So as I recently mentioned, I’m now under contract with Cracked. And while I wasn’t able to secure any money or legal rights or scantily-clad assistants, I did get the man to concede to one point: two weeks of unpaid vacation. Yarp, that’s right. And I’m using one of them now. Why? Because I’m tired. Last week’s HBN was twice as long as a normal episode, and my new Windows Vista is still kicking my ass.
Sorry to disappoint, but hey, maybe this is like a “when life gives you lemons” kind of thing. This post can be anything you want it to be. Are you one of those lovely people who still misses Lex? Go watch an old douchebaggery episode and pretend it’s new. Do you want this blog post to transform into a DOB article? Go get a rhyming dictionary; look up “Jack”; and laugh and laugh and laugh. Do you want to recreate the experience of reading Ross Wolinsky? Stare at a wall for five minutes. (Make sure it’s a particularly unfunny wall).
Really, it’s all up to you.
BUT IF YOU’RE STILL DISAPPOINTED IN THE ABSENCE OF HBN, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO: MAKE SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR AN HBN TOPIC BELOW. SEND IN SOME TIMELY VIDEO LINKS. Oh and try to make sure your ideas don’t suck. That would help too. If I pick yours, I’ll be sure to give you a shout out in the blog post.
That’s right! A shout out! Can you believe it? I know Sarah “Lounsey” Malone can’t believe it because I have NEVER given her a shout out. Even though she’s one of HBN’s biggest boosters. Even though she has tangled with Gladstone haters in the comments. Even though she once sent me periodic Digg updates. And sent me a recipe for a deep fried Mars bar. And yet? Nothing. Lounsey gets nothing. I will not speak of her or her talented animator boyfriend Paddy or that today’s their 1 year anniversary, or really anything about her.
But the rest of you? Well all that shout out glory is just waiting for you!
Check out some more of Gladstone’s stuff HERE. And while you may already be his Facebook friend, have you joined the club that all the kids are talking about?
Last 5 posts by HBN
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
September 19th, 2008 at 2:38 am
I saw this report on CNN Headlines News and thought of HBN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEZ1ElTM9fk
September 18th, 2008 at 5:26 am
omg Gladstone you’re so famous now you have an imposter… could it be your neighbours husband?
September 17th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
BRING BACK LEX!!!
!!!!
September 17th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
sorry it’s half an hour long, but it shouldn’t be too hard to edit down, given that pretty much every statement is full of pompous idiocy.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm4HbqUKmY0
September 17th, 2008 at 10:37 am
At least the fake Gladstone isn’t as annoying as glendoor’s penis who was posting a while back.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Oh, shirtless blogging is the problem, is it? Webcams, everyone! Time to see who’s lettin’ the twins get some breeze and who’s a decent member of society.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:38 am
you guys *girls* sound pathetic.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I’m rather baffled as to how shirtless blogging is going to help us distinguish real posts from fakes ones… Did I miss something here? O_O
September 17th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Fake Gladstone is yet another reason for shirtless blogging. It’s the only way to know for sure.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:54 am
MJ, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish if we put our minds to it….. I do find it amusing that our team leader and nemesis are both called Gladstone.. this would make for one fun kids tv-show.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:32 am
While I personally found my own Gladstone impersonation joke HILARIOUS. I should note that I put in special care to make it obvious what I was doing (and then subtlety obvious as well, I hope you all noticed the u :)) and I completely agree with Lounsey on this one, as I do most things.
He’s just that annoying kid that thinks he’s funny and I’m sure it’ll loose appeal if we ignore him/her/it.
… That said I’ve been ignoring Kingmonkey for weeks now and he’s still emailing me photos of his boobs so the plan isn’t failsafe.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:06 am
This Gladstone impersonator thing is gonna get really old really fast.
Real Gladstone is right, exclusive clubs are mean.
Sorry I just gotta go on some more about the fake Gladstone thing. Anybody who regularly reads this thing should be able to spot him right away, cause he writes totally differently from real Gladstone….I urge you all to ignore him until he goes away.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:29 am
@ G-Stone.
You realise you started this club (army) yeah? Shame on you!
Also, there is no Gladstone impostor. It’s all in your mind.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Fictitious clubs with no perks exist on the internet? This new learning intrigues me…
September 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
BTW, I abhor exclusive clubs. very bizarre that i’m now affiliated with one. if it makes you feel better green, the club is fictitious and has no perks.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I can write a lengthy brief on why criminal convictions should (or should not) be overturned. I also know karate. And I’m half-Catholic (it’s complicated). And I like to drink and ruin my romantic relationships. Basically I’m a very underpowered, sighted Daredevil.
But I can give Team Lounsey one important thing: very, very, very insane people to use as, uh, assets. Seriously, I know a lot of batshit insane people who will do anything as long as you feed them beer and/or liquor. (Alas, J-Pappi, the weed days of college are forever gone.)
September 16th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Goddammit!
Will I ever sit at the cool table?
September 16th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
It is only a matter of time before Team Gladstone is pitted against the Swaim Shadies in a no-holds-barred cage match.
We’ll be ready, Lounsey. We’ll be ready.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Team Lounsey has reviewed your request, and according to our records, stoners don’t make good team players. They mostly eat all the chocolate and crisps.
To people in general: what do you feel that YOU would have to contriute to Team Lounsey also known as Team Gladstone? (it may shock you that we are different in name alone and are in fact made up of the same 3 people…but there ya go)
September 16th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
J-Pappi, although I have real Internet feelings for you, you are not getting boobie pics. And god is imaginary. And it doesn’t matter anyway, because I am no longer out. Which has eased the pain of my HBN withdrawal.
And I’d like to be visited by a representative of Team Lounsey to see if I’d be a good fit for the organization. I have quite a lot to offer, both as an individual and as a team player.
Plus, Gladstone is hot.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Not until my demands have been met, J-Pizzle. And I’m already your friend. Where is my man boobie pictorial?
September 16th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I’m still willing to post pics of my boobs… all oiled up and everything. Plus, that fungus thing is gone, too, so it’s much better than before.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
seems most of your fans are female…interesting. I have no links to give and nothing productive to say.
good day.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Tulip, that skin tape shit must cease. It’s giving me nightmares.
Greengoddess, running out of weed is what god does to people who don’t post boobie pics. I, on the other hand just re-upped and am quite remarkably happy. Anyone who wants to see my boobies send me a friend request.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
What I hate is no hate by numbers. No video. Not even a picture of my precious, swarthy Gladstone.
The greengoddess is angry.
Why, oh WHY does such horrible shit happen to me when I’m out of weed? GodDAMN you Gladstone!
I’m going now to pout and cry and stomp around in my rage…
September 16th, 2008 at 10:53 am
NON p0rn parts, damnit where is the edit function.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:52 am
I recomend doing one on the pirates xxx movie, the no p0rn parts of course. I know its a p0rn0 but the acting is beyond terrible. Eh I suppose I shouldn’t really complain, I actually liked the asian guy and the buttler.
And Evan Stone kinda reminded me of Zapp Branigan from Futurama.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I’d suggest a followup to Psychic Kids by covering Paranormal State as well. Equally as dumb. If not that, the Give Me a Break segment on ABC News is often pretty dumb. They did one a few months ago where Stossel was bitching about the fact that the gas light comes on even though you still have about 2 or 3 gallons in the tank. He was BITCHING about this.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am
BTW, Wallsy don’t know if you saw a comment from “Gladstone” saying UFOs are real. That was the Gladstone imposter.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:11 am
You could easily do an HBN segment about movie trailers. So many movies being made deserve so much bile. Just head over to apple.com/trailers and scan through.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I think Wallsy might be on to something with the Today Tonight idea though. That show is hilarious.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:56 am
How about a pictorial spread on “The girls from Cracked”. It has nothing to do with HBN but I think it would be pretty cool.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Pretty much everything on Today Tonight is just begging to be HBN’d, but this segment on UFOs last year was pretty much as good as it gets: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbmr_jely2o
September 16th, 2008 at 2:36 am
Hmmm… I’m not totally sure my comment went through. And I forget what it was. Something about ‘not enough Canada on Cracked’, ‘why isn’t there more Canada’, ‘you should do something about Canada’, ‘hey - I’M from Canada’, ‘Gladstone’s sexy’, and ‘here’s a Canadian clip - do that’.
Anyway. We Canadians feel shame in this event. But it makes me laugh, so why not?
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?rn=222561&cl=9713534&ch=222566
September 16th, 2008 at 1:12 am
B-B-B-B-Bang on the kick drum with tha rum-rum, hey now huh? Whatcha gonna do with the HBN-skees, huh? Gah.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Eric,
The one thing that show is missing is Ken Blankenship and Vic Romano - an extremely key ingredient. Without them, the show is stale and tasteless.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoHMd1yOBfM&feature=related
this one isnt as good as the one i saw earlier, but still funny as hell.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
This is a new show on fox:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sfym8MdKNNY
Wow.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY
Bill oriley matieriel there.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I wouldnt mind an HBN about a conspiracy theory given newstime on a major network.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
You could do a HBN on Paranormal State? or would you be bothered if ghost would become a theme?
September 15th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
You say that Ross is about to murder that hermit crab. To me it looks like he’s busting out some mad rhymes with the little fella.
You could always do a HBN on The View or Dr Phil. There would be so much smug, self satisfaction in one video it might create a world ending blackhole before the large hadron collider gets a chance to fire those two protons off in opposite directions.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I’m always helpful though, right? I mean, I’ve had some pretty cool ideas. I think you should do HBN in drag, but I know my plea will fall on deaf ears.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2RV8js_yWw
You’re welcome.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
To paraphase my favorite movie:
“Ya know, Fink, ordinarily we say anything you might remember could be helpful. But I’ll be
frank with you: That is not helpful.”
I was kind of just hoping for some clip links not metahumor ideas. But that’s ok. I’m sure Ross has already poached this for material.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Hi Gladstone! Long time, no talk. Congrats and all that, and enjoy as many girly drinks as possible on your vaca!
No, wait, you know what’s soooo funny? On Youtube? People put in words that aren’t lyrics but they sound like the lyrics and it’s FUNNY. You should do that!! But, uh, I dunno, say how you hate it afterwards?
I don’t think I understand the assignment?
Maybe you SHOULD do a segment on stuck up Starbuck’s baristas. My friend used to be in love with this one that always worked the drive-thru, and he developed and crippling caffeiene addiction going there twice a day. He even wrote this “joke” song about how hot she was, but at the end of the day it was kind of sad. Underneath the “jokes” there was an undercurrent of impotent rage at the rejection he recieved from hot people in the service industry, not to mention the heartbreaking longing.
Christ, now you HAVE to do one! Buncha Helen of Troy’s in green aprons if you ask me.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’ve noticed that HBN doesn’t have enough N’s anymore. We need more numbers, or its just Hate by Gladstone, which isn’t as catchy.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
@Wiglaf
If it is, then Gladstone and I need to have a serious talk.
WAYNE. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Hey! Isn’t that Gladstone in the background?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFkrpb6MSzI
September 15th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
How about something from BBC News or France 24 or Al-Jazeera? The badgering self-righteousness of the BBC’s HARDtalk is enough to make you sympathise with the most bigoted fanatic.
September 15th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
That hermit crab went down like a champ.
What does Gladstone, the man as opposed to the myth, hate? Teenagers’ haircuts? Things which smell like soup that aren’t soup? Spooning with Cracked compatriots after a night of liquor-induced confusion? Vent some of that trademark righteous wrath at your daily life.
Or count down your least favorite nicknames. Godspeed, G-Rocks.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I want you to be responsible for giving fanboys heart attacks. I suggest you do one counter-culturist.
Prison Break, Heroes, the upcoming 24. Your choice.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
do one on bill o’rielly or something. not that you haven’t done shows like that before. or have even done a bill o’rielly one before. I’m not sure. too lazy to check.
or maybe do an HBN on the cracked staff or something. also too lazy to check to see if that’s been suggested yet.
yeah, do something dammit.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Maybe an HBN on something serious that will make people go “Aww man…too far Gladstone, too far”
Ooohh like Intervention on A&E! Stage a fake intervention for…I dunno Swaim and dog raping for example.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:37 am
As your fiancee, Gladstone darling, I still think you should do an HBN about your teeth.
It would be so classy, and I would love you even more.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:07 am
You could do a fake news report about Ross being the Zodiac Killer and then–in true early 2000s “meta” fashion–do a HBN on your own fake news report (and Ross).
Scratch that, that’s a terrible idea.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:05 am
You can always delete it, right? I won’t tell anyone, I swear.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Do one about how you’re all out of ideas and expecting your readers to bail you out!
September 15th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Res Ipsa. That was how i was going to end the series. I hate you.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Would that make Team Lounsey the Justice League in disguise?
September 15th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Harold Icke and his “lizardmen control the Illuminati which control the world” videos, or others of that ilk? (YouTube search ‘em.) There was also a very interesting video about how Jesus was a mushroom, but that one doesn’t even need to be HBN’ed. Or maybe do a “classic” HBN, dress as a hippy, and HBN on one of LBJ’s “Viet Nam is going GREAT!” public speeches.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Team Lounsey and Team Gladstone are 2 totally different organisations. Choose wisely MJ, I have Paddy on my side, and even Gladstone thinks he’s Superman!
September 15th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Maybe it’s not such a good selection for HBN as is, but I’m sure you might find some material if you go to Youtube, and check out a user name DBootstheDiva.
Of nothing else, it will justify your lack of faith in mankind.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Whereas the OLD facebook sucked…harder…than…AAAAAH! YOUR MOM’S COLLAPSING SPACETIME! I WAS KIDDING! I WAS KIDDING!
Jeez, if Galactus drops by, I’ll know who to call.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Do it on the new facebook, it sucks harder than your mother.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:53 am
On second thoughts “Team Gladstone” would probably be a more fitting name for the army. That said, Team Lounsey will always hold a special place in my nerdette heart. *sob*
September 15th, 2008 at 9:52 am
@ Lounsey.
Sure, why not?!
Perhaps we will even make that the name of our brunette army. That’s assuming, of course, that we ever get our free airline tickets. I’m looking at you Wayne (if that is your real name!)
September 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I’d suggest that awful new 90210 show but that seems too easy a target. Kind of like punching an old lady holding a handicapped baby. Or how about that cliche-ridden “Ghost Town” movie and it’s arrogant star. Punch him instead.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I have a team now? Awesome.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I’d like to suggest something witty and original but I really, truly cannot.
Go team Lounsey! Enjoy your time off Gladstone.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:16 am
My appolgies Mr. G. I understand now. Please dont reccommend me to Ross for my ignorance.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I’d say anything on fox really… I was watching fox and friends the other day and dear me, I had my own imaginry HBN playing in my head. Also, I think I lost like half my IQ watching it, so I’m kinda afraid to go back to try and find material. I’m sorry Gladdy, you’re on your own!
September 15th, 2008 at 8:27 am
or possibly lars ulrich and his heniously condesending thanks to the fans through youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl2qocBpM1U
September 15th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Why dont you do a HBN on Eve 6? Surely you could find something to rant on about with them.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I thought the next one was going to be on the Jonas Brothers or something? No? ok then.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Man, this HBN was going downhill fast until DOB came by and spiced it up in the comments section! Good Job!
Also, Gladstone, why not try to find some ‘Best of’ Larry King DVD and just go to town?
September 15th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Cutidown,
The ideas have to pertain to something that most people know about, or have heard of, or are somewhat entertaining. DOB’s 0 for 3. Sorry.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Is there a professional courtesy thing on Cracked? Cause, a HBN on DOB…well thats just enough acronyms to be awesome.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Well, at least DOB didn’t try to give me any more HBN “ideas” this week. Usually, it’s always like “Hey, G Stone, you should totally do a Hate By Numbers about the barista at the Starbucks on Hollywood and Vine. She is SO stuck up. She never gives me her number.”
September 15th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Maybe Gladstone is pretending it’s his holiday so as not to lose face in front of his fans DOB.. and I thought you were classy. Bursting his bubble, and on his own blog comments section too. For shame Daniel, for shame.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Oh, see this is weird, because one of the stipulations I demanded in MY contract was that occasionally, G-Balls would shut up for a while and not post a video. Are we sure this week is your vacation and not my mandatory Gladstone hiatus? I think we need to call legal.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:22 am
Magic. I think I might cry.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:15 am
first