Many Movies, Only One Ending: Director Tony Scott's Secret
Like all great artists, I am inspired by the efforts of my contemporaries, and I am especially willing to acknowledge it as long as the artists arent working in the same field as I am or are as dangerously handsome. My renown as a journalist has afforded me interviews with many modern poets, painters, architects, actors and in the case of Amy Tan, one delicious night in a Holiday Inn hot tub.
We will always have the Holidome.
However, the countless interviews Ive conducted revealed that art is pretty boring most of the time, as are the people who create it. This is true across the board with one exception: action movies. So, it was with great fervor that I tried to orchestrate an interview with Tony Scott after hearing that he might be directing the X-Men Origins: Wolverine sequel. His representatives were cagey and unwilling to comment on the rumors or put me in contact with him. But I persisted, and now I am proud to finally present the following conversation with Mr. Scott, uncensored and almost certainly as it would have happened if he had agreed to a meeting with me.
Soren: Thank you for taking the time for this and for personally returning every one of the voice messages I left.
Tony: Of course, Soren. And may I say, thank you for the courageous work youve done advancing the evolution of the English language. You supply an effortless voice to an aggressively inarticulate generation. Its as though you are teaching an entire culture how to utilize a powerful weapon that strikes the heart of all mankind but never kills a soul.
Soren: Youre welcome.
Tony: So whats up?
Soren: Well, first off: I love your movies. I am always excited to hear about new projects youre working on, and right now rumors are circulating that you are a possible candidate for directing the next Wolverine movie. Is it true?
Tony: Its true. I was approached by FOX to direct the Wolverine sequel. So was Matt Reeves. Ordinarily Matty and I would roshambo for it but Im not entirely sure its a project I want.
Soren: If you dont mind me saying so, this seems like a dream for an action movie director, why wouldnt you want it?
Tony: [Sighs] Its not really my type of I, uh OK, look turn your recorder off. This isnt something I ordinarily discuss in interviews, however, your handsomeness assures me that you are trustworthy and I feel I should be honest with you. There is something Id like to say off the record.
Soren: I give you my word that I will not include it.
Tony: [Whispers] I dont know how to end a movie.
Soren: You dont know how to end the Wolverine movie?
Tony: No, any movie. I dont know how to make the climax in a movie.
Soren: That cant be true.
Tony: God that feels good to finally say. I cant end a movie. I have no idea how to make endings. I put the same ending in every movie and hope no one notices. I am, quite honestly, blown away that no one has ever said anything.
Soren: But, youve done some great films.
Tony: Yeah, maybe. Lets do an experiment. Whats your favorite movie I directed?
Soren: True Romance.
Tony: Good. How did it end?
Soren: Theres a big standoff between the rich guy, his goons, the gangsters, the cops and the protagonist and it ends with a shootout.
Tony: Exactly. A big gunfight where everyone gets shot.
Soren: Youre so cool.
Tony: Hold on. Whats your second favorite movie?
Soren: Enemy of the State.
Tony: OK, Ene- Enemy of the State? Thats youre second favorite movie of mine?
Soren: I saw it with a girl I was dating at the time. It has sentimental value to me.
Tony: Fine, how does it end?
Soren: Theres a big standoff between the rich guy, his goons, the gangsters, the cops and the protagonist and it ends with a shootout.
Tony:
Soren: What?
Tony:
Soren: Ohhh.
Tony: A big gunfight where everyone gets shot.
Soren: OK, well thats two movies, they cant all possibly be-
Tony: Domino. Seen it?
Soren: Yes.
Tony: How does it end?
Soren: I see your point.
Tony: How does it end, I want to hear you say it.
Soren: Gunfight between rich guy, goons, gangsters, protagonist and cops.
Tony: I. Cant. Help. Myself. I dont know any other way to wrap up a plot without a gunfight. Its literally all I know how to do because ending a movie any other way is I dont know, complicated. I just kill off all the problem characters, and Bam! Ending.
Soren: Im not sure you should be telling me this.
Tony: No, this is good. This is really liberating for me. Its nice to get it out in the open. You know, between you and me, I tried to do variations on it too. I thought people would get suspicious so I changed little things. You ever see The Last Boy Scout?
Soren: No.
Tony: Well, spoiler alert, it ends with a gunfight. And its between a rich guy, a gangster, the protagonists and some cops. The difference is, I substitute two of the guns in the scene with a knife and a football.
Soren: Wait, what?
Tony: Yeah, a football. Messed up, right? No one said anything, so I just went with it. One guy gets shot, one guy gets stabbed and another guy gets hit in the nose with a football. In a gunfight!
Soren: What about the scripts?
Tony: Oh come on. Scripts dont mean anything. Im the director. By the time Ive gotten to the gunfight Ive changed so much shit the original ending doesnt make any sense.
Soren: I think revealing this kind of information has the potential to hurt your credibility in the industry.
Tony: Thats why you cant tell anyone about this ever. Its just between you and me. Man, Ridley would lose his shit. This is good though, lets keep rolling with this. What other movies you like?
Soren: Beverly Hills Cop II.
Tony: Gunfight.
Soren: Spy Game.
Tony: Gunfight. Also, bullshit, no one likes that movie.
Soren: Crimson Tide.
Tony: Yes! Crimson Tide! Oh boy, I almost doomed myself on that one. I tried to set up the old reliable standoff for the climax but then I said to myself, Hey Tony, this is a goddamn submarine. People wouldnt fire guns in here.
Tony: Well I didnt know what to do, I had a bunch of characters standing there with guns pointed at each other, pretending that they would actually fire weapons in a structurally compromised chamber under water thats also filled with oxygen. Then I added a little twist. You know that that was?
Soren: They didnt shoot each other?
Tony: They didnt shoot each other. It was a gunfight without the shooting! And no one batted an eye. Audiences loved that movie and all I did was give them less than I normally would.
Soren: Im not sure how to process all of this.
Tony: Well, soak it up.
Soren: OK. So the Wolverine sequel.
Tony: Well thats the bitch of it all. After knowing everything I just told you, now try to picture me, Tony Scott, shooting the next Wolverine. Those assholes at FOX pitched me the one character I cant put in a shootout and make it believable. Where are the stakes if I drop Logan in a standoff? They took away my only ending. They took away my Deus Ex Gunfight.
Soren: Im sorry.
Tony: Dont be sorry, I'm rich. Im just not doing the movie. Thats it.
Soren: I dont I guess I don't have any other questions for you. This is not how I expected this interview to go.
Tony: Seriously though, you cant tell anyone about this.
Soren: With all due respect, Mr. Scott, I cant just write an article about you turning down the X-Men Origins sequel and say that I know the reason why but its a secret.
Tony: Well then make something up. Pretend the interview went in a different direction.
Soren: What direction would you suggest?
Tony: Honestly?
Soren: Yes.
Tony: Gunfight.
Soren: Thank you for your time.
What's the rationale behind the "bullshit, no one likes that movie" joke about Spy Game? Is it a reviled film of his? I loved it personally but I may have missed a memo.
Reply"You supply an effortless voice to an aggressively inarticulate generation. It’s as though you are teaching an entire culture how to utilize a powerful weapon that strikes the heart of all mankind but never kills a soul."
Replyhonestly? this brought me to tears. [of pure, raw emotion]
The only problem with this article is Tony Scott is a DIRECTOR not a writer. You DO know how the film industry works, right? He DIRECTS what the WRITER has WRITTEN. Quentin Tarantino wrote TRUE ROMANCE. Shane Black wrote LAST BOY SCOUT. Ricard Kelly wrote DOMINO. Etc, etc, etc. If you're gonna make a stupid joke, it should have been something along the lines of Tony stating how he always chooses scripts to direct that have shootouts at the end. Because, again, HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW THE MOVIES ACTUALLY ENDS. He's the director, NOT the writer. I can't believe I just wasted my time posting this. I'm going over to the Mad Magazine site. At least that's funny.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesOh my God, I'M SO MAD about this comedy article!! How dare you? How dare you sully my eyes with your attempt at entertaining people for free? GRAGGGHHAAAAHHGGGHHHAAAAA!!!!!
KILL THE BEAST! SLAY THE TROLL! SLAY THE TROLL! END HIS DARK REIGN!
Gasp!
You're right!
er... except...
1 - It's a comedy article, and...
2 - There's the part where Soren asks about the scripts, and TS says he's changed so much by that time that the written ending doesn't make sense, so...
Chill, dude.
I guess you missed the part where he says he changed so much of the story that the original endings dont make sense.
Socom. I think i love you. Seriously
Except that's not how the film industry works. The writer writes, then it gets changed a billiondy and one times.
True Romance is actually my favorite movie as well.
ReplyThe ending was awesome, thank you sir may I have another
ReplyI've read a lot of articles by Mr. Bowie and what's the one thing in common?...they all have great endings...
Replyits settled. soren bowie is, in my humble and most likely unwanted opinion, the best Cracked columnist.
Reply/signed
yesssss!
you know when you say or think a word so many times it starts to lose meaning? gunfight is too awesome to do that. i want to play gta now :)
ReplyDamnit! Here I thought David Bowie wrote articles for Cracked!
ReplyHey! BHC 2 didn't end in a gunfight. Sure, Axel shot the Duke from "Dune" and Taggart shot Rocky's wife, but then there was about twenty minutes of feelgood banter and the a**hole police chief getting fired. And Eddie Murphy's "he-he-he", of course.
ReplySorry, Bowie. The Last Boy Scout doesn't count. The shootout formula doesn't work, because it's not a standoff situation (plus, the football is part of the plot bc Damon Wayans was a star quarterback in the film). The Mexican standoff ending came as a result of Q. Tarantino's script for True Romance, a scenario he would direct himself in his first big movie, Resevoir Dogs, which came out a year before True Romance hit screens. So Tony Scott has just been recycling an idea from Tarantino since '93. After watching these clips, it looks like a virtual catalogue for every Micheal Bay production in shot composition. f**k Michael Bay and thanks, Tony...
ReplyA virtual catalogue for Micheal Bay's theories on movie-making and shot composition. Thanks, Tony...
ReplyWow...that was too funny! A football mixed in with a gunfight!
ReplyHow should we end this comment section?
Reply Hide All See All 9 Replies. . .gunfight?
gunfight with footballs?
gunfight with footballs and a knife, but we don't shoot each other.
In a submarine.
I think Soren would be proud of this exchange.
I think it should be an orgy.
An orgy in the middle of a gunfight?
By god we've got the next one. Call Tony Scott!!!
Good show lads, Internets all 'round.
This is the first (and, most likely, only) Cracked article that used the word 'climax' in a non-sexual connotation. I'm not sure how I feel about that. . .
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesum....no it isn't. You seem to be confusing Cracked with some website that relies on elementary school style humor.
Haha dereli I think it's you that is confused about Cracked.
loldongs
climax.
I'm sure I'm not the first person to say this, but I'm disappointed that this article didn't end in a gunfight.
ReplyWho says it didn't?
I'm going to be thinking of 'gunfight' for the rest of the day.
Reply"how am I going to end my shift at work"?-gunfight
"How am I going to pay for gas"?-gunfight
"How am I going to find parking?"-gunfight
spy game is actually one of my favorite movies. dick.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI loved The Last Boyscout myself
I agree. Spy Game rocked and it's in my Top 10. There's nothing wrong with it.
So, you're angry with him for having a different opinion?
Funny.... Did you see how they eneded the new wolverine movie? Bullet to the skull. That was the only flaw in your article. Good job otherwise.
ReplyHa, yeah, gunfight, so to speak, yeah...
Also, f'ed up continutity error or just lame FX budget debacle:
Adamantite McGuffin bullet...last minute BS plot device = amnesia.
Seen X2? Regular bullet to the adamantie skull gets in that Canadian gray matter, but oh, ho!, CGI to the resuce. Regeneration expels the offending slug 1, 2, 3.
How else was it supposed to end? If they don't end with him getting amnesia for some idiotic reason then the have fanboys would be whining about the lack of continuity.
It was a stupid idea for a movie to begin with. They should have just kept it on his past (like his life during the war) not make another cliche guy fights an evil corporation movie.
Beautifully done.
Reply