Cracked Columnists

Eight Seven Crazy Nights

dreideloid.jpgYou probably know that Hanukkah is a winter festival celebrated by Jews worldwide designed primarily to make non-Jews jealous of its eight nights of presents. (You may also have learned that this jealousy is unwarranted, as the haul of presents usually contains an unreasonably high percentage of socks.) But what you may not have known is that it's also an environmental catastrophe:

The founders of the Green Hanukkah campaign found that every candle that burns completely produces 15 grams of carbon dioxide. If an estimated one million Israeli households light for eight days, they said, it would do significant damage to the atmosphere. "The campaign calls for Jews around the world to save the last candle and save the planet, so we won't need another miracle," said Liad Ortar, the campaign's cofounder...

In an effort to show solidarity with the Chosen People in their campaign to fight global warming and ethnic stereotypes about stinginess, I propose that members of other faiths look for ways to reduce their own carbon footprints, such as:

Mormons: It's estimated that up to 90% of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is the result of you asking me about God on the damn bus. Let's work on that.

Baptists: Lower thermostat in Hell by 20% in the daytime.

Islamic Militants: Burning George W. Bush effigies and American flags is a significant source of airborne pollutants; why not try our new smokeless solar-powered effigy instead?

Atheists: When loudly parroting the talking points of Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens, be sure to do it in the direction of a wind farm.

Amish: Fewer wood-burning stoves, more Xboxes.

Wiccans: Exotic imported potion ingredients such as "eye of newt" can usually be replaced with fake crab legs; switch to energy-efficient electric cauldrons.

Buddhists: What is the sound of 50% fewer hands clapping?

Zoroastrians: Keep up the good work, dude!

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