Hate By Numbers Is On Vacation
As I've told some of you in our sexy and private chats (meaning my Facebook status message) I'm not doing a Hate By Numbers this week. In its place is a golden oldie from a simpler time -- five weeks ago. Watch Larry King (HBN's Crown Prince) get to the bottom of an alien videotape controversy and/or not. Then read about why I'm not doing an HBN today after the jump!
But why no HBN this week? Well, there are many reasons. There are also many fake reasons. I've included both kinds below for you to sort out:
- I am in the middle of intense contractual negotiations and I'm withholding product in the hopes that Cracked caves to my one demand: scantily-clad, groupie assistants to work the camera and dust the green screen. (Frankly, I can't believe they won't give in here. I mean, I even left the definition of "scantily clad" way open -- French Maid, Sexy Nurse, Vampiress. All good.)
- I'm scared of the vocal minority that insists I suck. I wake up with night terrors. And don't get me started about the folks at Digg.com.
- I planned my week off with Dan O'Brien's travel absence to bring the Cracked empire to its knees so we can launch our competing site: The Mace & Machete Comedy Show ... .com.
- I am currently in talks with the Merchant/Ivory people to turn Hate By Numbers into a wartime romance set in the English countryside.
- Swaim offered me a role in Internet Party 3: Electric Booga-YouTube if I stop doing HBN. I think that's a good deal, especially because he assures me Facebook girl thinks I'm dreamy.
- I've done it for 11 weeks straight, writing, delivering, and editing it myself, and I deserve a break.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
I love like dancing bears. Come and wisit me blag with images of sexy muscular gys.
Reply***lobe MIRA***
How about a dancing bear?
ReplyGlendoor--well, yeah, you're right. *sniff sniff* IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I COULDN'T ESCAPE FROM MY MOM'S VAGINA EARLIER! . . .
Reply20 years? Wow. I should have Wiki'ed it.
J-Pappi--neither Church nor Court. It's really mangled and bastardized Latin supposedly meaning "Don't let the bastards grind you down." And the rattlesnakes are always out. (I just like the phrase. Now, if I start spouting off "res judicata," "sine non quod," "quo warranto," "actus reus/mens rea," "a mensa et thoro," et cetera, then I'm just going insane.)
Gladizzle, I've been to the Czech Republic (Prague is fucking awesome, by the way), and all the hottest women were in the goatse (pronounced over there "GO-at-seh") bars, where they would "service" you. So, as J-Pappi says, I would give it a try. Czech women are really fucking hot, too.
(The above statement had only one lie. I promise.)
Yeah but that's a ".cz." Maybe goatse means something different in the Czech Republic. Like "hot assistants," for instance. YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU CLICK ON IT...
Replydude, you don't even disguise the link. I'm not actually too old to recognize a goatse url. C'mon now.
ReplyOh and gladstone, I have your sexy assistant here.
Replyhttp://goatse.cz/
Oh man did someone mention Twisted Sister. I love Twisted Sister. In the same way that I love pancakes. A couple are excellent, but after that meh.
ReplyBut you will always have your EVE 6.
ReplyThis is all well and good gentlemen, but one day later, I am still without my assistants and, therefore, cracked without its HBN!
ReplyDid Dee Snyder actually have a giant robot suit or was that something hidden in the deepest recesses of my mind?
ReplyI liked Twisted Sister. They had some cool songs, and boss fashion accessories.
ReplyI had TS Stay Hungry also.
ReplyI'll admit to buying a cassette of TS's "Stay Hungry" when it came out. Fuck I'm getting old. R_I, quit showing off the Latin; none of us are on trial, nor are you holding church service. At least I don't think you are; did you break out the rattlesnakes again?
ReplyHey R_I you're showing you're age 8 tracks were viable for twenty years or so.
ReplyNo kidding.
ReplyGreat humor in these videos though, stuff you generally can't express in writing. Well done!
I love how there's a person commenting on their hatred of hate by number in spite of the fact that there was none this week.... that's some hardcore hatred right there.
ReplyOh man--8-tracks. For how long were those even viable? And maybe Gladstone should look beyond the comments section of his blog for sexy assistants . . . seeing as how most commentators seem to be ostensibly male . . .
ReplyIllegitimi non carborundum!
Also, the two singles Eve 6 had: The one of their first CD was "Inside Out" and the one off their second CD was the disgustingly sappy "Here's to the Night." But judging Eve 6 by the latter would misrepresent them--it was the obligatory crappy ballad that every damn band seems to make.
ReplyShowing his age? He hasn't even mentioned his Twisted Sister cassettes or Grand Funk Railroad 8-tracks!
ReplyMan, Gladstone, you're showing your age. Which Tonic song? Casual Affair? If You Could Only See? Do you need a nap? Would you like to listen to your INXS CD? Would you like Dan the Man to come give you a back massage?
Reply