Furries, Orange Soda and Stephen King Killed John Lennon: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Orangina Ad: Furry, French & Naughty

I’m going to try not to make a predictable, stereotypical joke about French people here, but it’s gonna be tough. Seriously - what the hell kind of commercial is this? You’ve got some weird bear getting ready to go at it with a smoking hot bikini-clad doe, and all these zebras are shooting off Orangina cannons all over some slutty-looking octopus, and then the sexy panda’s top falls off and you’re like, “Wait… WHAT?! SLOW DOWN!” Unless you’re French, in which case you’re probably used to companies using implied interspecial anthropormorphic sex to sell orange soda.

Can you imagine if this aired on American television during the Super Bowl? There would be rioting in the streets, but the rioting would be all slow and strangely erotic because everyone would be too horny and confused to riot properly, their minds clouded with weird fantasies about sexy pandas and exotic new brands of soda. What I’m saying is that I think it could be a hit, although I might suggest the following tweaks to prepare this spot for American primetime:

The Best Conspiracy Theories Ever

Awesome Conspiracy #4: Stephen King Killed John Lennon

Nuts And Bolts: This one is sort of complicated. “Uncovered” by a man named Steve Lightfoot, the basic premise is that John Lennon was politically assassinated by Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and horror novelist Stephen King. Lightfoot alleges that Mark David Chapman was used as a patsy because he is a Stephen King look-alike.

Evidence: “Government codes” found in news headlines in Time, Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report around the time of Lennon’s death. Supposedly there are other clues to be found in King’s writing, too, like that one time he wrote a book where somebody got murdered.

Plausability: Very low. It’s almost like this guy put a bunch of names into a hat. Next up: Elvis was murdered by Jackie Kennedy, Mikhail Baryshnikov and a car mechanic from Astoria, Queens.

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