for all the hateful stupid shit you spouted and set it to music using the three chords you know.
- Examine the Zen inquiry: if a band no one cares about anymore releases an album no one buys does it make sound?