You probably know that Hanukkah is a winter festival celebrated by Jews worldwide designed primarily to make non-Jews jealous of its eight nights of presents. (You may also have learned that this jealousy is unwarranted, as the haul of presents usually contains an unreasonably high percentage of socks.) But what you may not have known is that it’s also an environmental catastrophe:
The founders of the Green Hanukkah campaign found that every candle that burns completely produces 15 grams of carbon dioxide. If an estimated one million Israeli households light for eight days, they said, it would do significant damage to the atmosphere. “The campaign calls for Jews around the world to save the last candle and save the planet, so we won’t need another miracle,” said Liad Ortar, the campaign’s cofounder…
In an effort to show solidarity with the Chosen People in their campaign to fight global warming and ethnic stereotypes about stinginess, I propose that members of other faiths look for ways to reduce their own carbon footprints, such as:
Mormons: It’s estimated that up to 90% of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is the result of you asking me about God on the damn bus. Let’s work on that.
Baptists: Lower thermostat in Hell by 20% in the daytime.
Islamic Militants: Burning George W. Bush effigies and American flags is a significant source of airborne pollutants; why not try our new smokeless solar-powered effigy instead?
Atheists: When loudly parroting the talking points of Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens, be sure to do it in the direction of a wind farm.
Amish: Fewer wood-burning stoves, more Xboxes.
Wiccans: Exotic imported potion ingredients such as “eye of newt” can usually be replaced with fake crab legs; switch to energy-efficient electric cauldrons.
Buddhists: What is the sound of 50% fewer hands clapping?
Zoroastrians: Keep up the good work, dude!
This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 4th, 2007 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Earth, God, Holidays, Science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 15th, 2009 at 10:45 am
It seems that you are maintaining a steady blogging pace. Well done! Looking for more updates from your end. Thanks a lot! regards
April 15th, 2009 at 3:28 am
The topic is quite trendy in the net at the moment. What do you pay the most attention to while choosing what to write about?
December 15th, 2008 at 4:49 am
Steph, generalizing a movement as diverse as Atheism into a single idea is dangerous. There are strong atheists, which you describe, who are those who hold that there is no god. On the other hand, there are weak atheists, who believe that there is no way of knowing.
The absence of religion would be irreligion, which involves no strict adherence to a particular religion. Agnostics hold no claim to be religious, and there are religious agnostics, such as Christian or Jewish agnostics. Agnosticism means “without knowledge,” and an agnostic person holds that there is no way to know for sure whether god exists or not (similar to weak atheism).
In the future, please give more of a fuck to the people you’re shoving into your poorly researched categories.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:53 am
Actually RDawkins Atheism could be classified as a faith, the faith that there is no God.
The absence of religion is agnosticism, also known as Idontgiveafuckism or Couldntcarelessism.
Also buddhist tibetan monks have kept the secrets of levitation for too long. A meditation-powered 747 would save a lot of fuel.
March 2nd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
http://neilsnotes.com/?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00305
January 8th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I’d simply like to point out that Atheism is not a religion, rather, the absence of religion. I hope your consciousness has been raised.
December 28th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Zoroastrians keep eternal flames going in their temples. That’s been adding CO2 to the atmosphere for what, 3000 or so years?
December 8th, 2007 at 12:05 am
I just came here to say funbags, but I see Nick has already pointed it out. I’ve always thought it was one word, not two. Perhaps it should be hyphenated? Well, better minds than I can debate that.
December 5th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Funny post.
Busoms, melons, milk factories, busts, fun bags, knockers, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, stonking great tits!
-Yahtzee; Zero Punctuation review of Lara Croft Aniversary
December 5th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Ssh, Ian! You’ll ruin all the interesting propaganda that Sam has learned from Republican radio shows! Everyone knows Al Gore started this global warming rumor 25 years ago for all the spoils that go with it.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:44 am
The fact that we breathe out CO2 and the fact that excess CO2 from burning fossil fuels is bad for the planet are not mutually exclusive. Oh, uh, mammary glands.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:15 am
I meant to say this blog entry was really funny, THEN say “tits!”. I never do things in the proper order, even when the right one is abundantly clear.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Tits!
December 5th, 2007 at 9:59 am
I’m all for conservation, but when you complain about facism and campaign against it, then start telling people what to do and what to think ‘because it’s good for the planet,’ you’re a massive hypocrite.
But, political points aside, this is a humour site, so.
Boobies boobies boobies
December 5th, 2007 at 5:06 am
Andypants– The point is that most people don’t even have 8th grade biology knowledge. This is a direct quote from an NBC Green Week segment during Heroes “The enemy here: Carbon Dioxide.”
nuff said.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:25 am
Do i get negative brownie points for having no idea what you’re referencing?
December 5th, 2007 at 2:00 am
Have any of you recently seen a poster in a hospital gown? His name is Andy and he’s escaped from the Sarcastic Asshole ward over at the asylum. We think he might be trying to post agai…damn, too late.
December 5th, 2007 at 12:51 am
Wow Sam, I never knew that what we breathed out was CO2, you must be some kind of genius. It’s as if you’ve been to an eigth grade biology class or something.
Douche…
December 4th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
THE DREIDEL! IT’S COMIN’ RIGHT AT US! *breaks through window*
No brownie points to people who get the reference. Everybody has seen the damn movie.
December 4th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Hey, that reminds me of a really good joke about the difference between tires and oh, nevermind…
December 4th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
I don’t kill any chains that don’t deserve it.
December 4th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Looks like Ian killed another chain. Man you’re good at that. Point well taken though.
December 4th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Can’t you people think of something to say that doesn’t involve trivializing the Holocaust, or if it does, it at least trivializes it in a really slam-dunk hilarious way?
December 4th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Well I’ve got nothing then. Nevermind.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
My name is some sort of elaborate meta-joke involving Jurassic Park that I don’t even understand.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
No it is not. But I wish it was.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Hey Sam - is this seriously your Jurassic Park site? If so, how is Tripod hosting? I’ve been meaning to check them out.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
God I fucking hate global warming douches. Hey, stupid Green Hannukah idiots, you know that thing you do, every day, thousands of times…exhaling? You know what you’re exhaling? Fucking CO2. So goddamn annoying.
And now for an extremely, extremely offensive Jew joke involving burning: Hey, if only Hitler had finished killing all the Jews, then they wouldn’t be killing our environment with their fucking Hannukah candles. Am I right?
I’m so sorry.