Cracked Columnists

How 7 Iconic Movie Characters Would Fare in a Slasher Movie

#3. Amelie

Strengths:

As depicted in the film Amelie, Amelie is a young Frenchwoman with all the strength and stamina of a young Frenchwoman. And while that's not an especially impressive amount, she is, however, completely adorable, which if nothing else will make the killer regret killing her a bit more.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Or just arouse him further.

Weaknesses:

Amelie is notable for its lack of scenes showing the title character doing chin-ups or working a speed bag, suggesting that she will be among the least capable of the characters at defending herself physically. Additionally, Amelie is highly prone to daydreams and fanciful notions, suggesting that she's as likely to get distracted meddling in the lives of her campmates and murderers as she is to take the time to properly barricade a room.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Although she did take a surprising interest in creating the elaborate series of pranks that lured Freddy Krueger to his death.

The Outcome:

Amelie will find herself in the camp kitchen, baking a cake to celebrate how everyone's now safe. There will be a noise behind her, which is probably nothing, that she ignores as she finishes frosting onto her cake a heartwarming little depiction of the death of Freddy Krueger.

Then she'll be impaled from behind on a pretty old baguette.


Shit's realness is escalating.

#2. Rocky Balboa

Strengths:

Rocky's not in the shape he used to be, having retired eight or nine times during the Rocky series of films. Still, he's certainly among the strongest of the characters at camp this weekend that doesn't run on Energon.


Just eggs.

Rocky also has notoriously high endurance and is capable of getting punched in the face seven or eight thousand times without suffering any ill effects. Except for the way he speaks, we guess. That can't be normal.

Weaknesses:

Rocky has to keep his hands up. Getting punched seven or eight thousand times a match is really setting him back on points in the early rounds.


This is also not a very useful martial art.

Beyond that, Rocky regularly finds himself unmotivated, lacking the will to win, and often has to spend minutes at a time soul searching and remembering past events. There simply isn't time for that now, unless there was some way to depict a long passage of time in a short sequence.

The Outcome:

Oh wait.

Now that all seems lost and there's nothing left to lose and losing isn't an option, Rocky embarks on an improvised training regimen to get himself back into peak not-losing shape. He splits wood and throws rocks at other rocks and empties the lake one bucket at a time and generally just inspires the hell out of anyone watching to be their best.

Like, unfortunately, the masked killer, who emerges from the woods, motivated as hell to murder Rocky mid-montage.

PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Despite the encumbering cloak, the mask, and the lack of visible fists, the killer is still, somehow, a better boxer than Rocky.

Rocky tries to slow down the killer for as long as possible for the last survivor to escape, using his own face to absorb the killer's attacks. Millions of punches and kicks and slashes and energy cannon blasts thud into Rocky's ruined head, but he refuses to go down or is too stupid to do so.

But will it be enough?

#1. Ellen Ripley

Strengths:

Taking a break from all the troubles of space, Ripley (as seen in the Aliens franchise) certainly didn't expect to find herself tits deep in horror on her summer break, but now that she is, no one is better equipped to deal with it than her. Possessing physical toughness, resourcefulness, a mastery of robotic exoskeletons, and an iron will to survive, Ellen Ripley is who slashers fear when they go to summer camp.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
"Hey, did you hear that? That clanking noise? It's Ripley!"
"Shut up, Jason! Stop it! I'm freaked out enough as it is. Gosh!"

Weaknesses:

She doesn't have any exoskeletons nearby.

The Outcome:

OR DOES SHE?

While Rocky's impossible face distracts the killer, Ripley retreats back to the corpse of Optimus Prime and puts him on like a suit. This works, because let's not ask any hard questions, and she rushes back to the lake. But Rocky is down! Ripley charges the killer and they fight in an extremely gripping and only slightly choreographed way, with much back and forth and reversals of fortune and so on.

Oli Scarff/Getty Images Sport
Imagine tennis, but if it didn't suck.

Eventually Ripley wins, because this is Ripley wearing Optimus Prime as a suit. Slowly, afraid of what she might find, knowing she must, she peels off the killer's mask.


It turns out that a man who lives alone and plans elaborate revenge on children is exactly the kind of person who will become a serial killer.

It's Willy Wonka! He faked his own death using a Choco Candy Cadaver, or some bullshit. Rocky walks over, having somehow found an American flag to drape over himself, and says something heartfelt and completely unintelligible. Ripley climbs out of her Optimus Prime suit and consoles him. Everything's going to be all right.

Because a person who faked his death once could never do that again.


Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has faked his death 12 times, mainly just to see what people say about him. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to participate in one of the many ongoing memorials celebrating his lives.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Bucholz

  • Rss

More by Chris Bucholz:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

546 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!