So several viewers wrote me to suggest that I cover the new Miley Cyrus song, 7 Things. I admit it: at first I was against the idea.
“Miley Cyrus is really Dan O’Brien’s thing,” I protested.
But each time the viewers countered with the same persuasive argument: “Yeah, but you’re much funnier than Dan O’Brien.”
It was hard to argue with that, but it was their next statement that really drove me to action: “Besides,” they said. “He’s abandoned you for L.A., and he’s clearly bent on starting some sort of bi-coastal, blogging war with you. Last week he fired the first shot with all those Eve 6 cracks in the comments to your vacation blog post. Are you really going to take that?”
It might seem hard to believe that multiple, unrelated Cracked readers all said the exact same thing to me, but, so help me, every word of it’s true. Or Ross Wolinsky isn’t really the Zodiac killer.
Oh, and then there’s something else. I was actually the FIRST writer on Cracked to write about Miley Cyrus. Hard to believe, but true. DOB’s always copying me. First, by growing those sideburns. Then by deciding to make his writing funny. And, perhaps most egregiously, by implying that he MIGHT be Spider-Man when it’s clear that I AM Spider-Man.
So with that in mind, I decided to go after Miley. Is it wrong to pick on a 15 year old girl? Probably, but as DOB has shown so well, it sure is fun. This one’s for you, Dobby.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
Last 5 posts by HBN
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
November 17th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
her boyfriend will soon be 21 and she is turning 16…doesnt anyone no your not suposed to drink and drive?
the 4-5 year age differance isnt a big deal when your over 20 bur when your 16 you still have to get your parents consent for everything you do
October 26th, 2008 at 2:14 am
i hate milys guts
October 26th, 2008 at 2:13 am
god mily has turned into a superficial freak and slowely will crash in burn she dont have the guts to make it in the real world,so…yea!
October 17th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
We…We just…thank you. So much. There just aren’t words…
Thank you.
We love you.
(C.Rara wants to have your babies, for some reason)
September 21st, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Best Blade Runner reference ever.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Cougarornot, your ad’s always terrify me…
August 6th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I strongly suggest you get more from the hot cougar dating club called Cougarlove.com, a nice and free place for Older Women and Younger Men to interact with each other. It’s fabulous.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:12 am
I have to be honest Gladstone, before when I watched HBN, I wanted to hang myself. I just thought it was retarded. But now it’s funny. Maybe you should spend more time going after the Snake Monster, maybe partner up with DOB again, bring back M&M.
(BTW, Hannah Montana ate my dog then aborted it)
August 1st, 2008 at 11:40 am
You know, I think you should quit Cracked and go around the world with Cyrus on a photo shot escapade
Awesome work, as always
August 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
damn you kinkmonkey +1
August 1st, 2008 at 7:26 am
Shemales.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:09 am
let us never talk of shemales again
July 31st, 2008 at 9:20 am
Yeah, I regulary visit several shemale sites, and none of them have featured anything about the Olympics (although there were some photo spreads of shemales “working out”).
July 31st, 2008 at 8:33 am
Also, what is this about she-males in the Lympics. That wasn’t on NPR.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:30 am
I don’t mean to be one of those dicks that always kvetches about the things they voluntarily watch, but Gladstone, your delivery is balls-to-the-wall awful. It would be much better if you could get Will Arnett do this instead. I’d lol so hard, I’d practically LOLOL.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:27 am
> Wallsy. Why should have it been DOB?????
> He’s her mortal enemy.
Exactly. That’s why it would have been funny.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
You make me smile.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:11 am
I guess you just don’t have the same clout as she-males in the Olympics.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Wallsy. Why should have it been DOB?????
He’s her mortal enemy.
And ironically the person yelling at me was DOB. He has a very womanly voice which is why he usually won’t make videos.
Another reason I didn’t use DOB: y’see, these videos represent an internet sensation that are sweeping the globe. Whereas DOB is a minor Cracked.com personality, I am a major internet celebrity. If I used DOB, millions of noncracked readers who watch and enjoy the huge HBN viral sensation would be very confused.
OH, btw, did i mention that the this video got buried at Digg 30 minutes after hitting the home page. Sigh.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:22 am
I have been trying to view this damn video twice a day since it was put up cause my computer hates me.
Worth the wait.
<3 HBN. Freakin <3 it!
July 30th, 2008 at 12:31 am
gladstone is creepy
July 30th, 2008 at 12:27 am
I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job, but the reflection in her eye should really have been DOB. Also, that bit at the end where someone offscreen was yelling at you was lame.
But the rest was hilarious.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
ive watched it like 5 times
July 29th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
The United Republic of Skanksylvania… kills me every time.
Alright, you caught me, I’ve watched it twice.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
That was pretty manful Mr. Gladstone. Also, the freeze-frame on Item #6 is effin’ hilarious.
July 29th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I hate Myle Cyrus. Why can’t they blog about how much I hate that 15 year old. She is so rich and does nothing but play all day and flash a green bra. Man, I hate her so much that I think I have a crush on hating her.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
If the Flingin’Jack Bachelor Pad playset is the Lifestyle Condoms anniversary edition? then you have a deal.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Odin’s swifan balls! Hail back atcha, Metalbrainsurgery! I gotta go find some Lifestyle condoms.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
oh and Hail Wiglaf, hail to honor and hail to glory.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
whatever wayne moncyrus, we all know you’re secret. You are the alter ego/metamorph form of she who shal not be named. and that you can not say the name of she who shall not be named without transforming into evil incarnate.
its ok wayne moncyrus we love you anyway. unless that is you become she who shall not be named.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Let’s compromise, glendoor42; I’ll send you the Flingin’ Jack Bachelor Pad playset, and you stop sending me emails threatening to tell yourself about me and your wife.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:13 am
So, Miley Cyrus is being asked to be the spokesgirl for Lifestyle condoms. Do you use Lifestyle condoms, Gladstone??
July 29th, 2008 at 7:44 am
These are clearly the imaginary Space “monkeys” not the imaginary Space “chimps”. If you send me for free that Astro Space Chimps Lunar Lander and Moon Base play set, mint in box, I will call it even and not call the ebay police on you.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:37 am
glendoor42, you should have read the fine print. I specifically stated the Space Chimp action figures “may or may not be imaginary.”
Thank you for your prompt payment. I’ll leave some positive feedback on your account!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:32 am
i didn’t say muntana
i said mantanna which is also wrong. but i was incapable of saying MONtanna after saying HANNAH. I did three takes. That was closest.
Oh, and SHUT UP!
July 28th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
That’s how it’s pronounced in Skanksylvania. Gladstone shouldn’t have to apologize for speaking her language.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
some things should never be unseen. namely wayne moncyrus. Moncyrus? That sounds like it could be a killer death metal band name. Or of a beastly monster of epicness.
also, you say montana weird. its not muntana glady, its montana.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Hey Gladstone do a HBNs on ebay, I hate fucking ebay.There a bunch of crooked fuckers selling shit on ebay.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I’m not personally into chicks that can kick my ass, which basically leaves dead hookers and the ones that like glitter and pink unicorns.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
You should insert the image of a chest thump and two fingers with that one (and no insertion jokes, you crafty comedian you!).
July 28th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I humbly apologize, Mr. O’Brien. Describe the tatoos to me (all the Jersey one’s have them; makes them easy to sort) and I’ll promptly mail your sister’s leg back to you. She did indeed make the top 5 parts; much respect. One love.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Yeah Dan, your Mom was tough and gorgeous. I met her 22 years or so ago at the Jersey shore. The heady smell of the chemical plants in the air and the moonlight reflecting off all the oilspots of hair product in the ocean, Oh what a night. Tell her I said hi.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I beg your motherfucking pardon, J-Pappi. You may have “been to New Jersey,” but that doesn’t mean you’ve been to New Jersey, do you understand? Jersey’s got gorgeous chicks and, even better, fucking tough gorgeous chicks that you won’t find everywhere else.
You had better mind your manners, Sir.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Yuck. I’ve been to New Jersey and you couldn’t make one hot chick out of all their spare parts (and believe me I tried; Res_Ipsa can verify).
Glendoor, I’ll admit to purchasing a copy of that alblum myself when it came out; it was one of those white plastic things I think. Cassette? Every band in the 80’s looked like a bunch of homos (except Slayer, Venom, Death, Sepultura, etc.)…every POPULAR band I should say. Some were a lot more talented than others though.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I’m older than he is and I liked that Cinderella song and or album, can’t remember which I’m old remember, You are so hostile J-Pappi.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Florida on Spring Break?
Either that or it’s what New Jersey guido bros pretend their state is.
“Duuude, we’re in total Skanksylvania.”
July 28th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I Googled “Skanksylvania” and can’t find it. Where is it, Gladstone? Show a bloggah some love…I MUST travel there!
July 28th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I thought it was “Night Songs” by Cinderella. Gladstone’s old, remember?
Really, though; that was some extra funny shit. You’re gradually improving, and it was good to start with. Liked the R. Kelly line too.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
who cares lets all look at GREAT BOOBS MONDAY on http://www.onblastatlast.com
hyde d
July 28th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
The version of Eve 6’s “The Night” you use for your theme just rocks.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Well Gladstone you managed to make an image as disturbing as the infamous Bill O’ Reilly jockitch pictures.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
The face of Gladstone with the body of Miley Cyrus is something I will never be able to un-see no matter how hard I try.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
No I can not has buy you a new keyboard kingmonkey+1. You has can live in casnadia.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Neil - Christian Bale is the one and only Batman. Do not blaspheme.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Can My Ass Has Laugh Off? CMAHLO
Sounds like some really demented Lolcats.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
By the way, Gladdy, keep it up with the smarm.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Dammit, Metalbrainsurgery… now you owe me a keyboard because of that MACHLO comment.
I was just doing a line of coke of my space bar when I read your post and I snorted the Alt key up my nose.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:39 am
A return to excellence, gladstone!
Also, you and DOB can fight over who is spiderman all you want as long as you both recognize that I am very clearly batman.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I think I’m going to start a site based on the premise of autoerotic asphyxiation with soft drinks
July 28th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I think Gladstone is a fan of whatever banddoes that damn catchy theme song of his
July 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
My ass can has laugh off. MACHLO!
July 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Autoerotic autoasphyxiation.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:36 am
@DOB. This is the first time i’ve ever typed this, but here goes: LMAO.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:30 am
So musically, Gladstone’s criticized Kid Rock, the Smashing Pumpkins and now Miley Cyrus, (who is Miley Cyrus?) all on this blog. I think the evidence is pretty conclusive:
Gladstone hates any artist that isn’t Eve 6.
@Fnord and JCDent- I miss Lex, too. It’s a shame Gladstone replaced him.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I get the innuendo (and its oh-so-smart), but I don’t get how my breathing would be affected by… whatever you’re suggesting
July 28th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Bredman, a lot of people who surf the net have the same problem. It’s usually not because of coke though.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
sounds like a personal issue to me…
July 28th, 2008 at 10:17 am
I was taking a sip of coke when the ammended/exposed picture came on screen. Thanks a lot- now my wole keyboard is sticky and I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe properly for a few days.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Having never heard of 2 girls 1 cup…but being of moderate intelligence and reasoning, have decided not to look it up since it seems it will probably gross me out. So.
Fucking Hannah Miley Jacob Joan, THAT’S MY NAME TOO!!!!
Funny HBN. And it was good to see Jakob Dylan again if only in comparison to ole squinchy eyes.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Oh Jesus H. Christ. I thought you learned last week that no one likes HBN and had given up on this stupid ass video. I’m disappointed Wayne. I thought you were smarter than a retarded monkey. But I guess not.
HBN is the worst thing to hit the internet since 2 girls 1 cup.
I hope your brakes fail Wayne and you crash your car into a brick wall.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Until you two merge and become Lexstone, that is.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:45 am
It wasn’t pissed off, it was just explaining. I think Lex’s fans should just affirmatively send Lex love rather than send me grumblings. I’m a completely separate entity.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am
and wolfie….man, do i miss my lil wolfie!
he was a good dog,yeshewas,yeshewas, whowasagooddoggie?
sorry gladstone, didnt want to piss you off, i really like hbn very much,
but it just cant fill the void lex´s departure left in my heart and soul!!
ps: WOOT!! gladstone wrote me a pissed off e-mail!! just like maddox!
maybe i´ll start a collection of hatemail from webhumour celebrities!!
pps: whats the name of hbn´s theme song ….. JUST KIDDING!!!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Am I the only one who thinks that “controversial” Miley photo looks like an ad for “The Dark Knight”? Anyways, I spent all of high school picking on 15-year-old girls. They were the only ones weaker than me.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I too miss Lex… But this, this was as funny as it always is (that is, very funny). And if Gladstone wants to bang Milley Cirus, who are we to object? Let him have her, as a sign of our appreciation for all the good work he does.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:26 am
i still miss lex….i really do!!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:19 am
You get smarmier with every HBN.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Kucinich (did I get it right?) is just awkward to spell.
Aww. Gladstone doing something for DOB. In the finest of immature traditions:
Gladstone and DOB, sittin’ in a tree/
B-L-O-GG-I-N-G
July 28th, 2008 at 8:54 am
I sincerely hope this marks the beginning of a blog war between you and DOB, in which all readers will be forced to take sides to fight for the glory of being able to bash Hannah Montana
July 28th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Apparently I can’t fucking spell worth shit.
Not gonna fix it though.
July 28th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I thought Dennis Kucinish was Spider-Man
July 28th, 2008 at 8:49 am
First! Ahhh. The glory. Or lack thereof.