Five New Actors to Play Sherlock Holmes
As you may have heard, it was announced recently that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell will star as Sherlock Holmes and Watson in Judd Apatow's zany Sherlock Holmes comedy due out later next year. Even more recently, it was announced that Robert Downey Jr. will be starring in a second, competing Sherlock Holmes set for a 2009 release. Guy Ritchie will be directing this Sherlock Holmes, so it should be fast-paced, gritty and completely unintelligible like most of Ritchie's movies, or totally shitty, like his other ones.
Since Hollywood is a jealous, insecure, impulsive bitch, five additional Sherlock Holmes movies were announced, cast and shot within 24 hours of the announcement of Ritchie's Holmes. Yep. Worrying that Apatow and Ritchie knew something that they didn't, (how could they possibly?) five of the industry's most talented directors slapped together their own Sherlock Holmeses and, because I love you, I went out and watched every single one of these movies and my reviews are included below.
Martin Scorsese's Sherlock Holmes
At least one Rolling Stones song, guaranteed.
Something is rotten in the NYPD, and it's up to convict-turned-cop Tommy Stinson, (DiCaprio) to clear his name before detective-turned-convict Mike Caruso, (Ray Liotta) either blows the case wide open or opens up a lucrative casino, run by corrupt police chief Sgt. Brugnola, (sometimes Nicholson, sometimes DeNiro). Not one of the characters is actually named Sherlock Holmes and it's unclear whether or not Scorsese even wants us to watch this movie.
Spike Lee's Sherlock, Homez!
Denzel Washington stars as Sherlock, (no last name given), in this gritty, racially-charged adaptation (?) of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic novels. Set in 1970's Harlem, Spike Lee spends almost three hours reminding the world that white people and black people are very different. No mysteries are presented or solved.
Guillermo Del Toro's Sherlock Holmes and his Horrifying Gang of Mutants
We think the fish-monster with a pipe for a face is supposed to be Sherlock. Visually stunning, but who knows what the fuck is going on.
Tim Burton's Sherlock Holmes
The only film on the list that is actually set in London, (probably just a coincidence), Burton's Sherlock Holmes follows the eccentric and unconventional detective, (Depp), and his loyal assistant Watson, (Depp), as they try to track down a quirky and eccentric master thief in a funny wig (Depp). Terrifying music by Danny Elfman. Helena Bonham Carter is also probably in it, (Depp).
Surecock Holmes [Adult]
A brilliant detective and his young, enthusiastic assistant Hotson wander around and attempt to solve a delicious mystery the old fashioned way, (delivering pizza and performing the reverse cowgirl on large-breasted, sexually-unfulfilled stay-at-home Moms). The pair of detectives have some questionable methods of investigation, (when their chief suspect refuses to cooperate, they double-team her in a shower and leave, despite the fact that they didn't obtain any new information), but when there's not boning on screen, Surecock Holmes is surprisingly the most faithful adaptation of the source material on this entire list.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. See you next year when Steven Spielberg, Oliver Stone, Ang Lee and McG decide to simultaneously put out shitty adaptations of The Snorks.
A bonus, unrelated-to-this-particular-article Note!
Folks, the rumors you've heard are true: After a couple of really great decades, I'm leaving the East Coast. I hereby resign as the EC's unofficial Mayor and pass all of my mayoral duties on to this guy Joe I know, (you'll like him). So, next week, my brother and I will be driving across country and relocating to Los Angeles. [The official press release regarding the relocation has been reprinted below.] Maybe it's because of the beaches. Or maybe it's because, once I found out Swaim was living there, I figured "Hell, anyone can do it." Or maybe it's just because I heard that California's a little bit cooler about that whole Megan's Law thing. Whatever the reason, I'll officially be one of those smug, LA assholes by this time next week; Sipping martini's, sniffing coketini's, and boning chicktini's like there's no tomorrowtini.
What does this all mean for you, my beautiful, delicious children? It means that I won't be posting my column next week as I will be smack dab in the middle of my cross country trek, and for that I sincerely apologize. I know how you folks crave my warm, comforting jokes and my dangerous obsession with young Hollywood starlets, but even if I do get to California in time, I will undoubtedly be either watching The Dark Knight or seeing if I can buy some of this crack I've heard so much about. (Is it anything like jalapeno poppers? Because I love jalapeno poppers.)
If you find yourself itching, twitching and jonesing for a comedy fix, (like some kind of deranged jalapeno popper addict), I encourage you to check out my ridiculous book, (it's free). Or, check out Gladstone's book, (it isn't). OR, check out these tasteful nude photographs of Chris Bucholz that Annie Leibowitz took. If you haven't already figured out that all of those links take you directly to my book, please click here and I'll clear everything up.
Don't worry, friends. This isn't "Goodbye," it's just "Fuck off, for a little while."
Heh heh... "Elementary... in the butt." Classic!
ReplyHaa poor David, left in the shadows. And I too have noticed the many hints of pedophilia in your articles but this one was probably the most obvious. If ever you go to meet a girl and you're greeted by Chris Hansen, don't even try to run. The cops usually have tasers.. Anyway, keep up the good work.
ReplyThat sounds like it might be an entertaining song from some hit musical.
ReplyOr was it "she-booby"?
I like shididiot better.
Oh yeah, eat shit jmcfarl3. Flame on!
No, you're a shit-dick idiot. No, that's too long, I'm abbreviating it to shididiot.
Replyare there still flame wars? i feel like they're needed, you shit-dick idiots.
ReplyHey, thanks for visiting my site kingmonkey+1.
ReplyThe Snorks!
Reply*high 5s J-Pappi*
He is my god
But the people who serve it to you are so annoying. I usually just pick my Friday's crack up in the frozen section. It's cheaper there, and it's more fun being paranoid at home anyway.
ReplyDOB crack is EXACTLY like jalapeno poppers. TGI Friday's make the best, if you were wondering... crack that is.
Replyplusmeet is failing hard since sexybigbeauty left. Get to together plusmeet, you had such great spam in the past.
ReplyWell, here we go again. Assholes who act like they don't know what the deal is. Oh, NO, we don't know anything about Cyrus related activities (even though it's the fucking WORK OF SATAN)...Oh, NO, we're not worried about DOB eating our fucking sandwitches (our daughters are already beyond saving, he'd probably put their vaginas to sleep with the peace)...Oh, NO, we're not worried about a dead hooker loving motherfucker passing the goddamn bar and maybe practicing in our state...WHAT WE REALLY OUGHT TO WORRY ABOUT IS THIS: (click....click...*snap-flaaame*....sound of water bubbling...more....more...click-PAUSE)...wait...wait...wait...wait...POOOOFFFF!!!!!!
ReplyYeah. As I was saying, Hellboy's script was weak but the rest was cool and I want to fuck Selma Blair. Good Night.
DOB I have an X on my door and I still havent had you come eat my sand witches. I have no daugherts for you to take but damn it I have the best sand witches in town.
Reply...
Oh wait you wanted a sandwich, not a sand witch. N/m then.
Well, DOB, it looks like it is time to sharpen up the old machete
ReplyIf you make a movie, die, lose control and fall into a living hell of a downward spiral involving cocaine and/or heroine, or become a superhero, then dibs on the Foreword of a book in your name.
ReplySigh.
ReplyAnother Cyrus, another violent and baseless feud that I need to create, organize and maintain. Every time I try to get out, they keep pullin' me back in.
@Shana- Nope! Captain America is the mythical, rarely seen David.
Res_Ipsa has a point. However out of all the Cyruses (I didnt spell that right) Trace is the one I would welcome into my home first. Not that I would open my home at all to him, but if I had to pick one, it would be him. He has tats.
ReplyApparently the Disney Channel is responsible for producing music that's even more awful than the usual crap churned out by the music industry. Maybe we should be focusing our hate on them.
ReplyGoddammit, Tommy; why didn't you warn me not to click on that? Now I've got that shitty song stuck in my head and it's making me want to slit my wrists! Oh, no; that sounded emo, didn't it? This is worse than I thought. Can you imagine how fucked up it would be to be stuck in a crowd of tweeners at a Six Flags watching those douches live? I'd probably welcome a suicide-bomber.
ReplyI'm gonna go see Hellboy this afternoon; I'll fill y'all in this evening after I throw another log on the fire.
Now that I think about it, no, you won't be driving, you will exchanging insurance information after the wreck. So, no, not that much driving will be involved at all , while y'all are waiting for the tow truck, talking about your respective youth church groups,
ReplyRIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why.....no..... Dan.......I don't know what you mean, he says while cracking his massive knuckles menacingly and positioning his size 20 Army ring, Whatever could you mean? Hmmmm?
Reply