Students at MIT have devised a way to identify people who are gay by analyzing their Facebook profiles. The method works by examining who a person is friends with, and drawing conclusions based on the characteristics of those friends. Based on the principle that birds of a feather flock together, the technique assumes that if a person is friends with a high percentage of people who are themselves identified as gay, that person is guaranteed to be super-gay.
The linked article goes off into a discussion of online privacy in the face of ever improving technology and changing social norms, but once it started using complicated words like “homophily” and “principle” I kind of lost interest. Anyone trying to make a point without first breaking it down into a list of the 10 Most Hilarious Episodes of The Gummi Bears isn’t going to get a lot of traction with me.
No, instead of caring about the actually-interesting privacy issues, my first though upon reading this was one of concern. You see, I haven’t been particularly discriminatory when adding friends on Facebook. As a ruggedly handsome Internet humor-smith, a significant number of people have realized their lives would be meaningless without adding me as a friend. And, perhaps due to childhood memories of loneliness and having to ride the teeter-toter with the school janitor, I haven’t rejected a single friend yet. As a consequence, my Friends list is now inflated with a significant percentage of people I’ve never met at all.
So my worry, given the probable-depraved nature of anyone who would find me amusing, is what would someone running a similar algorithm on me find? Based on the company I supposedly keep, would a researcher conclude that I’m a fan of mustache-rodeos? I had to find out.
So, using the computer knowledge that all white guys with glasses possess, I fired up my laptop, and during a techno laden montage of progress bars and really fast typing, hacked in to an MIT mainframe and stole a copy of the code used by the researchers. After reviewing it, I saw numerous opportunities to expand upon the student’s work, and over the next four minutes made several improvements to the original algorithm. Most notably, I implemented several heuristic generalizations into the code and gave it the ability to pivot on all possible classification criteria, not just homosexuality. Once activated the software would comb my list of friends, their lists of friends and so on, computing a list of attributes that all my accidental acquaintances possessed. If I had a significant number of friends with a given attribute, the algorithm’s output would then indicate that I myself share the same attribute.
It was clear that activating such a wide-ranging piece of software would potentially be a violation of Facebook’s terms and conditions, set me up for felony charges and usher in a dystopic world where privacy was nonexistent, and government boots were constantly pressed to our necks. So I had a nice stiff drink first. The program’s output and my accompanying notes are recorded below.
__
YOU ARE: Straight
Whew. I can’t say I’m that surprised, but I guess Dad will be happy.
YOU ARE: White
Nothing to disagree with here either, although I think for a later version of the software it would be amusing to quantify just how white I am. (Correct Answer: 786.2 Greg Bradys on the Stanford-Brady Complexion Gradient Scale [revised] [1994])
YOU ARE: An alcoholic
Well that’s wrong. And no, I’m not just saying it’s wrong because I CAN QUIT ANY TIME (smashes a glass on the wall). Although I like beer, and drink beer, and have good times with beer, we also know we don’t have to spend every waking second with each other. The time apart makes our relationship all that much stronger. However it looks like a lot of my friends don’t feel the same way. I’m guessing the software observed that many of them have pictures of themselves doing keg hoists or shooter blasters or whiskey felchers or whatever it is the kids do now a days.
YOU ARE: A fan fiction author
So it seems a lot of my friends like losing themselves in their own worlds full of popular, copyrighted characters. Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I don’t think it applies to me. Some of you may recall the early months of this column, when I used to write highly sexual tales featuring Lieutenant Worf and Count Chocula, but those were actually sonnets and not fan-fiction, if you look carefully.
YOU ARE: Chinese
This one confused me, because earlier it said I was white. Then I wondered if it thought I was Chinese as in nationality-wise. A review of the data revealed that a big chunk of my friends are Chinese spambots. Surprisingly this subset included two of my ex-girlfriends, which upon further reflection probably explains why they kept selling me all those region-free DVDs.
YOU ARE: A communist
At first I assumed this was caused by those Chinese spambots again, and thought the irony of being tagged a communist by associating with spambots (the armpit of capitalism) was pretty rich. But further review revealed that a sizable number of my friends have been chattering about health care reform, and my apparently staunchly-conservative computer has rather editorialized their views rather harshly. That may be a bug.
YOU ARE: An arsonist
Err. I may be splitting hairs here, but I’ve always considered an arsonist someone who burns things because they like watching them burn. I only burn things because it’s funny. I’m going to give my friends who enjoy flame-based comedy the same benefit of the doubt.
YOU ARE: On an FBI watchlist
I think this is actually pretty standard for anyone who’s friends with Cracked Columnist Dan O’Brien.
YOU ARE: A hermaphrodite
You see? This is what I was worried about. Apparently 43 of my friends are part of some group called the “Chicks With Dicks Alliance.”
YOU ARE: Capable of fellating yourself
Hang on. Nope, not even close. Although I guess congratulations to my statistically significant number of friends who can.
YOU ARE: Interested in knowing what Bert and Ernie are like, off-camera
This is completely true.
YOU ARE: Being stalked by eight people
Evidently eight of my friends are also stalking me, operating in shifts. They’re organized, well equipped and have a particular interest in “ass-shots.” Hey team.
YOU ARE: In terrible danger
The software seems to think that one of my admirers has been reading up on African tribal rituals, and is now convinced that by consuming my blood they will gain my powers. The algorithm is only supposed to pick up on statistically significant groups of people though, so this is probably a bug too.
YOU ARE: They’re in the house. Fly you fool!
Evidently the program has taken up my sense for melodrama, and also my deep passion for plagiarizing Tolkien. These bugs are starting to annoy me. As soon as I get back from investigating that noise in the cellar I’ll take care of them.
___
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Facebook, Gay, Gayness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 9th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I do agree activities on social networking sites as facebook might leak some personal information. And the experiment Gadar even proved that “people may reveal information about themselves in another way, and without knowing they are making it public. ” But is it necessary to keep everything private online? What is facebook for?
Maybe some of us would like a more natural or subconscious way to make ourselves known. For example, a guy might “come out ” by just revealing his friend list. Isn’t it a glad thing for him for it saved all the concerns or hesitations? So I think it’s too early to worry about privacy because of Gaydar. Besides, the so called “accuracy” is not that accurate. Look at the above”YOU ARE:White”and “YOU ARE: Chinese”
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:55 am
A more serious note is that it promotes homophobia. Now people will avoid gay and bi friends so that they won’t be labeled as such themselves. This is really a stupid system, as straight people who can accept their gay friends are probably more secure in the sexual orientation then there homophobic counter parts.
Also what ever happened to not randomly judging people without knowing them? Oh, here’s a picture of you with a beer, you’re an alcoholic! Sorry if I’m ranting, but this really bothers me, it’s a huge step backward in Facebook’s social system.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Um…
This is my rifle!
there are many others like it!
This one is mine!
Without me, my rifle is useless!
Without my rifle, I am useless!
October 24th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I bet it ended with, “YOU ARE: A VERY Dangerous Man to Fuck With,” which leads me to feeling sorry for those people in your house
October 20th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Why We Should All Be Scared Now That Facebook Has Gaydar | Cracked.com…
Students at MIT have devised a way to identify people who are gay by analyzing their Facebook profiles. The method works by examining who a person is friends with, and drawing conclusions based on the characteristics of those friends. Based on the prin…
October 14th, 2009 at 10:28 am
The Gummi Bears bit and your computer saying you’re a hermaphrodite really got me! Great article.
October 10th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
You okay there, Gabriel?
October 10th, 2009 at 10:45 am
You made some good points there
October 7th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I don’t see how this could work all the time. There has got to be a huge margin of error……. As somebody who was in performing arts for over 10 years I have many gay friends, but I myself am not gay. I don’t see how this could be accurate. It makes assumptions based on assumpions. The software has to assume that everything in a persons profile is correct, and that is where the problem is.
October 7th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I want to make sweet love to your rigomortissed body then I want to use your cold blood to jerk off and then ill smear your poop from your split open colon all over my face and then write I love you in your own shit.
Just kidding., Your my hero and im only 14 years old
October 6th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Technically we’re only interested in facepainting each other with your blood, so you don’t really have to die (unless you resist).
October 6th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I have never commented on an article before, but this was so fun to read and made me laugh… hard. I just wanted to say thank you for writing it. So:
Thank you!
October 4th, 2009 at 12:04 am
My friend told me about the “Xbox killer” recently and said that it was a middle aged man that had been repeatedly insulted by a 13 year old boy in an Xbox live game of Call of Duty or some first person shooter. The boy told the man his home address because he definitely thought that he wouldn’t have the balls to come to his house. The guy ends up driving from northern California to southern California and fucking kills this kid! Then he stole his Xbox 360 and the world felt right. I’m not sure if this is true or not because I can’t find any record of it online. I really hope it is because it would make a great story! I just wanted you to know in the hopes you would write your next article about it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
mehfag.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Article made me laugh alot, the subject matter however is a pile of wank. Algorithms that tell us who we are? Christ what’s next? Assuming kittens will soon have the ability to wax my butt crack?
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:02 am
Yes, Lai-Lai. That’s certainly how ‘they’ see it. Because clearly there wouldn’t be any deviations in the code from what’s set out here, on a comedy site. Certainly a group of social scientists (not being a special little snowflake like you are, no doubt) wouldn’t think, “Hey, guys, let’s throw something in there that pertains primarily to same-sex friendships on a social network so that way the female with a bunch of gay male friends doesn’t get wrongfully pegged as a lesbian, huh?” No, of course ‘they’ wouldn’t think of that, because a humor article which barely even refers to the original text didn’t mention that, so it must not be a feature.
Goodness, however do you find time to comment on Cracked when with your brilliant mind you should be out correcting everyone in reality? Scientists? Research? Intelligence? Who needs those, we’ve got Lai-Lai to make insanely retarded assumptions about other peoples’ intent and then “lol” over it!
You are why stupid people should never be told about sarcasm.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:23 am
Searched on facebook from the Norway network.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:22 am
When I searched for Dan O’Brian the first result I got was the group “Child Abuse Awareness”. Anyone else get the same?
September 30th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
So as they see it, all women with a large amount of gay guyfriends must be raging lesbians, & all guys who friend as many hot lesbians as they can must secretly want to do their brothers.
Lol.
September 30th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
meh
September 30th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Haha, ‘Fly you fool!’
For a brief, hopeful second, I thought you were going to just let that be a subtle reference to Lord of the Rings, and I was so ready to jump the gun and go on a nerdgasm about it. Then I read the second line and was sorely disappointed. Oh well.
Also, @Biff: I think Dino Riders is becoming the next big thing on Cracked, because this is (I think) the third article I’ve read that had some reference to it.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
meh
September 30th, 2009 at 11:45 am
second artical in a row that had a picture of a dino rider. the artical on stupid scientists had a picture from the back of the box
September 30th, 2009 at 10:52 am
- and here I thought that everyone on Facebook was gay…
September 30th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Where did you get a picture of my cock?
September 30th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Wouldn’t all the fag hags and dyke tykes show up as false positives? I didn’t think MIT nerds even knew that much about social interaction anyway…
September 30th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Dinoriders! i used to love those
September 29th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I experimented with adding gay people to my Facebook friends ONCE. It meant nothing at all.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
I know when someones gay when I tell them they are!
September 29th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
The way to tell if you’re gay on Facebook it to check and see if you have a Facebook account.
This has probably been typed in the comments earlier but I couldn’t be faffed checking…
September 29th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Except only one of you has that mole on the inside of your thigh
September 29th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I found this one on my sister’s facebook (yes I check it)
YOU ARE: A Clone.
And I must say, you aren’t giving this program enough credit. My sister and I, you see, are identical twins. yep. natural clones.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
White Pride: rotating the tires on ur house
September 29th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
the way I tell if they’re gay on facebook is to look at their profile and see if it says “gay”
September 29th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
can’t wait for the day
When I hear us all screaming,
HERE COMES THE REVOLUTION.
When every race color
And creed of militant human beings stand up
With fists together for substance and true meaning
Because right now we got our feet stuck in cement
We’re too caught up in
A material status quo punishment
And one thing is for sure
And that’s the sun will always set,
Darling you can bet our moon is quite the opposite
So baby take a axe to your makeup kit
Set ablaze the billboards and their advertisements
Love with all your hearts and never forget
How good it feels to be alive
And strive for your desire
because you can’t see
Your cage doesn’t mean that you are free
When there are laws against nature
But its ok for you to be
Addicted to over the counter prescriptions
And magazines dictate all our human relations
September 29th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
You realise that this article now puts gay match-making ads on here right? Ugh, wishing I didn’t click that link now hahaha
September 29th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy so many people are interested in a partner who is tall???
women want a tall man and men want a tall woman.
There are many sites focusing on this kind of relationships such as
~~~~~~~~~ http://www.Tallflirts.com/ ~~~~~~~~~~~
September 29th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
All of our Facebook friends are named Adam… what does that make us?
September 29th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
So what’s the magic number of gay people you’re allowed to add before it thinks you’re gay?
September 29th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
“Evidently the program has taken up my sense for melodrama, and also my deep passion for plagiarizing Tolkien.”
I knew I had read this article somewhere else before.
September 29th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
oh they could just check the interested in section… what retards
September 29th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Ha! Excellent article. Nice way to kill a few minutes.
September 29th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
You forget: I like watching things burn, and those things are candles, incense, wood, and the occasional wrapper/marshmellow/chocolate/plastic chip bag. Arsonists set houses on fire. Sometimes with people still inside. I’ve never burned a house, nor do I plan to.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
There is a solution (re: closet evacuation/ejaculation)! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?catid=7 So good news there for gay Facebook Users.
September 29th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I kind of realized now (or maybe I realized earlier and forgot) that a lot of you guys are on Facebook. I should add you. I don’t have enough interesting people to creep. And Gladstone spreads his love too thin.
September 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
“who burns things because they like watching them burn”
We’re called pyromaniacs, not arsonists. Sure, some pyros ARE arsonists, but they don’t represent ALL of us.
September 29th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
If this algorithm gets used in hollywood, everyone would be gay
September 29th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Gee golly! And I just about to add you to my list of Friends, too? Thanx for the heads up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p-Hu3FkAGU
September 29th, 2009 at 11:40 am
The Cracked columnists are usually amusing, but they seldom make me laugh out loud. You did it, Bucholz.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am
watch pink sexy photo
http://zhoola.com/pink_photo.html
September 29th, 2009 at 11:24 am
test
September 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
IS THIS THE END OF BUCHLOZ!?!? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK ON THE NEXT ISSUE OF… CRACKED COLUMNISTS! *dundundunnnn*
September 29th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Most of my friends don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” so I guess that makes me better than them.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:30 am
if they end up identifying every gay person on facebook, would all the information be compiled into a gaytabase?
September 29th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Damn someone beat me to it, I thought I was the only one to even consider that ritual.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I can’t but picture gary down there with an extremely low voice and a manly figure.
*shudder*
September 29th, 2009 at 9:41 am
cause you know that if they have this program that decides who is gay based on facebook friends, then they are probably very close to have a complete list of every user who they think is now gay, and are probably only days away from releasing the list to the internet or a popular media outlet..
September 29th, 2009 at 9:38 am
hey guys..what do u think about this? just chat with me –I am an open-mineded single girl and I love sports. I want to end my single life by meeting a guy who likes sports too. Let’s mingle at the club ” Tallconnect.com ” which is a popular meeting site for tall singles and admirers!
September 29th, 2009 at 9:37 am
See? that’s scary, cause my mom is straight, but she has a bunch of gay friends at work, many of these people showed up at family picnics, and movie night and stuff, so now we are all on facebook, i only joined facebook to play scrabble with my mom, but if i dont add her gay friends she will think i’m a dick, they will think i’m a dick, and i will have more confirmation that I am indeed, a dick, cause I know most of them enough to add them, but now some egghead geek somewhere is going to think i am a gay oldy chaser, man this is gonna suck.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Count Chocula, region free DVDs, flame-based comedy.
Very excellent.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I lol’d at the FBI watchlist one, this whole article was great though.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:01 am
XD nice very well done lol
September 29th, 2009 at 7:31 am
“YOU ARE: Chinese
This one confused me, because earlier it said I was white. Then I wondered if it thought I was Chinese as in nationality-wise. A review of the data revealed that a big chunk of my friends are Chinese spambots. Surprisingly this subset included two of my ex-girlfriends, which upon further reflection probably explains why they kept selling me all those region-free DVDs.”
September 29th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I lol’d at the alcoholic part
September 29th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Dino Riders were pretty cool, but I always thought the good guys were pansies because they only used the herbivores to fight.
September 29th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Theconq is right, Dino Riders ruled. I had the good guys’ Brontosaurus, but I never did get the bad guys’ T-Rex.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:58 am
That started out funny but became less so.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Nice. Great article Bucholz!
September 29th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I ran a copy of the algorithm as well and it says that I’m “too cool to answer my text messages”. Whatever that means. I always reply to my own texts when I’m alone at the bar.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:56 am
I ran a copy of the algorithm as well and it says that I’m “too cool to answer my text messages”. Whatever that means. I always reply to my own texts when I’m alone at the bar.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Why yes! yes i do want to meet tall singles, tall beautiful women and tall handsome men! (I’m really horny, how bout tall animals too?)
But shit… i tried typing that~~~~~~~~~ url in and theres no page there.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Cherlindrea’s comment was EXACTLY what I was going to post… amazing.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:17 am
Did I say Dragon Riders? Cuz I totally meant Dino Riders. Yeah. Because Dino Riders was an actual franchise. There we go.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:16 am
When I first got my own internet connection, way back in the early 90s, most everyone understood the importance of not putting personal information on the public internet. Of course, back in those days the internet was populated by the educated minorty. These days, every moron has an internet connection and they all seem to think that it’s a great idea to post personal information in the most public of forums. Then they wonder why they’ve been the victim of identity theft, or why they didn’t get that job, or why their mum knows about their sexual infidelity, or why some kid at MIT thinks they’re gay.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:15 am
I clicked here only for the Dragon Riders picture. God, I miss those toys.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Wanna to meet tall singles, tall beautiful women and tall handsome men?????
Here is a very nice place ~~~~~~~~~ Tall flirts . c o m ~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s where Tall people look for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:00 am
“also my deep passion for plagiarizing Tolkien.”
. . .Ah, Bucholz, you are the perfect man.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:59 am
I got: “You will eventually stop touching yourself and return to this page.”
September 29th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Funny as usual! Keep up the good work…
September 29th, 2009 at 4:37 am
The military’s anti-homosexuality just went cyber as of now.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:32 am
BUT WHO WAS PHONE
September 29th, 2009 at 4:29 am
I lol’d.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:27 am
I get a lot of lesbian-related sidebar ads on Facebook, even though my status is listed as being in a relationship….with a boy. It’s weird.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:19 am
lol.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:12 am
You right dude that is very scary!
R
http://www.total-privacy.net.tc
September 29th, 2009 at 4:09 am
i didnt even have to read this to know irs crap, not the article but the gaydar part, ppl add ppl at the drop of a hat on FB so its so fucking wrong lmao, stupid fucking scientists