Whether you’re a longtime Guns N’ Roses fan or just someone who enjoys watching bands fade into pathetic late-career irrelevance, time to break out your credit card and reserve your copy of Chinese Democracy - after more than a decade of recording it’s finally available for pre-order on Amazon UK! Calling this band GnR might be kind of a stretch, though: The band has seen tons of lineup changes since starting work on the record (back in 1994!), and Axl is currently the only original member in the band. Besides, can you really call a band with a logo like that Guns N’ Roses?! What’s up with that font? Did Axl get really into anime or something? From the looks of him, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he’d been sitting in his mom’s basement in Lafayette, Indiana for the last decade eating Funyuns and watching Ghost in the Shell over and over and over again.
But it’s not fair to judge a band by its logo. What better way to give Chinese Democracy the chance it deserves than by listening to its title track?
Okay… that was really awful. Did you guys hear that? How does over a decade of tinkering and fine-tuning result in such a terrible product? Is Axl simply overthinking it? Is he trying too hard to sound like the radio-friendly rock bands that are popular today? Could it be that Axl has (gasp) lost his “edge”?
I say none of the above. My theory? The drastic decline in the quality of GnR guitarist nicknames has caused a similar decline in the quality of their music. Need evidence? See for yourself:
Guitarist #1: Slash (1985-1996)
Name’s Origins: “It was a family friend who nicknamed Saul Hudson “Slash”. He said Slash was always in a hurry, zipping around from one thing to another.” (from Slash’s “official” fan site)
Awesomeness of Name (out of 10): 9
Awesomeness of Records Played on (out of 10): 9
Guitarist #2: Buckethead (2000-2006)
Name’s Origins: “I was eating chicken out of a bucket that my dad brought home. It wasn’t a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket either. It said “Deli Chicken” on the outside. I was eating it, and I put the mask on and then the bucket on my head. I went to the mirror. I just said ‘Buckethead. That’s Buckethead right there.’ It was just one of those things.” (from gnrsource.com)
Awesomeness of Name (out of 10): 1
Awesomeness of Records Played on (out of 10): 1
Guitarist #3: Bumblefoot (2006-present)
Seriously… Bumblefoot. Check out his guitar.
Name’s Origins: “A dozen years ago I was hangin’ with my gal while she was studying veterinary medicine. One of the bird diseases was called Bumblefoot - one of the treatments was to rub hemorrhoid cream on the bird’s foot. I was quite touched by this, and redirected my entire life on a new path.” (from guitar9.com)
Awesomeness of Name(out of 10): 0
Awesomeness of Records Played on (out of 10): 0
QED, bitches. How are you gonna argue with math?
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
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March 28th, 2008 at 11:08 am
[...] came up with this one doesn’t read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they’d been reading us back then, they’d know that Chinese Democracy is already [...]
February 2nd, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Buckethead’s solo works shits all over the Snakepit record, and The Spagetti Incident also.
While he does look like a bigger goof than Abbath from Immortal, he does have the chops to back it up.
December 24th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Man, you gotta be kidding. Both of Buckethead’s and Ron Thal’s abilities far far far leave Slash looking like an amateur. The harmonic intricacies of both guitarists certainly have put them in a circle of guitarists that is a far above than the pentatonic Slash.
I do agree with the fact that the new GnR sucks. But I would not be as bold as to say the guitarists are bad. Both of them have mind blowing solo albums…
November 21st, 2007 at 9:59 pm
I see a pretty simple formula emerging here.
Apparently random B-word followed by apparently random body part. So logically it follows that GNR’s next guitarist will be called.
Bubblegum-penis.
or
Biscuit-kidney.
Try it yourself.
Or GNR’s next guitarist could simply follow the example of his predecessor and name himself after a venerial disease. I’m predicting something along the lines of either.
Ass Rabies.
Or
Genital Mushrooms.
October 19th, 2007 at 8:52 am
My god this analysis is so relevant, you should right a paper in Rolling Stone magazine. Do you have any information about any nausea epidemic in population exposed to sight of the bumblefoot guitar signature?
October 5th, 2007 at 12:25 am
He’s no Slash, but then again I guess Bumblefoot is no Buckethead either.
BUMBLEFOOT! Christ. Just learning that guy exists kinda ruined my Thursday.
October 5th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Buckethead is incredible, although I agree the name needs some work. I at least admire the fact that he’s kept his true identity (almost) completely private for twenty-odd years.