I recently delved into the wretched hive of paranoia and bitterness that is post-election Right Wing forums. Apparently, all that liberal rhetoric about how we're going to rebuild this country still applies, it's just that now they'll be doing it much more literally than initially thought. That's because time and again, the folks in these forums insist that the nation will be burned to the god damned ground before they see Liberal elitists like Obama change a single hair on America’s sexy, but sensibly-styled head.
And while it could be said that stocking up on a small but furious country’s worth of firearms in order to fight a demographic that is largely armed with optimism and a can-do attitude is a bit of an overreaction, some people see every act of this new administration as a sign of the impending apocalypse, no matter how retarded that might seem:
#4. And He Shall Outlaw All Thine Weapons, and Probably Also Eat Thine Babies
The day after Election day, gun sales immediately spiked to a record high - mostly out of concern that the new administration would outlaw firearms for private citizen's use, and only slightly for fear that Obama himself was going to come to every single NRA member’s house that night and steal their childrens' life force to feed his all-consuming hunger for innocence. Seriously, according to these forum members, that was a genuine fear:
This assumption - that the new president plans to outlaw guns entirely - is largely based on a statement found on Obama’s website reporting that the “president-elect doesn’t plan on taking away hunters’ weapons or a homeowner’s line of defense,” but that he does advocate “common sense controls.” That seems like kind of an innocuous statement to start your own military over, but I guess the Conservative media must have gotten their hands on the alternative version of that release where it was revealed that Obama followed his announcement with a long, uncomfortable silence, before finally busting up laughing, yelling “Psych! I’m totally gonna outlaw me the shit out of some guns!” and then running around the stage high-fiving domestic terrorists while eating the American flag.
But while it may seem like these people are just looking for any excuse to prepare for violence instead of pursuing more peaceful, productive methods of policy change, one commenter would have you know that it’s not like they think violence is the answer:
It’s just that violence is the only way of making the answer possible. So violence is not an answer; if anything, it’s really more like a question. Probably a question like “how you like gettin’ shot in the legs, queer?”
#3. And He Shall Lead an Army of Eco-Friendly Child Warriors…of Death.
Conservative forum-members would just like you to know that Barack Obama firmly believes the children are our future, and he just wants to teach them well and let them lead the way… directly to his herd-culling gas chambers. Yes, in a move directly parallel to Hitler’s infamous Nazi Youth Program, Obama wants to pass legislation that would require all children to enroll in his own personal army.
He has cleverly concealed this hideous plot in the form of a program that proposes to give tax breaks to college students in exchange for performing some community service. The Farthest Right are justifiably outraged about this, because clearly, this is exactly like slavery:
Making college kids do work at a soup kitchen on Saturday mornings in exchange for thousands of dollars in financial aid? My god, this is – this is just like that one time, remember? When they rounded up all the black people and worked them to death in the fields, giving them absolutely nothing in return?
This is, in every conceivable way, exactly the same thing as that. Except that this time the people that suffer won’t be African-Americans, but the polluters and energy wasters.
It’s like an episode of Reverse Captain Planet, where eco friendly death squads roam the streets and it’s all up to a plucky band of wasteful, but good-hearted Young Republicans to learn the power of teamwork and stop them. But some posters don't see this light-hearted, cartoony side, and instead fear the much more ominous possibility that enlisting teenagers to assist the local community could also give Obama unfettered access to his own private army. It’s a civilian draft!
So supposing that’s true, why exactly is that threatening to…anybody? The entire point of a draft is to recruit civilians, teach them how to fight, and send them off to war. If you skip that whole ‘teach them how to fight’ step, all you’ve really got is a bunch of dudes that have to hang out where you tell them. It’s more akin to having pledges at a frat house than an elite fighting force capable of world domination.
Say hello to your new overlords. What, you haven't heard of them? Psh. Yeah, you wouldn't have.
But even assuming Obama does use this proposed bill to gain access to a top-secret army of left-leaning twenty-somethings - that just begs another question: What are you more afraid of? Their deadly mastery of the Liberal Arts, or their uncanny ability purchase ironic T-shirts?
#2. And He Shall Go All Gay on Thee and Stuff
This is the face of terror!
If Obama’s unstoppable army of late-teen community servants doesn’t terrify you, what if I told you that he was actively recruiting serial killers en masse, in an attempt to effectively end the entire human race? Well, you can thank those noble internet watchmen of the Right Wing Forums for the heads up, because they're the only ones willing to bravely report the truth: That Obama is just about to kick-start the apocalypse...by accepting a new non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, and so could theoretically admit homosexuals and transvestites into his cabinet. How long until hell follows with them?
But you’re not afraid of a few slap-fighting, interior-decorating, fantastically-coiffed nancy-boys, you say? Well, I guess you weren’t aware that all homosexuals aren’t just preening Will and Grace extras - prancing about in cable-knit sweaters and fastidiously dusting their upscale New York lofts – no! It’s common knowledge that all gays are actually serial killers:
That’s right: All homosexuals are lethal, efficient, unceasing serial killers.
What, you don’t believe me? Have you ever tried anal?
Well if you had, you would know all about the murderous blood-frenzy that overtakes you immediately afterwards - turning you into a flaccid, naked berserker - murdering and flaying all about you with your supernatural Gay-Rage Strength. Y’know, this mentality really helps to explain the trepidation that the Farthest Right traditionally have about homosexuality – all this time, they’ve just been getting gay people confused with the Incredible Hulk.
Holy shit…it all makes sense now! I’d be against Hulk marriage too, that shit’s an Abomination!
#1. And He Shall Transform unto a Panther of Black…and Hell Shall Follow with Him.
Say hello to your new president, the Black Panther, and his Secretary of State, hellfire.
The Black Panthers are politically active African-Americans, and - hell, do you even need to know any more? Isn’t that enough to be scared of already? Oh, and according to the Right Wing forums, they also desperately want to kill all the white people.
I guess that’s another reason to be wary.
Anyway, the forum members apparently don’t see the Panthers as just another crazy fringe group, but rather have astutely noted that the President-Elect has a few worrisome, unavoidable ties to these violent radicals, such as:
- They’re both black.
- That’s it.
Don’t you see?! It’s all there in the name: The Black Panthers! All panthers are black, therefore…good lord, all blacks are Panthers! You can’t deny that logic!
Wake up, sheeple!
But one brilliant poster has got it all figured out, and unfortunately for humanity, it comes full circle:
It was all tied together, you see – the guns, the community service, the civil rights - his plan was so simple: First, he outlaws all the firearms so that God-fearing Americans are helpless, then he drafts a civilian army of homosexuals and children (led by the Black Panthers,) and proceeds to wipe out all the white people as racial vengeance for slavery! Good lord, it’s a revenge plan two hundred years in the making; so subtle and sinister that it makes Lex Luthor look like a retarded nun by comparison. What can you even do against something that epic, that brilliant, that evil? Isn't there anybody who can fight back?
Well, lucky for you, there is somebody. Somebody that can keep a level head in the face of all this panic and terror. Somebody that can see something this intimidating:
And respond like this:
Yeah, you can worry about finding answers to severe social problems, you liberal pansies - me and this guy have some motherfuckingquestions to practice asking. That is, assuming Obama hasn’t already outlawed all of our punctuation.
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but honestly? That's probably time better spent fortifying your barricades, for it's almost dark now and the Liberals - they mostly come at night...mostly.