Oliver Curry, an evolutionary theorist from the London School of Economics, predicts that by the year 3000 the human race will split into two separate species: a sexy, wicked-smart ruling class and a bunch of dumb-ass, goblin-like worker bees.
Don’t believe me? Check it out. It’s all explained in the article.
Oh wait, it’s not? Hmm. Well, that could be the reporter’s fault. Or maybe the problem is that this biological theory was developed by someone who works AT THE LONDON SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS! Call me old fashioned, but I like to get my evolutionary theories from biologists or, y’know, some kind of scientist.
Nevertheless, based on my extensive research —which consists of reading the article twice— Curry’s saying that, for some unexplained reason, people 993 years from now will be much hotter. Y’know, like Patrick Dempsey after the plastic surgery he allegedly didn’t have.
And then after that hotness kicks in, “sexual selection” will do the rest. Gotcha. Beautiful people will only be having sex with beautiful people, thereby making more beautiful people. Meanwhile, dorks and fatties will be generating loser spawn capable only of scoring with other trolls and/or Oliver Curry. Yeah, that makes sense. You can’t argue with it. It’s science.
Except it’s wrong. You’d think an economist would realize how money works. Because I’m pretty sure there’s at least one guy without movie star good looks who can bed just about anyone he wants. Hell, I’d even blow him if he could get my Windows Vista working right.
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September 11th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Senor Taco Says:
“I wasn’t aware that beautiful people carry smart genes. Even if this crap is true, wouldn’t it be more likely that the ugly, yet brilliant, goblin people would rule over their beautiful brain-dead slaves?”
H.G. Wells wrote a novella about just that, actually. The Time Machine. One of the classics.
December 1st, 2007 at 6:12 pm
Fact: The London School of Economics is for ALL of the social sciences. Ranked 3rd in the world behind Oxford and Harvard. That still doesn’t include biology.
The racial differences thing makes sense. We’re already beginning to see races mixing. In a few centuries, interbreeding probably will eliminate racial differences. It probably won’t mean that everyone will have teh same skin tone, though, just that there won’t be distinct groups. There’ll be a range of skin tones, though the extreme ends of both very pale and very dark will probably be absent.
Still, any projection of human evolution runs into the problem of technology. Unless civilization collapses, some degree of genetic engineering almost certainly WILL come into use, and so natural evolutionary processes will be blocked.
(And actually, genetic engineering has a better possibility of creating such a divide, if it’s monopolized by the upper class, who’ll continuously “upgrade” their children generation after generation, while the poorer classes will be left “obsolete”)
November 5th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
I think I saw this movie…it was called Idiocracy.
October 30th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Sparklebunny, that’s the kind of convenient fact that i deliberately overlook for the sake of humor. I was also banking on cracked readers having never gone to University and/or to be so high they didn’t notice my fictitious conceit.
I have underestimated you all and shamed myself. The theory is still goofy batshit though.
October 30th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Fact: The London School of Economics is for ALL of the social sciences. Ranked 3rd in the world behind Oxford and Harvard.
(…and obviously i’m an alum since i got all huffy and puffy and took the time to post this)
October 30th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
I wasn’t aware that beautiful people carry smart genes. Even if this crap is true, wouldn’t it be more likely that the ugly, yet brilliant, goblin people would rule over their beautiful brain-dead slaves?
October 30th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Sounds to me like Mr. Curry is watching WAAAAAY too much Anime.
October 30th, 2007 at 1:27 am
From the article:
“Men will have symmetrical facial features, deeper voices and bigger penises, according to Curry in a report commissioned for men’s satellite TV channel Bravo.
Women will all have glossy hair, smooth hairless skin, large eyes and pert breasts, according to Curry.
Racial differences will be a thing of the past as interbreeding produces a single coffee-coloured skin tone.”
OK… so the guy is from the School of Economics. How does this explain the above? Symmetrical facial features? Women with glossy hair? I mean… I have a business degree, and I’m pretty sure there’s no economic theory to explain these conclusions. The Racial differences one was laughable, too, since there are people in existence in the world today with a variety of racial backgrounds, and I’m almost certain that they’re not some sort of single coffee-colored tone. (Not to mention… how can a people of a single race produce women who have “large eyes”?)