The 4 Craziest Right Wing Fears About Obama
I recently delved into the wretched hive of paranoia and bitterness that is post-election Right Wing forums. Apparently, all that liberal rhetoric about how we're going to rebuild this country still applies, it's just that now they'll be doing it much more literally than initially thought. That's because time and again, the folks in these forums insist that the nation will be burned to the god damned ground before they see Liberal elitists like Obama change a single hair on Americas sexy, but sensibly-styled head.
You keep your liberal boners away from sweet Lady Liberty, pinko!
And while it could be said that stocking up on a small but furious countrys worth of firearms in order to fight a demographic that is largely armed with optimism and a can-do attitude is a bit of an overreaction, some people see every act of this new administration as a sign of the impending apocalypse, no matter how retarded that might seem:
#4.
And He Shall Outlaw All Thine Weapons, and Probably Also Eat Thine Babies
The day after Election day, gun sales immediately spiked to a record high - mostly out of concern that the new administration would outlaw firearms for private citizen's use, and only slightly for fear that Obama himself was going to come to every single NRA members house that night and steal their childrens' life force to feed his all-consuming hunger for innocence. Seriously, according to these forum members, that was a genuine fear:
This assumption - that the new president plans to outlaw guns entirely - is largely based on a statement found on Obamas website reporting that the president-elect doesnt plan on taking away hunters weapons or a homeowners line of defense, but that he does advocate common sense controls. That seems like kind of an innocuous statement to start your own military over, but I guess the Conservative media must have gotten their hands on the alternative version of that release where it was revealed that Obama followed his announcement with a long, uncomfortable silence, before finally busting up laughing, yelling Psych! Im totally gonna outlaw me the shit out of some guns! and then running around the stage high-fiving domestic terrorists while eating the American flag.
But while it may seem like these people are just looking for any excuse to prepare for violence instead of pursuing more peaceful, productive methods of policy change, one commenter would have you know that its not like they think violence is the answer:
Its just that violence is the only way of making the answer possible. So violence is not an answer; if anything, its really more like a question. Probably a question like how you like gettin shot in the legs, queer?
#3.
And He Shall Lead an Army of Eco-Friendly Child Warriorsof Death.
Conservative forum-members would just like you to know that Barack Obama firmly believes the children are our future, and he just wants to teach them well and let them lead the way directly to his herd-culling gas chambers. Yes, in a move directly parallel to Hitlers infamous Nazi Youth Program, Obama wants to pass legislation that would require all children to enroll in his own personal army.
He has cleverly concealed this hideous plot in the form of a program that proposes to give tax breaks to college students in exchange for performing some community service. The Farthest Right are justifiably outraged about this, because clearly, this is exactly like slavery:
Making college kids do work at a soup kitchen on Saturday mornings in exchange for thousands of dollars in financial aid? My god, this is this is just like that one time, remember? When they rounded up all the black people and worked them to death in the fields, giving them absolutely nothing in return?
This is, in every conceivable way, exactly the same thing as that. Except that this time the people that suffer wont be African-Americans, but the polluters and energy wasters.
Its like an episode of Reverse Captain Planet, where eco friendly death squads roam the streets and its all up to a plucky band of wasteful, but good-hearted Young Republicans to learn the power of teamwork and stop them. But some posters don't see this light-hearted, cartoony side, and instead fear the much more ominous possibility that enlisting teenagers to assist the local community could also give Obama unfettered access to his own private army. Its a civilian draft!
So supposing thats true, why exactly is that threatening toanybody? The entire point of a draft is to recruit civilians, teach them how to fight, and send them off to war. If you skip that whole teach them how to fight step, all youve really got is a bunch of dudes that have to hang out where you tell them. Its more akin to having pledges at a frat house than an elite fighting force capable of world domination.
Say hello to your new overlords. What, you haven't heard of them? Psh. Yeah, you wouldn't have.
But even assuming Obama does use this proposed bill to gain access to a top-secret army of left-leaning twenty-somethings - that just begs another question: What are you more afraid of? Their deadly mastery of the Liberal Arts, or their uncanny ability purchase ironic T-shirts?
#2.
And He Shall Go All Gay on Thee and Stuff
This is the face of terror!
If Obamas unstoppable army of late-teen community servants doesnt terrify you, what if I told you that he was actively recruiting serial killers en masse, in an attempt to effectively end the entire human race? Well, you can thank those noble internet watchmen of the Right Wing Forums for the heads up, because they're the only ones willing to bravely report the truth: That Obama is just about to kick-start the apocalypse...by accepting a new non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, and so could theoretically admit homosexuals and transvestites into his cabinet. How long until hell follows with them?
But youre not afraid of a few slap-fighting, interior-decorating, fantastically-coiffed nancy-boys, you say? Well, I guess you werent aware that all homosexuals arent just preening Will and Grace extras - prancing about in cable-knit sweaters and fastidiously dusting their upscale New York lofts no! Its common knowledge that all gays are actually serial killers:
Thats right: All homosexuals are lethal, efficient, unceasing serial killers.
What, you dont believe me? Have you ever tried anal?
Well if you had, you would know all about the murderous blood-frenzy that overtakes you immediately afterwards - turning you into a flaccid, naked berserker - murdering and flaying all about you with your supernatural Gay-Rage Strength. Yknow, this mentality really helps to explain the trepidation that the Farthest Right traditionally have about homosexuality all this time, theyve just been getting gay people confused with the Incredible Hulk.
Holy shitit all makes sense now! Id be against Hulk marriage too, that shits an Abomination!
#1.
And He Shall Transform unto a Panther of Blackand Hell Shall Follow with Him.
Say hello to your new president, the Black Panther, and his Secretary of State, hellfire.
The Black Panthers are politically active African-Americans, and - hell, do you even need to know any more? Isnt that enough to be scared of already? Oh, and according to the Right Wing forums, they also desperately want to kill all the white people.
I guess thats another reason to be wary.
Anyway, the forum members apparently dont see the Panthers as just another crazy fringe group, but rather have astutely noted that the President-Elect has a few worrisome, unavoidable ties to these violent radicals, such as:
- Theyre both black.
- Thats it.
Dont you see?! Its all there in the name: The Black Panthers! All panthers are black, thereforegood lord, all blacks are Panthers! You cant deny that logic!
Wake up, sheeple!
But one brilliant poster has got it all figured out, and unfortunately for humanity, it comes full circle:
It was all tied together, you see the guns, the community service, the civil rights - his plan was so simple: First, he outlaws all the firearms so that God-fearing Americans are helpless, then he drafts a civilian army of homosexuals and children (led by the Black Panthers,) and proceeds to wipe out all the white people as racial vengeance for slavery! Good lord, its a revenge plan two hundred years in the making; so subtle and sinister that it makes Lex Luthor look like a retarded nun by comparison. What can you even do against something that epic, that brilliant, that evil? Isn't there anybody who can fight back?
Well, lucky for you, there is somebody. Somebody that can keep a level head in the face of all this panic and terror. Somebody that can see something this intimidating:
And respond like this:
Yeah, you can worry about finding answers to severe social problems, you liberal pansies - me and this guy have some motherfuckingquestions to practice asking. That is, assuming Obama hasnt already outlawed all of our punctuation.
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but honestly? That's probably time better spent fortifying your barricades, for it's almost dark now and the Liberals - they mostly come at night...mostly.
This IS what's happening, and you can make sarcastic swipes all along the way, but I will provide examples of all these things, except the gay one, I'm not in "legion" with the "rightwingers" who were worried about that. I think that's more than likely some Westboro Baptist Church shit, and they aren't so much right leaning as they are vomit spewing shitbirds. Anyway, if you're interested, for example, Fast and Furious, (the DOJ operation not that f*****g awful movie) you may not have heard about it in your world, but the end goal was to make it appear guns were too easy to buy thus giving them reason to take the rights away. No biggie, only a few border agents were killed as a result while they were protecting that crazy thing we call sovereignty. And that's a simplistic overview but I'm writing this in the comments section, do your own research you lazy sack of shit. Don't go to HuffPo and bring that s**t back, my head will explode with the force of enough nukes to destroy every last bit of this continent. Those motherfuckers probably will have it listed under fiction, because us conservatives are just that f*****g paranoid. And then there is Malik Shabaz, the crazy sob who was threatening voters outside a Philly precinct has been to the WH, twice. No, you're right, a man of that caliber makes a fine bedfellow for a President. Worse yet, Obama associates with Sharpton, who has blood on his hands in a number of cases. Jesus, nobody but the wack-jobs at MSLSD, or a correctional officer, should be doing that, and the latter should be handling the former as well. To think, I'd been happily reading a shitload of your articles. For Christ sake, you wrote about your love of Chargers, you flower-assed f**k nut. If you own a car of any such caliber, you should surrender the keys and be run over by it. You fill my heart with instantaneous rage. There was hint of your liberal aroma in a few articles, but I thought surely, such a crafty, observant mind could not be mired down in the lib-suckhole of lies. It's true though, much to my goddamned horror, and you're eating them up by the spoonful. I suspect you will respond in kind, which will make this a stupid argument. But im all sincerity, you can suck my American sized balls, you commie, tree fucking, asshole. Chums in the water, bitches, throw your verbal judo, if you dare.
ReplyI can't tell if you're being funny, or serious.
@Gadsdengirl1776-You really seem like such a enlightened person yourself. Although it sounds like your idea of "research" is from Glen beck or something, so that makes you very convincing to listen to with anyone with less then half a brain, or a ignorant bias stretching from one side of the world to another whichever it may be. Its a comedy site, get over yourself.
Instead of trying to make nice like everyone else, I'm gonna say it: let's ALL indulge our most ludicrous secret beliefs. Hear me out.
ReplyYes, Tea-Party-ers, Palin fans, and Limbaugh's Legions can believe that Obama is a secret Black Panther Muslim that is just dying to sell our country to his Socialist overlords in Kenya, but liberals can believe that Bush is a cocaine snorting retarded chimp taking orders from greedy businessman who will take all of your money and beat your wives.
Yes, this is more unreasonable.
Yes, this is more fun.
Actually the coke part is true, we have lots of accounts of him being a cokehead in college. And the greedy businessmen, he was never even ashmed of that.
But the part about him being a dummy is wrong. He's the smartest liar to ever be president.
He's not dumb, just ignorant of topics that don't interest him, like Iraq, terrorism, or the economy.
It's times like this that I wish we could just dump the labels. No conservatives, no liberals, no Democrats, no Republicans. Just judge things issue by issue. I bet you half of the conservative outcry over Obama wouldn't have happened if there weren't all of these labels telling people he was the enemy. Not to mention all of the patronizing, "All Repubs are Idiots" "All Libs are Bleeding Hearts" nonsense would be done with. You both have good points sometimes. You also are both idiots sometimes. So let's just agree to put the measuring tape away and zip up our trousers, shall we?
ReplyHee Hee, I heart conservatives. My 87 year old great aunt believes that my crazy liberal beliefs are proof of our failed school system. . . but she readily believes that the United States will soon be taken over by Canada, Europe, and Mexico...because a conservative radio pundit says so.
ReplyI really do wish I could say you were nuts, Brockway. But this, sadly, is a paranoia I have seen in members of my own family, as well as many of my schoolteachers.
ReplyYeah, this is actually a pretty good rundown of what my parents (...rich, white, heterosexual republicans) really believe is happening.
The funniest part is that they are the most dysfunctional people I have ever met and are actually ruining the world just by being the way that they are.
Did I say funny? I meant "this is why I've been in expensive psychotherapy for six years".
Someone tell me those screenshots of idiocy were all trollin...I refuse to believe those are legit.
Replyyou should look up poe's law, it helps delay my loss of faith in humanity
You could do this with any political, spiritual, or ideological movement you don't like. Step one: Find the loopiest people associated with that movement (don't worry, they exist, every group has loony fringes.) Step two: Find the least defensible things these people believe. Be sure to ignore anything they believe that you'd have trouble attacking. Step three: Would responding to these points cogently still require too much effort? No worries. Just attach an unrelated bat-f**king-insane theory to each of your straw opponents beliefs. Does concern about gun control have anything to do with baby eating? Doesn't matter. Your point is that both are equally stupid and people will hopefully be laughing too hard to dissect it. Step Four: Post it on a comedy blog. That way, anyone who takes offense has no right to say anything because its just a joke.
ReplyLol, well it makes sense to do it this way, since those loopy people will go the opposite route, finding the LEAST loopy people associated with a movement and attack the MOST defensible thing they believe, and then be so flabbergasted at being thwarted that their craziness goes into hyperdrive and makes it possible to still SOMEHOW believe all their bat-s**t crazy theories.
I see what you're saying, that yeah it's really easy to take things out of context and use them to make your biased point, especially when you are using a lot of anonymous psychos on the internet.
However, as I stated above, my own parents very actually believe this s**t and voice their opinion about it very loudly. And all the backward ass, disconnected logic used in this article? Yes, they do that.
This made me laugh SO HARD!! XD
ReplyOkay, I'm against gays, but I think you have to be clinically retarded to say there's a correlation between h**osexuals and serial killers.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOr between h**osexuals and... pretty much any other negative thing I can think of.
I don't mean this in a offensive or sarcastic or challenging way, I honestly want to know because I'm interested in your reasoning:
Why are you against h**osexuality? I know a lot of people are against it because of their religion, and I want to know whether that is your reason or if you have a different reason.
Georgia I'd like to know the same thing. I don't get how non-religious people can be against h**osexuality. Religion is usually a pretty good excuse for what would otherwise be termed stupidity. But if you're not being stupid for religious reasons...well, then, what the heck's your excuse?
I'm not exactly against it, in fact I would love to see the day when orientation makes no difference. I do however, think that children without a mother or father would have a more difficult time growing up.
The racist, GOP dumbasses of the U.S. are a minority, though a large minority of about 25%. They've recently given themselves a handy indentifier, "Tea Party". Unfortunately, they are given a voice by the media. Instead of being demonized for mosque protests and Obama monkey shirts, they are treated like amusement park attractions.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesActually we're not the racist,Republicans wrote the 1964 civil rights act and Dr.King was one of us.And the Tea Party has quite a few black & hispanic members. It was Democrats that started the Klan, wrote Jim Crow laws etc. There are a lot more of us than you & the numbers in the 49-50% range(minority my ass),and I don't know what "media" you're watching,but when the media aren't ignoring,they're making up lies & insulting us.We're pissed about government overspending We don't give a s**t that hes' black(hes' also white too). We're just as pissed at the Republicans because of "their" spending.
The political landscape of 1964 was nothing remotely close to today's. Modern progressives are more akin to 60's-era moderate Republicans than they are to the mostly southern "Dixiecrats" back then. You're arguing semantics.
Saying "Republicans are not racist because the republican party wrote the 1964 civil rights act" is about the same logic as black people who say that white people are the devil and need to feel like s**t because their ancestors owned slaves.
So, no.
Also the logic you used there is pretty reflective of the logic used in the ridiculous right-winged paranoia in this article.
I've been reading the comments and I just can't get out of my mind that some people ( @ epaw, goldenfur, and Cracked Member) take this seriously. Its a comedy website. It even SAYS the ideas are crazy in the title.
ReplyI don't understand.
ReplyAmerica's two most prolific serial killers were straight as a board [Ted Bundy and Gary Ridgway.] In fact other than GWJ and Jeffery dahmer I don't think I know of a single gay serial killer... Not even a lesbian one.
Lol. I think these people hear about all those serial killers who raped boys and assume they were gay. They don't realize that their behaviour is about dominance and just being plain crazy. They also fail to realize that even if most killers were gay, it wouldn't mean most gay people are killers. That's like this infuriating anti-porn website that says, "85% of rapes are re-enactments of something seen in a porn video. So every time someone purchases a porn video, there is an 85% chance of that purchase resulting in rape." I mean, seriously? WOW.
It is logical fallacy and circular conclusions that very sadly a number of people use (universally across all situations in their life) and everyone is guilty of doing at one time... probably when they were 10, but you know.
"All h**osexuals are serial killers. This is because all serial killers are h**osexual."
ReplyThe idea here seems to be that a false premise and fallacious logic cancel out to yield a true conclusion.
It is as retarded as my brother telling me one day, "Not all pedophiles are gay, but all gays are pedophiles." He then went on to explain that even though they may not be attracted to little kids and want to have sex with them, they are still pedophiles.
"He then went on to explain that even though they may not be attracted to little kids and want to have sex with them, they are still pedophiles."
Uh, what?! That does not compute.
i heard that blacks are robots that dont follow asimov's law
ReplyYou sir, heard right.
You could argue that ALL humans are robots that don't follow Asimov's laws.
american politics is out of control!!!
Replyi get that these people obviously in no way represent anyone apart from the incredibly insane and so i feel i can say that damn this was funny
ReplyMr. Brockway, not only do I disagree with your liberal hippie views; but this article is just not funny.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLOL, gay
So you think Obama is going to turn the U.S. into a Muslim, socialist, slave camp?
You're a terrorist just for saying that.
I just did a search for "The four craziest left wing fears about Bush", but I didn't come up with anything. Oh ya, I forgot your site is biased, silly me.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIf Cracked had been online in 2001 when the real left-wing conspiracy theories were bubbling, then it would have been an appropriate time for such an article.
In 2006-2008, when his term was mostly over? Not so much.
Well it is comedy. Traditionally i would say that liberals are funnier, therefor there are no conservative comedy writers. Dude... its science
He's perfectly right, cracked is easily more biased than any other comedy website I've seen. Every single one of their articles is about promoting the liberal-elite agenda through their clever photoshops and dick jokes. You sheeple sicken me. And ChristopherB, you're the worst with your textbook use of public knowledge to confuse people who know how to sniff out bias with their nose and their gut.
You want top four craziest left wingers fear of Bush?
4: He's hates the environment and is actively trying to destroy it.
3: He has an IQ in the single digits.
2: He controls the economy and thus caused the entire financial meltdown.
1: Bush is the mastermind behind 9/11.
Let's see. George Bush:
1. Will favor lower taxes for the richest and rely on their legendary generosity to trickle it down
2. Will start a war under false pretense, costing trillions and killing many thousands
3. Will rely on mysticism for political guidance (except for "Thall shall not kill")
4. Will bring al Qaeda to Iraq.
That's the craziest I could dream up. Cra-zy!
thats just what we want you to think we are all secretly communist sympathisers and theres nothing you can do about it... except for you know vote for someone else but...you know
ReplyCommunism without a dictator would be great. Not as good as socialism with no dictator, but way better than capitalism.
It is a good thing this is a comedy site Brockway, othewise this article would be completely pointless. To try to expound upon the obvious holes most of the extremists have in their logic is really a waste of time. Most conservatives don't buy into this garbage. Myself included. As I said, if it weren't for the fact that this is obviously comedy, this whole diatribe would be pointless. Haughtily upbraiding extremists with the intellect of five year olds is really an easy task. I just hope that no-one actually believes that Conservatism operates off of these beliefs. I don't naturally assume all liberals to be radical communist sympathizers. Therefore I can only hope that most liberals afford me the same amount of respect instead of lumping an enormous group together under the umbrella of extremism.
ReplyIs called craziEST beliefs, emphasis on the part were these are to least reliable farthest right right people out there. Not representative of the majority like yourself.
^ This. I'm pleased to see that you're reacting more rationally than quite a number of your conservative peers. Lots of them seem to have failed to grasp that this article was a joke, and are now calling us pinko naysayers...well, pinko naysayers.