Hey, Remember This Movie? I Hope So, Because All The Jokes In This Post Kind Of Depend On It.
There's a news story we here at the Cracked Blog offices have been asked not to post on. A topic so taboo, we can only discuss it openly while so drunk there's no hope of remembering what we talked about.
Generally, this means Gladstone talks about it a lot, and the rest of us have at one point or another been awoken by the unwelcome torrent of human urine.
But dammit Cracked, I am a blogger of the people, and the people must know! Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of my own life, I must warn you: The Demolition Man is coming. No, theyre not re-releasing the movie; Im telling you that the plot of The Demolition Man is coming true.
Don't believe me?
Exhibit A, the much-forwarded story of Wesley Snipes 3-year sentence in prison for tax evasion. Or should I call him by his soon-to-be prison name, Simon Phoenix?
Exhibit B, Sylvester Stallone. Whats he been up to? Using illegal growth hormones, practicing his killing skills, and fighting robots. Could he be getting ready for the inevitable embrace of Cryosleep as he awaits the year 2032?
The medias got all the pieces, but refuses to make the connection. News items presaging the events of the landmark 1993 Stallone/Snipes vehicle have been cropping up for months now, and stillforced silence, even from Cracked, the leaders in breaking stories about future anti-utopian action scenarios. WHOS PAYING YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?!
Fortunately, its not too late to prepare. Until certain key events play out, weve still got time:
Before all of this inevitably happens, I suggest we form some kind of team, or group dedicated to maintaining a resistance against the corrupt and insensitive future aristocracy; a team of downtrodden patriots awaiting the opportunity to rise up and help dismantle the sterile horror our lives will have become.
I mean, wiping your ass with shells? Last time I checked, this was America!
And in America, the only kind of "Vir-sex" we have is in our imaginations and movies...and clips on our computers, and TV if it's late, and also sometimes in magazines (although not as much anymore). See, we're already on a slippery slope! This is why we need a team!
And lets give the team a cool 20's name, like Moxie Men, or Scrappy, or The Pizzazz. Oh I know! The Scraps!
Oh my God...its happening.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael blogs for crack as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
"A massive earthquake hits the American Southwest in 2010."
Replythis just happened
we're f**ked
[...] my purview has come to encompass only the weightiest, grandest matters of the day: world politics, the machinations of our idols, and an alarming amount of [...]
Replyasda
Replythe scene was when he went down to the sewers where the rebels lived, and a mexican-looking woman was serving hamburgers made of rat meat
ReplyI'm going to give some definitions.So you can follow this Spanish language thing.
ReplyRato -> amount of time, just like "let's spend some TIME together'
violación -> rape, not 'rapo'
ratón-> mouse, not 'rato'
Yeah! Pretty soon you won't be able to smoke in public! Oh wait...
ReplyHow about everything thats supposedly bad for you is now illegal?
Reply@woombie: Are you coming on to me?
Reply@fragg
ReplyWhen you say "your cat is on fire"....are you being sexual?
And I, as a chica, am looking forward to this dystopia. I mean, no more having to touch men when they want sex...and my own Benjamin Bratt :)
I'll join. You can call me Brodie Brick-Wall Christoni
ReplyMy friend's name shall be Mac the Knife.
The only Spanish I know (and probably misspelled, at that):
Reply"El gato es en fuego!"
"Casa Popa!"
I think that in the movie the burger vendor says 'un rat' or possibly 'un rata'. And after being in Taco Bell, I would gladly eat one.
ReplyGlendoor, please let me breath. I haven't seen sunlight in years. I'm going crazy locked up in your pants. I need physical contact, besides Kingmonkey's hand..
ReplyTaco Bell has always brought to mind finely ground Alpo wrapped in a tortilla. Del Taco is pretty good and there are places around here called Taco Casa that are excellent. I once saw a place called Taco de Diablo. I wasn't going to eat any devil tacos.
ReplyTaco Bell's all right. Del Taco is where the real action is. Also, it's got a whole different set of Spanish/English translation issues going on. "Of the Taco?" WHAT of the taco?!
ReplyI think we can all agree, though, that rat meat IS quite delicious, no matter how you say it in Spanish. Especially in fajitas.
ReplyDudes... I think vonpokemone meant to say, "Rat meat... HOW delicious." However, I dont even know how you would phrase that in spanish, and the word for mouse or rat is raton, with an accent over the o. Probably doesn't matter, though, because this is the comment section to a blog, and spanglish is the order of the day.
ReplyAlso, I think he was making reference to the Taco Bell meat. You know, "Yo quiero Taco Bell!" and everyone was talking about how more Taco Bell is a better world.
no doubt at all. although, if i had to get in vonpokemone's head, i would say he misspelled del rato. i think its clear he meant "del rapo". or, in a rough translation based on what the word looks like, of the rape. meaning, he knows what wesley snipes' really does for a living. and i'm guessing he finds it quite delicious.
ReplyThese spanish lessons will come in real handy when I go to Costa Rica in a couple of weeks. No doubt, I will be having carne de rato in every restaurant I visit!
Replyit means "what" or "that" when you use it in front of an adjective it just means mmm.. how delicious! or what deliciousness
Reply