“Those handcuffs alright, Mr. O’Brien? Not too tight?” I wiggled my hands around under the table, letting the metal of the cuffs bounce around. They were certainly more comfortable than most handcuffs I’ve worn, but cuffs are cuffs, you know? The ideal setting of a handcuff is “Not on me,” and I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
“They’re OK,” I said, letting the detectives know by the tone of my voice that I wasn’t pleased. One of them, the one who asked the question, seemed upset by my answer. Don’t beat yourself up, I thought, Cuffs are cuffs. The other detective, a lady, sat in the corner buried in files. She gave off a very “I don’t have time for your shit” sort of vibe, which I hate in a woman, or any other kind of person, really. The other detective looked a lot more willing–in fact, eager–to take my shit, so I focused my attention on him.
“I sincerely look forward to taking your shit.”
“So what’s this all about, friend-o? I’ve got a perfectly legal group sex party to go to in an hour. Which reminds me, can I keep these cuffs?” The detective laughed and shook his head, which I took to mean “Sure.”
“Hopefully this won’t take that long, Mr. O’Brien. I’m Detective Harland Dale, by the way. I’ve just got a few questions, no need to be alarmed.”
“Oh, I’m gonna be alarmed. I’m locked in an interrogation room with two detectives and my hands are cuffed. Seems sort of excessive for ‘a few questions,’ wouldn’t you agree?” Detective Dale tilted his head to the side and looked puzzled for a moment before smacking his forehead in the realization.
“Oh, ‘two detectives,’ I see, you mean Miranda,” he said, indicating the woman in the corner. “She’s not a detective. She’s sort of a… stenographer, I suppose. She’ll be taking down transcripts of today’s conversation, she’s just doing notes, I’m the only detective here.”
“I see,” I said, seeing. “So, would I be correct in saying that Dale detects and… Miranda writes.” Miranda closed her eyes and lowered her head. I can tell it was difficult for her to write that down.
“Heh,” Detective Dale said. “Heh heh. Ahah. Ahahahahahah. Oh, goodness. Like the cop thing!”
“Right, like the cop thing.” I thought it strange that a detective called Miranda Rights ‘the cop thing,’ but whatever.
“My, that’s rich, Mr. O’Brien.”
“You must hear that all the time,” I said.
“Oh ho ho, no.”
“Get outta here.”
“I swear.”
“You’re pulling my leg.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re yanking my bone.”
“No, sir.”
“Stroking my junk.”
“Nope.”
“Slobbering all over my-”
“That’s fine.”
“You’re telling me I’m the first person to come up with that?”
“Ahaha, yes you are, Mr. O’Brien, it’s quite clever. Ahaha.” Man, he was straight up tickled. We laughed together a few more seconds.
“OK,” I said, standing up. “So we’re done here? We cool?”
“Ah, uh, not quite, Mr. O’Brien,” Detective Dale said, indicating that I should return to my seat. “We’ve got… quite a few questions about the incident at your office in Santa Monica.” I rubbed by chin thoughtfully, which I imagine looks weird in handcuffs. I mean, one hand is rubbing my chin and the other is just hanging there, flapping around.
“Uh huh…”
“We have several signed statements from witnesses who were also involved in the incident,” Dale pointed out. “That’s actually what Miranda will be doing today. We’ve heard from several sources, you see, some of them conflicting, and yours is the last report we need. We’ll be taking your account to help piece this whole thing together and, if Miranda spots a discrepancy with what you’re saying and the reports we’ve received, she’ll bring it up and let us know.”
“Well, I can start by saying I was nowhere near Santa Monica on whatever day this happened. We cool?” Miranda cleared her throat, indicating she had something to say.
“Submitted for the record: 12 signed statements that confirm Mr. O’Brien’s presence in Santa Monica, along with footage captured from the security
cameras.” I glared at Miranda.
“Right, I was there, you know, physically. I thought we were talking spiritually. I’ve found inner peace, so, you know, my soul wasn’t technically in Santa Monica. You see.”
“Of course,” Detective Dale said. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?”
“Sure thing. So, it’s Thursday, and I’m working really hard.” Miranda cleared her throat. “Fucking fine. It’s Thursday and I’m still hungover from Tuesday so I decide to throw a party at the office.”
“A party? On a weekday?”
“Yeah, man, of course. It’s Labor Day weekend, you know?”
“Ah, right, yes,” Detective Dale responds.
“An American celebration, right?”
“Oh, yes.”
“A way to commemorate America’s victory over the slaves, yeah?”
“Well… sure.”
Labor Day.
“It deserves a party, is my point, it deserves some recognition. So Brockway and I, we decide to throw a classy little shindig, right? Not just because of Labor Day. Between the fact that Brockway’s book is now available for pre-order and the recent announcement that Cracked will also be publishing a book, we had a lot to celebrate. So we had some drinks. We bought some champagne, we wore top hats, real classy stuff. Brockway even had a monocle. A regular Mr. Peanut, this guy.”
Miranda cleared her throat and produced a few sheets of paper.
“Security cameras show that neither Mr. O’Brien nor Mr. Brockway left at any time to purchase champagne.”
“OK, right, yeah, we already had the champagne, we bought it some time ago. It needs to age, you know.” Miranda cleared her throat again.
“Looking at the inventory records before and after ‘the incident’ shows that there was never any champagne in the building.”
“OK, so maybe it was wine. It was probably a fine-”
“Records indicate that the only liquids missing between inventory reports were a crude mixture of mouthwash and dish detergent.” Detective Dale looked at me, curious. I threw up my hands in a “You caught me” sort of way.
“Mouthwash is 26.9 percent alcohol. It’s low, but it’s there. As for the dish detergent… Jesus, I don’t know what we were thinking on that one. Probably the bright colors. Brockway loves colors. How is that guy?”
“He died.”
“Huh. Ole Brockway. I guess we’ll never know what got him in the end.”
“Soap poisoning.”
“Yeah, that’ll do it.”
“Please,” Detective Dale said, “continue with the story. We’re still trying to put the pieces together.”
“Right, so Brockway and I had a few of our Listerinis, and then he wanted to lie down for a while, so I decided to do the gentlemanly thing and go through his desk lookin’ for candy or money or whatever. I had a pretty good soap buzz going on, so my memories are kind of foamy, but I’m pretty sure after that I did some charity, supported the troops and saved Darfur. Or destroyed Darfur. Whatever it is that we’re doing over there, I did it. Planted trees or whatever.”
“Sounds very admirable,” Detective Dale said. Miranda cleared her throat, a noise I’m slowly growing to hate.
“I have a statement here from a Ms. Wanda Wolinsky, the sister to a former Cracked employee.” I stared up to the sky, as if I was thinking really hard,
perusing my own memory.
“Mmmm… Nope, never saw her. Or Ross. Never heard of either one.”
“According to her statement-”
“OK, yes, you bitch, I ran into Ross’s sister. Sue me.”
“I have no legal right to sue you,” Miranda pointed out, “but Wanda does. And she is.”
“Suing me? What for?” I turned to Detective Dale, who seemed to be the more reasonable of the two, a quality I deduced based on the fact that he wasn’t waving around a bunch of papers about me being sued. “Dale, buddy, listen, this chick shows up all coked out of her mind on God knows what. Coke, probably. And she keeps asking me for drugs and I’m like ‘Listen, lady, the baby Jesus never sold drugs, so I won’t either, got me?’ Drug addicts, man, you just can’t trust them. She attacked me, too! When she found out I wasn’t going to get her her fix, she burned me with a cigarette, it’s how I got this.” I lifted up my cuffed hands and showed Detective Dale the recent cigarette burn on my left wrist.
“My, my,” Detective Dale said. “We should get that checked out by a doctor.” Miranda cleared her throat, like Captain Bitch of the Flying Bitch Circus, this bitch, I swear to God.
“I have Ms. Wolinsky’s statement right here.”
I paused before moving on.
“…Any photographic evidence of the two of us together?” Miranda went through her files.
“No.” I proceeded like a damn freight train.
“Then it never happened. Her word against mine,” I said, both of my middle fingers proudly unholstered. “And she doesn’t have any cigarette burns to back up her story, so. Case closed.”
“I wasn’t finished,” Miranda said.
“Pretty sure you were.”
“No,” Dale said, “please go on.”
“Ms. Wolinsky went on to describe Mr. O’Brien’s misguided attempt to impress her with cigarette tricks he claimed he ‘picked up in ‘Nam.’ The ‘tricks’ involved accidentally putting the lit end of the cigarette in his mouth, shrieking, and spitting the cigarette out, inadvertently burning himself in the process.”
“That certainly doesn’t sound like me,” I said, idly nursing this burn on my tongue that I got doing… something.
“Ms. Wolinsky then decided to leave, having abandoned all hope of finding her brother. This news distressed Mr. O’Brien, who wanted her to quote ‘Keep him company,’ end quote.”
“More like keep my boner company,” I said, smirking to Detective Dale. After a brief pause, Miranda read on.
“And then Mr. O’Brien said, ‘Or should I say, keep my boner company.’”
“Ah. This… must look bad.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” Detective Dale said. “‘Keep my boner company’ is a common phrase. That doesn’t necessarily mean Ms. Wolinsky isn’t lying. Hell, we don’t even have proof that it’s you she met. She may be mistaken. As of now, we can’t even seem to track her down, so there’s plenty of reasonable doubt.” Detective Dale’s the best.
“Shall I go on?” Asked Miranda.
“No, I think we’re good here. Right? Dale? Yeah? Group sex party?”
Miranda read on: “According to Ms Wolinsky’s statement, when he realized that she wouldn’t be sticking around, Mr. O’Brien said that if his demands were not met he would, quote, ‘Reach down, yoink out my dick, pretend you’re full of oil and go Daniel Plainview on your ass,’ end quote. Mr. O’Brien then reportedly yelled ‘pow pow pow’ and pumped his fist downward several times, in a manner meant to simulate sexual penetration. Also, given the context, it is reasonable to assume that the motion was meant to metaphorically represent an oil derrick, as imagined by someone who does not understand how oil derricks works.”
“Detective Dale this chick is crazy I never said or did any of those awesome, awesome things, she’s out of control. That wasn’t me, not by a longshot. Reasonable doubt all over town. Anyone who knows me knows I would never say something like that.”
“It’s in a sworn, signed statement,” Miranda said.
“What is your deal? Was someone even talking to you? If you stick your nose in this one more time, Miranda, I swear to God I’m going to yoink out my furious dick, pretend you’re Little Boston, California and go straight up Plainview on-” I stopped myself. “Ah! Ah, you almost got me, no way I’m sayin’ it though. Gotta get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart this guy.”
“Close one,” Detective Dale said, smiling. “But, anyway, given Ms. Wolinsky’s disappearance, her statement is entirely inadmissible, so we can move on. Why don’t you tell us what happened next, Mr. O’Brien?”
“As I recall, I swung by Swaim’s office and we had a nice chat. Then I left.” Miranda cleared her throat because she heard there was an opening for President Bitch at the Bitch Factory and she wanted to make sure that… that she could… I don’t know. Something bitchy.
“Submitted for the record, the following document comes from the mental institution where Mr. Swaim admitted himself immediately after this ‘chat.’”
“Anything to say to that?”
“Nope. Nothing.” I can’t believe Swaim didn’t like the birthday card I made him.
“We still need to discern whether or not Mr. Swaim has a history with mental illness, so why don’t you just move along with your statement, Mr. O’Brien?”
“What does it matter? Whatever I say, Bitch Hedburg over here is just going to clear her throat and point out how I drank Listerine or threatened a night watchman or tried to feed ecstasy to a snake.” Miranda fumbled through her records, a puzzled look on a face that until then I thought was only capable of looking pissed.
“I actually don’t have anything about a snake here,” she said.
“For real? Oh… In that case, it totally didn’t happen, and that snake is a liar if it ever says otherwise.” A sexy, beguiling liar.
“Why don’t we just move right onto the fire, Mr. O’Brien?”
“Fire? I don’t know if I’d call it that. A little bit of smoke, maybe, nothing out of control, nothing I couldn’t handle. Anyway I was nowhere near it.” Miranda bitched her bitch face again.
“I’d like to submit to the discussion the fire marshal’s report, if that’s alright.”
“Denied,” I said.
“No, no, I’d like to see it,” Detective Dale countered.
“Anything you want to talk about, Mr. O’Brien?”
“Yeah, totally. ‘Fire scientists’? Is that really a thing, ‘fire scientist’? There’s not a less retarded name for that? ‘Hey, I’m a fire scientist. Oh hey, fire scientist, I’m Doctor Earthquake.’ Stupid. Am I right, Dale?” Dale chuckled despite himself.
“I suppose, yes. Heh heh. ‘Doctor Earthquake,’ yes. Hehehe.” He smiled.
“Ahaha, there’s my guy.” I stood up. “So we’re all set then? We cool?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“What?” Bitchranda bitched. “Detective Dale, I know you outrank me, but the evidence against O’Brien is overwhelming. The damage is unbelievable, there were four deaths, Ms. Wolinsky is missing, the California fires that he inexplicably caused are still burning right now, and he twice spat on me during this interrogation… Three times, now. Are you seriously going to let him waltz out of here for some group sex party?” Detective Dale looked at me, depressed that it looked like there was nothing he could do to help. I spoke low.
“I mention my invitation for this group sex thing has a plus one? The chick I was going to bring ate all my ecstasy and slithered away. You game?” By the time I’d finished the sentence, Detective Dale was already packing his briefcase full of extra handcuffs and his standard issue detective ball-gag.
“We’re done here, Miranda.”
This entry was posted on Friday, September 4th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 12th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
funny……tear wiping funny.
i applaud u dear sir!
November 4th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
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November 1st, 2009 at 3:56 pm
listerine comes in vanilla flavour now?
fuckin’ a!
vanillisterini
October 26th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
“or should i say keep my BONER company?”
October 25th, 2009 at 10:14 am
that mason kid is genius. GENIUS.
October 25th, 2009 at 3:02 am
Next time I find myself being interrogated, which no doubt will occur in the near future, I can only hope Detective Dale is there.
That guy IS the best.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
“I’m going to fuck you in the neck until you are dead, and there will be parades in the street to celebrate the removal of your genetic garbage from our species’ DNA.” -Brockway
Hahahahahahaha
I’m going to use the shit out of that, even though it’s physically impossible for me to actually do with girl parts (besides the obvious levels of improbability.) Thank you <3
October 1st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Dude seriously…. WTF?!?!
this is so randome and a lame attempt to cover your ass…
and i have to say one thing….
…
…
…
genious.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
that was so f***ing funny i can’t see straight
September 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
i laughed my ass off at this. O’Brien, you are genius
September 21st, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Killer Stand Up Comedy…
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
i feel fancy
September 17th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
YES, finally a writer to replace Hunter. I hope your young and have a good strong liver. Also, watch your anus. Writers that have a talent and use it for EVIL, such as yourself usually start taking it up the backside in fits of self examination. Such as why did my mom work two jobs and blow her dentist to send me through J school?
September 16th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
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September 14th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Great story. It helped me unstuff my laughter constipation.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
the part that made me laugh the hardest was “The chick I was going to bring ate all my ecstasy and slithered away.” Daniel O’Brien I’m madly in love with you.
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September 13th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
“Bitch Hedberg” had me laughing so hard I almost lost my eyesight. Keep it up O’ Brien!
September 11th, 2009 at 9:09 am
reverend_funk
That’s what we like to call a “rhetorical question.” That, good sir, is the reason you’re asking this question without actively looking for a response.
Here to help.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
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September 9th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Hilarious. The bitch fest between your boys in the comments section reminds me of prom day sitting with my girlfriends at the nail shop. Totally Con, but the story was worth it.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:02 am
I correct myself, I know virgins, they’re just (questionably) male.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:52 am
O’Brien,
Classic. Publish your adventures in a book (don’t forgo the IRS play), put me down for seven, I’ll see you in the back room with a pair of handcuffs and the flask filled with the blood of virgins.
I was joking, I don’t know any virgins and obtaining that flask would involve me murdering babies that I find on the street. I like pretending to have some morals.
Brockway,
On the internet, you technically have the larger, thicker, longer penis with the most curvature. You didn’t even have to whip out the schlong on the peanut post, we all know O’Brien is incapable of being emulated; his talent is comparable to that busty swede with the daaddy issues that drank the cup of jungle juice that got slipped with ruffies. But still, everyone enjoys seeing a cockshow, I know I do.
Mason,
Even in Korea, the act of waving a dick that does not belong to you is considered mildly homosexual, even if this god forsaken country suffers from an issue with sexual identity. Noble, I’d like to enlist you in my army but only if you keep the mits off my member. But hey, we can collect the blood of virgins together.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Mason: nice trick advertising your/your roommate’s blog. Unfortunately comment sections are full of jerks - is this the reason the blog is now private?
I don’t know why I’m asking a question when I have no intention of looking for a response. Nor am I writing this in the hope that I’m the first to consider you were just promoting your/your roommate’s blog.
It’s usually about here when proof reading that I decide “nah I’m not going to post that, I sound like the rest of the comment-dicks”.
So realising I sound like the people that annoy me, but still posting; Do I think I’m the only one that gets comment boards and how they (should) work? Nah I’m just going to check this page religiously and hope someone praises me because that’s what I’m REALLY about.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:18 am
RDean
I don’t always read the comments, and I don’t reply if it’s just a fight somebody’s looking for. Negative commenters on the internet just make me too sad for humanity at large to deal with them. They actually think they matter, you know? That just breaks my heart.
I’m especially lax on my own pieces. I spent enough time writing them; I know what’s in them. But I read everybody else’s stuff, and am often moved to comment by how great they are or, honestly, sometimes to just call a motherfucker out. As it happens, I’d had a busy week this time, and caught up on the column’s late. Good thing, too, otherwise this bullshit would have gone unchallenged. It’s apparent nothing else is going to happen with this, however, so I’m out.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Well, that just gives me a warm fuzzy… Brockway, you are a scholar and a gentleman.
That’s part of what makes Brockway my favorite columnist here - he actually reads and responds to comments, even on other people’s articles. Is that part of your job description, Brockway?
The other parts? Conan and choosing my own adventure.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Nice. Yall should do more moderndrunkard.com type stories, i think they have a good place here
September 8th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
too long and boring.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Good stuff as usual Mr. O’Brien
September 8th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
mr. obrien, you make my bottom lip quiver. also, listerine has a new vanilla flavor.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:51 am
@Robert & Mason
Group hug!!!
September 8th, 2009 at 6:08 am
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September 7th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Well then don’t I just look like an ass? I too would like to apologize mason. Had I known the full story/actually payed attention, I would not have been so heavy0handed in my judgment, maybe. I am truly sorry for any verbal abuse I have put you through.
Your roommate however can go die in the aforementioned fire.
September 7th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
You know what? I was wrong here. I owe Mason an apology.
This drama has unfolded somewhat privately, and it turns out that Mason thought he was doing the right thing. I was just taking out my anger about how totally fucked this situation was, and I did it on the messenger. After all, it wasn’t him, it was his roommate that was plagiarizing DOB and then turning around and accusing HIM of stealing just to save face.
I want his roommate’s fucking life, but I ended up taking it out on the guy mistakenly trying to call out plagiarism. Mason, you did the right thing: Plagiarism should always be called out. Just check your sources a little closer next time, and tell everybody that your roommate is a fucking thief and degenerate. Actually, come to think of it, just give me your address. I swear I’ll clean up the mess and find you a new roomie when I’m through.
Hopefully less of a dickhole.
September 7th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Right? I live for “The DOB Story Hour” as I’ve come to call it. Anyone who has a bad word to say about it can die in a fire. *cough* mason *cough*
Seriously though DOB keep up the awesome.
September 7th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
September 7th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
What? Brockway is alive!?!?! OMG! He made it out of the fire! Thank god! Oh sweet jessus above…
Also FUCK YOU MASON, The blogs set to private, so it doesn’t prove a GODDAMNED THING… Stupid Fuckface.
Great work DOB! I loved it, just as good as the IRS Taxes chainsaw massacre, that was a riot too. Keep up the good work.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
i love the part about Daniel plainview
September 7th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Seriously man, I’d watch you back if I were you. Lest you miss the foot/bullet/other random projectile that will sail through your head for your blasphemy against DOB.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Wow. Fist of all, fantastic read. Loved every minute of it. Cool story bro.
Second, I’m with Brockway with this on the kick the ever-loving shit out of mason thing. Seriously, don’t be messin’ with DOB or Cracked is gonna fuck you up.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:45 am
(Pardon the re-post but I had to correct something.)
Mister Brockway,
You are Awesome! I would like to have the literary ability to express how Awesome, but i suck at expressing myself through the written word. So once again you are Awesome!
September 7th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Mister Brockway,
You are Awesome! I would like to have the literary ability to express how, but i suck at expressing myself through the written word.
So once again you are Awesome!
September 7th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Mason,
Somebody needs to kill you. You embody everything that angers and saddens me about humanity. You are the avatar for all the psychic offal of the human race, and by destroying you I think I might be able to redeem some small part of mankind’s good nature.
Nobody’s buying it: Not even for one second. Not one fucking word of this post would have made any sense if DOB hadn’t spent years honing a persona that is utterly and completely his. This post could not be more DOB. Trolling is fucking bad enough, but you don’t throw out accusations of plagiarism like it’s nothing. That shit is serious, and real writers deal with that every god damn day.
I’m going to fuck you in the neck until you are dead, and there will be parades in the street to celebrate the removal of your genetic garbage from our species’ DNA.
September 7th, 2009 at 8:22 am
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=149156654&blogId=508703868
proof. Posted two days before your post. Sad that all these people think your “such a great writer” a “genius” have “upped your game” etc… I’ll make sure to tell the real author about the compliments and I’m sure he will be grateful. As for you DOB, I have read some of your other shit and honestly, it is obvious that this isn’t yours just based off your writing style.
I hope you understand that I’m definitly going to continuously smear your name for this, simply because I have no respect for people who plagurize good material.
Wouldn’t they normally kick you out of college permenantly for the same thing? So what you thought you wouldn’t get caught on the internet? You sir are a FOOL.
September 7th, 2009 at 8:14 am
you stole this story from my roommate. Your a cheat and a thief.
September 7th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Fucking brilliant yet again
September 7th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Ah, DOB, once again you’ve done it. Late for my first day of College, but late with a smile on my face
“Probama Nigger Faggot”? Is that a joke? What a cunt
September 6th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
daniel o’brien, will you fuck me?
September 6th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I lol’d heartily at “Bitch Hedburg”
September 6th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Normally, these aren’t funny, but this one was hyperfunnytastic. You’ve clearly upped your game to get into the Cracked book. There was even a Mitch Hedberg reference! I temporarily love you, Dan O’Brien.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Pow pow pow. That is all.
September 5th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
LOL i almost didnt read it cuz it was too long, but i decided i should anyway. it was hilarious omg.
“i see”, i said, seeing.
September 5th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Holy fucking hell DOB wins again. Keep up the stupid work bro, I dont mind choking and almost dying 3 times in one article.
September 5th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Uhhhh… what the fuck? And nothing but positive comments? Jesus.
September 5th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Oh man, I’ve got to stop reading DOB articles at the library. They really frown upon maniacal laughter there.
September 5th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Great article DOB. The Pinkerton in you is shining through brightly.
September 5th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
By far my favorite DOB article yet, I was crying the entire time. I might have to consider hitting up a group sex party with Bitchranda.
September 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I think I was at that sex party
September 5th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Mr. O’Brien come have sex with me. You are simply amazing.
September 5th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
lol really funny!
September 5th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Slow clap, crescendo-ing.
September 5th, 2009 at 10:46 am
This was awesome! I’d love to see this in a video that would be awesome.
September 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
loved it. i laughed at listerini. delivery is amazing
September 5th, 2009 at 8:25 am
baOk, this is officialy the last Daniel O’Brien article I’ll read. Your stuff is just too bad. No more chances for you dipshit.
September 5th, 2009 at 8:20 am
lol, wow.
September 5th, 2009 at 8:05 am
This may have been the most awesome and hilarious thing I’ve ever read. Right next to the Terminator: Salvation (If They Left Out The Bullshit)
September 5th, 2009 at 7:15 am
So funny I choked on my Listerini!
September 5th, 2009 at 6:47 am
“Oh hey, fire scientist, I’m Doctor Earthquake”
freakin hilarious.
September 5th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Now that… is 100 percent pure genius.
September 5th, 2009 at 5:48 am
Great great great. Laughed almost the entire time. Not the whole time because I don’t know what boner means.
September 5th, 2009 at 4:49 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place
________ S e e k R i c h. C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .______TTTTTTTT_____
September 5th, 2009 at 3:41 am
Back on top, definitely. Thanks Dan
September 5th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Is it wrong for woman or man to have bisexual partner?you know it is an absolutely extramarital relationship, but more and more services come out on Internet focusing on this kind of relationship..such as~~~~biflirting. c o m~~~~ I am interested in that site. People above 22 is high popular. Are you willing to join us.
September 5th, 2009 at 2:17 am
PHUCKING OWNED
WELL DONE!
September 5th, 2009 at 1:07 am
Hahahahah, that was great!
September 5th, 2009 at 12:48 am
best three way dialogue I’ve read since… well since ever.
Great piece Dan. your stories are always the best here.
September 5th, 2009 at 12:33 am
I don’t think this even counts as an article
Still… pretty interesting tale brother
September 5th, 2009 at 12:04 am
@ Chapala
Un fanatico Mexicano aqui. Y de veras, este cabron hace que cualquiera se cague de la risa. Aunque, en realidad me gusta mas el trabajo de Michael Swaim.
Keep up the good work, O’Brien!! Mexicans love you, man.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I’ve been in that situation before, a couple of times. I…use a couple in the loose sense, it can mean more than a couple right? I mean what’s the word for when something happens habitually to the point where everyone you know avoids you or tries to get you on intervention television shows for draino and that stash of jungle vine you sole that one time at the hippie commune? A couple right?
September 4th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
LOL!! Easily one of the bests articles I have ever read on cracked.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
loved the mitch hedburg reference
September 4th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Meh
September 4th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Bitch Hedberg = I think I came
September 4th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
LOL TL;DR
September 4th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Kindahuge refers to the size of his asshole after being fucked every night by 50 guys
September 4th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
TL;DR
September 4th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
“Bitch Hedberg” and “Doctor Earthquake” = Awesome.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I’m going to marry you, DOB
September 4th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
You’re probably completely numb to comment section criticism by now anyway, but I’d actively disregard the opinion of anyone who calls you a “probama niggerfaggot”. Nice post.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Very clever. I wouldn’t expect less from O’Brien.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
“Bitch Hedberg,” That’s Fucking Rich… Good Article
September 4th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I have to disagree with Redmeansdead, and humbly submit that DOB’s accounts of his day are greater for coming from himself. The first-person allows him to convey the fact that his behavior seems normal in his mind.
The Continuing Adventures of the Cracked writing staff are a fantastic break from list-based humor.
“So what’s with Ham and ‘cheese,’ anyway?”
September 4th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
You can’t break those cuffs
September 4th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I think I pissed myself seven times while I read this.
September 4th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Wait, that should’ve included “go to school”
Jesus, I look like a penis now. Serves me right
September 4th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
“little probama niggerfaggot” haha
Kindahuge, you asshole. And learn english while you’re there.
September 4th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
tl:dr
September 4th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Brockway wouldn’t be killed by detergent. That man can’t handle liquor (or much anything without going into some sociopathic killing spree of destruction and madness), but when it comes to dish soap, he can pound them down you know?
Otherwise, this sounds like a normal Thursday night for DOB.
How was the group sex by the way?
September 4th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
————Tallfinder c-o-m——————
September 4th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
hhe
September 4th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
heh
September 4th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
This was great!
September 4th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
These little accounts would be much funnier if someone else was writing about you, instead of you writing about yourself.
September 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
i love how the detectives are always on dob’s side(:
also, “what?!” bitchranda bitched.
that was epic(:
September 4th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Dob’s one annoying dick. Make a list already and stop making a bunch of shit up about yourself, you skinny, annoying little probama niggerfaggot.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
LOL @ Listerinis
September 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
DOB has balls the size of Texas.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
And I thought I’d never solve the mystery of why that snake spent 8 hours hugging me and telling me how much it ‘loved me, man’. Thank you for the public service announcement DOB.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
omg DOB your sexy brains and just general dongtacularity continue to astound me without fail. i love your guts. every last inch.
y no soy mexicana pero estoy de acuerdo con Chapala_1982. no hay nada placer mejor que pasar los viernes con DOB.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Ahahaha amazing DOB. Doctor Earthquake really cracked me up.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Dob, don’t freak out, but I think you may be a god
This is just too awsome
September 4th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
fuckin hilarious… love the snake thing
September 4th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
One hell of a great writing … from what I know only comparable to the great Douglas Adams (if he would have been a psychopath on crack)
Really, I love your precision in writing … just like this little sentence:
“I see,” I said, seeing.
Because it shows that even here on cracked … not every funny thing is somewhat offensive … just all the rest xD … not that I would have a problem with it anyway …
September 4th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHA the daniel plainview thing mad me pee…alot.
September 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
DOB, I wanna go to your next sex party. Will you masturbate in public for me?
September 4th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
omg hahaa
September 4th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
That was really funny. I am now a DOB fan too.
September 4th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@Chapala_1882: totally agree with all that you said in our native tongue, wey.
I guess not even hardass detectives are inmune to DOB charm uh? Then again, he invited him to a group sex party. If he had gone to trial even the judge would have a hard time refusing such an invitation.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Awesome! you rock, DOB.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
What are the possible outcomes of feeding a snake eXTeCe??
This matter requires further study.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
My throat hurts from laughing so hard.
Fucking write a book. No, fuck that, make a movie.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
is mouthwash really 29% alcohol? hmmmmm tonight’s going to be quite interesting
September 4th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Oh man DOB your brain, it’s good! you should keep it.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
That was perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read on Cracked. You are a talented writer.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Awesome article–I’d go to a sex party with you any day!
(And where is your book?)
September 4th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I dont know how many mexicans read this kind of articles. But i have to congratulate O´brien for all his articles in my native tounge.
Daniel: Eres la onda de escritor, no mames, cayendome de risa cada parrafo. Felicidades por tu excelente ingenio, es un placer que lleguen los viernes para leer tus articulos, en especial este y el del problema con IRS.
Un mega saludo desde Mexico.
Oscar
September 4th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I loved the There Will Be Blood reference, and Doctor Earthquake is a pretty bad-ass super-villain name
September 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The act of going Daniel Plainview on one’s ass: pumping your penis into a woman’s vagina as if it was drilling for oil, then beating her head in with a bowling pin.
Dan, you’re my hero.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
“It’s boner o’clock!”
Wanda is on drugs.
How can you resist that line?
September 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
that was fucking awesome..listerinis!
September 4th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
im going to get fired because of your articles
September 4th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Oh my god, DOB i love you this is fucking gold
September 4th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Detective Dale is the best cop ever.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Better than Natural Born Killers!
September 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
“…standard issue detective ball-gag.”
Fucking hilarious.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Oh my goodness.. DOB I haven’t been on this site for very long but I already love you. Your comedy isn’t just chuckle at a witty remark funny or pop culture reference funny, its laugh and laugh some more untill i have to minimize the screen to prevent from choking on my own spit funny.
By far my favorite.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:53 am
THAT’s what I was talking about on the coffee break video.
You looked like an average guy there.
The audience loves you for admitting to be a drunken, killing crackwhore.
I loved the comparison to a public masturbator.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:45 am
BONER BONER BONER!!! HAHAHA
September 4th, 2009 at 11:29 am
The Labor Day photo should be an album cover!
September 4th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Another winner! I could read this stuff all day.
I’m going to use “pow,pow,pow” tonight even if the bitchuation doesn’t warnt it.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Dude, start your own site. There is a gold mine in your brain and you need to capitalize on it before all your illicit substance abuse and recreational headbuttings catch up with you. Well done, as always. <3
September 4th, 2009 at 10:37 am
The Labor Day photo was pure genius
September 4th, 2009 at 10:31 am
DOB, you are the best man, I wish you wrote (is that a word) more.
Another hillarious post, ROCK ON!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
DOB, I think I love you.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective?? Check out: http://ClassyMingle.com —where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
You will love it!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:08 am
“A sexy, beguiling liar.
I’m using that tonight even if the situation in no way warrants.”
I have to agree there. This article is beautiful, and the “sexy, beguiling liar” part was one of the best.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:05 am
“…America’s victory over the slaves.” I damn near fell out of my chair.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:58 am
i srsly had to stop reading this for a moment after the bitch hedburg thing, thank you DOB, fuck econ class btw…
September 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
i was sitting right beside my boss when i got to “doctor earthquake” i had to fake a seizure to justify the cough-grasp-laugh combo I uttered.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
You must have your own TV show. Screw MadTV. I want to see CrackedTV.
Although when I say I want a CrackedTV I may cause some confusion.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Bitch Hedburg.
Ha!
September 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am
your work is AWSOME and one of the reasons I continue to come to Cracked on a daily basis!
September 4th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Fuckin hilarious! Again! DOB you are the man!
Screw list-based comedy, these stories are pure, uncut, Colombian com-caine. (coc-edy? coke-edy? … comedy + cocaine. You get the point.)
September 4th, 2009 at 9:24 am
‘The ideal setting of a handcuff is “Not on me,” ‘. Priceless line, but I must say that I disagree vehemently. There are plenty of ideal uses for handcuffs.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:24 am
so how was the party
September 4th, 2009 at 9:15 am
During my extensive research on the affects of soap poisoning, I have only discovered it to cause blindness. Admittedly, my only research was conducted through viewings of A Christmas Story on TBS. Regardless, I question the toxicity of soap.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Wow. This, this is like every conversation of my life…Very hilarous, 5 stars! *****
September 4th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Bitchranda, awesome.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:08 am
This is the most I’ve laughed in a long, long, long and horrible time, thank you, Mr. O’Brien, for making my life awesome again.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:00 am
THIS WAS AWESOME!
September 4th, 2009 at 8:52 am
You’re a damn genius O’Brien.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:44 am
If we made this into a one act play, I think Bender from Futurama would be perfect for your role
September 4th, 2009 at 8:19 am
This is genuinely the most I’ve laughed in months. You’ve succeded in writing what might possibly be the funniest article ever
September 4th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Fire scientist and Doctor Earthquake got me good.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:10 am
A sexy, beguiling liar.
I’m using that tonight even if the situation in no way warrants.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:08 am
fantastic
September 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am
“Then it never happened. Her word against mine,” I said, both of my middle fingers proudly unholstered.
Pure genius!! Was laughing out loud at some parts!
September 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am
That was just boner-riffic
September 4th, 2009 at 8:01 am
All your talk of boners made me get a boner. Then I came.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I recommend you a great millionaire dating site___WealthySocial.com___The best club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy!!!!~~
September 4th, 2009 at 7:55 am
jeez, u make me cream myself a lil when reading ur articles
September 4th, 2009 at 7:55 am
What can I say? Another classic from DOB!
September 4th, 2009 at 7:42 am
That was funny as hell. Thanks DOB.
September 4th, 2009 at 7:38 am
“The chick I was going to bring ate all my ecstasy and slithered away.”
Solid gold.
September 4th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Hahahahaha, thank you for this. Made my long weekend
September 4th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Always a pleasure. My coworkers know I’m not working now.
Boner
September 4th, 2009 at 7:24 am
WOw, thats pretty scary stuff dude!
RT
http://www.anonymous-web.be.tc
September 4th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Classic! Some of the best articles are the ridiculous goings-on at the Cracked offices.
Also, Listerinis remind me of an alcoholic guy who would buy his beer at the grocery store I use to work at. It’s illegal to sell beer on Sundays over here, so some Sundays he would buy two bottles of Listerine instead. I just hope he didn’t add detergent to it later.
September 4th, 2009 at 7:09 am
fucking epic
one of the best pieces of pure first grade DOB since his article on how to deal with the IRS
5 stars
September 4th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Dicktastic!
September 4th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Perhaps the best yet
September 4th, 2009 at 6:47 am
“A way to commemorate America’s victory over the slaves, yeah?”
This was pure brilliance from beginning to end, but that gem and the Bitch Hedburg bit were my favorites. I’ll take my chances partying with DOB any time.
September 4th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Pissed myself to this, some of the recent posts by DOB were a bit lazy but this is dynamite
September 4th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Nice Mitch Hedburg reference man
September 4th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Seems Wolinskies have a habbit of dissapearing. Though wasn’t her brother found in the Cracked.com fridge when Jack O’Brien forced the staff to clean it out?
September 4th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Why am I not surprised that this all began with Brockway and DOB?
September 4th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Thank you very much. I laughed until I cried. Now I can enjoy my holiday weekend.
September 4th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Hahaha…This story got me laughing so hard, that i choked on my saliva
September 4th, 2009 at 6:05 am
A Listerini sounds delightful.
September 4th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Awesome, love it.
September 4th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Feeding ecstasy to a snake. brilliant!
September 4th, 2009 at 5:40 am
One of the funniest things you’ve written in months. I only wish you were a bartender in this story.
September 4th, 2009 at 5:22 am
“Bitch Hedburg?!?” I LOVE YOU, DOB!!!
September 4th, 2009 at 5:17 am
This was just brilliant. I love how everyone always dies every week.
September 4th, 2009 at 5:06 am
DOB when are you going to put out a book, awesome article
September 4th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Wonderful.