Cracked Columnists

Florida Threatens To Secede, America Goes Back To Sleep

Yes, Florida is actually trying to split into two, with one half (presumably the one with Disney World) remaining a part of our glorious nation and the other (Universal Studios) sinking into the sea where it belongs.

And readers, I implore you: if you live in Florida, SUPPORT THIS MEASURE. Then move to a less shitty state. I hear Wyomings got room.

Lets face facts. Florida is the wang of the United States for a reason: its a magnet for disease, usually smells bad, and at times (Spring Break, Mardis Gras, any other Girls Gone Wild-related calender event) its filled with wriggling white creatures who are just passing through.

Well, I say enough. Florida, don't let Cuba hit you on the ass on your way out.

And believe me, I dont take hate lightly; until now the only things Ive hated are the chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants in Europe, dogs who act like they want it and then are all yip yip yip when its time to get down to business, and Judd Apatow (Grr! I hate him so much! Grr!). So when I say I hate Florida, I say it as someone whos never gone near the hellhole and never will.

But Michael, you ask in your effeminate voices, why so angry?

Shut up, I answer, and then I ride away on my Harley.

But okay, just to humor you.

First off, if the liberal media I subscribe to is to be believed, you fuckers and your goddamned butterfly ballots stuck us with an idiot President and an expensive, highly fatal war in the Middle East, rather than just a boring, inoffensive President who invented the Internet. By my calculations, that means you owe us 500 billion dollars (and counting), the execution of Jeb Bush, and a public apology.

Secondly, they want to teach their ugly, incestuous kids Intelligent Design. Intelligent Design is about as intelligent as the people in Florida, which is to say not very. Until religion can do any of the following things:

  • Make Cheetos, the cheesiest things ever, even cheesier.
  • Implant a phone in my arm.
  • Fulfill me spiritually (a service currently provided by a mix of Internet porn and The Office)
  • Fly me to the motherfucking moon.
  • make my Harley do wicked jumps.
  • Give me any reason at all to feel that I should put any stock in anything it says whatsoever.

    • Then it has no right being taught as science or, for that matter, even being presented to our children. Yes, thats right; I am firmly against children even being exposed to religion at school.

    Middle School is a place to lose all faith in a higher loving power, and taking that experience away from our young people is just plain unfair. If I had to go through it, so should they.

    Religion and school are like milk and gin; you can mix them if you want, but youre just going to end up with a terrible taste in your mouth and a clogged kitchen sink. Alright, maybe that's not exactly what it's like, but I didn't want to use a metaphor that would shoot over the heads of the mongoloid Floridian "readers."

    Bottom line: Get the hell out, God. And if you've got a problem with that little scenario, I'll be waiting. You know where to find me (I presume).

    Lastly, I was never that close to my Grandparents, and old people make me uneasy. What do they know that I dont?

    So do your duty, Americans (while you still are ones) and vote for Floridian secession.

    Its the right thing to do, and if youre stupid enough to follow the advice of a Cracked blogger, you deserve no better.

    Also, please feel free to list more awesome things that religion can't do for you!

    When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes enemies states at a time as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!