So after three straight weeks of tooling on CNN, Hate By Numbers has come home to Fox News where apparently they are totally OK with running informercials for diet products under the guise of medical reports. It should be mentioned that due to my new computer, loaded with the as bad as you’ve heard Windows Vista, HBN almost didn’t happen this week. But MJ-89 stepped forward with her IT know how and plucky Australian determination. Thanks MJ! But of course, the real story this week is the inability of certain Cracked readers to tell DOB and me apart. Read all about it after the vid.
Last week, Dan O’Brien poked a little fun at me in his Roseanne article by dropping my Facebook link and beseeching the Cracked readers to befriend me. I chuckled and got ready to receive a handful of friend requests. Surprisingly, there were over a hundred. Even more surprising, about 20 of them were from people trying to befriend Dan O’Brien. I was incredulous. How could anyone mix up Dan O’Brien and me? We are nothing alike. I was mad. Indignant. Insulted. And I knew exactly what to do. I stormed into Editor in Chief Jack O’Brien’s office and demanded an explanation:
“This business about the readers mixing up me and DOB has got to stop!” I asserted.
But Jack wasn’t paying attention. He was proofing Ross’s new article about The 7 Craziest Advice Tips For Ebay Shoppers.
“Check it out,” he said without looking up. “Really first rate. If it weren’t for the fact that Ross occasionally murders people in accordance with the phases of the moon, he’d be my favorite Cracked blogger.”
But I wasn’t interested in hearing about Ross. “Are you listening to me, Premature E-Jack-U-Lation?” I inquired. “We have a problem here.”
“What is it NOW, Dan,” Jack said, looking up from the piece. “Oh, Gladstone . . . I thought . . .”
“Thought what, Banana Jackeries?”
“Thought you were someone else. Never mind…. And stop calling me that.”
I knew Jack was a reasonable man at heart. A man who unlike DOB and me, had never been held in Disney jail for asking Minnie Mouse (repeatedly) if she were “fucking Goofy,” during a character breakfast. (That shit just does NOT get old.) I tried to appeal to his inner businessmen.
“Listen to me, Three-Jack-A-Day-Smoking-Habit. Cracked has got to do a better job differentiating between DOB and me. Don’t you want the readers to have TWO reasons to come visit Jacked.com?”
Jack tightened up his eyes in an inexplicable display of pain. I assumed the lashes from his recent dominatrix visit were flaring up. (I’d read that all powerful men have their own dominas.)
“First of all,” he said. “You’re doing it wrong. You’re just supposed to do variations on my name — not insert “Jack” into any word that happens to rhyme with it. Second, are you seriously complaining about this?”
“Of course not, Tic-Jack-Toe” I said, trying to think how I could complain without appearing to be complaining. I came up empty so I just tried affecting a more pleasing English accent. “It’s just, I’ve worked hard to carve out my own identity, and when 19 year old Facebookers get confused by a link, it just ruins it for me. I mean, seriously, how could anyone mix up Dan O’Brien and me?”
“Why are you talking like that?”
“Do you like it, Ex-Jack Change Lane?”
“No. I hate it. And was that suppose to rhyme with Exact Change?”
“Right-o, Guv’ner! Jolly good.”
Jack got up from his desk with a deeply pained growl. I could only imagine that his demanding mistress had been experimenting with new forms of CBT.
“Gladstone, this is not a problem. Buckholz punching my Grandma right in the face was a problem. But a handful of readers confusing you and DOB is not a problem.”
“First of all, Polly-Wants-A-Jacker, your Grandma totally had it coming. But second, can you just explain to me how it’s possible? How could someone confuse DOB with me?”
Jack shifted his weight uncomfortably — no doubt due to the chaffing from the leather assless chaps I assumed he wore beneath his clothing. (At this point, it was just my running guess that his predilection for sado-masochism was the only real problem in our relationship). “Why would they mix you up? Gee, Gladstone. I don’t know. Let’s see:
You both write for Cracked.com;
You’re both from the Northeast;
You’re both the youngest of three brothers;
Neither of you is what a strapping man like me would call “tall;”
At least once, you both have expressed the desire to become, or have claimed that you actually are, Spider-Man;
You have both written multiple articles about Hannah Montana/Miiey Cyrus;
Neither of you kill people in a ritualistic and Zodiac-based fashion like Ross Wolinsky;
You both played in bands in college;
Both of you have engaged in a public slander campaign for the affections of Cracked readers who may or may not look like their avatars and who would never have sex with you in real life;
You both fought crime in Rhode Island in the 90’s as masked vigilantes with secret identities starting with “M;”
And lastly, you are the only two guys I know who are still sporting sideburns. Seriously, what is wrong with you?”
I was undeterred by Jack’s list. “Yeah, but I’m Gladstone. The name is synonymous with humor and class. ‘O’Brien’ is synonymous with functional alcoholism and chlamydia.”
“You know that my last name is also ‘O’Brien,’ right Gladstone?”
“Yes. What’s your point? We’re talking about me and DOB now. Try to stay focused Killing-Me-Softly-With-His-Song-Was-Sung-By-Roberta-FLACK.”
“Gladstone, I hate you so much, I no longer feel bad about writing all those nasty things about you on Digg.com.”
Just then DOB walked in, and for a moment it was like I was a staring at a mirror — if mirrors could make you less hot and rob you of your comedic abilities. I tried to think of a cutting insult. Something to let Dan know he meant nothing to me. I could tell Dan was hard at work too, crafting the perfect comedic diss to put me in my place. We stared at each other for close to thirty seconds, our well lubed comedic minds working overtime, pursuing a the pinnacle of sophisticated and incisive humor. And then, in the glow of comedic inspiration, we delivered the logical fruition of our industry:
“Cockgoblin!” we screamed in unison.
It seems Highlander was wrong. There can be more than only one.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under DOB is like a deceitful homeless woman, Hate By Numbers, I hate my co-bloggers, Jack O'Brien Hates America, Ross is the Zodiac Killer, Uncategorized, chris is Casnadian. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 1st, 2009 at 9:50 pm
This was fantastic. Write more often.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
“Gladstone, this is not a problem. Buckholz punching my Grandma right in the face was a problem. But a handful of readers confusing you and DOB is not a problem.”
“First of all, Polly-Wants-A-Jacker, your Grandma totally had it coming. But second…”
_______
“Yeah, but I’m Gladstone. The name is synonymous with humor and class. ‘O’Brien’ is synonymous with functional alcoholism and chlamydia.”
_______
And the entire last paragraph.
_______
I don’t think anything has ever made me laugh out loud like this before while reading… I always love articles about the actual cracked staff.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Um…Wow.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I don’t know what a public slander campaign is, but I think it’s high time someone engaged in one for my affections. Preferably a Cracked blogger. Failing that, maybe one of The Strokes.
September 6th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Which superpower would you prefer to have? Partial Invisibility or Blurred X-Ray vision?
September 5th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Thank Reba. It’s not that fine an art. I mean, if DOB can do it…
September 5th, 2008 at 8:12 am
GMan! where ya been?
September 5th, 2008 at 5:53 am
This was all kinds of Awesome, good job Gladstone.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:39 am
Glad I could help with the thesis J-pappi. Just make sure you cite that shit properly.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I love your nicknames. Tic-Jack-Toe is my favorite, closely followed by Ex-Jack Change Lane (due to its sheer “are you kidding me” factor). I guess it takes practice. It’s a fine art.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Shit. I only have 6 piercings.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Oh, you meant Res_Ipsa. That’s okay, then.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Hey!
September 4th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
That wasn’t necessarily addressed at you J-pappi, it was towards the “weirder” cracked bloggers.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Thank goodness! I knew you were wholesome. Now I don’t have to get my ass kicked by another blogger. Sorry to disappoint? Wait, you don’t think I was the curious…Shana! What kind of person do you think I am? Whatever you do, don’t answer that.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
The other piercing is my eyebrow. Sorry to disappoint (not really).
September 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
MBS, that would make sense except for the fact that there are an awful lot of them. Wait a minute, though; are the Japanese the only Asians that do the blurring thing? If so, you might have hit on why there are so many Chinese and so few Japanese. I smell a Master’s Thesis.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Now Shana, that leaves one piercing unaccounted for and you KNOW some sick fuck on here’s gonna ask you about it, so if they do just let me know and I’ll defend your honor.
Kingmonkey, you haven’t seen my collection.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Funny you should say that J-pappi. I actually have 8 piercings. I only put jewelry in the 6 in my ears and i think the hole in my nose closed up… The piercing, not my nostril.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
That’s not the only problem with Japanese adult movies. They have some eftishes so nasty, they make even you seem like a mentally stable person.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
No J-pappi, its just that the japanize are unfamiliar with what the penis actually looks like, so as to avoid embarrasment they blur them out so that it looks like it could be right but who knows.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
So THAT’S the problem with Japanese PRon1! Whoever’s shooting it has blurred x-ray vision and that’s why the genitals are impossible to define.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@ Gladstone
That’s not a very good superpower…it’s like partial invisibilty, or blurred x-ray vision.
September 4th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Metalbrainsurgery won this conversation when he thanked “space Odin”.
Also, I’m underneath DOB.
* raises eyebrows suggestively *
September 4th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Sucks to your assmar.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Can I just take a moment to point out that Res_Ipsa was the voice of reason fo ra while back there?
What has happened to us all? I hope I’m not Piggy, because I don’t want to get my head crushed by a rock when you guys start worshipping the boar’s head.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Thanks MJ. Back in our crimefighting days, labeling bad guys with snide catchphrases was one of our superpowers.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:41 am
@ Gladstone
I was actually thinking yesterday that every crazy-ass comment you make about other Cracked.com bloggers seems to catch on straight away and with great force. It’s a really awesome skill you’ve got there. Perhaps you’ll start to use your power of suggestion for good rather than evil. Probably not, though.
DOB has similar powers, he just tends to aim his at unsuspecting fifteen year old girls rather than his ‘co-workers’. Together you could rule the world.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:29 pm
yes J-pappi, for only one minute exactly at 3:23, because there are two 3’s in 3:23 and 3 + 3 = 6, times the leftover 2 = 12 which = two 6’s and since it was in the third hour it all tallys up to 666, that being the most metal number.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
A good backhanded compliment deserves a good backhand; FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! C’mon, y’all; do like right outside the school bus. Just be like “I KNOW you di-ent,” and start handing all your various earrings and such to your friends while the rest of us back off to form a circle. I got 20 bucks on whichever of you has more piercings.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
glendoor42 you always make me smile.
And thanks for the backhanded compliment, Shana. As long as we’re all on the same page.
It’s all about the comedy, people.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Oh, snap! It just got a little catty up in heah. One vote for some hair-pullin’ mazola wrastlin’ to settle the score. Two bathing suits enter, neither leave. And we’ll find out if someone’s wearing extensions or not.
MBS, you guys only practiced one minute? You must be pretty tight. I’ll send you an e-mail here in a few when I get the grill lit; been a busy mofo the last 24 hours.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
And for the record, since i started this slander let me be clear. Swaim does NOT rape dogs. He TRIES to rape dogs. But Swaim is impotent. That is why i created the post that reads “Swaim Tried to rape my dog.” I also started the Ross = The Zodiac Killer reference. You’re welcome!
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I was just teasing greengoddess. Honestly I don’t even read your posts.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I think you’re funny, everytime I read your name in the comments ,I sing your name in my head to the tune of Green Giant.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I thought I was at least a little funny.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Shit. That made me cry a little.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Femaleness has nothing to do with you being not funny.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’ll also try not to stink up the place with my unfunny femaleness.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Holy Shit, what comments!
Josie, my precious, thank you for your support.
And even though my roof did cave in, we did not get a hurricane (Savannah never does). It just rained for a week until the dilapidated building I live in began to crumble. And we had to evacuate for 3 days. And I missed Cracked.
Thank you Res Ipsa for calming everyone down.
I will continue to wait for my 1 minute and 17 seconds of mind-blowing eye candy…
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
And I’m older than any two average Cracked.com readers.
And I know I’m old because at the doctor’s today he looked at me and smiled and said ” Well SFC.glendoor42 your prostate looks great.” ( yeah, I got lucky today)
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Yeah, you might even have hair on it one day.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
*Testicle to descend. One of them already did.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
J pappi, your reference was to a classic SNL skit. That’s not really proof of anything. Even DOB would have gotten it and he’s still waiting for his testicles to descend.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Hey Josie, you know why I didnt get your last message? I was at band practice with my death/thrash metal band. At 3:23 am.
But seriously, I don’t care what you think either, so lets just be apathetic toward eachother. And its not that I dont enjoy your enthusiasm, you just clog up the comments section with worthless blabbering. The forums and pm’s are much more suited to this.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
jmcfarl3- You’re an unfunny idiot. That conversation you just commented on has been over for a while.
Josie- Remember what they taught you in therapy, try deep breaths and counting to ten. Then walk away, you’ll feel better about it later.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I made a very old reference to him recently, and he knew what I was talking about. But then that implies that I’m old as well. Not good, Hank.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@lapinot
Odds are in your favor that he is older than you. Mind you, I have no idea how old you are, but statistically speaking, Gladstone is older than everyone on the planet.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Funny video, funny article, funny comments. Gladstone’s my favourite because I think he’s older than I am.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:41 am
yo Josie and Shana. we have a forum and a personal messenging device for people who want to compliment each other’s dildos.
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 am
dugged
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:11 am
Very, very funny. Still laughing at the Jack name jokes… and G-balls… can we give 2 diggs for extra funny articles?
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:47 am
I agree with Wallsy. I enjoy HBN but I miss your writings, Gladstonia.
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:12 am
Gladstone, HBN is always amusing, but you should do more regular blog posts too. This DOB parody is the funniest thing you’ve done in a while.
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:10 am
Hey josie: SHUT THE FUCK UP. I used to enjoy the comments sections before I had to wade through a million moronic postings by you. You make the comments unreadable.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:53 am
Holy crap, leave for a night and suddenly there’s a shirtless deathmatch in the making.
@ MJ-89: Re: Shirt–You’re totally awesome. You have my vote for Emperor of the World, if you ever decide to go for that position.
@ Various bickering people: Calm down. I brought enough cookies and/or beer and/or de–never mind, I won’t say it–for everyone. Let’s all sit down and be friends.
@ Kingmonkey: 400 Babies? (They’ll be deported to Kenya.)
@ J-Pappi: I think exorcism is your only true option.
@ Josie: I told you not to Google it! (Yiffing.) I’m very thankful I don’t get mental images easily.
Poor Gladstone. First he gets denied his attractive assistants, now we overtake his HBN with endless comments.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:03 am
@ MJ-89
You have no idea how much you have brightened my day with instructions on how to turn that fucking thing off. As a person with minimal computer based skills it was driving me mental and I had no idea how to turn it off!
Also, your Gladstone>Swaim t-shirt is awesome. I torn between jealousy for not thinking of the idea first, and awe because it was really cool.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:27 am
Hey MJ (Yeah you might want to distant yourself..I’m a bit of an outcast) I loathed Office 2007..but I agree with you..once you get it..it’s pretty cool..
How’s down under?
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 am
Yeah that’s right, sweetpea.. Metal brain.. you know you can eat me, right? You know I could give not one fucking shit what you think, right? Yeah..it’s probably past your bedtime..are you alone again? Yup..I could write your biography.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 am
@ J-Pappi
Glendoor already gave you instructions so there’s no need to repeat it but as for Office 2007 (not such thing as XP and Vista Office for those of you playing along at home :P) if you make yourself use it for a couple of weeks to get used to the layout you’ll notice that it’s actually a much better layout (and much more user friendly) than the 2003 edition. Everything of the similar function is in the same place and you don’t have to use freaking drop down menus for everything that isn’t retard-basic.
I might sound like a crazy bitch to you right now but I promise you I was the first to complain about Office 2007 when it was first released. I hated the shit out of it. However, I am also a complete sucker for funky new technologies/programs so I made a point to use it and was pleasantly surprised. Give it a fair go and you won’t regret it.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:00 am
cracked blogger uses vista? wow
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:59 am
Okay..assholes.. try to keep up..it’s not every day I have to deal with your level of stupidity..Number one.. the crackpipe is really really essential to one’s day. The high makes it all possible..the combativeness, the intolerance..yup..it’s all there.
And two..I’m pretty sure you need to see “one”. Aha! Ya’ll have it wrong! We’re into Crystal Meth here. We haven’t time for that bullshit crack shit. And meth is so way cheaper. A little dab will do ya. So no..I’m not on crack. Maybe later..I’m kinda poor right now.. DOB is still a dick..
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:31 am
I really don’t know what can be said after that… other than I have no idea what just happened in the past fifteen minutes (I’m a slow reader).
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:28 am
Wow, this became a very intense comments section all of a sudden.
I think it scared off Gladstone too
Gladrags?
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:18 am
Actually Lizzz, I think the shirtless obsession, as well as every single one of her random incoherent posts, came from a crackpipe.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Thank space Odin, she’s done.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:42 pm
ellipses…ftw…
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Okay..I’m the asshole..to your joy..I’m done..
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:25 pm
@Josie
…Nothing in DOB’s post really sounds like an attack. A correction, or something, maybe, but…oh well, nunna my business.
Anyway, Great post Gladstone.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:24 pm
And thanks Glendoor for the Vista tips its been driving me frickin crazy too.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:23 pm
josie.. your messages come across like.. your wasted.. or something.. is this where the.. shirtless obsession.. comes from?
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Metal..she lost her roof last hurricane. Doesn’t matter anyway..we were just kidding. Trying to be anyway..yeah..I reacted to DOB..but he attacked me. We were just fucking around..
I’m sorry if I didn’t give you a chuckle..
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:05 pm
email address*
Not LA the city, but as in Louisiana
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Josie, you have no idea how unfunny you have made this place. SHUT THE HELL UP.
And green goddes also lives in GA. Which was NOT hit by a hurricane. We got alittle rain. LA got hit which is 3 fucking states over. Thats like if there was a wildfire in Washington state me being freaked out about some one in New Mexico being in dager of the fire.
You are the most freaking GABBY person EVER.
J-pappi, did you get my email? I left it on the last blog.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Sorry, Gladstone.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Okay Daniel.You don’t have to be such a dick about it. Wow..eat me a little bit..Yeah when you post it..I’ll be there. And if you ever call me a freak again I’m going to sic every friend I have on you..(you lie) and they are crazy. (I’m pretty sure they’re rapists..yeah..you might like that..)
Interestingly enough, prick, the last thing I want in my life is to see you anywhere near naked. BUT MY GREENGODDESS does. So I’m working to this effort, capiche?
Otherwise.. have a great day.
aloha,
jo
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Oh shit, rewind.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 pm
We should do this campaign Gladstone style and start a facebook group.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Josie, for the last time, Swaim rapes dogs. Michael Swaim. World Class Canine Rapist, it’s right on his business card. Also, Gladstone and I are planning an epic, co-blog post video wherein we will both be shirtless for 1 minute and 17 seconds, (another second more and your retinas would explode at our magnificence). But we swore an oath that we would cancel our shirtless video adventure if you shrieking harpies mentioned one more word about it. From now until the end of time.
So that’s how it works. You freaks want G-Balls and I in various degrees of undressed? Then never say a word about it.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Josie: “Maybe you got a lemon. No, you got a lemon.”
Have you ever watched Picnicface on Youtube? Their Powerthirst ad has a line of which you reminded me.
“When God gives you lemons, you find yourself a new God!”
Also, I want to see Gladstone’s boobs. Purely for scientific reasons, you understand.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Yeah..I know..Glendoor told me. I love ya anyway, dude..everyone needs a hobby..
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Ok, I really gotta go. I have a feeling Gladstone’s really uncomfortable now. I was just kidding, man (………maybe……)
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Only when I’m really drunk. It’s his pinchable little cheeks that get me going anytime.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
@Shana..yeah..cute..I got ya..let’s watch’em squiirm..
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:36 pm
J-Pappi..so you kinda like G Stone’s boobs?
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Gladstone’s boobs probably have a five o’clock shadow.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
No, the point was, you said they must be insecure so I was stating us girls love them even if the are fat (which I doubt they are).
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
@ shana..so you’ve seen their boobs?
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
“kinda;” excuse me.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Ladies, ladies; no need to go Pappi-bashing just ’cause the batteries on your dildos ran out. It’s all good; I forgive you. For the record, when I guys says “I’d like to see you all naked and oil your bodies up for a wrestling event” it doesn’t mean “I guess he’s scared of girls.” I know the nuances of male-female communication can sometimes be subtle and easy to miss-communicate, but that one was kinds simple.
Thanks for the info, Glendoor; I’ll put it to use immediately.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Manboobs ftw!
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Gladass?
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
That’s depressing. We love you guys no matter how horribly misshapen your bodies might be!
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:09 pm
I know what I want to see ,Swaim eat dogshit and Gladstone dress up like Amy Winehouse,…….Oh, wait…..They’ve already done that.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I know oh so little about the boys..I do know Gladstone prefers G Stone. Yup.. we went through G-Rocks..what have you..(I didn’t realize Glady was up for consideration)…yeah..he himself likes G Stone ( no hyphen)..I use it when I can. DOB..there is very bad stuff.. dogs..I’m not really sure..
I think they have no intention of taking off their shirts for “greengoddess” (even though she lost her roof). I think they are not happy with their bodies.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
@ J-Pappi Here’s how to turn off UAC.
1. First go to Start> Control Panel
2. Select User Accounts> Select Turn User Account Control on or off
3. Now Uncheck User Account Control Box
4. It will take into effect once you restart your pc.
When you reboot window security crap is going to say you have problems with your security just turn off the warning.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:50 pm
So how do Glady and Dan feel about all this? (I’m getting bored of the name “Glady” anyone got a better nickname?)
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I think Gladstone asked Dan(or the Snake Pope) to write this for him.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:46 pm
As it is..he’s one of my friends. So I really can’t send him to the ringer..but yeah..SO scared of girls.. He’s the biggest smart ass..giving us crap..but throw a woman in front of him and he’s crap. Funny. Boys are stupid..
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
@josie - I think girls do scare J-Pappi
@J-Pappi - I don’t think there is anything to hash out….I believe we have made ourselves perfectly clear
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Sweet Pea..you are preachin..( I’ve never seen you so in a bunch..do girls scare you?) Nothing will stop our cause.. OFF WITH THE SHIRTS OR WE EAT CARBS! And frankly I’m tired of you denying..
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Hate? I don’t know.
Quiet, reserved dissatisfaction by numbers? Closer.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I’ve gotta get some work done; y’all hash this out amongst yourselves and try not to make O’Brien and Gladstone too homoerotically uncomfortable.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Female boobies (and wadded panties for that matter) are indeed my thing; not those two guys. Trust me; there’s a difference. A very important one. Now, if the 6 or 8 chicks here want to do a topless wrestling even for charity, I’ll stroke a check right now. I’ll even help out with the marketing. Apply the oil, and such.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Trust me ..it’s all for “greengoddess.”..
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Cool! LETS SEE DEM BOOBS!
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Yup..
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Glady*
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Are the boobies you are reffering to Dan and Gladdy’s boobies?
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Aw..I so want to help you here sweetie.. But there are circumstances we women can’t ignore..besides..why are you getting your panties in a bunch cause we want boobies? Isn’t that your forum?
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
YOU may be beyond it, but I just logged in, so I’ll thank you to allow my question to be answered young miss.
And I certainly don’t object to your contest but I promise the last thing I really want to see is two shirtless comedians wrestling for charity. It would only be funny if they were fat.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
And I gotta admit I never thought this place would get overrun by chicks…not that that’s a bad thing.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Aloha J-Pappi..you know we’re really beyond this now..we’re looking at different things.. do we have your support?
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Wow, I do a drive by post earlier and leave and everyone does the whole “NORM!” from Cheers thing and I’m not even here. I feel like a douche, now.
MJ-89, if you can tell me how to turn that fucking thing off Vista (I had absolutely no idea you could) I’ll love and worship you forever. ANY tips as to how to get rid of or disable any of the “improvements” over XP would be greatly appreciated. The new version of Word is so completely convoluted, difficult and plain disfunctional I have to do all my writing in a computer lab on a different, older computer. Bill Gates needs to die, and anyone else in his family who might still be able to procreate and piss any of his genetics into the collective gene pool.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Right on Halligirl.. as long we’re on the same page..throw me a hello on the HBN from the home page.. and we’ll begin (I’ll get u as a friend)
(G Stone.. you can’t be mad.. I’m upping you’re female fans..)
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Hi Shana and Josie. I know I’m a “Newbie”…but I would like to throw my support behind the shirtless blogging, you know….for the sake of charity…
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Oh uh sure.. for charity…
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Uh..Hi Dan.. Atomic..relax a little bit. Shana..am I confusing you? My bad..We’re trying to get these kids to take off their shirts..for greengoddess..she lost her roof in the last hurricane. They should go on tv..make money for her..and stop evading the issue..
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I will make it clear right now though, I am all for the shirtless blogging idea.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I don’t understand what your saying Josie. Is there some proposition going on here? What is going on?
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Oh, Jesus.
Anyways, once again Gladstone, funny vid. But now I’m reminded of why I stopped bothering with the comments section lately.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Alright. Calm down, now.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
No, Atomic Spike..so either get off the line or contribute to the cause..your “noob” is irrelevant..
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Did someone I’ve never heard of before just call me a noob?
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Glendoor..: leave us alone..you’ve had you’re chance..
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Highly inappropriate my ass..you are beloved here on these posts.. why shouldn’t we see the kids shirtless?..It’s a girl thing..
On the other hand.. why is it so different? They can spout anything at you but you can’t see them in their birthday suits? What makes you so different? We’re just asking boobs.
Glad you don’t hate my guts..
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Yeah, the first thing I thought, when I first watched HBN this morning was” Damn Gladstone looks hot with that stubble”
Yup, that was the first thing that came to mind.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Oh I just read the comments. Shirtless blogging eh? Gladstone and Dan eh? This intrigues me. Considering the fact I am 15 my input is highly inappropriate. However, Dan’s articles suggest he has a weakness for jail bait so sure, I’ll support you.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I don’t hate you at all Josie. I admire you for apologizing, most people on the Internet would never do such a thing.
Back us on what? Gladstone writing more or the shirtless fight?
You love my posts? Why thank you, I appreciate the compliment.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
We need you Shana..you’re the girl..(yeah I know I told you to knock it off with the kid and you probably hate me but its so not that)..I was telling him to leave you alone..Back us, won’t you? I love your posts..
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Yay! You finally submitted writing! I loved the Dan mockery. Yes, I just use the fucking word mockery fuck yeah.
I liked the video too, you seemed into it more so than usual. Keep it up Glady (that name’s gona stick).
You and Dan need to settle this in a shirtless cage fight. Rules: anything goes. Although in my opinion you guys aren’t alike.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Yeah..yeah writing too fast..
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Okay..greengoddess..you an I need to become friends..(Click on me under Gladstone’s newest) ..they are evading us. Chest hair, I suspect, is keeping them from going full frontal. They think we don’t remember the promises? As your on line lawyer..I would caution you to speak directly to either party until they are fully undressed.
Not that I’m a lawyer..but you get me..
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Josie, do we need to start a letter-writing campaign for our shirtless blogs? I for one am still waiting for the Ultimate Shirtless Blog To The Death between DOB and G-stoner.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
It’s shit like this “cookie segment” that prompted me to throw away my TV.
Plus, Gladstone is hot.
The stubble is a good look for you. Makes you look kind of dangerous.
No, really.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
(i write too fast..too many mistakes..)
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Hey MJ..I’m kinda glad to get you..pretty fun being featured in an article, yeah? As to the plusses and minuses of Vista..sometimes..it’s what you’re doing. Right? If one over taxes the system by downloading 3 thing at once, it’s gonna crash, eh? XP blows in comparison..I agree.
(In an effort to keep this about the article) whaddya think about G Stone’s new stubble?)
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Shush, Gladstone, my appointments with your boss are supposed to be confidential.
BTW, Jack, I need that butt plug back.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@ Res_Ipsa
In answer to your question that is me in the shirt but words were photoshopped on at about 2am while I was drunk. I think I did pretty well considering I walked into the hallway wall about 45 seconds after posting the photo.
@Glendoor
I have also never had any problems with Vista. Aside from it’s constantly asking me to approve everything, but I just turned that off, like any sane person would do. In fact I now find XP rather frustrating due to it’s lack of start search functionality.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
@Glendoor..and surely your going to share with Gladstone, no?
AtomicSpike..who doesn’t have oodles, etc. of problems? To whom are you addressing? (Newbies..pain in the ass)
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
@J-Pappi Well certain bloggers here have stated that I’m the devil, so maybe that’s why I ‘ve never had a problem with Vista. There are certain tweaks that you can do to make it run smoother and faster though and it tends to run best on more powerful systems.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Yes, but you don’t have oodles of noodles of problems. Now that’s bad.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:16 pm
G stone..wow. My bad. It “freezes” right? Maybe you got a lemon. No, you got a lemon.
Res_Ispa: Damn, dude. You like J-Pappi too? He’s real sensitive so I throw him a bone from time to time. Thanks alot for introducing me to “yiffer”..the tapeworm in G Stone’s video was easier to stomach. I should have listened. But you goaded me..
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
J-Pappi’s back! Hooray!
Josie: Trust me. You don’t want to know. If you do, look on Urban Dictionary but for the love of God, don’t Google it.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Josie, vista came installed on my brand new dell studio 15 and i have oodles of problems.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
@J-Pappi: Hey! My long lost friend! I have Vista. People who hate Vista are people who installed it on they’re old, musty systems. New computers have no problems. In fact, we luv it.
@Res_Ispa..what’s a yiffer?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Hilarious, Gladstone. I just ate a whole fucking family pack of Oreo’s; can’t wait to step on the scale tomorrow.
Windows Vista is the devil, Glendoor; I must assume you were being sarcastic.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Pingollum, did you just add Harry Potter to my fanfic world?! (D.O’B. = Dobby from HP? Yikes.)
Well played. I also suggest heavy tranquilizers for sleeping tonight.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Kingmonkey, just wait until next week’s installment with very special guests Swaim, a dog, and Ross’ horrified look as he realizes he’s been drugged and dressed up as Robin.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“As Dobby gently tweaked the bat-nipples and Glandstone nuzzled the pointy ears and the neck of the Bat-cowl, Christian slowly felt his batarang unfurl…”
Oh Lord no… I just can’t go on…Res_Ipsa WHYYYYY? Why meeeee?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Great post Gladstone! I can’t believe the people they find to put on as “Medical Doctors”. I mean, he thinks a cookie diet is a good thing? Seriously? I don’t think he could be more irresponsible! Do people actually watch Fox “News”? Because, to be honest, I am a little fearful for the American public….
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
“‘O’Brien’ is synonymous with functional alcoholism and chlamydia.”
HA!! Good job Glandsdob. Funny HBN and killer blog.
@kingmonkey: What about the references to the ‘gentle but firm-gripping hands of Malfred the Butt-ler’?
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Res_Ipsa’s been sending me D.O’B.-Gladstone-Christian Bale fanfics for a while now. They’re well-written, but feature a disturbing number of allusions to “plumbing the darkness of each others’ bat caves.”
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Sorry, just getting around to reading this. By far, I was most amused by the “Jack” puns. Dare I say, you are a gifted rhymer..
Is the 5 o’clock shadow an attempt to emulate McConaughey or evidence of a really long weekend?
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Swaim I applaud you for this post, its the best I’ve seen all week.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Excellent HBN, G-Rocks. But Fox was not the first to report this monumental news. CNN has been scrolling, “Fat People Like Cookies.” under their broadcast for two days.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Damn it’s hard to make Jack Jokes. I congratulate you solely on that, Gladstone O’Brien, never mind the lack of crotch indications or hipflasks.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
So does this mean that you both have rock hard, well-defined abs? Was that image of Gladstone flexing on HBN the other week real?
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:00 pm
So Gladstone is now DOB without his appreciation for boning, who started off as Pinkerton with the penchant for stalking and aggravated assault replaced by a rhyming name scheme. This is not a good trend.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Gladstone, I really like your posts where you hate on stuff, especially the ones aboout Hannah Montana, Google, and lolcats.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Good job Gladstone, but did that Dr. Manny use to be a doctor for the mob or what?
and don’t hate on vista. I’ve never had a problem with it.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
Excuse me? Putting up with us is a benefit. We allow Jack O’Brien to put up with us, because we’re very generous people.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:54 am
Gladstone, I was gonna write on your wall on facebook last friday pretending to be disapointed that your not DOB. Im glad I didnt for 2 reasons: (1) I couldnt think of anything funny/ witty enough (2) morons did it for me, and showed us how not funny I would have been.
Also, your identity on this site shall be sealed, until DOB starts doing videos. So, keep a watch on him. Make sure YOU are the M of M&M Cracked readers know as the “the video guy”.
Also, what fucking benefits is Jack getting to put up with you guys?
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:45 am
Good vid but I loved the conversation with Banana Jackeries even better. Although for a second there, I thought the ending was about to turn into a slashfic. I was disappointed when it didn’t.
Also, my spell check feature tried to replace Jackeries with Quackeries.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Scary.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:01 am
Awesome post, DOB, keep up the great work.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Dang, Ross Wolinsky goes out on killing sprees at full moon!? That is fuckin’ rad! Still, Ross’ number one stalker fan. * Points at crotch repeatedly. *
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
And is that MJ-89 wearing that admittedly awesome shirt, or did she just create the shirt/image? Will there be a Mace & Machete shirt?
Burning questions, and I don’t mean burning like D.O’B.’s chlamydia or Gladstone’s tears (as another Facebooker mistakes him for D.O’B.).
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
Or at least the post was, not the video.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
Man, that Cookie Monster clip was terrifying for some reason. And this would have been the perfect video to use a certain song *wink wink* as it was aimed straight at D.O’B.’s . . . genitals.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:15 am
For shame, Glady. (Can I call you that?) You used to be my role model. Someone to whom I could look up [to]. What’s next, don’t-get-mad-get-Gladstone? Dog raping? Killing according to the dictates of some made up star patterns? Riding motorcycles and writing about the Olympics? And to think, I even coated my walls with pictures of you. (My girlfriend has been a bit disturbed about that–that and the D.O’B.-Gladstone-Christian Bale fanfics I keep writing.)
Oh, well. I should really watch the video now. You forgot two very important things in your D.O’B. imitation: 1) bottles or flasks of booze; 2) boning and/or pointing to your crotch.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
Yes, DOB dropped my link, but his post had his name in the byline and pictures of him in it, so….
In any event, the post above is meant to be satirical — not a scathing indictment of those who were confused.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
I have to say that the O’riley jazzercise pic was funny, but it also hurt my retnas.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
Morphine’s back which is awesome
since I’m sporting sideburns too I can feel your pain Danstone
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:52 am
DoB’s Roseanne article had a link underneath it to YOUR facebook page..maybe that’s where the confusion started?
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:16 am
Oh and what’s wrong with cocaine and tapeworms for dieting? It was a huge hit in the 1920’s!
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:15 am
Man, what ever happened to Mary-Lou on sesame street anyway?
And uh, Gladstone, maybe you should laye off the cookies…
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
You know, I have become quite addicted to that few seconds of The Night. Glad it’s back.
I found the last clip about cookies to be, by far, the most educational.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 am
I thought the HBN was good, and so was the blog. But seriously, I thought HBN was Gladdy’s thing, right Dan? As surely as Ross is a serial killer.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 am
Actually make that ‘the image before the tapeworm’
This crazy cookie diet I’m on is making me all spacey
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
The tapeworm bit caught me so off guard I actually snorted a little.
Perhaps snorted wasn’t the best choice of words considering the image after the tapeworm….
MJ-89 is right - the sideburns are awesome. So is the 3 day growth
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:48 am
stop calling me funny you asshole.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:35 am
“You know that my last name is also ‘O’Brien,’ right Gladstone?”
– Classic.
19 year old Facebookers are the best kind of Facebookers, Gladstone. You should know that! Gawd.
My internet was slowed to dial up speeds for going over my download limit this morning but in about 15 minutes the video should have loaded (sigh) and I’ll be back to comment then!
Oh and for the record of think your (that’s a plural your FYI) sideburns are totally hot.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:30 am
Oh, snap! It looks like there’s only one way to settle this, gentlemen: Thunderdome, two men enter, one man leaves.
Unless one man has killed and eaten the other, then it’s possible that more than one man leaves.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:29 am
both of these peices had the potential for way funnyness, but both fell flat. But anyway tell me of this band you played in Gladstone.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 am
and way meh
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 am
first