There’s a news story we here at the Cracked Blog offices have been asked not to post on. A topic so taboo, we can only discuss it openly while so drunk there’s no hope of remembering what we talked about.
Generally, this means Gladstone talks about it a lot, and the rest of us have at one point or another been awoken by the unwelcome torrent of human urine.
But dammit Cracked, I am a blogger of the people, and the people must know! Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of my own life, I must warn you: The Demolition Man is coming. No, they’re not re-releasing the movie; I’m telling you that the plot of The Demolition Man is coming true.
Don’t believe me?
Exhibit A, the much-forwarded story of Wesley Snipes’ 3-year sentence in prison for tax evasion. Or should I call him by his soon-to-be prison name, Simon Phoenix?
Exhibit B, Sylvester Stallone. What’s he been up to? Using illegal growth hormones, practicing his killing skills, and fighting robots. Could he be getting ready for the inevitable embrace of Cryosleep as he awaits the year 2032?
The media’s got all the pieces, but refuses to make the connection. News items presaging the events of the landmark 1993 Stallone/Snipes vehicle have been cropping up for months now, and still…forced silence, even from Cracked, the leaders in breaking stories about future anti-utopian action scenarios. WHO’S PAYING YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?!
Fortunately, it’s not too late to prepare. Until certain key events play out, we’ve still got time:
Before all of this inevitably happens, I suggest we form some kind of team, or group dedicated to maintaining a resistance against the corrupt and insensitive future aristocracy; a team of downtrodden patriots awaiting the opportunity to rise up and help dismantle the sterile horror our lives will have become.
I mean, wiping your ass with shells? Last time I checked, this was America!
And in America, the only kind of “Vir-sex” we have is in our imaginations and movies…and clips on our computers, and TV if it’s late, and also sometimes in magazines (although not as much anymore). See, we’re already on a slippery slope! This is why we need a team!
And let’s give the team a cool 20’s name, like “Moxie Men,” or “Scrappy,” or “The Pizzazz.” Oh I know! The Scraps!
Oh my God…it’s happening.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael blogs for crack as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- The 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time - December 1st, 2008
- The Best Quotes from the New Britney Spears Documentary - November 27th, 2008
- Extinction Is Only For Ugly Animals - November 26th, 2008
- Every Episode of 'House' Ever - November 22nd, 2008
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
May 28th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
[...] my purview has come to encompass only the weightiest, grandest matters of the day: world politics, the machinations of our idols, and an alarming amount of [...]
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:10 am
asda
April 30th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
the scene was when he went down to the sewers where the rebels lived, and a mexican-looking woman was serving hamburgers made of rat meat
April 30th, 2008 at 10:43 am
I’m going to give some definitions.So you can follow this Spanish language thing.
Rato -> amount of time, just like “let’s spend some TIME together’
violación -> rape, not ‘rapo’
ratón-> mouse, not ‘rato’
April 29th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Yeah! Pretty soon you won’t be able to smoke in public! Oh wait…
April 29th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
How about everything thats supposedly bad for you is now illegal?
April 29th, 2008 at 5:21 am
@woombie: Are you coming on to me?
April 29th, 2008 at 2:44 am
Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the millionaire luxury club “Wealthy Kiss.c o m” to hook up with hot girs and models. OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they are indeed so rich that they feel boring sometimes to need new things?
April 29th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I, for one, welcome our new Taco Bell overlords.
If anyone is still distraught over this “utopian” world of disfunction; I advise you to take comfort in the wise words of Virgin:
“Good news on __Blackgirlsconnect.com__.”
Well said, my seer friend. Well said.
What sort of future can a man fear while knowing, very reassuringly and spam-bottedly (that’s an awesome made up word), that when you need good news, you need look no further than __Blackgirlsconnect.com__.
The future does have a savior my friends, as well as a bit of fap juice.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
@fragg
When you say “your cat is on fire”….are you being sexual?
And I, as a chica, am looking forward to this dystopia. I mean, no more having to touch men when they want sex…and my own Benjamin Bratt
April 28th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I’ll join. You can call me Brodie Brick-Wall Christoni
My friend’s name shall be Mac the Knife.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
The only Spanish I know (and probably misspelled, at that):
“El gato es en fuego!”
“Casa Popa!”
April 28th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I think that in the movie the burger vendor says ‘un rat’ or possibly ‘un rata’. And after being in Taco Bell, I would gladly eat one.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Glendoor, please let me breath. I haven’t seen sunlight in years. I’m going crazy locked up in your pants. I need physical contact, besides Kingmonkey’s hand..
April 28th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Taco Bell has always brought to mind finely ground Alpo wrapped in a tortilla. Del Taco is pretty good and there are places around here called Taco Casa that are excellent. I once saw a place called Taco de Diablo. I wasn’t going to eat any devil tacos.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Taco Bell’s all right. Del Taco is where the real action is. Also, it’s got a whole different set of Spanish/English translation issues going on. “Of the Taco?” WHAT of the taco?!
April 28th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I think we can all agree, though, that rat meat IS quite delicious, no matter how you say it in Spanish. Especially in fajitas.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Dudes… I think vonpokemone meant to say, “Rat meat… HOW delicious.” However, I dont even know how you would phrase that in spanish, and the word for mouse or rat is raton, with an accent over the o. Probably doesn’t matter, though, because this is the comment section to a blog, and spanglish is the order of the day.
Also, I think he was making reference to the Taco Bell meat. You know, “Yo quiero Taco Bell!” and everyone was talking about how more Taco Bell is a better world.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
no doubt at all. although, if i had to get in vonpokemone’s head, i would say he misspelled del rato. i think its clear he meant “del rapo”. or, in a rough translation based on what the word looks like, of the rape. meaning, he knows what wesley snipes’ really does for a living. and i’m guessing he finds it quite delicious.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
These spanish lessons will come in real handy when I go to Costa Rica in a couple of weeks. No doubt, I will be having carne de rato in every restaurant I visit!
April 28th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
it means “what” or “that” when you use it in front of an adjective it just means mmm.. how delicious! or what deliciousness
April 28th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I thought que delicioso WAS quite delicious? Doesn’t que become ‘quite’ when it’s in front of adjectives? Am I even more ignorant than I thought? Que lastima!
April 28th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
@bacalao
as for “rato”, I’m not even sure if that’s “rat”… I’m just guessing because I didn’t recognize that as any animal I was forced to learn in class.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
@Bacalao
vonpokemone said:
literal translation: The meat of rat…. what delicious!
english translation: Rat meat… what delicious!
what I think he meant: Rat meat… quite delicious.
@glendoor42
Thanks. I’ve been working on that imitation for a long time.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
If you haven’t seen the movie, well, you know how TBS obsesses over a movie once they have it? Just wait a couple of weeks, and they’ll probably have an ultra mega super Demolition Man marathon, with Blade killing people and not paying taxes and whatnot.
vonpokemon: wtf?
April 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Well, there is one thing we can all look forward to, females calling us on their video phones and not knowing we can see them, or nude females dialing the wrong number..
But the downside is, we wont be able to exchange bodily fluids, so that kinda takes out all the fun i guess… Hmm, well at least the whole “white cop, black bad guy” thing will still remain the same.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:42 am
La carne del rato …. que delicioso!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:41 am
“Get Down! Aarrrgghhaarhghahrhgahhgah!” That is probably the greatest Arnold imitation ever. Really.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Oh fuck, this means I have to look forward to 24-hour ad jingle radio stations? Fuck that noise, I’m killing myself.
And by killing myself, I mean I will complain endlessly.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I’d like to see Simon Phoenix just go on a rampage and take down half of the utopia that would be San Angeles.
Mostly because that idea is quite silly. And “be well”? Come on. At least you can come up with something better to say goodbye to someone.
Like… “I hope you get hit by a bus!”
You know. Practical things.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Gladstone’s nostalgia for ancient 90s movies would make him the Sandra Bullock character in this “Demolition” Man scenario…
April 28th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I’d vote for Arnold. At least that way when the nukes go off and he shouts “Get Down! Aarrrgghhaarhghahrhgahhgah!” and everyone would actually listen.
Now, I’m not saying Arnold being the Pres. would cause a nuclear war. I just think at this point the world fucked.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I will join! You can call me Rancor (because I smell bad).
April 28th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Denis Leary is a hack! Bill Hicks is (was) the real man!
April 28th, 2008 at 10:02 am
I want to be a downtrodden patriot fighter too! Sounds exciting.
Fuck taco bell!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:57 am
“Oh God…not another opportunity for Denis Leary” to spout Bill Hicks’ comedy routine!”
April 28th, 2008 at 9:42 am
“Finally, a manly man in office.”
Hilary
April 28th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Pretty sure the foxy future-lady said Arnie’s presidency was made possible by amending the Constitution to accommodate immigrants. You’d pretty much have to have a Democratic president, sooo…
Or, y’know, McCain’s a huge Arnie fan (a lot of people are). Either way, Arnie becomes prez so it’s a win-win situation! Finally, a manly man in office.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Good news on __Blackgirlsconnect.com__.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:53 am
the word is dystopia, right?
April 28th, 2008 at 8:32 am
There’s even an eerie joke in Demolition Man about Arnold Schwarzenegger being president. The prophecies abound.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Oh God…not another opportunity for Denis Leary to spout his comedy routine!
April 28th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Christ, Swaim, blogging about something like this is a good way to get your ass killed. I’d turn you in myself… if I didn’t god damn respect you so much.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:06 am
The good news: More Taco Bell YAY!