Hollywood Has Reached a New Low (And It Is Awesome)

Friends and lovers, I have amazing news: According to The Hollywood Reporter, Warner Brothers is planning on making an action-adventure movie "based" on Leonardo da Vinci called Leonardo da Vinci and the Soldiers of Forever. As much as I hate to admit it, I did not make up that awesome, totally rad title. That's what the treatment is actually called in real life. As if it wasn't already obvious by the ridiculous title and my douchey use of quotes around the word "based," this movie will not be dealing with the Leonardo da Vinci you've come to have a vague awareness of, it'll be a brand new, ass-kicking da Vinci. They have a treatment and a studio, they're just looking for a writer and I have never wanted to do anything as much as I want to do this. From the article:

"Da Vinci is best known as the painter behind 'Mona Lisa' and 'The Last Supper,' though he also was an inventor, engineer, architect, mathematician among many other occupations. The project re-imagines Da Vinci as a member of a secret society who falls headlong into a supernatural adventure that pits the man against Biblical demons in a story involving secret codes, lost civilizations, hidden fortresses and fallen angels. Think 'National Treasure' and 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' by way of 'Clash of the Titans.'"

"Raiders of the Lost Ark by way of Clash of the Titans"? That doesn't even fucking make sense, and oh my God I love it. I have to write this movie. Please let me write this movie.

It's like you guys are trying to build an equation by adding squared variables and yogurt.

Writing this movie is, without question, my true calling. There are precisely two jobs in this world for which I am actually qualified, and one of them is writing a ridiculous action movie about with whom I have absolutely no familiarity. (The other involves writing and starring in a porno about Spider-Man, but the presidents of porn refuse to take my calls/tasteful nude photographs.)

Why I'm Qualified to Write This Movie:

*I don't like to talk a big game, but I sort of have a knack for successfully over-exaggerating history to the point of ridiculousness, and that sounds like what you're going for with this project. You don't want an authentic representation of da Vinci, otherwise you'd just hire Akiva Goldsmith or something. You want a da Vinci film written by a guy who appreciates history, but appreciates the movie Crank a whole lot more. I am that guy.

*The movie hopes to focus on a new, sexy, tough da Vinci, which is great for me, because I don't know anything about da Vinci's actual life. And it is my promise to Warner Bros. that, should they choose me to pen the screenplay, I will continue to not know anything about Leonardo da Vinci. That is how committed I am to this project.

*I'm the only person in the world who would read a title like Leonardo da Vinci and the Soldiers of Forever and say, "Yeah, I want to be a part of that project."

Seriously, to prove how dedicated I am, I've provided Act Breakdowns and Sample Scenes.

Act Breakdown and Sample ScenesACT I:

We meet Leonardo "Leo" da Vinci, the newest recruit for Italy's Art Police, the police squad that also does art. He excelled in every area of his training and the only thing as sharp as his muay thai skills is his brilliant mind. Part detective, part ninja, part lover, part ghost-hunter, all da Vinci. When Leo's grizzled, too-old-for-this-shit partner, MICHELANGELO, goes missing, it's up to Leo to use his wits, knowledge of the art world and robot sidekick to track down his mentor's captors. Meanwhile, there are demons in town that he needs to fight, too, and there are clues hidden in the least likely of places: the art.

Leo battles his way through angels, demons and Angels and Demons to get to the bottom of the case, but something is rotten in the Art Police and Leo is forced to turn in his badge and go rogue. Now with the help of a sexy new lady friend, Moaning Lisa, Leo is in a race against time. Also, he's in a race against attack wizards, because there are attack wizards now, and they're very fast. Leo investigates on his own, all while dodging both the wizards and the Art Police department that he once called home, as he is now the number one suspect in the kidnapping case. Can Moaning Lisa be trusted, or was she working with the Russian Goblins the whole time? Will Leo find Michelangelo before the bomb blows up? Wasthere even a bomb in the first place? Also, he fights Medusa at some point. (Clash of the Titans tie-in!)

Leo gets to the bottom of the case only to learn that the entire kidnapping was orchestrated by none other than Michelangelo him-fucking-self. It is revealed that, in his research, Michelangelo found an art-related loophole in Catholicism. If he hides enough secret codes in artwork, a spell will be cast on the first full moon of the new year, and a temporary portal between Earth and Heaven will appear. Michelangelo, half tortured artist, half mad scientist, aims to do what no man has done before: Kill God.( I know right??) Michelangelo miscalculated, of course, which is where all the angels and wizards came from, and he can't close the portal because it's too strong, and he can't kill God because he's a pussy. The task falls to Leo to subdue Michelangelo, close the portal and just straight go nuts all over Moaning Lisa's lady parts (like, seriously shred them right up), and he only has five minutes left.

Everyone who has ever enjoyed Cracked, it is your obligation to contact Warner Brothers and demand that I be hired to write this screenplay.