Cracked Columnists

Know What's Funny? School Shootings. Right? Am I Right?

Considering some of the offensive Halloween costumes I've paraded in front of my friends and expected them not to sock me in the face, I feel a little awkward calling these kids douchebags for dressing as Virginia Tech victims. But, as it is my solemn duty to decry idiocy, here goes: what a couple of fucking douchebags.

Living proof that what happens on Facebook doesn't stay on Facebook, these kids got their photos snapped at a party in October and it's taken the last two months for the turds in question to float to the top of the toilet bowl that is national media outlets. And as you'd expect, everyonetook turns saying how outraged they were and then showering attention on them.

Let's drop the pretense for a minute here: they're college students; they're going to do dumb shit and piss everyone off. What even I can't forgive, however, are the kids' utterly terrible excuses, which I now present in order from least to most offensive:

  • "A lot of people do crazy, insensitive things. I knew what I was doing was sad. I did it for that reason."
  • "It's not that it was funny, it's that we are notorious and infamous in the state college, so we have to do things that push the envelope just for shock value."
  • "Students live in an ivory tower...They are whining and crying, but there is a lot worse going on right now in our world than what happened at Virginia Tech."
  • "It wasn't even the first mass killing at a school."

    • Because clearly only the first iteration of a national tragedy is really tragic. I mean, how many times can a public building be bombed before it just loses that tragic punch? Oklahoma City? Tragic. The World Trade Center? Snore. It's been done, man! Where's the zazz?!

    And did you notice the steady slide from principled rebellion to defensive whining? It's probably on account of the hundreds of detailed death threats from Virginia Tech alumni that they've been receiving, including promises to curb them and lynch them. I'd be scared too; if Virginians have proven anything, it's that they know how to lynch a guy.

    The amount of attention they've received is somewhat staggering, considering how utterly stupid this all really is. If I thought being retarded on Halloween would get you this much publicity, I would've posted my own pics months ago. Let's see, there was the year I went as a bloated Hurricane Katrina victim, then the next year I was a Holocaust survivor (losing all the wieght was a bitch), and this year I showed up as that artist's rendering of Baby Grace.

    Keeping up the violent sobbing and cries for mercy from my attacker all night was pretty tiring, but the warm grins on everyone's faces were well worth the effort.

    Top that you PSU sons of bitches!