So for pretty much my whole life I’ve been kind of a love him or hate him guy. I have a special talent for polarizing people. Don’t get me wrong. I know what I’d have to do to change that. How to behave differently. Questions not to ask. Things not to say. Jokes not to make. But for the most part, I’ve disregarded that knowledge and just done what I wanted. Not because I’m some selfless martyr. And not because I have more integrity than the next guy — unless that next guy is a certain blogger whose name rhymes with pDan pO’Brien. (Hint: those are silent “p”s.) But no. Mostly I’ve gone my own way just because not doing so took too much energy. Besides, my ability to catalyze strong feelings —even feelings of disdain for me— has served me well. It lets me know who’s who and what’s what. I’m pretty much not comfortable with someone until I’ve pissed them off. (Just ask my editor and life coach Jack O’Brien. Let’s just say at this point — I’m very comfortable with Jack.)
Someone else who I’d add to that list is Matt Tobey. We’ve been friends for some time now, and he’s been one of the main Jiminy Crickets of Hate By Numbers. For example, it was Matt’s wisdom that put the kabash on the episode 8 Reasons All Australians Should Be Euthanized. And he’s the one who suggested the Kid Rock episode. He also sent me a link about the Steve Jobs iPhone 3G presentation. And since Matt’s so funny I thought I’d see about bringing him on as a co-writer this week. After all, truth be told, I’m not really pissed off about the iPhone 3G or anything. So I asked Matt for help andI told him I’d give him byline credit and half the paycheck. But then I didn’t. Because I didn’t use any of his suggested jokes. Sure they were funny, but there’s something else you have to remember: I’m also good at polarizing people because I’m a dick.
This entry was posted on Monday, June 16th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Apple, Hate By Numbers, Steve Jobs, iPhone. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
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Hate By Numbers: 6 Things That Pissed Me Off About CNN’s Bikini Teacher Report
8 Things That Pissed Me Off About The FoxNews Fat Cops Report
6 Things I Hate About The New Miley Cyrus Song (Or Screw You Dan O’Brien — A Tribute To Dan O’Brien)
Why Microsoft Will Never Be Cool (And Should Stop Trying)
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April 23rd, 2009 at 2:02 am
I think you made some good points
June 21st, 2008 at 8:55 am
I have no interest in such article. Am a sexy big beauty and just want to seek fun online. Anyone there want to know me? Let’s mingle here @ P l u s M e e t . c o m___, where so many big boob women, big booty women and their admirers meet and seek fun&love together.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I don’t know about that Stef, but I think i can get you one where he says, “[you're] a white … also very beautiful.”
June 19th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Yeah… I wasn’t really feeling the hate in this one, but I don’t fully blame The Gladstone. The way Jobs said “beauuuuutiful” just made me feel all tingly and I wish he was looking into my eyes and calling me “slim and beauuuutiful”. If he offered that as a ringtone, I might save up my nickles for this.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am
“I’m an Australian and I don’t appreciate being screwed with. Furthermore… Ahh, who am I kidding? I don’t care. I’m an Australian, we rarely give a shit about anything besides beer.
I would be interested to see that HBN though.”
That and violence in sports, and pissing off the English. As a Scot, I agree with both of those noble goals. No wonder my brother fits in so well over in your lovely country.
Kudos Gladstone. While we’re on the subject there’s a street in Glasgow that’s near me named Gladstone Street, probably something to do with William Ewart Gladstone, an old Liberal Party leader and enemy to Benjamin Disraeli (who was a dick) and on many occasions referred to him as being said total dick.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
That’s exactly what the Reptoids would want me to do!!!!
June 17th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Ah yes, the iLarry.
You should start taking your medication again, glendoor47.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Yes, this post definitely needs more hatred, why don’t you talk about how Steve Jobs has
been bankrolling Kid Rock’s career or how Jobs has designed a life like Larry King android so when Larry passes on the robot will take over so the world will never be without Larry’s hard hitting journalism.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Heh, that made me chuckle a bit. I guess its my favorite one now. Keep up the good work.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Yes, I must admit, i don’t have much antipathy for jobs or the iphone, but I needed to shake things up.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:39 am
We all saw this coming. Expect a new iPhone with a new 2 year contract every year until Steve Jobs is assas… dies of natural causes. How many fucking iPhone and iPod versions do they really have to shit out each year before they are satisfied? Trying to buy an iPod accessory has become ridiculous, there are more generations than Star Trek.
Anyhow, good HBN, not as much seething hatred as I would like, but not a bad Monday opener.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Also, Yahoo Serious… Don’t you get it? Yahoo. Serious. They’re contradictory words! That’s what makes him funny!
No, Yahoo Serious sucks ass. I’d be willing to find and dispose of him myself for a fee.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:02 am
I’m an Australian and I don’t appreciate being screwed with. Furthermore… Ahh, who am I kidding? I don’t care. I’m an Australian, we rarely give a shit about anything besides beer.
I would be interested to see that HBN though.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:44 am
I had it a couple of times for varies things. It always made me feel like I was dancing on a cloud.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
morhpine makes me puke everywhere, hard. learned that after I had brain surgery.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Yeah, next you’ll be wanting The Night by Morphine to play your damn theme song.
I like morphine, the drug anyway.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
You want Diggs? I just told you there’s a fucking street named after you! What more do you want?
June 16th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Damn, CrazyCracker long time no see. I was getting worried.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Yes, but the cheap ones only come in black so that makes white special. I wasn’t seriously calling Steve Jobs a racist.
It’s been awhile since i lied about offering free candy for a digg. This thing is awful close to breaking, but could easily stall now. So here I go:
Free fictitious candy for everyone who diggs!!!
June 16th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I think you guys misunderstood…I thought he said you can get the 16 GB for $299 in either black or white
June 16th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
@ kingmonkey +1 , I believe the song is Morphine by the band The Night.
@ Metalbrainsurgery Being that Steve Jobs is a BViT (Bond Villain in Training) I would say it is both.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
anyone notice you cant get a white 16 gig? so only the whites can do that much. There are no whites below said line. latent racism or just stupid marketing?
June 16th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
What’s the name of that song you use, Gladstone?
Incidentally, we have a street named after you here in Casnadia’s capital. You connect Little Italy and Elgin St. (where most of our bars are).
June 16th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Hey glendoor, the band is Morphine - The Night.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
It’s good that you can get good and pissed at anything. I wouldn’t be able to make it through my day otherwise.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
So, does this Matt guy look like Jiminy Cricket, too? Sing like him maybe?
June 16th, 2008 at 10:43 am
I have no interest in such article. Am a sexy big beauty and just want to seek fun online. Anyone there want to know me? Let’s mingle here @ P l u s M e e t . c o m___, where so many big boob women, big booty women and their admirers meet and seek fun&love together.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:00 am
i’ll have you know that I read both Dan and Matt’s comments as real before i realized they were friends of mine. And then i realized they were still real.
June 16th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I’m with Matt Tobey on this one. I find Gladstone’s conservative/liberal smariness and dickness to be just too aggravating.
Though black is beautiful. I can get behind that.
June 16th, 2008 at 9:34 am
It doesn’t exist. In truth, I wrote that just to screw with a couple of Cracked’s Austrailian viewers. Not that Yahoo Serious isn’t grounds for such a plan.
June 16th, 2008 at 9:19 am
That guy sure was working awful hard to sell some pretty unimpressive shit. “Wooo, look at the pretty metal buttons….ahhhh, look, it’s got a display that displays things.” I’m so glad I’ve avoided the business world so that I’m not forced to attend shit like this on a regular basis. What a bunch of tools.
If that HBN about Australians actually exists (even if only as a script), I think it’s mighty cruel of you to withhold it, Gladstone.
June 16th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Hey Gladstone, what’s the name of the song that you use as the theme for hate by numbers? ………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Anyway, this episode was great and it seems to me that Steve Jobs has one upped Henry Ford. Who once said “the customer can have a model T in any color they want , as long as it’s black.” That was paraphrased.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Yeah. Those things are like willingly going to watch an infomercial. I have better things to do with my time.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:09 am
You watched the entirety of that boring presentation? I salute you.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:07 am
normally I like nearly everything on hate by numbers, but I found this tacky and tasteless.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Freedom from the tyranny of buttons! Long live the touch screen!
June 16th, 2008 at 7:44 am
ok back to some serious comments doesn´t every one see this coming , i mean like fucking hell , it s so predictable that this will happen but all the apple fanboys will be like oh my goddd it s the third coming of jesus
June 16th, 2008 at 7:05 am
first biatch