As I’ve told some of you in our sexy and private chats (meaning my Facebook status message) I’m not doing a Hate By Numbers this week. In its place is a golden oldie from a simpler time — five weeks ago. Watch Larry King (HBN’s Crown Prince) get to the bottom of an alien videotape controversy and/or not. Then read about why I’m not doing an HBN today after the jump!
But why no HBN this week? Well, there are many reasons. There are also many fake reasons. I’ve included both kinds below for you to sort out:
- I am in the middle of intense contractual negotiations and I’m withholding product in the hopes that Cracked caves to my one demand: scantily-clad, groupie assistants to work the camera and dust the green screen. (Frankly, I can’t believe they won’t give in here. I mean, I even left the definition of “scantily clad” way open — French Maid, Sexy Nurse, Vampiress. All good.)
- I’m scared of the vocal minority that insists I suck. I wake up with night terrors. And don’t get me started about the folks at Digg.com.
- I planned my week off with Dan O’Brien’s travel absence to bring the Cracked empire to its knees so we can launch our competing site: The Mace & Machete Comedy Show … .com.
- I am currently in talks with the Merchant/Ivory people to turn Hate By Numbers into a wartime romance set in the English countryside.
- Swaim offered me a role in Internet Party 3: Electric Booga-YouTube if I stop doing HBN. I think that’s a good deal, especially because he assures me Facebook girl thinks I’m dreamy.
- I’ve done it for 11 weeks straight, writing, delivering, and editing it myself, and I deserve a break.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
Last 5 posts by HBN
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
July 24th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I love like dancing bears. Come and wisit me blag with images of sexy muscular gys.
***lobe MIRA***
July 24th, 2008 at 1:48 am
How about a dancing bear?
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:55 am
Glendoor–well, yeah, you’re right. *sniff sniff* IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT I COULDN’T ESCAPE FROM MY MOM’S VAGINA EARLIER! . . .
20 years? Wow. I should have Wiki’ed it.
J-Pappi–neither Church nor Court. It’s really mangled and bastardized Latin supposedly meaning “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” And the rattlesnakes are always out. (I just like the phrase. Now, if I start spouting off “res judicata,” “sine non quod,” “quo warranto,” “actus reus/mens rea,” “a mensa et thoro,” et cetera, then I’m just going insane.)
Gladizzle, I’ve been to the Czech Republic (Prague is fucking awesome, by the way), and all the hottest women were in the goatse (pronounced over there “GO-at-seh”) bars, where they would “service” you. So, as J-Pappi says, I would give it a try. Czech women are really fucking hot, too.
(The above statement had only one lie. I promise.)
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Yeah but that’s a “.cz.” Maybe goatse means something different in the Czech Republic. Like “hot assistants,” for instance. YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU CLICK ON IT…
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
dude, you don’t even disguise the link. I’m not actually too old to recognize a goatse url. C’mon now.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Oh and gladstone, I have your sexy assistant here.
http://goatse.cz/
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Oh man did someone mention Twisted Sister. I love Twisted Sister. In the same way that I love pancakes. A couple are excellent, but after that meh.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
But you will always have your EVE 6.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:29 pm
This is all well and good gentlemen, but one day later, I am still without my assistants and, therefore, cracked without its HBN!
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Did Dee Snyder actually have a giant robot suit or was that something hidden in the deepest recesses of my mind?
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I liked Twisted Sister. They had some cool songs, and boss fashion accessories.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I had TS Stay Hungry also.
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I’ll admit to buying a cassette of TS’s “Stay Hungry” when it came out. Fuck I’m getting old. R_I, quit showing off the Latin; none of us are on trial, nor are you holding church service. At least I don’t think you are; did you break out the rattlesnakes again?
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Hey R_I you’re showing you’re age 8 tracks were viable for twenty years or so.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I just love Hate By Numbers Is On Vacation. come And visit me on my blog where I have plenty of pictures of hot muscular manful guys and steamy sexy chatlogs with them…
love and kisses MIRA….. *****69*******
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
No kidding.
Great humor in these videos though, stuff you generally can’t express in writing. Well done!
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I love how there’s a person commenting on their hatred of hate by number in spite of the fact that there was none this week…. that’s some hardcore hatred right there.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
Oh man–8-tracks. For how long were those even viable? And maybe Gladstone should look beyond the comments section of his blog for sexy assistants . . . seeing as how most commentators seem to be ostensibly male . . .
Illegitimi non carborundum!
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Also, the two singles Eve 6 had: The one of their first CD was “Inside Out” and the one off their second CD was the disgustingly sappy “Here’s to the Night.” But judging Eve 6 by the latter would misrepresent them–it was the obligatory crappy ballad that every damn band seems to make.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Showing his age? He hasn’t even mentioned his Twisted Sister cassettes or Grand Funk Railroad 8-tracks!
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Man, Gladstone, you’re showing your age. Which Tonic song? Casual Affair? If You Could Only See? Do you need a nap? Would you like to listen to your INXS CD? Would you like Dan the Man to come give you a back massage?
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Hijacked by Eve 6 comments– now that’s an expensive hat!
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:06 am
So, does this mean you want your Christmas present or not?
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:57 am
Damn you, O’Brien. The comments to this post were meant to be filled with people sending in pictures to apply for the job as groupie/assistant. Now you’ve hijacked it with some one hit 90s band that no one actually likes (or dislikes). I can’t remember what their hit was, but I did kind of like that song by Tonic at around the same time. I’ll get you, DOB. You and all your new L.A. friends.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 am
Hey, I know I’ll be flamed to a crisp for this–but I actually like Eve 6. >_<;
July 21st, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Wait, if you don’t own any Eve 6 songs, what is the theme song really? Have you been lying to us, Gladstone?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Glendoor, your subtlety never ceases to amaze me. I’ve never heard of Eve 6. I take it I’m lucky in my ignorance? If they’re easily mistaken for INXS then I imagine so.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I always get aroused by the sexy genie in the Frederick’s catalog.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Well then you will be mighty pleased with your Christmas present. OOOPPS.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I own no Eve 6, but DOB that is one of my favorite X files episodes.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Gladstone must be very happy that they reunited, then. Theories:
1) Gladstone has a secret crush on Max.
2) Gladstone was secretly raised by Eve 6, like Mowgli was raised by wolves in The Jungle Book.
3) Gladstone reached satori after listening to all three CDs backwards, back-to-back.
4) Gladstone lost his virginity to “Inside-Out.”
5) Gladstone commonly confuses Eve 6 with INXS.
6) Drugs.
7) Alien abductions / anal probes.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
The Good Sergeant Glendoor has the right idea. We should ALL send Gladstone Eve 6 memorabilia. If you don’t feel like shelling out the money, just talk to Gladstone about Eve 6, because he loves hearing about them so much. Go be his Facebook friend and flood his facebook wall with either quotes from Eve 6 songs, (”Hey Gladstone, Swallow your doubt and turn it inside out, am I right, my man?”), or even post full music videos if you can. I swear to you, he’ll love it. If you have his email address, constantly send him updates on the band’s status, (”July 21st, 2008: Still not a very good band.”).
He might be too shy to admit it, but Gladstone would be just a great big happy bear if we focused the comments section of all of his articles on late-nineties pop rockers Eve 6.
I’ll start with this one. Today’s discussion:
Why do you guys think Gladstone loves Eve 6 so much?
I think it’s because they get their name from an X-Files episode. (Gladstone loves the X-Files.) Or maybe it’s just because the Southern California trio is sometimes gritty and cranky, but other times thoughtful and deep, much like Gladstone himself.
Thoughts?
July 21st, 2008 at 7:11 pm
yawn, I can make a clone too, yo…
Fuck all yall, Hate By Numbers is wack yo, so is MC Gladstone yo…
WESTSIDE !!!!!
July 21st, 2008 at 6:56 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well, I know what Gladstones getting for Christmas. Shit I hope he doesn’t read this, it will spoil the surprise.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Excellent question, Glendoor, thanks for asking! The song playing in the background is “Here’s to the Night” by Eve 6. Eve 6 is Gladstone’s hands down, desert island favorite band. He has several Eve 6 t-shirts and one set list signed by the entire band! He’s very proud of it.
Gladstone loves Eves 6.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Oh, that thing where they play the Morphine song, what’s the name of that song?
July 21st, 2008 at 6:30 pm
What’s “Hate by Numbers”?
July 21st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I hate my parents too. I’m pretty sure my father was an extra in the Muppets and my mother melted chocolate to give to little boys and girls in the neighborhood so dad could watch from the window and jerk off.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
It’s okay Dan, we all hate your parents, it evens out nicely.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Maybe people have a Highlander-esque sense of Cracked videos. There can be only one! Wait. There are many videos here. Screws that theory.
“Foppish Disdain by Numbers”
“Irked Annoyance by Numbers”
“Hysterical Apoplexy by Numbers”
“Flamboyant Rage by Numerical Integers”
“El Odio Por Los Numeros” (My Spanish is likely not up to par; I don’t know how to properly translate “by” in this situation. Using “de” would produce “Hate of Numbers,” wouldn’t it?)
Oh, in case it needs clarification, “Dan the Man” hates “Hate by Numbers” and hates Gladstone. Just so everyone’s clear on the matter.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I hate “Hate by Numbers” and I hate Gladstone.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Also, I would LOVE to see flamboyant Gladstone. “Shrill Disgust By Numbers” anyone?
July 21st, 2008 at 2:24 pm
when are these retards going to actually read the million times that Gladstone has said that he isn’t replacing anybody? at all. The basis for these eroneous allegations seems to stem from the fact that HBN too is in video format. And by those standards, any of the writers here that started blogging for cracked a short time before another stopped are also replacing them….
July 21st, 2008 at 2:23 pm
“As a person privy to Gladstones most private information, I can confirm that the real reason he isn’t doing HBN this week is because he’s coming out of the closet in the next one and needs time to prepare.” - Lounsey
“I’ve done it for 11 weeks straight, writing, delivering, and editing it myself, and I deserve a break.” - Gladstone
Lounsey: Are you suggesting that Gladstone is now going to do it for 11 weeks gay? Flamboyant Hate by Numbers? ¡No lo creo!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
You don’t suck, per se… you just aren’t nearly as good as what you’re apparently supposed to be replacing. Which is to say - The News on Cracked.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
kingmonkey is obviously joking, and nobody should be answering his question about the HBN theme song.
As a person privy to Gladstones most private information, I can confirm that the real reason he isn’t doing HBN this week is because he’s coming out of the closet in the next one and needs time to prepare.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:47 am
I am glad you are not dead
July 21st, 2008 at 11:43 am
The Night by Moprphine, you say? Now why couldn’t you have told us that at some point, Glad-man?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:09 am
No HBN? This is a good start Gladstone. Now kill yourself. You have no reason to go on with life.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:02 am
Am I the only one who wants to see a Gladstone-produced wartime romance set in the English countryside? It could star Mace & Machete and a scantily clad French vampire maid who is also a nurse. I smell an Academy Award. It’s even more assured if all the dialogue is in Cherokee, with Sanskrit subtitles.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:53 am
Deserve? You deserve nothing. NOTHING! But thanks for giving me some new ideas for pRon to look up; things were getting a bit stale. And also for the new euphemism for jerking off: “I think I’ll go polish the green screen.” Yes, I know you actually said “dust,” I just enjoy the art of embellishment.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:29 am
dammit, no new HBN this week, and DOB won’t post on Friday. The Mace and Machete Comedy Show.com better be amazing
July 21st, 2008 at 9:17 am
The reason better be Mace & Machete Comedy Show. Anything less is just cruel.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:15 am
kingmonkey + 1, the gorgeous and witty Mr. Gladstone’s theme-song is ‘The Night’ by Morpheine. It’s a great song, and the band have many others that are equally cool.
And for the aforementioned raconteur: enjoy your holiday, chief.
P.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am
This time, though, the video is in a quality player unlike the first run where it was brought to you in blurr-o-vision.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:52 am
Laziness. I swear.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:20 am
Thanks. Now Im going to have wet dreams about a Mace and Machete comedy extravaganza and wake up to know it will never happen.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:00 am
back next monday, king.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:27 am
I would have demanded a scantily clad french vampire maid. That would be… hell, I’d never leave home.
So Gladstone is leaving for a while. That sucks. I’m gonna have his theme song stuck in my head and will have to wait for him to come back to tell me what song it is.