Fucking military has fucking Ray Gun. Fuck.
At least that's what the attention screaming headline of a recent 60 Minutes piece recently declared. if you click on the link you can actually see the 60 Minutes clip in question. I'll briefly explain its contents here, although I should caution that the speakers on my computer are broken, so I couldn't hear what was happening:
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Two men meet in a secluded field, in what is quite clearly a pre-arranged sexual rendezvous. One of them is dressed in military fatigues, indicating his aggressive and dominant tendencies. The other fellow has the elongated nostrils of a classic bottom.
A short distance away is a dark van, that looks a little bit like it was designed using the 1980's era Lego Space collection. The van proceeds to shoot the bottom with some kind of invisible beam, causing him to shudder in ecstasy, his limbs akimbo. The process repeats several times until he screams the safeword, "Candace Bergen."
Several other people receive the same treatment, including a police officer, a woman, the police officer again, then several men in their underpants. The clip ends before they can disrobe further, the editors at 60 Minutes ever-conscious of the children who might still be watching at this early hour.
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The pedants among you will surely have pointed out by now that this isn't a ray gun so much as it is a truck mounted distance-tickler, a device that surely can't be difficult to come by on the streets of downtown Japan. Although it has worthy uses (crowd control, pet-obedience, sabotaging synchronized swimming events) it isn't really a "ray gun" in the classic sense - i.e. it doesn't conjure up any images of a Futuristic Sci-Fi Utopia where people walk around in form fitting metallic unitards, while robots serve drinks and pleasure our wives.
So, as a friendly service to 60 Minutes, and the rest of the mainstream media, if you ever want to call something a ray gun again, it should look at least something like one of these:
Failing that, it should at least be able to put a fucking hole in something.
___ Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
Very interesting idea, i was thinking about you the other day. I need some time to think about this
ReplyGreat idea this, i need some time to think about this. I never comment on those blogs, even when the content is great
ReplyHey, nice tips. Perhaps I'll buy a glass of beer to the man from that chat who told me to go to your blog :)
ReplyI live in Sherman, TX where a Raytheon plant use to be. I have reason to believe that a Pscho named Stanley Cobbs/Aka Jon Lindly has in his posession a gun which could be a Ray Gun or something very close. He is a thief and is from the Hendrix, OK area and is known to be a person that will steal gold out of a dead person's mouth. I just hope that it is not true. That the military has actually been able to keep it out of civilians hands. He has been stalking me for over 2 years and strange things have happened to me since that time that I can't explain. Being struck in the head and body through my windows by something that I can not see. I can hear it and feel it. It does feel like heat. I someone is able to hold that particular weapon on a victim for a long period of time it could kill them especially if aimed at vital organs.
ReplyI live near Sherman, TX too & know several people that used to work there. The person you are listing did not ever work there & actually they are 2 different people. The guy you are bad mouthing from Hendrix is a very nice guy & is not a thief. I think you are strange & that is why these things are happening to you: "being struck in the head and body through my window by something I cannot see.....I really think you have been struck in the head one too many times... you talk like you know all about a ray gun??? like aiming it too long at vital organs.... Well anyway I know that the person you are falsely accusing is sane, but you are in the right place here, cuz woman you are really cracked.....
damn, should have kept this a military secret for a while longer.. send them to IRAQ with CIA agents dressed as Moses dropping random people to their knees in pain for worshipping the wrong way!! Problem fucking solved
ReplyDude........I SO want one of those. If for anything else, than to zap a bag full of puppies or my idiot nieghbors.
ReplyTesla, still, is rolling over in his grave.
ReplyThe deadliest weapon in any house is a microwave oven, properly reconfigured to beam its waves at your enemy. That is all this thing is - look at it's configuration for clues.
ReplyYes! Moonraker rules!
ReplyI have a large caliber penis gun that if I shoot you with it....well...er...you're fucked...
ReplyBut you can defeat it with a thin skin of rubber. Damn!
Only if the shiny side faces out.
ReplyWill my foil suit reflect the raygun?
ReplyDOD Guy: Mr. President, the Star Wars defenxe initiative wasn't actually based on the movei Star Wars.
ReplyGWB: Well Ah'm the presdent, an' I think we should give our army ray guns!
DOD Guy: Will someone please explain this to him?
GWB: ... an' jet packs.
Ray gun? More like a promising new torture device for the Bush administration.
ReplyHmmm... over 60 million of dollars of technology defeated by a mattress. Protesters wouldn't lug around a mattress to protect themselves? Really? How about a full length mirror? What would that do? What a useless piece of crap - call me when I can't beat it with $10 of merchandise from a second-hand store.
ReplyInterestingly, the military refused requests for the device to be used in Iraq (high ranking officers have been asking since 2003 for non-lethal crowd control) They cite that it is too expensive and might be construed as a torture device.
Useless.
I dunno, with people spending cancer-worthy amounts of time in the sun and great sums of money on moronic tanning beds, don't you think there'd be at least ONE dimwit who'd get their jollies off being zapped by this thing?
ReplyAs far as innocent (?) protesters, I agree that this is a far better solution than that whole "boot-to-head" deal. Not that I care about the protesters, but I do spend quite a bit of time polishing my boots.
"it’s a damn sight better than their current system of unloading eight clips of ammo into a homeless person for waving a stick around.".......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................YeeHah Potatoes.
ReplyGreat to see the Americans tax dollars are being well-spent building Giant multi-million dollar guns with the sole purpose of tickling people from one hundred feet away, that'll teach those evil pacifistic war protesters. Capitalist pigdogs!
ReplyBut can anyone else see the real-breakthrough here? SEX-TOYS DAMNIT! Like those tiny laser pointers that assholes used to use. You'd just point the miniature tickle gun at the girl you're trying to pick up, then when she says "What in the name of Christmas was that"? You say "Hey I don't know but I just walked into the room, heh, heh, heh" and then she'd presumably rip off her clothes right there and bone your brains out. And you'd say "Alright ticklegun"! Yeah I can see the infomercials now.
fucking pants? Are those like my humping shorts?
ReplyYeah, despite the probability of this being misused by the authorities, it's a damn sight better than their current system of unloading eight clips of ammo into a homeless person for waving a stick around.
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