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If you’re lucky, you have no idea who “Balloon Boy” is.  If you’re anyone else, you know that Balloon Boy is the boy that wasn’t in the balloon, because his parents were just trying to get enough media coverage to finagle a reality TV show out of a network, like that wretched Octomom woman. All I have to say is, the more the internet and media latch onto Balloon Boy, the more likely it is his parents will get that TV show they’ve been lobbying for, and they do not deserve that TV show, even if it's filmed during their inevitable time in prison. So, please, let’s just get these jokes out of the way, move on, and forget this horrid “Balloon Boy” thing ever happened. The Viral Video Mashup Any time the internet grabs a hold of something, it always feels compelled to put that thing beside all of the other things it has grabbed a hold of over the years. Seriously, YouTube should make a video called “Christian Bale Freaks Out While Grape Lady Rick Rolls The Keyboard Cat, One Cup,” and every time some new meme pops up, just tack it onto the end. Time should not be wasted on actually making these viral video mashups, so let’s just agree that maybe we don’t need to see something called “Balloon Boy After The Dentist.” Balloon Boy On Different Websites

Facebook

Balloon Boy is hiding Balloon Boy’s Mom and Balloon Boy’s Dad like this

America Hey, Balloon Boy, where you at?

The News Yeah, lolz. You in that balloon?

Balloon Boy I can’t tell you, it’s for a tv show.

Ballon Boy’s Dad Shhhhhh!

Cracked

5 Real Life Balloon Boys (And How They Could Kick Balloon Boy’s Ass) 7 Balloons From Your Childhood You Didn't Know Were Awesome

CollegeHumor

The two things I can think of that CollegeHumor might do with this is something actually called “Balloon Boy” where Balloon Boy is some kind of super hero. Maybe there would be jokes, but the production value would definitely be through the roof. They also might do some kind of song parody/music video. Maybe a parody of R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly,” because you already have the “flying in a balloon” angle, and if you make it “I Believe I Can Lie,” you can get in some good stuff about the hoax part of the story. The video’s production value would be through the roof. They’d also probably do the above Facebook joke.

The Onion

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Comes Early, Gets Highest Ratings Ever

Twitter

BalloonBoy @Balloon I’m not on you! The 2 Kanye Jokes

kanye-of-all-time

Also…

kaney-meyers

The Lonely Island “Parody”

For some odd reason, the internet seems to be quite good at taking something already funny and using it for their own selfish gain. The worst offenders tend to gravitate towards the already-parodies-of-rap-songs songs of The Lonely Island. You’d think doing a parody of a parody is pointless, lazy, and lazy again, but people seem to love to do it, not realizing that they themselves are the actual joke put on display.

Sample dialogue behind this variety of genius:

“I got this funny idea for a song. It’s a parody of Amish Paradise. It’s called Amish Paralyzed and it’s about-“

“Wheelchaired Amish people, yeah, I get it.” “Right, but it would be to the tune of-“ “-Amish Paradise.” “Right, that parody of-” “Gangsta’s Paradise.” “Right.” “That’s brilliant.” “I also think we should do a Scary Movie-type spoof but all of the jokes would be about Blazing Saddles.” “Let me get my checkbook.” I’m going to save the internet the trouble and do their work for them: The Accompanied Continent - I'm On A Balloon

I hope that’s enough for you, internet. Please stop talking about Balloon Boy. His parents do not deserve to have you talk about him. If you need one more, here’s my joke about Balloon Boy. It’s a one-question quiz that I think all news people should take before reporting on a story.

Where isn’t balloon boy?

A) A balloon.

B) Not a box in the attic.

C) Either of the above.

Somehow, no one ever gets an “A” on this quiz.

[Author's note:  It fucking happened already.  Sigh...]

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