5The CIA Discovers Acid, Experiments Like A (Evil) Teenager
CIA launched an extensive, decades long research program focused on LSD. The chief goal? Fucking mind control. No really, here's an actual line taken from an interdepartmental memo revealed to Congress:
"Can we get control of an individual to the point where he will do our bidding against his will and even against fundamental laws of nature, such as self preservation?"
Rough translation: "Can we get someone so high that they'll kill themselves if we ask nicely enough?"
Christ! That statement is so ominous it had to be written with one hand while the other ominously stroked a white cat. This program, named Project MK-ULTRA, (which sounds more like something Godzilla would fight than a top-secret government initiative) was an umbrella program, meaning it encompassed a number of sub-projects, most of them seemingly conceived by a Hollywood screenwriter. One experiment involved trying to drug CIA agents with enough LSD to completely wipe their memories upon retirement, thus erasing all traces of potentially classified knowledge--hey, just like Men in Black! Just slightly less "jiggy" and a tad more "suicidally delirious."
"Ha ha! Cha cha! Na na! Givin' you psychoses, Big Willy style!"
4CIA Field Agents Drug Each Other for Fun
Secretly dosing each other with LSD. At one point the practice was so prevalent that the CIA even hired stage magicians to train agents in sleight of hand techniques for use in their mickey-slipping.
"Okay, Frank. Are you absolutely, completely, 100 percent positive you didn't dose my coffee this morning? 'Cause I'm pretty sure just I took an offramp into the Metaverse here. I'm just sayin'..."So at one point, there was a Master Magician in charge of drugging employed to the CIA. Sure, it's a little terrifying to consider that the severe young government operative holding a gun to your head probably thinks you have a cow-face, and is detaining you for trying to disentangle his soul with your negative energy. But you have to admit - "CIA Drug Magician" is a pretty sweet job title.