Cracked Columnists

Furries, Orange Soda and Stephen King Killed John Lennon: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Awesome Video Of The DayOrangina Ad: Furry, French & Naughty

I'm going to try not to make a predictable, stereotypical joke about French people here, but it's gonna be tough. Seriously - what the hell kind of commercial is this? You've got some weird bear getting ready to go at it with a smoking hot bikini-clad doe, and all these zebras are shooting off Orangina cannons all over some slutty-looking octopus, and then the sexy panda's top falls off and you're like, "Wait... WHAT?! SLOW DOWN!" Unless you're French, in which case you're probably used to companies using implied interspecial anthropormorphic sex to sell orange soda.

Can you imagine if this aired on American television during the Super Bowl? There would be rioting in the streets, but the rioting would be all slow and strangely erotic because everyone would be too horny and confused to riot properly, their minds clouded with weird fantasies about sexy pandas and exotic new brands of soda. What I'm saying is that I think it could be a hit, although I might suggest the following tweaks to prepare this spot for American primetime:

  • Replace Orangina with Diet Pepsi
  • Replace music with "My Humps" or maybe that one song about the girl's "milkshake" (but change the lyrics to be about orange soda instead of milkshakes)

  • Throw pants on all the animals
  • Bear farts at the end

  • The Best Conspiracy Theories EverAwesome Conspiracy #4: Stephen King Killed John LennonNuts And Bolts: This one is sort of complicated. "Uncovered" by a man named Steve Lightfoot, the basic premise is that John Lennon was politically assassinated by Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and horror novelist Stephen King. Lightfoot alleges that Mark David Chapman was used as a patsy because he is a Stephen King look-alike.

    Evidence:"Government codes" found in news headlines in Time, Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report around the time of Lennon's death. Supposedly there are other clues to be found in King's writing, too, like that one time he wrote a book where somebody got murdered.

    Plausability: Very low. It's almost like this guy put a bunch of names into a hat. Next up: Elvis was murdered by Jackie Kennedy, Mikhail Baryshnikov and a car mechanic from Astoria, Queens.


    Got A Problem?

    Do you hate your mother? Are you clueless when it comes to proper dinner table etiquette? Is your weird fetish ruining your life? Let me help you out. All next week on the Cracked Blog, the Daily Nooner will also double as the worst advice column on the entire internet.

    Send your letters here.

    Recommended For Your Pleasure

    Ross Wolinsky

    • Rss

    More by Ross Wolinsky:

    See More
    To turn on reply notifications, click here

    6 Comments

    The Cracked Podcast

    Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

    The Weekly Hit List

    Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
    Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!