Ever since I saw the flickering blue form of Princess Leia plea for help from an aging and wizened Jedi hermit, I’ve wanted two things above all else: hologram technology, and to bang Princess Leia. And thanks to exciting technological breakthroughs from our friends over in India, I could accomplish at least one of those goals as early as 2010.
And as for my less savory ambition, who knows? I mean, Carrie Fischer’s career isn’t going so well, I’ve got this whole blogger thing, and by 2010 she could well be in the throes of early onset dementia.
As you may have deduced, I’m talking about holograms. Not mirrors, not 3-D goggles, not that old Sega arcade game that looked kind of 3-D, cost a whole freaking dollar, and took up the space of three Killer Instinct 2 consoles. Actual holograms.
According to the article (which is conspicuously absent of any images, videos, or science fiction references), the 3-D imaging handsets will be able to project free standing holographic environments and photos that you’ll be able to rotate, move through, and dissect. The pornographic possibilities alone are life-changing.
But I’m trying not to get too excited. Frankly, I’m used to the thought of holograms being made of blue-tinted scan lines, and “revolutionary technological breakthroughs” ending up being gay scooters.
But there are reasons to be hopeful. The company behind the project, Infosys, is a huge technology conglomerate in India known as “the Taj Mahal of training engineers,” which is kind of creepy considering the Taj Mahal is a building for storing dead people.
Plus, their headquarters looks like this:
If sci-fi-caliber holographic technology is going to enter our world, I’m fairly certain it will be via a glass pyramid made of diamonds fronting two triangular pools being constantly raked by indentured servants.
The Infosys people promise that the images will be high quality, without loss, and that the handsets will be able to capture 3-D images as well.
Imagine it: every time one of your friends snaps a shitty picture of you on their cell phone, it will be instantly transformed into a perfect, rotatable hologram. Yes.
The article also mentions applications such as analyzing crash sites, helping medical students practice surgery, blah blah blah, and GAMING.
I’m sure at first it’ll just be flash games, like moving one 3-D block back and forth across a gray field. But by the time we get to the HoloSet 8, I’m hoping for full mindlink and the ability to psi-blast minions on no less than four dimensional axes.
So I put it to you, Cracked Blog readers. What’s the first thing you’ll do after unwrapping your very own holographic handset?
And don’t say videos of Carrie Fischer; I don’t want a bunch of copycats slowing up my downloads.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael is relocating his life, home, and Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 3:00 pm and is filed under Holograms, India, Infosys, technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 10th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I thought about a having a Hologram Christmas tree for years now. That would be cool. Just flip the switch to turn it on. No more dragging out boxes of crap.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I’m going to masturbate vigorously to naked women and then kill a few things. or maybe I’ll play Tetris. I don’t know but what i do know is that i will never leave my house again.
July 5th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that
July 18th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
It’s so good , and i have saw it on ^^&&&&^^^^Black sugarmommy~~~****c om
July 9th, 2008 at 4:39 am
do you know __http://seekingbbw.com _______All Plussize/BBW/BHM singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for plus-size singles and admirers in the world.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 am
Eric Bo Beric, I told you already, I am very sorry. I didn’t realize she was your girlfriend. She was wearing a false moustache, and you know how I can’t resist shapely women with Tom Selleck ’staches.
Don’t let this be the end, my friend. We can still collect pokemon together.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:57 am
All i here is the end of those damn ‘typical angles’ on myspace photos. Soon we’ll be able to just move our head and realise how hideously disgusting she is!
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 am
Let’s see… Obvious applications include:
1. setting up holograms of all cast members of High School Musical for a 3D face-punching extravaganza,
2. Creating an actual Labyrinth even scarier than the movie with David Bowie and the puppets (a difficult task, could become life’s work)
3. Why walk around with a hologirlfriend when you can use holograms to get yourself a real one? Considering you can “move through and manipulate” holos, just make yourself a Vin Diesel (or whoever the hell hot chicks dig these days) suit, and walk around downtown LA.
4. Stage impromptu battles in public places against dragons, aliens, 3 story politicians, pokeman etc.
5. Rob a bank in a holo of your douchebag boss. Rob a bank in a holo of your douchebag “friend” who evidently doesn’t know that being a friend means not taking my girlfriend out to dinner and a movie last night then over to your place as i watched from across the street you friggin ass.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:59 pm
This is being done in India and won’t be done until 2010? I though some Japanese guys would start and finish it on their break sometime on Friday
July 1st, 2008 at 5:20 pm
hologirlfriend.
the lacey chabert model.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Wow Swaim, you’re very photogenic. Have you though about a career in modeling sweater vests for the mentally handicapped community? I think you could be their biggest spokesperson. Break down the walls of discrimination against the tards Swaim. Its your calling..
July 1st, 2008 at 10:57 am
Apparently it didn’t work…
/facepalm at Salad day’s comment. 3rd from top.
That is just retarded.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:56 am
huge /facepalm right there.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:43 am
You know, every photo of Swaim has him wearing a sweater vest. It’s almost like… like he’s putting some effort into it. Swaim, I’m getting the idea it’s all a show. You’re not really a nerd at all, are you?
July 1st, 2008 at 10:24 am
hmmm… What would I do…? I think i would probably use one to finally learn the body’s internal systems, so i could actually do well in biology. Yes I’m a nerd, fuck off, I’m probably smarter than you. And maybe look at pictures of horses. Oh, and the FIRST thing i would do would be to watch the Speed Raver Movie in 3d. BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER!!!! I would undoubtedly doe of an overdose of fucking awesome, i would die happy.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
damn onairos, that was funny!!
July 1st, 2008 at 7:54 am
Origami instructions would be much easier to understand.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:22 am
Having no life, I was staring at Swaim’s picture in this article again and have come to the realization that his expression in that picture, looks like the Sta-Puff Marshmellow man’s from Ghostbusters.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:01 am
FIRST!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 2:18 am
Yeah what the hell I want a lightsaber.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:20 am
When are the laser swords and/or article coming and when they get here will they be use in a fight for a cheeseburger?
June 30th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Frankly, Drunko’s idea has a lot of merit. Think of the baseball game that you could play in 3D. Add in all of the statistics taken over the years and you could probably try to hit a pitch from Satchel Paige, try and strike out Babe Ruth, etc. etc.
I hate baseball, and that idea has me mildly excited… I fear for my life.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I find nothing objectionable about this.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
First thought:
See if I can hit a Nolan Ryan fastball. Or at least, see what it looks like. If I can see it.
Well, that’s what came to mind. I don’t know what’s wrong with the rest of you perverts.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I figured he got poked so hard his pupils bled.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
The glowing red eyes add a nice touch, too.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Michael who is poking you in the ass in that picture being that your lovely fiancee is in front of you in that picture?
June 30th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
It’s nice that it’s becoming apparent that Swaim really does love sweater vests.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
That is probably the greatest picture ever Swaim. Not the one of the diamond pyramid, that’s cool and all but the one of you will haunt my dreams forever. And no amount of pyramid shaped diamonds could possibly compete with the possibility of frightening small children with my very own 3D Holo-Swaim.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I’ll be 40 in a few years, so I’m looking forward to a holographic rendition of a forthcoming proctological examination so that I can compare and contrast the nature of my own bowel to the exciting rendition seen on TV’s Futurama. Of course, mine will be in 3-D, while that on television will feature the vocal stylings of Billy West. The net result is a win-win for me, my proctologist, and the viewing public.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
what a horrible thing to say
June 30th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I guess I’d mainly be watching Holograms of Hate by Numbers in my nightmares?
The most obvious uses of one of these holo-projectors would be terrifying the elderly with Scooby-Doo-bad-guy antics:
My grandparents are sitting on quite a lot of money and are getting pretty old. I’m imagining the result combining grandma’s heart condition with a 3 in the morning wakeup call by a vicious glowing bear spewing fire and shit out of his mouth.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Think up some bullshit reason to tell my wife why we need this thing, I mean, beside my desire to bang Carrie Fisher and gaming.
Possiblely use it to prove to the females in my house that said outfit does not make their ass look fat. Maybe they will get it into their head that their ass makes them look fat. And bang Carrie Fisher, gaming.
Use it to create giant mutant cat to scare hell out of my dogs. Bang Carrie Fisher and gaming.
Create image of myself in full war gear and war face with a M60A3 to scare the shit out
out of the little fucks that roll my yard every year. Hope some of them die of heart failure, particularly the ones that poured salt in my yard spelling “fuck you”. Screw it I’ll just shoot them. Then bang Carrie Fisher to celebrate.
Gaming.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Little White Chicks & Big Black Monster Dicks 3-D.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I would convert all my HBNs into 3 D halograms and insert them into all my detractors’ nightmares. Oh, and carrie fisher.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I’d take videos of me in various poses and costumes for novelty purposes.
Imagine, I’m walking down the street, and following me is a hologram projection of myself wearing a cowboy outfit.
I’m in one room, suddenly in another a projection appears of me dressed in a gorilla outfit doing the monkey dance.
The possibilities are endless for messing with peoples heads.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I would set up a holo-camera in a men’s room, then place the holo-viewer in random areas around the office, so that now and then, my co-workers would see strangers shitting in our cubicles!
June 30th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Concert footage ftw, being on the stage with your favorite band would be the bees knees.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Slowing up your download? Move away from AOL Mr. Swaim.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
So scientists are now perfecting hologram technology but I still cant go to the grocery and pick up a steak with spicy nacho cheese filling inside? Where are our priorities?
June 30th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
3D, Fuck!
June 30th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
FIRST!!!
Also, #D interactive movies, like Die Hard and the Boondock Saints