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'Watchmen' Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks


Dear Fox,

Eat all the dicks.

Love,

-DOB

PS

(Okay, let me clarify a little bit for anyone who might be reading this letter that isn't either a)obsessed with The Watchmen or b) the head of the Fox Corporation.) Back in the 80s, Fox purchased the rights to a Watchmen movie and celebrated by not making it for 20 years. Now, Warner Brothers respected their decision but, oddly enough, felt that a Watchmen movie would look better if it was actually, you know, made. So, Warner Brothers decided to make it. They announced their plans well over a year ago and Watchmen is now one of the most anticipated movies of the year. If you saw The Dark Knight and, statistically speaking, you probably did, then you already saw the trailer.

If you're me and, statistically speaking, you're probably not, then you went back to your apartment and watched the trailer on Youtube over and over again and experienced an odd yet not totally unexpected sense of profound sexual arousal that you could really only describe as spiritual.

If you're Fox, you patiently waited until the excitement over the movie reached a boner-inducing fever pitch, and then you decided to sue Warner Brothers and, according to the New York Times, you won. On Christmas Eve, a judge ruled that Fox has the right to, at the very least, distribute The Watchmen. Will they try to stop the release of the movie? Probably not, (though they certainly could). Will they try to change it? Again, no. Will they make some fat cash off of it? Certainly. Should they eat all the dicks? Without a doubt.

Now, Fox, I know that you didn't technically do anything illegal. In terms of the way the American justice system works, you are completely within your rights to do exactly what you did. You owned the movie rights to The Watchmen, and Warner Brothers made the movie anyway. Without having a real firm grasp on the law, I can certainly understand the concept of someone taking somebody else's thing. Like, if I bought bacon with the intention of cooking it, chopping it up and throwing it into one of my famous omelettes, I'd be real pissed if some jerk showed up, took all my bacon and made their own breakfast with it. Even if that jerk was Warner Brothers, and even if their breakfast looked fucking awesome.

But here's the thing: You weren't going to make that movie. You had the movie rights to the most important graphic novel of all time, and you just sat on it for a couple of decades while you focused on making other hit movies, (though I can't for some reason think of a single one). The difference is that, when I buy bacon, I cook it almost immediately. I never just sit on it. (That's the worst thing you can do with bacon.) And if you did want to make it, you should've spoken up when the movie was first announced. "Hey, Warner Brothers, don't make that movie. We own it, and we will make it, we're just very slow." That would've been fine. But you decided to wait. You waited for Warner Brothers to buy some cheese, fry up some eggs, toast some English muffins cook its bacon, (I'm assuming here that Warner Brothers is making a bacon egg and cheese sandwich), and just when Warner Brothers was about to take a bite, you jumped out of the shadows and said "Hey, that's mine!" Which is why I've popped out, from even darker shadows, shouting "Hey, eat all the dicks!"

You know what bothers me the most, you stupid, shitty bastards? You don't want to crush this movie or stop its release. It's not like you're morally opposed to the subject matter, and it's not like you're artistically offended by the vision and interpretation of the source material by Warner Brothers or director Zack Snyder and as a result want to stop the movie from seeing the light of day. It's not like there are a bunch of Fox employees who worked diligently on this movie; they're not being screwed by Warner Brothers' production. And it isn't like you're lashing out because you were going to make the movie and Snyder beat you to it; you had over twenty years and did nothing.

This is about money. You saw the chance to make a ridiculous sum of money, for no reason, and you're going to take it.

This is Rupert Murdoch. He owns Fox and has more money than you'll ever have. Also, look at his weird face.

And, when the law is on your side, it's easy for you to argue that I don't have a leg to stand on and, at the end of the day, you're right. You're a business, and you made what is perhaps the smartest move a business could make. You struck at the last second, thereby forcing Warner Brothers' hand. They'll have to settle with you, and they'll have to pay whatever exorbitant sums you want, or else they can just refuse to distribute the film, which, given the anticipation, will screw Warner Brothers pretty hard.

But I don't give a shit about the law right now, (or, hey, while we're at it, ever). When it comes down to it, Zack Snyder worked hard on this movie. All of the actors and all of the crew members worked hard on it. The producers took a risk by giving Snyder complete creative control and a buttload of money. This is a movie that fans have been praying and begging for for decades. We want this movie and, more importantly, we want it done right. We want it to be visually stunning. We want to see the book's complex themes brought to life. We want to see Dr. Manhattan's glorious, blue genitals majestically flopping on the big screen.

Flop flop flop flop flop.

A lot of people worked hard to make this movie what the fans want it to be and, based on the trailer, the behind the scenes video clips, most of the early reviews, this is as close as anyone will come.

You, Fox, did not do any of the work to get this movie to where it is, but you're still going to make money off of it. And that's a concept that I don't quite understand, and I never will understand it. I can't imagine that Warner Brothers has money tucked away specifically to pay to you, Fox, so I have to assume that whatever money goes to you was originally intended for someone else, someone who probably actually deserves it. You haven't been able to make a decent hit blockbuster, so you're pulling this crap. And that, Fox, you shameless, opportunistic, greedy, jealous, petty shit-parade, brings me back to my original thesis:

Eat all the dicks. Open your bitter, miserable mouth and eat all the dicks. Stop using that mouth of yours to whine, and get started on all these dicks you need to be eating. Keep eating dicks, even at night, even on weekends. Intuition will tell you that you've had enough dicks, but you will be wrong: You will never have eaten enough dicks. You may complain that what you're doing is perfectly legal, but I'd argue that I've never read a law that specifically prohibits force-feeding a lethal amount of dicks down someone's throat, (though, I'll admit, I'm almost positive there is one). You may say "I don't care what you think, DOB," to which I'd respond, "That's some tough talk for someone with an acre of dicks in their mouth."

And even when you meekly protest that they don't measure dicks in acres, I won't be able to hear you.

Because of all the dicks.

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Daniel O'Brien

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