I'll admit it: When the iPhone first came out, I completely lost my shit. My friends were parading their new gadgets in front of me, and I, consummate sucker for anything new and moderately pointless, was ready to shell out big bucks to get one of my own. Can you blame me? It was like aliens from some remote and futuristic planet (one 3 or 4 years more advanced than ours) had landed and brought their crazy, otherworldly small electronics with them. It has a TOUCHSCREEN! How cool is that?!
Then as the months went by a strange thing started to happen. Whenever I found myself in an idiotic argument, someone would whip out their iPhone and definitively end it. "No way, dude - England is DEFINITELY smaller than Illinois," I'd say, and within minutes, BOOM: "England itself is smaller, but the United Kingdom AS A WHOLE is bigger." It doesn't matter where you are: iPhones give you the ability to end any disagreement. What does that mean? It means the death of The Retarded Bar Argument. Do you really want to live in a world where you can't spout off misinformation at a bar without getting fact-checked on Wikipedia?
This video of two douchebags dancing around like morons seals the deal: iPhonemania has officially jumped the shark. Maybe if the iPhone was just released a few weeks ago these costumes would be understandable, but c'mon guys: Lots of people have iPhones now. They've been around for a while, and they're widely commercially available. Did I dress up as my Samsung T209 for Halloween? No. Wanna know why? Because it's JUST A FUCKING PHONE. Time to move on.
Global Holiday Smackdown: HALLOWEENGlobal Contender #1: Guy Fawkes Night
On November 5, 1605, Guy Fawkes (the V For Vendetta guy) and his merry band of militant lunatics tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament. It was called the Gunpowder Plot, and it reads like something out of a bad heist movie: In an effort to kill Protestant King James I, a group of Catholics leased a house next door to the House of Lords and filled a hidden cellar with 36 kegs of gunpowder (which they transported by boat up the Thames). Unfortunately, an outbreak of Black Plague postponed the opening of Parliament and they were sold out by an anonymous narc, after which they were summarily tortured and executed. That probably sucked, but at least they got a holiday named after them.
Guy Fawkes Night commemorates the foiling of the plot, and the celebration involves fireworks displays, bonfires, and burning lots of Guy Fawkes effigies. They also traditionally eat "bonfire toffee" and "groaty pudding," but cut them some slack: They're English.
Cool Factor (out of 10): 14
Fireworks and effigies to commemorate a bunch of dudes who tried to blow up the government? Sign me the fuck up!
Guy Fawkes Night
Even if it celebrates the fact that they failed, this has to be one of the most badass holidays of all time. Blowing off fireworks to remember the time revolutionaries rowed a bunch of gunpowder up the river to blow up the government while people were dropping dead all around them from The Black Plague? It'd be like if we had a holiday to celebrate the Whiskey Rebellion, only the Whiskey Rebellion took place in outer space and every year we flew to the moon to break Jack Daniels bottles and blow weird low-gravity fireballs or something.
You win this round, United Kingdom. Now pass me that groaty pudding.