Theaters are still recovering from the release of Blended, the latest comedic phlebotomy from the demon that has taken possession of Adam Sandler. I haven't seen Blended because I don't own a hazmat suit, so how do I know it isn't secretly hilarious beneath its dumb surface, like Billy Madison was? Because I get my news from 20 years in the future, obviously. And Sandler repudiated the film himself, as you can read in his obituary.
The New New York Times-Feed
Adam Sandler, 67, Changed the Face of Comedy
May 32, 2034
REQUIEM FOR A GENIUS
Adam Richard Sandler, who was once the most successful comedic star in the world, died of a heart attack yesterday while trying to make his poops.
Sandler's body was found on the toilet by a beautiful maid he could never be with. Although clearly distraught in a sexy way, she described his death as "His funniest work to date." It was a fitting end for the actor, who played scatologically doomed losers to the point that they overshadowed both his career and his life. Eventually his filmography collapsed into the schlockiest of remakes, crossovers, and sequels.
Buena Vista Pictures
Probably the only monster they couldn't make funny.
Born September 9, 1966, to Stanley and Judy Sandler, the plucky lad showed comedic talent as a toddler when he would soil his diapers. Hilarity was his destiny, and as an actor he began crapping his pants on The Cosby Show, MTV's Remote Control, and Saturday Night Live. The poop was edited out of the shows' broadcasts, but Sandler still felt that there was a place for his unique brand of humor. Alas, like Icarus, he dared to fly too close to the sun, only for it to melt the taffy-like shit that stuck his wings together.
Is your money worth it, Columbia Pictures?
You probably didn't know he was Ash from Pokemon in his youth.
No man was ever lonelier than this comedic genius, beloved by all and understood by none. It wasn't till late in life that critics began to perceive his subtle, scathing satire of America's sense of humor. Among the criticisms against him:
For much of the 21st century, critics felt Sandler had abandoned his drive to succeed. Indeed, after a strong start with well-crafted dumb comedies, he produced 95 percent of Hollywood's comedy shitpile.
Whereas Billy Madison was about a spoiled brat determined to grow up and Happy Gilmore was about a good guy trying to save his grandma's house while conquering his rage, Grown Ups was about a guy who must choose between a weekend with his buddies at a lake house and a trip to Milan to support his wife, Salma Hayek -- which, come on, isn't even a decision. Paid millions to film his vacations, Sandler had entered a new period in his career.
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When you factor in all the time saved by not writing scripts, it's really like two vacations.
In retrospect, the film's premise that women's professional lives aren't as important as men peeing on each other is brilliantly satiric. By even positing that there was a choice to be made, Sandler skewered sexist -- and indeed savage -- early 21st century attitudes. It's difficult for us to look back now and realize that people accepted such a ludicrous juxtaposition as serious, but remember that human brains back then lacked both a metacortex and a LogicPure Syntho-Afferent Cognitive System(TM).
At the time, audiences perceived the film as merely another directionless Sandler comedy, so idiotic that it could cause heart defects in unborn children. But with Grown Ups, Sandler had upended the "vomedy" genre (pioneered by Sex and the City and perfected by Entourage) of awful people making their outrageous adventures boring.
Nowhere was this better proven than in Grown Ups 4: Movin' 2 Da Streetz (tag line: It's ON now!), when the actor unzips his fly (exposing a comically misshapen penis), sneers into the camera, "This is what you want, America, you cheap slut?" and urinates on the lens for an impressive 110 seconds. If one didn't know how subversive this humor was, one could easily mistake it for a man too rich to make an effort.