Happy Post-Thanksgiving! Why I'm Sleeping Naked In Your Fireplace
What the Fuck?
Hi there! It's me, the charming guy covered in bruises and gravy, face-down with his head in your (thankfully) unlit fireplace and one leg draped awkwardly on what looks like a fairly expensive ottoman. Happy Black Friday!
Also You're Naked.
Thought I covered that with "charming," but that's fine. I am naked, you are very correct. Sharp though your detective skills clearly are, you've still understandably got a lot of questions, and I'd like to help you answer them, ideally before you call the cops.
How Did You Get In Here?
That's a good question, but the "how" is nowhere near as important as the "why."
Okay, Why Are You Here?
That's also not important. Hope this clarifies everything; I'll be on my way now.
I've Dialed 9 and 1...
Okay okay okay. We'll start over, what are some questions you'd like answered?
How Did You Get In My Damn House?!
Easy. One part know-how, one part elbow-grease, one part ingenuity, and one part I-broke-in-through-your-skylight. Figured you'd be out shopping for Black Friday deals all morning so I was free to make as much noise as I wanted. That's probably why your master bedroom smells like hot farts and curse words.
Why Are You Naked?
Why is anyone naked, you know? Aren't we all, on some level, always naked, and also never naked? But on a more hometown level, I'm naked because I used my clothes to put out a fire someone started in your linen closet.
Did You Start-
Yes, I started a small fire in your linen closet. I'm not used to staying somewhere so fancy, I had no idea what a linen closet was. Assumed it was a primitive stove, etcetera etcetera, this part's boring, let's move on, next question.
Please Take This Towel.
That's not a question.
Would You Like To Cover Yourself Up With a Towel?
I would not.
It Looks Like Your Covered In My Leftover Thanksgiving Gravy. Am I Right About That?
You are! The short story is I did it for funsies, the long is that I did it to try to drown out all of the ants I'd brought into your house with me and, yes, I brought ants into your house. They are just everywhere.
Why Did You Draw Moustaches on All of the Pictures of My Family?
To raise money and awareness for cancer research you asshole.
Oh. Is That Why You Shaved My Cat, Too?
Sure.
Why Are You Covered in Bruises?
OOH, this is unrelated to most of the other stuff. I had this idea for a reality show about like somebody, (me), who goes around and ends up getting a bunch of crooked settlements and sweet deals because our judicial system is the balls. So, I set up your attic ladder and then tossed myself down it, and then I was going to see if I could sue you for damages, like for having an unsafe ladder. I'd get a bunch of bruises, find a good lawyer, take-
This is Already Too Involved; Give Me the 'Elevator Pitch.'
Incorrigible scamp uses schemes and scams to exploit the legal system for financial gain to highlight how corrupt and hole-filled our current courts really are.
What Sort of Schemes?
It's not fully-formed yet. I told you about falling down the attic ladder. I also had this other one where I just leave a regular ladder out somewhere, like at construction site and then I trip over it. Or maybe I walk under a ladder and then sue someone for bad luck? I don't know, I got on a pretty big ladder kick in the brainstorming session.
Interesting, But I'm Worried You Couldn't Get Any Star-Power Attached, and Celebrity is Really Make-or-Break These Days
What if I told you I could get Wesley Snipes as the defense attorney?
I Would Watch That Show.
Boom, yeah you would. So my next step would be to sue you because your ladders are faulty, and your gravy is too slippery on the body, and your kid's bike is broken.
You Broke My Son's Bike?
Is that all you got out of that sentence? Jeez. Yes, technically, I did. But we'll see who broke what in the eyes of the law.
Speaking of, I Dialed 1.
Dammit, okay, that's fine. There's a very real possibility that I'm going to try to swing you as a hostage in a bit, so are there any last questions on your mind?
Just 'Why,' I guess? Why to All of These Awful, Awful Things?
Do you remember the First Thanksgiving? In school, we are taught that the Pilgrims and Indians joined hands. Land disputes were ignored, religious debates were temporarily placed on hold and cultural gaps were, for just a night, bridged. They set aside their differences and sat together for dinner, as equals.
Frankly, that's not how it went down. In reality, the Pilgrims showed up on the Indians' land, took what they wanted and kicked the Indians to the side, sticking them in crappy reservations and as bad guys in cowboy movies, (even though, really, Pilgrims VS Indians would have been a much more realistic-- albeit slightly more boring-- genre of movie). Pilgrims invaded America, they didn't discover it. We've been teaching our children the wrong lessons about Thanksgiving.
"Well...shit."
I ask you, what lesson is that teaching? What kind of children are we trying to raise by promoting that image of America? Because, sure, in the short term, America and the Pilgrims look great. But those kids are going to grow up and find out that they've been lied to about America, by America. We're raising generations of people who are bound to turn out bitter and cynical, distrustful of authority. Is that what we want? Do you see where I'm going with this?
Cops Are Five Minutes Away.
What I'm part of is a Global Movement of Truth. In an effort to spread the word about what really went down at the first Thanksgiving, every year I'm going to break into someone's house, act like I own the place, take whatever I want, spread ants around the way Pilgrims spread diseases among the Indians, and also maybe I throw some actual smallpox in the mix, get naked to symbolize the bold and shameless and unapologetic nature of our ancestors and because running around naked is awesome, see if there are any pets around and-
Can You Put Your Hands Behind Your Head And Walk With Me, Please?
Yeah, in a second, officer, I'm doing a thing, here. Now-
Hang on, Smallpox?
A little bit. As symbolism. And I only did it to spread the word about Thanksgiving. Our Pilgrim forefathers were takers. They took food, land, shelter, and they probably would've taken some of your DVDs if they'd had the opportunity, but they didn't, and I did. Is that a crime?
Yes.
Yep.
Word? Huh. Wow, I guess I learned something today, then. And, really, isn't that what Thanksgiving's truly all ab-
[Sound of a Taser]
Don't tase him, bro.
ReplyThis is absolutely hilarious. :D Loved it. :) And it also taught me everything i now know about Thanks Giving... Naice.
ReplyStill never read a bad DOB article.
Replyhaha, it is nice, can I post this artical to my own blog on POZ-Dating[.]Com ? I have many poz friends there, I believe they will love this.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI always ask this kind of questions, but no respones here, who can tell me whether I can share this with my POZ friends on POZ-Dating[.]Com ?
Wow spambots are getting clever
NO. YOU CAN'T f**kING SHARE. Stupid spambots, ruining every Cracked article.
Why,hello spambot. It's nice to see you- what are you doing naked in my fireplace?
Very subtle...Not
It's about time. I used to look forward to your articles and your's only. Then something happened and you sucked for a long, long time. Do some more like the 28 Days and the Tax evasion one.
ReplyThat's probably why your master bedroom smells like hot farts and curse words
ReplyHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH. I again have woken my sleeping girls up from laughin so f**kin hard at a Cracked article... Thanks
I love how its just ends with a taser
ReplyThis was funny until you lied about Thanksgiving like a dbag.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesThis scenario has him lying naked in front of a fireplace. I would have told the homeowner that the pilgrims were space aliens and the Indians had machine guns if it meant I got out before a taser was thrust into my balls.
....seriously, does Thanksgiving bring out the idiots or something?
look at the comments below this. did they actually read this article? i mean, when i scrolled down the last thing i suspected was a philosophical discussion.
Read "A People's History of the United States", and then the whole calling someone out about not having, what I would consider, an irrelevant fact straight, just ends up seeming like splitting hairs. So let me more "accurately" sum up that section of the rant. "Western Europeans came to America, and more or less committed genocide on a cosmic sum of native peoples, and then displaced and forcefully segregated the remaining population. Hundreds of years later they demonize some of the most likely candidates for a utopian society to ever exist as uncouth, scalping savages in films that make solving problems with guns the go-to solution of everyday life."
I'm too tired for this right now.
(ignore THIS comment - my other posted twice and I couldn't find a seemingly impossible to forget delete button. Programmers. Gotta love 'em.)
Utopian society? Now you're stretching things. Settlers did some horrible things to the Native Americans, but not all of them were intentional. For example, small pox blankets weren't spread to the native Americans because the settlers somehow knew how pathogens worked before Pasteur was even in diapers. The settlers thought "hey, I had small pox, I used this blanket, and I got better. Maybe it'll help the native Americans, too".
As for territorial disputes, the Native Americans fought each other over land (hence, there being separate tribes), too. The only real travesty has what Jackson did to the Cherokee tribe and the proceeding land seizures. Not every tribe was peaceful; the Comanches thrived by raiding more peaceful tribes.
I'm not going to justify what happened, and it was terrible, but I'm not going to buy your whole "noble savage" bull s**t about the natives living in a peaceful utopia. Every society has problems, and the native tribes that lived in the west were far from peaceful. Everybody in those battles were bloodthirsty war-mongerers; the settlers and many of the tribes. Not all of the tribes, but quite a few.
So don't paint this as a case of "white = evil, always; therefore, Natives = good always". I'll grant that the trail of tears was terrible, and the reservation system reminds me of apartheid.
Also, a number of American Indian tribes practiced cannibalism. Sure some tribes were peaceful, but most were cruel and barbaric and would still be that way if Europeans hadn't shown up.
The reservation system today is less like apartheid and more like a system where they have their own law and casinos and fireworks with minimal interference from the federal government and lots of government aid.
Whites were guilty of evil actions when they took over America, but all peoples have done evil stuff. That's no reason to condemn them.
Unfortunately the part about Thanksgiving isn't true.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesThe Pilgrims moved in to unoccupied land (the original owners having died from an unknown outbreak about a decade before). The celebration lasted for 3 days and was also a thanks to the Indians who were not equals but superiors who had helped out. The Pilgrims signed a peace treaty with the Indians that lasted for longer than any of the signers lived (56 years).
That was the original Thanksgiving. Anything else after was not the Pilgrims specifically or the original Thanksgiving.
Bulls**t, it was all rape and plunder, all the time. Everything else is revisionist history and propaganda.
either the victors or the guy with the pen get to write history
Haaaaaaahahahfgbgffb.
For more information google "Conquistadora the explorer"
the historical exchange.
Pilgrim: write how nice we were and how savage the indians were
guy with pen: why would i do that
pilgrim: you can pork my wife
guy with pen: but she's ugly
pilgrim: fine you can pork my daughter
guy with pen: but she's even uglier!
Indian: write the truth and we will give you secret to ULTRA PIE!
guy with pen: SOLD!
Hahaahaha malicron ! J/k rape is NOT funny O_o..
No, it's not that unfortunate. It's unfortunate that when people make an attempt to get others to ditch the rose-tinted glasses, the response is by and large from "intellectuals" who would like to correct grammatical errors instead of addressing the easy to understand underlying message. It's also unfortunate that public school and Fox news would have people believe a load of s**t, depending on your age group and economic class. Take Afghanistan for instance. Research the end of the Cold War. Then wrap your head around how utterly f**ked up what we are doing really is. George Bush = Cobra Commander.
classic o'brien. i havent laughed like that since encyclopedia brown.
Replyf**king brilliant.
ReplyDan, you're a master.
Am I the only one who finds it strange how Dan seems to act like a lunatic off camera?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's easier than acting like a lunatic on-camera? DOB can't top Swaim in that department.
Wow, psychofreak, how very calm and observant of you.
Zing!
You know, hot farts melt hearts.
Replythis is incredibly unrealistic. who on earth would be upset about a naked, gravy covered Dan O'brien in their house??
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesthe ants and smallpox I can see being a bit of a downer, but thats the price you gotta pay for gravy covered nakedness.
and I would totally watch Snipes and Ladders.
I agree. In fact, most days I am actually SURPRISED when DOB isn't naked, covered in gravy in my fireplace....
Compared to some of the video sketches, naked gravy Dan seems positively low-key.
I wouldn't mind him DOB in my house covered in Gravy. But ants and naked in the fire place is where I draw the line. Good thing its a dotted line.
Brilliant :).
Reply"don't tase me bro!", that was the first thing that echoed in my hollow skull after reading this article.... hmmmm i wonder why.....
Replyyeah me too :)
Great article! I love the fact that it presents the truth about Thanksgiving in a comedic way. THIS, is what should be taught in our education system, the TRUTH.
ReplyHilarious, shocking, and still unfortunately true.
Replywhat's true? that thanksgiving causes countrywide nakedness and crime?
It seems like the gravy would get sticky later. Also, how much of this do you think D.O.B experiments with to get the true description for his article?
ReplyYou mean he's not writing his memoirs?
testes
ReplyYou win the internet.