Listen up, Hollywood Producers: your writers are striking, your comic book movies are tanking, and your minds are so disconnected from reality you wouldn’t know a good movie idea if it blogged up and bit you on the ass. So heed my words: MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THIS GUY.
While Spider-Man was busy undergoing intense self-reflection, Batman was failing to let go of any goddamned bad thing that ever happened to him, and Superman was being charmingly aloof, this guy was saving an orphan from dying in the desert. The kicker? He was an illegal immigrant attempting to cross the border!
Jesus Cordova left his homeland and braved the merciless desert in order to earn money to send back to his family, came upon a 9-year-old boy who’d been involved in a car wreck, and rather than fleeing north as he’d planned, John McClaned it, gruffly muttered “I’m getting too old for this” (in Spanish, one assumes) and proceeded to keep the kid company and give him his fucking jacket until Border Patrol arrived to save the boy and deport his ass back to Mexico.
The movie’s basically done: you’ve got your selfless heroism, your innocent victim, and your tragic downfall. All you need to add is the uplifting finale where Cordova strides across the U.S.-Mexico border, each Patrol officer stepping aside in quiet respect.
Also, if this does get made into a movie (preferably starring Javier Bardem and Dakota Fanning), I get royalties. I called it.
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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July 30th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
“the media does a pretty good job of keeping things quiet” now why does that sentence make me laugh…
November 27th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Jesus and the boy (played by Shia LeBeouf and Freddy Highmore respectively, both wearing massive amounts of latex and make-up) end up across the border living a content but meaningless life picking Strawberries in a cruel, dusty Texan town. One day in the field, the young boy comes across a strawberry that transports him to a magical world run by CGI-rendered fruit flies. Having been shunned by the society he was trying to get into on the outside world he now finds himself accepted by the gentle winged creatures, and strikes up a bond with native fruit-fly Robin (voiced by either Sarah Michelle Gellar or Alicia Silverstone, whomever has the least amount of work these days) who by happy coincidence is the daughter of head fruit-fly Gordo (voiced by Alan Rickman). Alas the peace is shattered when an invading army of fire ants (the leader of whom is voiced by Robert De Niro) attacks the strawberry village, leaving the boy (now christened ‘Hector’ by his fruit-fly brethren) to help Gordo and Robin defeat the dreaded fire ants whilest learning various lessons about love, prejudice and acceptance.
The fruit-flies are grateful for Hector’s help, but convince him he must return to his world. Upon returning to the real world Hector confides in Jesus, and uses his newfound knowledge in the last 10 minutes of the film to melt the heart of Mexican-hating mayor Johnny Twotone (played by Clint Eastwood).
The last scene of the movie will include Robin and Gordo staring whistfully out of their strawberry whilest Hector continues his picking duties nearby, “don’t cry Robin, he’s happy now.”
“I know daddy, i know”.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Wow, our readership are basically a board of veteran film writers. We need to somehow harness this power to our benefit.
November 27th, 2007 at 3:17 am
Anne Hathaway is the younger sister of the dead mother who fights tirelessly to allow our hero into the country. There’s a hard-line sheriff up for re-election who opposes them every step of the way (I’m thinking Billy Bob Thornton. Anne and Jesus fall in love; Jesus softens Billy Bob’s heart by telling him his life-long dream of coming to America, and how he too is a widower who promised his dying wife one day he’d make it to the Land of Opportunity so he could plant a strawberry bush in her honour. Anne and Jesus get married with the little boy as his best man. Close out on a weeping but happy Jesus pushing dirt around a newly-planted bush outside his new family home while his adopted son looks on with Aunt Anne.
November 27th, 2007 at 1:33 am
He seems very familiar to me. Oh, I remember he is the man I ever saw on the SugarmommyMeet.com. You know it is a site for rich women to look for hot guys. You can guess what he was doing there?
November 27th, 2007 at 12:16 am
A ha! Now I see. I’m afraid it’s the Dark Ages for me. “I was gonna come up with a site/but then I got high…” C’mon, now; you all know the lyrics.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I thought red meant you were a commie bastard?
November 26th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Or it could mean you’re just a good person who cares about saving the good people of the internet of yet another crap site that’s not about anything not good for anything because you don’t have the imagination to come up with a website from nowhere.
Or at least, that’s my case.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Red means you input a website when you posted, and clicking your name will take you to said website. Black doesn’t mean you’re not a staffer, just that you live int he Dark Ages and don’t have your own website, plebian.
November 26th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
What’s up with the “most everyone but me and a couple of others” showing up in red? Is this some kind of fascist thing, or does the red denote Cracked staff and you guys are so hard up for readership you make up most of your own blog postings talking to each other? And how sad does that make me? Dammit, I want to be a fascist too! I’m tired of being black! Umm…that didn’t quite sound right, did it? (cough, cough) So, what was that about dinosaurs the other day?
November 26th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Then I’m on strike. I’m going to go make my sign now.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
No. By posting here, you relinquish all rights.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I’m thinking Antonio Banderas as the immigrant, Abigail Breslin as the kid, Michael Cera as border patrol (comic relief) and Anne Hathaway as someone’s love interest.
Done.
Do I get casting credits?
November 26th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Well, Gladstone, I’m from Argentina and I feel terribly insulted about the Nazi thing. If you actually knew the facts about my country, you can clearly see that his neighbours would be a Nazi and an Irani Terrorist.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Goddammit Gladstone I told you to stop snooping through my personal notes! Now I’ve got to come up with a whole new pitch for fuck’s sake!
November 26th, 2007 at 10:00 am
What are you saying? This guy’s an illegal immigrant, for fuck’s sake, which probably means he’s a pedophile too. The cops undoubtedly got there just in time. Not all Mexicans are friendly and decent and hardworking like the ones that keep your yard trimmed…at least I’m sure some of them aren’t. What about that one that raped Sean Penn’s girlfriend in “Bad Boys?” Huh? Huh?
November 26th, 2007 at 8:52 am
You’ve done it again Swiam. Another just perfect idea that people will overlook and you won’t make millions off of. Seriously, it’s true. I’d pay money to see that movie. To clarify: I’m not being sarcastic I would pay money to see a movie that is your brain child.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:50 am
Swaim, you ignorant fuck. All you have is the first 25 minutes of a Hollywood movie. After saving the orphan, the alien tries his best to care for her while avoiding border patrol. They have 30 minutes of bonding adventures. Then at the midpoint, border patrol captures him and the girl is sent to an orphanage. Then, using the criminal know how she learned from the alien, the orphan breaks out of the orphanage and helps the alien escape, with the help of some CGI animals, and they live happily ever after in a non extradition country — Argentina. If David Mamet directs, there is one final scene where their Argentinian next door neighbor is a Nazi war criminal who kills them both. But if it’s a Robert Zemeckis flick, it can end happily.