Cracked Columnists

Hologram Technology By 2010, Laser Swords To Follow

Ever since I saw the flickering blue form of Princess Leia plea for help from an aging and wizened Jedi hermit, I've wanted two things above all else: hologram technology, and to bang Princess Leia. And thanks to exciting technological breakthroughs from our friends over in India, I could accomplish at least one of those goals as early as 2010.

And as for my less savory ambition, who knows? I mean, Carrie Fischer's career isn't going so well, I've got this whole blogger thing, and by 2010 she could well be in the throes of early onset dementia.

As you may have deduced, I'm talking about holograms. Not mirrors, not 3-D goggles, not that old Sega arcade game that looked kind of 3-D, cost a whole freaking dollar, and took up the space of three Killer Instinct 2 consoles. Actual holograms.

According to the article (which is conspicuously absent of any images, videos, or science fiction references), the 3-D imaging handsets will be able to project free standing holographic environments and photos that youll be able to rotate, move through, and dissect. The pornographic possibilities alone are life-changing.

But Im trying not to get too excited. Frankly, Im used to the thought of holograms being made of blue-tinted scan lines, and revolutionary technological breakthroughs ending up being gay scooters.

But there are reasons to be hopeful. The company behind the project, Infosys, is a huge technology conglomerate in India known as the Taj Mahal of training engineers, which is kind of creepy considering the Taj Mahal is a building for storing dead people.

Plus, their headquarters looks like this:

If sci-fi-caliber holographic technology is going to enter our world, Im fairly certain it will be via a glass pyramid made of diamonds fronting two triangular pools being constantly raked by indentured servants.

The Infosys people promise that the images will be high quality, without loss, and that the handsets will be able to capture 3-D images as well.

Imagine it: every time one of your friends snaps a shitty picture of you on their cell phone, it will be instantly transformed into a perfect, rotatable hologram. Yes.

The article also mentions applications such as analyzing crash sites, helping medical students practice surgery, blah blah blah, and GAMING.

Im sure at first itll just be flash games, like moving one 3-D block back and forth across a gray field. But by the time we get to the HoloSet 8, Im hoping for full mindlink and the ability to psi-blast minions on no less than four dimensional axes.

So I put it to you, Cracked Blog readers. Whats the first thing youll do after unwrapping your very own holographic handset?

And dont say videos of Carrie Fischer; I dont want a bunch of copycats slowing up my downloads.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael is relocating his life, home, and Those Aren't Muskets!

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