Gwyneth Paltrow Helps Kate Moss Have Crack Baby

News has it that Kate Moss is so desperate for a baby that shes switching to Gwyneth Paltrows eccentric macrobiotic diet in the hopes it will help her conceive.

Wow. There are so many odd things about that.

For starters, I've never imagined that Kate Moss and Gwyneth Paltrow could live together in the same sentence. Y'know, except maybe in some sort of Goofus and Gallant construction like At a dinner party, Gwyneth always politely excuses herself before getting up from the table; Kate leaves to snort blow off the hostess coffee table.

The other weird thing is that, although I've always been told that Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss are super hot, I've never, ever, under any circumstances, been attracted to these ladies.Im sure it doesnt help that I have these two images emblazoned into my retinas, but even before that, I just never drank the Kool Aid. And, now, after all these years, here they are in one useless celeb story.

But what strikes me most about this report is that Kate Moss was faced with fertility problems and her first solution was to start eating like a pale, once-famous, pseudo Englishwoman.

I think a simpler answer is at hand.

Ms. Moss, I understand your desire for a child, and, if I may, Id like to suggest an alternative to eating like a rabbit with food allergies.

The key to getting pregnant is predicting when you are ovulating. Accordingly, plot your last menses on a calendar and then count forward 7 10 days. Science also tells us that the female body jumps slightly in temperature preceding ovulation. You may want to start plotting your temperature on a daily basis to help you predict the prime time for your chance to conceive.

Then, and this is very important, eat a damn sandwich or something. And stop doing all that blow. You're trying to conceive a child, not a twitching Dunkin' Donuts powdered sugar Munchkin.