The Christian Bale Flip Out According to the Other Guy

[Note: In my professional opinion, reading this post while listening to this Remix takes the entire experience to the next level.]

This week, audio from the set ofTerminator: Salvation took the Internet by storm. Apparently, Christian Bale lost his temper, and said some not-so-nice things to the Director of Photography, Shane Hurlbut. To get a little perspective, we're bringing you Shane's version of the events that lead up to those fateful three minutes.

Sooooo fuckin' stoked, today. I applied to be the Director of Photography for the new Terminator movie and I just got the call- I GOT IT! I'm so balls-to-the-walls amped about this because CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKING BALE is gonna be in this movie! We're gonna work together and probably hang out, literally, every day and night. No lie, we're probably gonna become totally best bros after this because I'm one of, if not, the most talented Directors of Photography in the greater Burbank area. He's gonna be so impressed with my DP'ing and we're gonna turn into like a mad powerful Hollywood duo, like makin' deals every day. This is gonna be the best summer ever, which is why I'm keeping this set journal for pictures and my thoughts or whatever. This journal's probably gonna be literally real expensive someday when Christian Bale and I are running Hollywood like it's no big deal.

DAY 1

I totally got a picture with Christian Bale today and it was fucking awesome. He didn't know it was being taken or whatever but that's cool, because he was like mad nice afterwards and he was all "In the future, please don't take a picture when I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone else."

He's saying "in the future" because I think he knows how tight were gonna be. Next movie's gonna The Adventures of Batman and Shane, ya heard?

DAY 3

Christian is such a totally cool dude. I got him to sign a whole bunch of shit today, INCLUDING my copy of The Batman Movie on VHS. I was like, "Sign my The Batman Movie, dude, I think you're mad good," and at first he was like, "That isn't me." And I'm all, "I know dude, it's The mysterious Batman, right? Nah, for real sign it," then I gave him a wink. And he said, "No, you don't understand," and I'm like "No, dude, I get it. It's cool, your secret's safe with me," and then I winked at him a few more times and he signed it. It's like he was still in character and didn't want anyone to know he was Batman. That's like method acting and shit. I studied a little acting, and I'm pretty good at it, so I totally get where he's coming from and totally respect him for it.

No lie, today was literally the best day of my life. We were filming a scene for the Terminator movie and C-Bale (I think it's safe to call him "C-Bale" now because we're basically like best bros, we're gonna hang out), he, like, shot this robot in the head or whatever and was being intense in the movie and I was like, "Yo, I bet his heart is beating mad fast right now," so I snuck in so you could barely see me and I captured the sound of his heartbeat for the audio.

Everybody was real impressed and the sound is so fucking intense. Not to brag or anything, but I'd make a seriously great sound engineer, I'm just great with natural sounds, you know? Everyone always says so. I'm like a painter but the paint is sound, and the canvas is like a microphone and the paintbrushes are also sounds. Anyway they have to film that same scene again tomorrow for some reason, so I think I might try to get a different angle on his heartbeat.

DAY 11

Surprised C-Bale at his house today at like 2 AM to go partying. He wasn't in the mood to party. We'll probably go tomorrow or whatever.

DAY 15

C-Bale was a little weird today, I don't know what his deal was. The thing was, he was doing this real close-up scene with this other guy in the movie and they were talking and arguing about the robots (or maybe the one dude was a robot), and it was all intense but I was thinking to myself like, "Yo, there's mad glare comin' off C-Bale's head and whatnot," because there was mad glare, and it was real bright. And I'm all, "Who's in charge of that," but, check it, I'm in charge of that. So, I didn't want to stop the acting or whatever so I just used myself to block some of the light because, and I'm not trying to kiss my own ass or anything, but I'm a totally resourceful DP/light technician, everybody always says so. Some people would try to find blinders or splashers or whatever but I thought, "I don't have blinders or splashers, I just have me," so instead of standing around like an idiot with my ass in my mouth looking for splashers, I just used myself to block the light, I wasn't even in the way.

Anyway C-Bale pulled me aside later, 'cause we're mad tight and all, and he's like, "I appreciate what you did but, in the future, I'd rather have a little bit of space while we're filming the scenes. I'm not at all trying to be rude or condescending, but it can just be a bit distracting when someone who isn't in the scene shows up in the scene, do you understand?" And I didn't, but I'm all, "You the man, C-Bale! Bat Blimp!" And he goes, "We didn't actually have a Bat Blimp," but it's cool, because we're totally tight.

DAY 21

We were having more lighting problems in the movie or whatever, so I had to step into the scene again while my boy C-Bale was doin' his thing (thang), and I messed with the lights and everything and I think it made the movie look literally a million times better because, and I'm not just trying to tickle my own balls here, I'm a totally great light designer. People are always coming up to me on sets like, "Seriously that was the best fucking lighting I've ever fucking seen in my entire fucking life and I'm like Steve Spielberg or whatever." Literally.

But then anyway, so I'm standing around set like right after I finished doing the lights and I'm like SHIT, because I remember C-Bale telling me about how it's distracting when someone's in the scene but not in the movie, or whatever. So I figured the only thing to do would be to, like, pretend I'm in the movie , right, so he'd forget that I was Shane the DP, and he'd think I was just one of the guys, chillin' out, fightin' robots. So that's what I did. I stopped being Shane the DP, and I started being one of his soldiers or whatever, chillin' out and fightin' robots. Check me out, doing both of those things:

Right? No lie, I've never done any professional acting before, but I think I nailed it. I was just like, "Okay, Shane-Dog, pretend you're kicking mad robots and shit" and then that shit just came out of me like I'm Guy Pearce or whatever, kicking robots. I'm a really great DP and everything and I love my work, but if the right project came along I seriously think I might consider starring in a movie. Me and C-Bale were talking about doing a movie together. Or not talking about it, but we're gonna have a meeting together to discuss. I am going to mention it to him.

DAY 22

Yo, C-Bale is such a fucking dick. He must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or he must've been on some serious drugs or something because he totally absolutely lost his shit today on set. I don't know what his problem was. I was just doing my job like I always do. It's like because he's a fucking "actor" or whatever he doesn't realize how important the DP is. If it wasn't for me, this whole movie would be totally dark and soundless and everyone would go to the theater and be like, "Hey, what the shit, this Christian Bale movie is like totally dark and soundless, what gives?" That's why I'm around, to make sure the lights happen and everything. What I was doing today was setting up his fucking lights. That's my job. That's all I was doing. My job. See?

So excuuuuse me if my job was getting in the way of your "acting" or whatever. And you know what's worse? I was cheering him on the whole time. No lie, I used to do Ultimate Frisbee in college (no lie, I was great) and it always helped me when people would cheer me on. They'd be all, "Shane-Dog you're the man" and I'd be all, "I am" and then I'd rock ass at Ultimate like it was no big deal. So as soon as McDonalds shouted "ACTION," I started cheering on Christian because we're bros and that's what bros do. I was like, "Yeah! Act, Christian, you act the fuck outta that scene! Act all over Ron Howard's daughter like it ain't no thing." So here I am, supporting my bro and setting up the lights because it's my job, and out of nowhere this dude flips out with his whole, "You're unprofessional and I'm Batman and we're done" bullshit. In front of everybody. No offense dude, but I think it was you who was unprofessional. I'm pretty sure there's no scene in Terminator where John Connor is supposed to look at the DP and start screaming at him like a big stupid baby (but, no lie, there might be a scene like that. I didn't know what scene we were in and I still haven't read the script.). Seriously, Christian, it's cool 'cause we're bros now and everything, but you were, no lie, acting like a total Diva. He was whining and I'm like, "Bale? This dude's such a diva, it's more like Baleyonc, am I right?" I mean, I didn't say that at the time, but you get the idea, he was totally being a divabitch superbaby. And I totally woulda kicked his ass, too, because you can't talk to me like that and I've been in a ton of fights, but he had, like, mad security guards happening and I'm not even trying to get quadrupled-teamed by a bunch of 'roided out security guards, so I'm like "Peace" and got fired and whatnot.