As you may have heard, it was announced recently that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell will star as Sherlock Holmes and Watson in Judd Apatow’s zany Sherlock Holmes comedy due out later next year. Even more recently, it was announced that Robert Downey Jr. will be starring in a second, competing Sherlock Holmes set for a 2009 release. Guy Ritchie will be directing this Sherlock Holmes, so it should be fast-paced, gritty and completely unintelligible like most of Ritchie’s movies, or totally shitty, like his other ones.
Since Hollywood is a jealous, insecure, impulsive bitch, five additional Sherlock Holmes movies were announced, cast and shot within 24 hours of the announcement of Ritchie’s Holmes. Yep. Worrying that Apatow and Ritchie knew something that they didn’t, (how could they possibly?) five of the industry’s most talented directors slapped together their own Sherlock Holmeses and, because I love you, I went out and watched every single one of these movies and my reviews are included below.
Martin Scorsese’s Sherlock Holmes
At least one Rolling Stones song, guaranteed.
Something is rotten in the NYPD, and it’s up to convict-turned-cop Tommy Stinson, (DiCaprio) to clear his name before detective-turned-convict Mike Caruso, (Ray Liotta) either blows the case wide open or opens up a lucrative casino, run by corrupt police chief Sgt. Brugnola, (sometimes Nicholson, sometimes DeNiro). Not one of the characters is actually named Sherlock Holmes and it’s unclear whether or not Scorsese even wants us to watch this movie.
Spike Lee’s Sherlock, Homez!
Denzel Washington stars as Sherlock, (no last name given), in this gritty, racially-charged adaptation (?) of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic novels. Set in 1970’s Harlem, Spike Lee spends almost three hours reminding the world that white people and black people are very different. No mysteries are presented or solved.
Guillermo Del Toro’s Sherlock Holmes and his Horrifying Gang of Mutants
We think the fish-monster with a pipe for a face is supposed to be Sherlock. Visually stunning, but who knows what the fuck is going on.
Tim Burton’s Sherlock Holmes
The only film on the list that is actually set in London, (probably just a coincidence), Burton’s Sherlock Holmes follows the eccentric and unconventional detective, (Depp), and his loyal assistant Watson, (Depp), as they try to track down a quirky and eccentric master thief in a funny wig (Depp). Terrifying music by Danny Elfman. Helena Bonham Carter is also probably in it, (Depp).
Surecock Holmes [Adult]
A brilliant detective and his young, enthusiastic assistant Hotson wander around and attempt to solve a delicious mystery the old fashioned way, (delivering pizza and performing the reverse cowgirl on large-breasted, sexually-unfulfilled stay-at-home Moms). The pair of detectives have some questionable methods of investigation, (when their chief suspect refuses to cooperate, they double-team her in a shower and leave, despite the fact that they didn’t obtain any new information), but when there’s not boning on screen, Surecock Holmes is surprisingly the most faithful adaptation of the source material on this entire list.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. See you next year when Steven Spielberg, Oliver Stone, Ang Lee and McG decide to simultaneously put out shitty adaptations of The Snorks.
A bonus, unrelated-to-this-particular-article Note!
Folks, the rumors you’ve heard are true: After a couple of really great decades, I’m leaving the East Coast. I hereby resign as the EC’s unofficial Mayor and pass all of my mayoral duties on to this guy Joe I know, (you’ll like him). So, next week, my brother and I will be driving across country and relocating to Los Angeles. [The official press release regarding the relocation has been reprinted below.] Maybe it’s because of the beaches. Or maybe it’s because, once I found out Swaim was living there, I figured “Hell, anyone can do it.” Or maybe it’s just because I heard that California’s a little bit cooler about that whole Megan’s Law thing. Whatever the reason, I’ll officially be one of those smug, LA assholes by this time next week; Sipping martini’s, sniffing coketini’s, and boning chicktini’s like there’s no tomorrowtini.
What does this all mean for you, my beautiful, delicious children? It means that I won’t be posting my column next week as I will be smack dab in the middle of my cross country trek, and for that I sincerely apologize. I know how you folks crave my warm, comforting jokes and my dangerous obsession with young Hollywood starlets, but even if I do get to California in time, I will undoubtedly be either watching The Dark Knight or seeing if I can buy some of this crack I’ve heard so much about. (Is it anything like jalapeno poppers? Because I love jalapeno poppers.)
If you find yourself itching, twitching and jonesing for a comedy fix, (like some kind of deranged jalapeno popper addict), I encourage you to check out my ridiculous book, (it’s free). Or, check out Gladstone’s book, (it isn’t). OR, check out these tasteful nude photographs of Chris Bucholz that Annie Leibowitz took. If you haven’t already figured out that all of those links take you directly to my book, please click here and I’ll clear everything up.
Don’t worry, friends. This isn’t “Goodbye,” it’s just “Fuck off, for a little while.”
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
September 21st, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Heh heh… “Elementary… in the butt.” Classic!
July 20th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Haa poor David, left in the shadows. And I too have noticed the many hints of pedophilia in your articles but this one was probably the most obvious. If ever you go to meet a girl and you’re greeted by Chris Hansen, don’t even try to run. The cops usually have tasers.. Anyway, keep up the good work.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:53 am
That sounds like it might be an entertaining song from some hit musical.
Or was it “she-booby”?
I like shididiot better.
Oh yeah, eat shit jmcfarl3. Flame on!
July 15th, 2008 at 6:55 am
No, you’re a shit-dick idiot. No, that’s too long, I’m abbreviating it to shididiot.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
are there still flame wars? i feel like they’re needed, you shit-dick idiots.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Hey, thanks for visiting my site kingmonkey+1.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:04 am
The Snorks!
*high 5s J-Pappi*
He is my god
July 14th, 2008 at 7:39 am
I saw many hot video at a crack who’ dating site called getoffmysidewalkillkillyoumothafucka.com. You can even check out more sexy and mugshot photos, videos and blogs
July 14th, 2008 at 5:09 am
I saw many hot video at a black bbw dating site called interracial romancing.com. You can even check out more sexy and beautiful photos, videos and blogs
July 13th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
But the people who serve it to you are so annoying. I usually just pick my Friday’s crack up in the frozen section. It’s cheaper there, and it’s more fun being paranoid at home anyway.
July 13th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
DOB crack is EXACTLY like jalapeno poppers. TGI Friday’s make the best, if you were wondering… crack that is.
July 13th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
plusmeet is failing hard since sexybigbeauty left. Get to together plusmeet, you had such great spam in the past.
July 13th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Nice post! BTW, I also saw personal blogs and hot sexy photos&videos
@ ___P l u s M e e t .c o m___, where sexy busty hotties, big booty beauties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!
July 13th, 2008 at 2:29 am
Trust me–there are a lot worse things than necroprostitutephiles passing the bar. For example, every lawyer in the Bush Administration. Or pro-Cyrus mutant mice with ray guns. Think about it.
(Or don’t. I’m not.)
July 13th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Well, here we go again. Assholes who act like they don’t know what the deal is. Oh, NO, we don’t know anything about Cyrus related activities (even though it’s the fucking WORK OF SATAN)…Oh, NO, we’re not worried about DOB eating our fucking sandwitches (our daughters are already beyond saving, he’d probably put their vaginas to sleep with the peace)…Oh, NO, we’re not worried about a dead hooker loving motherfucker passing the goddamn bar and maybe practicing in our state…WHAT WE REALLY OUGHT TO WORRY ABOUT IS THIS: (click….click…*snap-flaaame*….sound of water bubbling…more….more…click-PAUSE)…wait…wait…wait…wait…POOOOFFFF!!!!!!
Yeah. As I was saying, Hellboy’s script was weak but the rest was cool and I want to fuck Selma Blair. Good Night.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Cyrii? Cyra? I don’t even know what language that is–or maybe, just maybe, it’s the language of the devil. Ya know–Satan?
DOB–have you ever considered just feuding with the Cyruses/Cyrii/Cyra as a whole?! It would probably save you some time (to use for showing off your abs, of course,) and maybe, just maybe, a little Hollywood magic? (Okay, I know that doesn’t make sense. Bite me.)
MetallicNogginCutting–there’s a difference between the two? Shiiiiiiiit.
. . . Time to get back to studying for the Bar. (Yes, I realize it’s Sat. night. I’ll kill you, I swear. Two weeks from now, the state of MN will be in flames because I’ll be celebrating the end of studying so screw you!) Anyone need to hire a criminal defense lawyer? DOB–I’m looking at you. Or at least recommend me to Swaim–I think I can make a Swaimky (swanky) argument that the bestiality laws are unconstitutional as an infringement on the right to privacy. Hey, if we can make McFetus burgers ’til the aborted cows come home, why can’t we love our pets, in the sexual sense? (Note: that last part was all facetious. Bestiality is gross.)
DOB–why don’t youmake a movie about Sherlock Holmes? I’d totally pay to see it, even when the DVD that will be released will cost only $5 more than the actual movie ticket.
July 12th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
DOB I have an X on my door and I still havent had you come eat my sand witches. I have no daugherts for you to take but damn it I have the best sand witches in town.
…
Oh wait you wanted a sandwich, not a sand witch. N/m then.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Well, DOB, it looks like it is time to sharpen up the old machete
July 12th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
If you make a movie, die, lose control and fall into a living hell of a downward spiral involving cocaine and/or heroine, or become a superhero, then dibs on the Foreword of a book in your name.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Sigh.
Another Cyrus, another violent and baseless feud that I need to create, organize and maintain. Every time I try to get out, they keep pullin’ me back in.
@Shana- Nope! Captain America is the mythical, rarely seen David.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Res_Ipsa has a point. However out of all the Cyruses (I didnt spell that right) Trace is the one I would welcome into my home first. Not that I would open my home at all to him, but if I had to pick one, it would be him. He has tats.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Apparently the Disney Channel is responsible for producing music that’s even more awful than the usual crap churned out by the music industry. Maybe we should be focusing our hate on them.
July 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Goddammit, Tommy; why didn’t you warn me not to click on that? Now I’ve got that shitty song stuck in my head and it’s making me want to slit my wrists! Oh, no; that sounded emo, didn’t it? This is worse than I thought. Can you imagine how fucked up it would be to be stuck in a crowd of tweeners at a Six Flags watching those douches live? I’d probably welcome a suicide-bomber.
I’m gonna go see Hellboy this afternoon; I’ll fill y’all in this evening after I throw another log on the fire.
July 12th, 2008 at 8:02 am
here’s somethin’
http://www.fakebuddy.com
July 12th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I come bearing horrible news! That bitch who play’s Hannah Montanah’s brother has gotten into music too, doing vocals for a horrible synthpop band where everyone has dumb emo fringes! Seeing as they are based in Hollywood and you are heading over to the east coast I strongly suggest you annihilate them in a gruesome manner with a side order of terminating.
Here’s the link to their shitty myspace band (warning: don’t click on the link! It’s totally SFW, you jsut shouldn’t click on it).
http://www.myspace.com/metrostation
July 12th, 2008 at 12:20 am
Now that I think about it, no, you won’t be driving, you will exchanging insurance information after the wreck. So, no, not that much driving will be involved at all , while y’all are waiting for the tow truck, talking about your respective youth church groups,
RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Why…..no….. Dan…….I don’t know what you mean, he says while cracking his massive knuckles menacingly and positioning his size 20 Army ring, Whatever could you mean? Hmmmm?
July 11th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Hey Panzer-stier… Don’t hassle the Hoff!
July 11th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
This blog hinted at more pedophilia than most DOB blogs, I must admit.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Oh Dan, Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don’t think I will understand.
Do ya see! you momentary hiatus is making me remember Billy Ray. Don’t leave me to this.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
I’ve got the horrible suspicion that the blonde daughter of Glendoor’s is also the blonde daughter of Arnold Swartznegger in Last Action Hero.
Damn Dan, you’ve annihaliated 3 of my favourite directors in one blog! Next thing you know you’ll be over in L.A. being all cool and whatnot, doing whatever those cool kids do, surf and listen to the Beach Boys the last time I looked. Sticking it to ‘the Man’ whoever he is, with their feathered hair and their ‘David Hasselhoffs’ and whatever such shenanigans. It makes me sick.
Just sick Dan, just goddamn sick. And I’ll be left to hate Miley Cyrus on my own, and she’ll have won. She’ll personally savage us all, because you’ve left us and she knows it.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I love you DOB!
July 11th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Sell-out!
July 11th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Hey-O! (rim shot)
July 11th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Thanks for the warning, Glendoor, but if you’re daughter gets in my car, I doubt there’ll be very much driving involved, if you know what I mean.
Please don’t hurt me, Sergeant.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Another one you forgot was M. Night Shyamalan’s version in which Watson and Holmes decode ridiculous clues that all lead to the inevitable ironic twist that it was actually Sherlock himself committing all of the crimes they are investigating.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I did not want any of you “funny” super sophisticated blog writers to know this but my youngest daughter( the blond one, that wecks all my cars ) is in California now working for the summer at a national park.
Dan you’re funny and I’ll miss your articles and all that shit, but if you come within two hundred miles of my daughter…………. you’re taking your life in your own hands because she is liable to wreck your car.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Don’t forget the turncoat female detective that’s been in Dick Tracy lately: Shirl Locke Holmes. She’s lucky her father wasn’t a John Norman fan.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Did you know California has rabies?
July 11th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Is Captin America suposed to be Tom? Anyway best of luck. Have fun er.. “porking” (I love you’re sophisticaded vocabulary). It’s a shame you’re not teaching at Collier. I look forward to future articles. Say hi to Tom for me if you can.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I want Eli Roth to direct a Sherlock Holmes remake.
Naked women, gore, blood on everything….I’m pretty sure it was the 19th century London Sir Doyle was imagining
July 11th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Hannah Montana!!……Holy crap I forgot about the vengence he would reek upon her. I was worried about him drinking all that estrogen filled water and becoming….well less of a man.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I didnt know that you would be alowed to live in the same state as hannah montana…
and why would you want to live in the same state as scientology?
July 11th, 2008 at 11:20 am
NOOO! A Friday without DOB is the worst kind of day, with the exception of Wednesday
July 11th, 2008 at 10:40 am
speaking of megans law, I have a bevvy of underage mexican cousins you might want to look up when you get there. you never know when you will need underage mexican girls in california… but who will erase the bukakke from their minds….or dirty little mexican stomachs…
July 11th, 2008 at 10:12 am
you’re not moving out there just to overthrow the street-performing spiderman are you? p.s watch out for andy dick
July 11th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Next week will sorely miss your contribution. Enjoy cali, I know I would.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Good luck to you and Cap!
Just make sure that after you see The Dark Knight, you write a hilarious post about how awesome it was (pants-shittingly).
July 11th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Congrats DOB, no one deserves to write comedy full time more than you.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I never relized that Pork Country was in California.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I can’t wait for Surecock Holmes to hit my local theaters…I’m gonna Pee Wee Herman it up like there’s no tomorrowtini.
DOB–it sucks that you’re moving to LA, since I had plans on swinging by Jersey sometime in the next few months to challenge you to a bass playing competition. I’m not sure my shitty car can handle the drive out Californee-way…balls. Maybe I’ll just head up to Maine and challenge Gladstone to a “being old” competition. He’ll probably win though.