Wile E. Coyote's Horrifying Secret: A Fan Theory

Ah, Wile E. Coyote. How many hours has he spent blowing himself up in an attempt to catch the Road Runner? What if we were to tell you the answer is none? Not a damn one. Wile E. Coyote may not even be aware there is a Road Runner in that desert, in fact. As Bugs Bunny can attest, Wile E. Coyote is a special, genius coyote. He talks, carries business cards, and runs a company.

Warner Bros.
Rumor has it Stephen Hawking carries these around too.

So why is it we never hear him speak a word while careening around the desert on roller skates while strapped to a rocket? Because we've never seen him in the desert at all. We are actually watching his army of slightly dunderheaded clones test out ACME products before they go to market.

#5. Wile E. Coyote Is Exceptionally Verbose. His Clones? Not So Much

Warner Bros.

Wile E. Coyote, the card-carrying genius, talks in multiple episodes, almost all of which feature Bugs Bunny. He does more than talk; he expounds upon his genius. His vocabulary and general manner of speech prove him to be one of the most educated characters in the Looney Tunes universe, possibly even more so than Elmer Fudd, Ph.D. Given that we never hear him make so much as a squeak or yelp in any of the Road Runner cartoons, we can assume that there's more to the story than what we're seeing on the screen.

In the above video, it's obvious Wile E. couldn't keep his mouth shut if Shaquille O'Neal was trying to fist his throat. Clearly, if it were everyone's favorite Coyote ordering a gross of catapults in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, he could have talked the Road Runner to death by now. But this desert Coyote wouldn't say shit with a mouth full of it. In fact, it seems like he can't speak and has to resort to placards and desperately sad looks to express himself. So who, exactly, is it that has an ACME charge card and an Amazon Prime account in the middle of Arizona? Coyote clones.

According to the Merrie Melodies universe, there are hundreds of them in existence, and they all appear together in the episode "Ready, Set, Zoom!" There we see a Coyote attempting to catch the Road Runner by putting on a female Road Runner costume, but once he is dressed, hundreds of identical Coyotes pop up from behind various desert rocks, lick their lips, and run after him, because if there is one constant in the Looney Tunes universe it's that cross-dressing leads to uncontrolled boners and/or hunger.

Road Runner must have one of those take-a-number machines like at the deli.

Clearly there are a multitude of Coyote clones in this desert that we could be watching chase the Road Runner, not just Wile E. Coyote.

In "Guided Muscle," the Coyote walks off-camera and returns with a sign that says: "Wanted: One gullible Coyote. Apply to manager of this theater":

Warner Bros.

Obviously, there are other clones out there who would be looking to fill his position. Also, in "There They Go-Go-Go!" the Coyote clone is shown being buried under a pile of rocks while we hear "Taps" being played, indicating that this particular coyote has died and we should mourn his passing with a respectful chuckle before the next one blows up. This would be impossible if it were the same coyote every single time. In "Hook, Line, And Stinker," the clone Coyote is shown playing "Taps" on piano keys that have become hilariously lodged in his mouth, again indicating that this particular Coyote believes his death is imminent. The ability to understand their own mortality adds to the comedy for kids, probably.

And that's the key here. Every time you see a Coyote die in a Road Runner cartoon, he's actually dying and being replaced by a new clone, picking up where the old one left off.

#4. The Coyote Clones Are Constantly Surprised By The Road Runner

Warner Bros.

"Balderdash," you say, setting down your gold pan and 1800s prospector hat. Constant near-death experiences are just part of being a Looney Tune. It's implied right in the "Looney" part. This proves nothing! If it really is a new Coyote every time, you'd think they would show some other signs, like being surprised by how fast the Road Runner is in almost every single episode.

Yeah, about that ...

In pretty much every single episode, the Coyote is shocked by the Road Runner's speed, sometimes so shocked that his jaw drops to the ground, or his eyeballs fall out, or his balls swell like cantaloupes (it's a rare episode but worth a watch). You'd think that after a couple of attempts to get the Road Runner to smack into a fake tunnel painted on the side of a rock wall, Wile E. would stop being surprised by how fast that bird can move. But because it's a different clone every time, it makes total sense that this would be new information in every episode.

Warner Bros.
And it's not like anything in his name would give you a clue or anything.

In addition to the shock and awe constantly displayed by the Coyote, we also see a significant number of Road Runner traps that are repeated more than once. You would think that after the first time he tries to stick the Road Runner to the pavement in "Going, Going, Gosh!" he would realize that isn't going to work, but he does it again in "Ready, Set, Zoom!" He tries to ride a rocket at least three times throughout the run of the show and fails spectacularly every time, but it never seems to deter him from trying it again.

Our Coyotes also create at least three fake tunnels, even though you'd think that after that first time a truck drives through the tunnel and hits him at about 75 mph he would take that one off the list. Since Wile E. Coyote is a self-declared genius, he obviously wouldn't be dumb enough to waste his time trying the same thing over and over again, leaving us no other explanation than a band of subgenius coyote clones with an unending supply of cardboard signs and permanent markers.

Warner Bros.
And no government watchlist of any kind, apparently.

#3. Why Does Wile E. Coyote Need Clones? For Product Testing

Warner Bros.

Wile E. Coyote is clearly a man of means. He has the money for all of the collapsible doors and explosives (and presumably for burgers and such after failing to eat Bugs Bunny), but where does that money come from? The answer has been staring us in the face for years: He's financed by the business he owns, the business that requires him to prove his genius through feats of engineering previously unknown to Coyotes or even the maddest of cartoon scientists and/or Stooges. Wile E. Coyote is the owner of ACME.

Don't believe it? Well deal with it, because A Coyote Made Everything. And just like every other manufacturing company, ACME's products need to go through rigorous, even preposterous, rounds of R&D before they can hit the mass market. And that means they need to put every catapult, giant mouse trap, anvil, and pair of jet-propelled roller skates through their paces before they get a stamp of approval. And where better to do that than in an all but abandoned desert landscape where no one ever gets hurt but a bunch of expendable Coyotes?

Warner Bros.
To say nothing of their short-lived line of sex toys ...

Since so much military testing is already done in the desert, Wile E. Coyote would consider this a perfect location to try out all of these gadgets and gizmos before they're officially put up for sale. But he doesn't have time to design and build all of these things and test them out as well, so what is a Coyote to do? Clone himself, obviously. He needs to know exactly how every piece of inventory in his warehouse will function out in the field, but he doesn't want anyone else to be able to steal his inventions and profit from them, so making trustworthy and dimwitted clones in his lab is the only reasonable option. It also saves him the trouble of explaining to the authorities why there are so many Coyote corpses attached to/buried underneath/launched from ACME items littered about the desert. Given how much damage a Looney Tune can take it is perfectly reasonable to think that when the sheriff, who's probably Daffy Duck with a badge, wanders by and sees the carnage he won't blink an eye, because he has seen it a thousand times before, only to find a Coyote alive and well and wearing a ridiculous Batman costume the very next day.

Warner Bros.
Or Batman and Riddler's love child, either way.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Rachael Brennan

  • Rss

More by Rachael Brennan:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!