Cracked Columnists

Fashion Friday: Which Hilarious Pro-Rape T-Shirt Is Right For Me?

If you're one of the biggest douchebags in the entire world, you've probably thought to yourself at some point, "I love t-shirts with words on them, but where can I find one to express my vehemently pro-rape sentiments in a humorous way?" Wonder no more, my friend; there's this new thing called the internet, and you can buy all kinds of stuff on it. Even t-shirts that cater directly to you and your penny-draft swillin', beer-pong playin', fag-beatin' retard friends!

There's no shortage of funny pro-rape t-shirts out there on the web. In fact, there's too many! How can you tell which pro-rape t-shirt is the right one for you? With this handy Friday fashion guide courtesy of CRACKED.com, that's how.

does_this_shirt_125px.jpgSlogan:Does This Shirt Make Me Look Like A Rapist?Message To The World: I am insecure in my appearance and need to seek approval from the outside world. I also might be a rapist.

What It Says About You: You are new to the rape scene. While you want to let people know that you're ready to get into the game, you're still not sure-footed enough to really effectively do so. Maybe it's best to stay on the sidelines for a little while - is there a Big Ten university nearby? If so, bring a notebook to any bar near campus and watch closely. Don't wear this shirt, though - try something with vertical stripes for now.

Douche Factor (1-5): 2

Slogan:Anti-Abortion But Pro-RapeMessage To The World: I think that life begins at conception, and that each of those precious gifts from God is sacred and has the right to live. I also think that rape should be legal - that way I can rape lots of women and not go to jail.

What It Says About You: You are a complex individual. While your pro-life sentiments make you a great fit for abortion clinic protests and GOP rallies, your views on Rapist Rights will make it difficult for you to make friends there, let alone find women to rape. Have you ever heard of Meetup.com? They've probably got something for you.

Douche Factor (1-5): 3

Slogan:Serial Rapist Message To The World: I have raped multiple women. Tee hee!

What It Says About You: You are legally required by the state to wear a shirt indicating that you are, in fact, a serial rapist, but you're not gonna do it without a little pizzazz! And why not? Just because it's a court order doesn't mean you can't have fun with it! Did anyone say anything about NOT adding a smiley face? No? Then fuck you, court! Obvious next step: tie-dye that sucker. That'll show 'em.

Douche Factor (1-5): 4

Slogan: Rape: My Favorite HobbyMessage To The World: I am a rapist, but it's just something I do in my spare time... something that also happens to be my FAVORITE THING TO DO.

What It Says About You: You approach rape with a playful demeanor, pooling it in with such pastimes as stamp collecting and building ships in bottles. Although the slogan can be taken with a hint of irony, there is also a serious undertone that many women may find off-putting. Frost the tips of your spiky hair to appear less menacing.

Douche Factor (1-5): 4

Slogan:No Means YesMessage To The World: I love raping women, but I hate tasteful typography.

What It Says About You: You are too focused on rape to pick out attractive articles of hilarious pro-rape attire. If you wear this shirt out to a bar or something, you're going to look like a real ass. Seriously. There's no way you'll ever convince a woman to have consensual sex with you in a shirt like that. Oh, wait... yeah - buy this shirt.

Douche Factor (1-5): 5